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Original poster

What did your mum give you for your 40th birthday?

171 replies

RainbowSlide · 27/09/2022 23:01

Could you share what she gave you, and how she went about it?

Context:

I have a really strained relationship with my mum, and it's my bday coming up. She suggested a big family lunch, which i agreed to as it's a nice gesture, but then she proceeded to involve me in all steps of the process, asking for dates, venues, sharing the irritations of organising it etc. I had to suggest to her that she really needed to call up some places once she had a date as we'll be a party of 13 and not all places can accommodate. Cue further questions. In the end I had to ask her to speak to my dh about it as it was ending up stressing me out. She agreed, and dh is really happy to step up and help, but she can't seem to stop herself from involving me. I am 34 weeks pregnant with two kids and a job, and it was adding to my mental load, which I had to spell out to her as she just didn't get it. I know this sounds ungrateful, but I feel like if you offer to organise a nice family lunch, once I've said yes to that, you should go and organise it, not involve me in every detail.

The next thing is the present. My mum really doesn't know me very well, which i find really hard, and gift giving is pretty triggering as it always demonstrates this - really strange things that are not something I'd ever use/buy, often from a cheap discount store. Its not the money, it's more the effort (or lack of), and "just" grabbing something that'll do.

Anyway, its my 40th coming up in a few weeks and she's only now asking what I want, "shall we just get you a voucher for a massage or something?", which in itself would be a nice gift but I don't understand why I need to be part of the process. I end up saying yes but to speak to dh as he knows what I like, so that I don't then get asked a million questions about the voucher. For a big bday i would prefer a piece of jewellery or something to keep, but I'm hesitant to suggest that as I know it would be something kind of cheap and not what I'd like. I'm really not picky, would love something simple, but its the type of stuff she buys that worries me - something jokey or with an animal on it that she thinks there's a funny back story to, or something like that. It's really hard to explain.

Tldr: I'd really like to know from people with close relationships with their mums, what did she give you for your 40th birthday? I have no idea what is normal as I have no reference point.

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Liorae · 28/09/2022 01:53

Nothing. I never expected nor received birthday gifts from my mother once I was over 18.

MothsAndWaspsAreUsefulPollinators · 28/09/2022 02:19

My mother didn't give me anything for my 40th birthday as she was dead by then.

I can't remember what she gave me for either my 20th or 30th, could have been money plus a little something (soap, jewellery, bag, dunno), or something specific (and probably practical) that I'd asked for. We were close and happy, but not really into major gift-and-party-giving.

Your Mum sounds a bit annoying but you sound 'grabby' as people say on here. She sounds as though she is trying to get things right with regard to the meal and the present and you aren't appreciating that. Some people do not find it easy to work out what people would like for gifts, more than one of my relatives has no clue but it doesn't mean they aren't nice and kind people overall. While I am generally good at it but struggle with a couple of relatives that I'm otherwise close with.

FatMog · 28/09/2022 02:23

My mum gave me a ton (£100). She's very unimaginative. She asks me ehat I want and buys it for me, sometimes when I'm there! Never any surprises. With the money I bought a Kate Spade bag (the very one I told her I wanted). It's just how things are.

Regalhen · 28/09/2022 02:37

My mum gave me 40 individually wrapped presents from mainly poundland.

As i was living in a tiny cluttered home at the time which i was trying to declutter, and most of the items weren't thoughtfully chosen and basically plastic tat. I got the feeling that mum kind of panicked in poundland and thought she needed to get to 40 items quick!

I felt a bit sad that she doesn't really know or get me. But, i feel sad for her that she spent such love and care in time wrapping them up

In addition, my sister's birthday present from her was a shared holiday (we are twins) so that felt a little like a slap

Honestly, i would rather have had no gift at all than that and having to charity shop the remainder. It isn't about money, £40 is plenty - more than enough for say something like a silver necklace or less than that for something thoughtfully chosen. Even a token £5 present second hand like a scarf would have thrilled me if it had been 'me'

Jackienory · 28/09/2022 02:40

A big hug and a bunch of flowers. I didn’t want anything else. Her love is beyond riches.

Liorae · 28/09/2022 03:01

Regalhen · 28/09/2022 02:37

My mum gave me 40 individually wrapped presents from mainly poundland.

As i was living in a tiny cluttered home at the time which i was trying to declutter, and most of the items weren't thoughtfully chosen and basically plastic tat. I got the feeling that mum kind of panicked in poundland and thought she needed to get to 40 items quick!

I felt a bit sad that she doesn't really know or get me. But, i feel sad for her that she spent such love and care in time wrapping them up

In addition, my sister's birthday present from her was a shared holiday (we are twins) so that felt a little like a slap

Honestly, i would rather have had no gift at all than that and having to charity shop the remainder. It isn't about money, £40 is plenty - more than enough for say something like a silver necklace or less than that for something thoughtfully chosen. Even a token £5 present second hand like a scarf would have thrilled me if it had been 'me'

Was there a difference between the amount of contact with you and your twin and your mother?

