What did your mum give you for your 40th birthday?

[RainbowSlide]

Could you share what she gave you, and how she went about it?

Context:

I have a really strained relationship with my mum, and it's my bday coming up. She suggested a big family lunch, which i agreed to as it's a nice gesture, but then she proceeded to involve me in all steps of the process, asking for dates, venues, sharing the irritations of organising it etc. I had to suggest to her that she really needed to call up some places once she had a date as we'll be a party of 13 and not all places can accommodate. Cue further questions. In the end I had to ask her to speak to my dh about it as it was ending up stressing me out. She agreed, and dh is really happy to step up and help, but she can't seem to stop herself from involving me. I am 34 weeks pregnant with two kids and a job, and it was adding to my mental load, which I had to spell out to her as she just didn't get it. I know this sounds ungrateful, but I feel like if you offer to organise a nice family lunch, once I've said yes to that, you should go and organise it, not involve me in every detail.

The next thing is the present. My mum really doesn't know me very well, which i find really hard, and gift giving is pretty triggering as it always demonstrates this - really strange things that are not something I'd ever use/buy, often from a cheap discount store. Its not the money, it's more the effort (or lack of), and "just" grabbing something that'll do.

Anyway, its my 40th coming up in a few weeks and she's only now asking what I want, "shall we just get you a voucher for a massage or something?", which in itself would be a nice gift but I don't understand why I need to be part of the process. I end up saying yes but to speak to dh as he knows what I like, so that I don't then get asked a million questions about the voucher. For a big bday i would prefer a piece of jewellery or something to keep, but I'm hesitant to suggest that as I know it would be something kind of cheap and not what I'd like. I'm really not picky, would love something simple, but its the type of stuff she buys that worries me - something jokey or with an animal on it that she thinks there's a funny back story to, or something like that. It's really hard to explain.

Tldr: I'd really like to know from people with close relationships with their mums, what did she give you for your 40th birthday? I have no idea what is normal as I have no reference point.

Thanks in advance

Op you are a 40 year old, that's on the verge of middle age. Why do you give a crap what anyone buys you? Also why would your Mum wanting to check details of a restaurant booking stress you out? You are being a bit precious about it all. Your Mum is asking you because she wants to get it right, probably because you seem to have extra high expectations and she is worried about upsetting you.

Sounds like you need your MUM, and she’s not being very motherly. It’s ok to need your mum, I don’t think you’re entitled.

I was unlucky enough to have a shit mother and a shit husband, but an amazing MIL. None of my milestones were ever celebrated, big birthdays, graduation, birth of a child. Yup, I’m a grown arse woman in my own right, but occasions are just that, occasions, it’s healthy and fun to celebrate them.
My lightbulb moment came on my graduation. I can’t explain how hard I worked to support them all and raise a child and get a degree, and there was no recognition from either of them. My MIL bless her, paid for my graduation photos and a nice prom dress and shoes. ExH had a dig at me for not organising his dinner before I went out to the prom. A couple of months before it was his 50th and I threw him a party for 100 people, hot air balloon ride over his own party, the works.
So I decided then it’s about high time I mark my own events. I got myself a gorgeous pair of pearl earrings. A really nice handbag for a promotion. And for my 40th I got myself a divorce.

I had this Santoro Gorjuss doll, I collect them. I also had a bracelet charm a Santoro Gorjuss purse and keyring and a few nick nacks. My mother is on her own and struggles with mobility. I was absolutely over the moon with her efforts 😊

I kind of get where you are coming from, I think you are getting quite a hard time here because if the fixation on the gift/birthday aspect. It's hard for people who have a good relationship with their mum to understand sometimes. I wonder if the pp who suggested you are starting to really think about your relationship with your mum as its your 40th and you have another baby on the way. I'd forget about the birthday. If she's never got you anything decent or organised anything off her own back before she is unlikely to start now. I think it might be time to start dealing with the fall out of having a poor relationship with your mum, for the sake of your own kids and so you don't repeat the same mistakes. For your 40th why don't you treat yourself to some therapy to work through how having an emotionally distant mother has made you feel. It really is worth it's weight in gold.

