What did your mum give you for your 40th birthday?

[RainbowSlide]

Could you share what she gave you, and how she went about it?

Context:

I have a really strained relationship with my mum, and it's my bday coming up. She suggested a big family lunch, which i agreed to as it's a nice gesture, but then she proceeded to involve me in all steps of the process, asking for dates, venues, sharing the irritations of organising it etc. I had to suggest to her that she really needed to call up some places once she had a date as we'll be a party of 13 and not all places can accommodate. Cue further questions. In the end I had to ask her to speak to my dh about it as it was ending up stressing me out. She agreed, and dh is really happy to step up and help, but she can't seem to stop herself from involving me. I am 34 weeks pregnant with two kids and a job, and it was adding to my mental load, which I had to spell out to her as she just didn't get it. I know this sounds ungrateful, but I feel like if you offer to organise a nice family lunch, once I've said yes to that, you should go and organise it, not involve me in every detail.

The next thing is the present. My mum really doesn't know me very well, which i find really hard, and gift giving is pretty triggering as it always demonstrates this - really strange things that are not something I'd ever use/buy, often from a cheap discount store. Its not the money, it's more the effort (or lack of), and "just" grabbing something that'll do.

Anyway, its my 40th coming up in a few weeks and she's only now asking what I want, "shall we just get you a voucher for a massage or something?", which in itself would be a nice gift but I don't understand why I need to be part of the process. I end up saying yes but to speak to dh as he knows what I like, so that I don't then get asked a million questions about the voucher. For a big bday i would prefer a piece of jewellery or something to keep, but I'm hesitant to suggest that as I know it would be something kind of cheap and not what I'd like. I'm really not picky, would love something simple, but its the type of stuff she buys that worries me - something jokey or with an animal on it that she thinks there's a funny back story to, or something like that. It's really hard to explain.

Tldr: I'd really like to know from people with close relationships with their mums, what did she give you for your 40th birthday? I have no idea what is normal as I have no reference point.

Thanks in advance

I'm fairly close with my Mum. She took me shopping for a nice handbag and wallet, which I chose. It was a good gift! She and my siblings also took me out for afternoon tea.

She won't be giving me anything because she's dead and I haven't turned 40 yet.

Mine gave me £20 in a nice card, a lovely phone call and her best wishes like every year.

You sound like a 13 year old girl throwing a strop over her birthday party.
Can't you just smile and be grateful she's made the effort? Even if you don't like the gift, she bought it with her best intentions, that should be what matters most.

DM just gave me money like usual to go buy myself something nice. The culture where we’re from, only really the 50th is a celebration. They don’t do 18th or 21st either.

I asked for some jewellery which she picked herself. A necklace which I will treasure. It’s not overly expensive (£89) but means so much to me knowing she picked it x

She gave me money to put towards a new bird table.

She and I both love feeding and watching the birds so it feel it appropriate.

*felt appropriate

I know this comes across as picky, I cannot tell you how much it isn't the case. I would be happy with anything that she put any thought into. But that's exactly it, she literally grabs something from the discount store when she's there, then tells a jokey story about why she's bought it. I'm supposed to laugh it off and that's that. It's definitely not "bending over backwards" to make sure she gets it right..!

Its so hard to explain, but as an adult I've received some really weird things (eg an umbrella with cats all over) and my dh agrees that they're pretty odd ball and out there.

I have never said to her I don't like what's she's given, I am always grateful to her, and I know she doesn't think she's ever gotten me anything I don't like. I am not showy or materialistic, my taste (if you can call it that) is really simple.

Ps she won't be paying for 13 people at lunch, it's a pay your own way thing in case that sounded extravagant. Again not the point, a lovely gesture either way, I just wish I didn't have to help her organise it. She's been retired for years and has a LOT of time on her hands.

Oh gosh, I can't remember -probably a John Lewis voucher or something. But at the age of 40 I would say, does it matter. Really?! You say re: presents, she grabs something inappropriate - but when she does ask what you might like, you don't want to engage?

You're a big girl now and you have your own family. Organise your own lunch and invite your mum if you would like her to come. Open her pound shop mug and say thank you, graciously.

She won't get it right and she probably know this. Give her a break.

I have no idea what she gave me, because I was 40, not 4, and I no longer regarded gifts as indicative of my parents' love for me. Does it really matter? You still have your mother in your life, so be thankful for that, and she is trying very hard to make you happy, so be thankful for that too.

Ok it sounds like I'm putting unreasonable pressure on her.

£500 to treat myself.
It was a tough time financially so couldn't do that at the time but, a few years later when things were better, I did spend the same amount on myself
Thanks Mum!

She sounds scared of getting it wrong, I feel sorry for her actually.

My mum gave me the cold shoulder on my birthday 😏

I haven't got mine yet (I'm 43 😂). But that's because I want a picture/painting and I don't want it until we've finished renovating house. Although at this rate I'll be 50 before I get it! I got a painting for my 30th and it still has pride of place in my living room. It won't be some super expensive art work - I'd assume about £2-300, similar to my 30th birthday. (For other birthdays i just get a small gift from my parents.)

This is word for word what I was going to write.

We are all only able to go on what you have written , OP, and that is about a Mum for whom present buying isn't a natural skill, so she is acknowledging that and trying to put in some effort to "getting it right" and yet that isn't good enough for you either.

@HaveringWavering @HellToupee @hippoherostandinghere & anyone else I’ve missed out, yes that. OP, my mother died when I was a child.

You’re asking what other people got, but basically you want to bitch about your mum.

What's so wrong with an umbrella with cats on it?

Nothing. We were very close, but she was well into her 70s and lived in another country. She sent me a card but really we stopped with the presents pretty much in our 20s. If in the same city my parents would have done a dinner or something.
I think it's entirely appropriate for her to ask you specifically what you want - be that a beauty treatment or whatever (and would your husband know what beauty voucher you'd want)?
If you say you aren't close and she doesn't know what you like why is this a problem?

My mum gave me my nans solitaire engagement ring for my 40th. I'd always love the ring and was super happy to receive it. She also gave me wine, flowers, chocolates and a meal out with my family.

I don’t recall.
with all I have I wish she had gifted me one day with her on my sixtieth birthday as she was before dementia stole her from me.
I miss my mum so much. 😔

Not as good as one with dogs. My mum got me an umbrella with dogs and a matching tote bag for Christmas 😂

Thanks for all your replies, I find my relationship with my mum really difficult, and don't have a sense of what's "normal" really. I know she loves me but there's no warmth or connection so I guess her gift giving is like an extension of that. I try and connect with her, but often get fobbed off, judged or she makes it into a joke or about herself.

But she's not going to change and I probably need to get over it and move on.

But that's exactly it, she literally grabs something from the discount store when she's there, then tells a jokey story about why she's bought it. I'm supposed to laugh it off and that's that. It's definitely not "bending over backwards" to make sure she gets it right..!

Thats called panic buying when you’ve talked yourself in and out of gifts until there is no time left….Honestly you are still equating likability of present with effort.

I have never said to her I don't like what's she's given, I am always grateful to her, and I know she doesn't think she's ever gotten me anything I don't like. I am not showy or materialistic, my taste (if you can call it that) is really simple.

So because you won’t give her any information in advance as to what you would really like and you always pretend to like what she does get you, can you honestly not see why she is so confused? You say you’re not materialistic, but you primary complaint every time you post is that the gifts she gets are ‘cheap’ and from a ‘discount store’

I think this is exactly it. That sounds lovely Elmer83.