What did your mum give you for your 40th birthday?

[RainbowSlide]

Could you share what she gave you, and how she went about it?

Context:

I have a really strained relationship with my mum, and it's my bday coming up. She suggested a big family lunch, which i agreed to as it's a nice gesture, but then she proceeded to involve me in all steps of the process, asking for dates, venues, sharing the irritations of organising it etc. I had to suggest to her that she really needed to call up some places once she had a date as we'll be a party of 13 and not all places can accommodate. Cue further questions. In the end I had to ask her to speak to my dh about it as it was ending up stressing me out. She agreed, and dh is really happy to step up and help, but she can't seem to stop herself from involving me. I am 34 weeks pregnant with two kids and a job, and it was adding to my mental load, which I had to spell out to her as she just didn't get it. I know this sounds ungrateful, but I feel like if you offer to organise a nice family lunch, once I've said yes to that, you should go and organise it, not involve me in every detail.

The next thing is the present. My mum really doesn't know me very well, which i find really hard, and gift giving is pretty triggering as it always demonstrates this - really strange things that are not something I'd ever use/buy, often from a cheap discount store. Its not the money, it's more the effort (or lack of), and "just" grabbing something that'll do.

Anyway, its my 40th coming up in a few weeks and she's only now asking what I want, "shall we just get you a voucher for a massage or something?", which in itself would be a nice gift but I don't understand why I need to be part of the process. I end up saying yes but to speak to dh as he knows what I like, so that I don't then get asked a million questions about the voucher. For a big bday i would prefer a piece of jewellery or something to keep, but I'm hesitant to suggest that as I know it would be something kind of cheap and not what I'd like. I'm really not picky, would love something simple, but its the type of stuff she buys that worries me - something jokey or with an animal on it that she thinks there's a funny back story to, or something like that. It's really hard to explain.

Tldr: I'd really like to know from people with close relationships with their mums, what did she give you for your 40th birthday? I have no idea what is normal as I have no reference point.

Thanks in advance

I don’t think anything (she was very very ill with advanced dementia so I don’t think so). She died about 2 years later 😢.

I’d cut her some slack, she sounds like she’s trying to get it right just being a bit faffy in the process.

Money, the same as every year. She always complained I was hard to buy for. The problem was, she’d start out with good intentions but then see a cheaper version so I’d get - for example - a pair of earrings that were not quite right.

No idea.

I can't remember what she bought for my birthday earlier this year.

I'm surprised everyone on here remembers this stuff!

Nothing. You seem very entitled.

Both of my parents had died by the time that I was 33, so I'm struggling to take this seriously. However misunderstood you feel, your mother is clearly trying to give you an experience / gift that you will enjoy.

My mum didn't buy me anything for my 40th because she died a few weeks before.

Be grateful for the effort and appreciate what you have I would say, that's a gift in itself.

Thanks to those of you with tricky relationships with their mums for replying, I do feel like you are the ones who understand. Many of you with close relationships with your mums seem not to remember gifts so I thought that was interesting, thanks for sharing that too.

Therapy sounds like a great idea, I'm in no denial about how this strained relationship has affected me, so need to get it together and organise it.

Yes I'm ignoring the tonnes of replies saying I'm hard work, grabby, immature and picky. And those that sympathise with my dm who they don't know anything about, or seem to know what she's thinking. It's not what I came here to ask, so no point in answering it.

Honestly, I don't remember what my mum got me for my 40th. Maybe money? We have a good, close relationship but presents aren't a big thing for us.

No idea what she got me, I can't remember because it's not important. We have a good enough relationship but I wouldn't measure the strength of a good relationship on what somebody bought you for your birthday.

Honestly it sounds like she is worried about not getting it right. You do sound ungrateful and picky.

She's just making sure you get what you want

The way you've worded it does make you sound unreasonable. Like she's scared of getting it wrong and can't meet your expectations.

I get it though and it sounds irritating. However you're not going to get a different mother, she's not going to suddenly be the thoughtful type who goes all out and makes you feel special. You're better off just telling her no thanks, just babysit or something so you can go out with your bloke.

Mine always just gives money, it's minimum effort for her and wouldn't come to any gathering that was about me or would come and sit with a face on for the duration. Or cry or something.

My mum who I am very close to, bought me a present for my 40th(can't remember what it was ) and that was it.