BrokenCopper · 28/09/2022 03:09

A card with £20 every birthday.

BanannaSplitz · 28/09/2022 03:12

You sound like hard work OP.

stitchinguru · 28/09/2022 03:31

Mmm… I’ve got a theory about why your relationship with your mother might be strained.
As some of the PP have said - I can not believe this has been written by a 40 year old woman!!
I have a very close relationship with my Mum but have not received a birthday gift/treat from her since I was 18 and became an adult.
You seem incredibly entitled and full of your own importance.
I would say ‘Happy Birthday’ but I doubt very much if it will be. I suspect nothing will be good enough for YOU.

Cameleongirl · 28/09/2022 03:37

If you’d like a piece of jewellery but don’t trust her taste, why not send her photos of some items you like to give her ideas? You’ll have a better chance of receiving something you like.

I appreciate she’s a fuss, OP, but having lost my Mum in my 20’s, I’d have given so much to have her still around when I turned 40. So just try to enjoy her her good points while you still can.

MothsAndWaspsAreUsefulPollinators · 28/09/2022 03:43

My mum gave me a ton (£100).

Your mother gave you One Hundred Pounds, which you were able to put towards a designer bag that you wanted, and your post seems to be complaining.

Lots of grabby moany people around tonight.

mindutopia · 28/09/2022 03:55

I don’t have a close relationship with my mum, but she didn’t even acknowledge my 40th.

A voucher for a massage sounds amazing!

onlythreenow · 28/09/2022 04:42

I can't even remember, but she usually gave me money. I was grateful for anything. Your DM sounds as though she is trying to make an effort to do something special, but you do sound a bit picky. Just be grateful for whatever you get - tbh at 40 we are fully grown adults and shouldn't be expecting our parents to make our birthdays special. My DM and I did make birthdays special, but we were both only children and very close.

GottaGetOutofDairy · 28/09/2022 05:32

I genuinely cannot remember- and it was only two years ago.

I am very close to my mum but have no idea what she got me. It won't have been anything grand.

Vampirethriller · 28/09/2022 05:38

We don't get on very well (although much better than when I was younger) but for my 40th a couple of years ago she gave me a winter coat, which was very nice and much appreciated

OneCup · 28/09/2022 05:48

Nothing. I don't expect nor demand presents from anyone. I am not a child.

rocketfromthecrypt · 28/09/2022 05:57

It sounds a bit like she's scared to get it wrong, and you're waiting for her to get it wrong.

waterlego · 28/09/2022 06:06

Mine died 5 years before I turned 40 (so did my Dad) so nothing.

Would love to have her here for another birthday. Wouldn’t want a gift, just a lovely day out together.

TroysMammy · 28/09/2022 06:11

A Zoo Keeper experience. She gave me a tiny book and on each page had she had used stickers to spell out a word about my present. When I got to the picture of wellies I realised what my present was and I just burst into tears. I had to wait a few months for it because January is a shit month for birthdays.

Lifeisrelentless · 28/09/2022 06:12

To be fair I understand where you’re coming from. I also have a strained relationship with my mum. For my birthdays she usually doesn’t ask me what I might like but buys just random bits from cheapy shops that I won’t use and usually end up giving it to a charity shop. I’d rather get nothing, or some nice flowers and chocolates, rather than stuff that gets wasted! Don’t really care if this makes me sound ungrateful, it’s different when you have don’t have a great relationship to begin with. I do still love her and I know I’m lucky she’s alive etc but if she was a brilliant mum to begin with I wouldn’t care less about things like presents. So I think it depends on the relationship.

FiveMins · 28/09/2022 06:18

I don't think anything. We tend not to do presents as don't need much and ends up just buying stuff for the sake of it. She did make me a nice roast

mrssunshinexxx · 28/09/2022 06:19

Nothing because she died 2 years ago Suddenly when I was 27

mrssunshinexxx · 28/09/2022 06:21

@HellToupee totally agree. I'd love a fucking cabbage off her 😭

Rosehugger · 28/09/2022 06:23

It sounds a bit like she's scared to get it wrong, and you're waiting for her to get it wrong.

This. Sounds like she can't win, either
she's being criticised for not buying something you like as a surprise or involving OP to get her something she likes.

DM asks me what I would like and gets that, or gives me money towards it.

Pippylongstock · 28/09/2022 06:26

My mum is hands down one of the most caring people you will ever meet, but she is the worst gift giver. I love her to bits but the amount of random gifts she has given me are bordering on hilarious. The thing that bugs her the most is that I always buy her gifts she adores. For my 40th she arranged a lovely family lunch and I sent her links to two dresses I loved. She bought them both along with some chocolates. Try not to overthink it. Some people are just better at gift giving than others and accepting the people in our lives for who they are is just part of being a grown up.