Totally get it. My mum talks about all the things she’s going to get me then gives me money every single time. Does make you feel rubbish. And not because we are grabby in fact quite the opposite.

Does same with my child. Easter - said she’d get her some special fancy egg from marks, didn’t. In fact when we went round she said “I’ve not got you an egg”. So not even able to go to the local shop and get a £1 one. Christmas Day, tell me what you want for your birthday (it’s in Jan) two days later “I’ll give her some money” Just don’t promise anything !!

Op does your mum do thoughtful presents for anyone else? I can see why you're reading into this as lack of thought/care but some people think of gifts as something that should be personal, thoughtful and treasured - and for others they're just something to buy for a quick moment and then to be forgotten. My mum wasn't around for my fortieth but she saw presents as kids things and didn't generally buy any of us presents once we were adults, and if she did it was because she'd seen something on sale and wanted to buy it - most likely thinking afterwards about what she could use it for, rather than buying it specifically for the person, hence some fairly bizarre gifts.

If she's just not someone who is good/interested in present buying then I'd suggest trying to reframe your expectations so that it doesn't feel so personal. And to not put too much thought into her gifts if she isn't likely to appreciate/notice them.

A bottle of champagne and a big box of ferrero rocher chocolates (delicious). I bought her an old fashioned porcelain doll for her 40th.

Op, I think you have framed your question to prompt answers about presents appropriate or otherwise & people assuming you are entitled, grabby, ungrateful. What you really want is understanding or empathy with what sounds a difficult relationship,with your mum which gift giving just confirms to you.
Perhaps amend your thread to show the real issue with the relationship with your mum, of which gift giving is a symptom & post on the Stately Homes thread where you might get more relevant answers & support.

A free week in their caravan. Then covid hit and they sold it so nothing...

Nothing. She has Alzheimer’s and barely knows who I am anymore.

@RainbowSlide
I don’t know your back story or the complications of your relationship with your mother.
But, it sounds that you keep expecting something from her; fail to get it; reinforce your judgement of her as cold and distant; repeat. Not a great cycle to continue to live in. And life is too short.

You know she loves you. That’s the main thing. You also know that she doesn’t express it the way you’d like her to. And you are also old enough to know that people don’t change, not at her age anyway.
So - why constantly get to to fail the impossible test you set for her? It’s masochistic.

It doesn’t matter what other people got for their 40s from their moms. Different people, different attitude to presents, different family customs.
If what you really want is to get a piece of jewellery together - just tell her that. It doesn’t matter that it’s not what she’d offer to do herself - but she can’t read your mind.
Its also perfectly normal that your H knows you better present-wise. He lives with you.

Generally - given that at the age of 40 you seem to be carrying a lot of childhood wounds related to your relationship with your mother - I think you could benefit from counselling, but of course with young kids it’s not easy to do.

My whole family put towards buying me a piece of jewellery, but my mum didn't organise it my DP did.

This I am afraid…she is trying to engage with you .
FWIW I had a fantastic relationship with my Mum and I genuinely cannot remember what she gave me for my 40th . Probably money to spend on myself,I always ask my adult children what they would like/need for their birthdays,

OMG I get you!

My mother used to by me presents I’d be aghast at 🙈
I was a 16 year old hippyish goth in 1989, however for Christmas I got a black and gold shell suit (just as they were going out of fashion!)

For my birthday she bought me a pleated tweed skirt and an orange blouse like a Margaret Thatcher outfit 🙈

And I was stunned by rejection when a few weeks before my 40th my parents refused to baby sit so I could go out for a meal with friends in my local town. I’d hardly asked them to baby sit ever and had kind of been saving the request for a big occasion. I was thinking am I silly for asking?? No no no I’m sure this can’t be right, why would one’s parents be so mean 😢

Disclaimer: my kids were well behaved and quietly spoken.

For years my parents went on holiday during my birthday which I wasn’t worried about. I think they got into a habit of being rather dismissive about it which is fine, but not for a 40th!!

I got a pack of 6 M&S thongs 2 sizes smaller than the size I was at the time and a bottle of Oil of Olay.

I have never worn a thong in my life!

She used to work in a charity shop and I suspect that both items came from there.

I got a camera, and a diamond pendant made from my Grans engagement ring

I'm wondering if You take after your Dad, As your mum sounds lovely.

It's a shame that your attitude to people's comments on here is that they basically don't get it and that you're in the right. This is a great opportunity for self-reflection and for thinking that maybe you're asking a lot from your mother.

Maybe she doesn't get you, or doesn't recognise your tastes. My DM died young so I can't compare, but I know that my DF has often gifted me stuff that is completely different to my taste, or things I'd never use. I will also probably get my DC things that aren't quite right. It's all fine. DF and I are very different people.

It strikes me that you're unhappy with the gifts your mother picks for you, but when she wants you to lead and explain what kind of dinner party you'd like, you get frustrated about that. So if she arranged it, you'd probably think it was all wrong, yet you're unwilling to help. She can't win, OP.

It may be helpful to reframe what you expect of her and who you want her to be- she isn't your best mate, she doesn't necessarily know your taste, she isn't perhaps ever going to be one of those mums that are bffs. That doesn't make her a bad mother, or unkind.

I dont recall as 9 yrs ago. My mam is mean of course wanted a big fuss when her 80th. Im 50 after xmas. Its the mean spirit I dont like!!

OP you seem to be getting quite a hard time here. I have a similar relationship to my mum, so much of what you wrote sounds very familiar, and she is also a pretty terrible gift giver. To be honest I'd prefer nothing or a charity donation rather than some meaningless tat. Have mentioned, still get the tat. I have given up getting wound up with the gift thing, and just come to the conclusion she places a great deal of emphasis on gifts as expressions of affection, even if no thought goes into it. Go figure!

I have had a lot of therapy, and separately have reflected on why my mum is the way she is, why I am the way I am, and learnt about effective communication in relationships. Even though we are still not close and some stuff she says off the cuff are deeply hurtful which she doesn't even realize, I deal with it much better now. I have firmer boundaries about what I will tolerate before telling her how something has made me feel, and all credit to her, she does listen (eventually...). Likewise, there is stuff that I do that she dislikes and I try hard now to listen and empathise, which I couldn't do before because I was so focused on how hurt I was. As others have suggested, therapy, perhaps relationship counselling with a focus on communication, and firm boundaries might be the present you need for your 40th. You might not be able to change your mum, but you can help yourself to understand why your relationship is the way it is, which goes a long way.

Congratulations on the pregnancy and have a lovely birthday x

Nothing - I have a good relationship with my Mum but she doesn't give me presents now Im an adult.

Do you think your DM has difficulties making decisions and that’s why she keeps trying to involve you?

My parents decided to help me out with some money toward a big essential purchase I had to make - it was much appreciated. More so than any kind of trinket would have been.

Ignore posters who don't understand what it's like to have a strained relationship with their Mum op.

My Mum told me she was buying me a certain type of bracelet. She did this for every big birthday and it was always something she liked.

I asked if I could have a bracelet from the same makers but a different range. It was roughly 5% more expensive and I was told no (for context she is a very rich woman).

Then she showed me the catalog and which bracelets were in the sale, heavily indicating I should go for a sale one.

I threw it away when I was 48, along with all the pictures I had of her and every other thing which reminds me of her.

I have nothing to do with her and she doesn't know where I live or my name because I changed it. She can rot in hell.

Not all mothers are created equal and I don't subscribe to the belief that all mothers should be respected and cared for regardless of their behaviour.

Sorry, not ouch help op. Just keep passing her along to dh.

My mum paid for my share of a holiday with my friends we had organised for my 40th . Very thankful for her love and generosity throughout my life