Yours is going to a lot of effort

My relationship with my mum is good and fairly equal. We are both very practical adults and we help each other out if needed. As a family we don't go in for presents much, and certainly not sentimental gifts of the type you seem to think are normal from mother to daughter. For my 40th she gave me cash to put towards my new Dyson but most birthdays we don't bother. I got her some of her old LPs framed for her birthday this year but usually I just send a card. If we were organising a meal out we would both be happy to discuss the plan and share the tasks. Its not really a big mental load in my view, certainly if its shared. There is no game playing in my relationships of the type that you describe with your mum.

I really feel for you. It sounds really shitty! Why offer to organise a dinner for you only to then huff and puff about it and try and get you to organise it yourself?! And the present: asking if she just just get you a massage voucher makes it sound like she wants to fob you off with something and like it's such a chore!
If you'd had swapped out DM with DH here, I reckon you'd have got a much kinder response here. Mumsnet is funny about mums. And presents.

I had just had an extension/conversion in my house which was great but I had to use part of the room for my chest freezer and garden storage. She took me to choose some lovely blinds to hide it so the room wasn't spoiled by it, and paid for them fitting. She also put £100 behind the bar for me and my friends at the venue I'd picked for us to have a drink for my birthday.

Your Mum sounds afraid of getting it wrong, but I appreciate the backstory is likely not a nice one for you.

£50 transferred into a bank account and an electronic card - every year since I turned 21 (I got a pair of pearl earrings I picked).
I have a good close relationship with my parents.

If you want something in particular, I'd ask for it. Pick a piece of jewellery and say "not sure on your budget, but I'm after these - a voucher towards them would be wonderful"

My DM, before she started giving me money for gifts, often gave me things I didn't like and would never have chosen. I didn't care - she was my mother and I was grateful for the thought. It seems you only want to engage with people who agree with you, and not the majority who think you are overly concerned with this issue. You are a grown woman with a family of your own - why is your mother's gift seemingly the most important issue in your life?? As for the lunch, I get the impression she thinks if she just goes ahead and organises everything you won't be happy with it - and from your op I can see why she thinks that.

A whispered ‘Happy Birthday’ on the phone.

It was however at the height of covid and she was in HDU, so it was actually a great present.

I said to sort something out afterwards, but life has got in the way. I don’t care though.

I can’t remember what I got from my mum even though it was this year.
I get what you mean though. When you’ve had a strained relationship and get a bit of an inclination that someone might care, you get your hopes up a bit perhaps. I often do but then end up feeling uncared for her again and again. My mum suggested she’d take me and the kids on holidays for instance this year but then never mentioned anything after and has been quite cold. I can call her on that but can’t be bothered to be honest. Or invite us over to her but then spend very little time with us. The narrative is all the time how she works hard and how busy she is and how she has it hard, even though she is fairly well off and honestly doesn’t even have to work if doesn’t want to.
She also didn’t protect me from abuse when I was a child and probably still thinks it was nothing to do with her, even though she was aware. She also contributed to the abuse herself. We are very different where she has little friends and is very passive and thinks it’s a virtue. She treats every one at her like shit.
To protect myself really now I keep a big distance and even if she would offer to do something for me, I don’t even take it seriously. It still annoys me when my brother and I spend a lot of money on presents for her that we know she would like but then she lets expensive vouchers to expire or not use something. I feel she is often unintentionally perhaps toxic and it’s best to see her for who she really is. My mum will never give me what I’ve needed as a child and will never give me what I would like from her as an adult. So many people have lost their mums and respond so negatively to this post but for many of us it is such a different relationship we have with our mums. For me it’s a lifetime of being let down and disappointed and it’s not about presents but just wrong and hurtful decisions on her part. You’d think she’d want to compensate with being thoughtful around bdays at least but she doesn’t have mental capacity to do this. I think to be thoughtful you probably have to be a content person in the first place and I don’t think that she is.

She paid for us both to go to New York.

I think her buying the animal stuff with a funny backstory is probably her trying to be kind and thoughtful.

Last Christmas we bought my mum a new tv and she bought me a bottle of menopause vitamins to help be be less grumpy. Can’t think why she makes me grumpy.🤔

i got a pizza tray in a Sainbury's bag.

I think I got a kindle paper white 🤔
Is it bad that I can't remember?? I do remember feeling vaguely disappointed as although it was a pricey gift, it wasn't really "special" IFSWIM

A shed, for my son to keep his very expensive bike (which she bought for his 16th birthday) in. I then had to organise its construction, and the demolition of the old shed it was replacing, plus the disposal of the weird items our house's previous owners had used to construct it from... It was horrendously stressful and yes; I could have done without the headache of it all, but at the same time, I'm grateful for the shed, for the fact my mother thinks of my children (ie, protecting my son's bike from the elements/theft), and for the fact that she's still here, actually. We're not close, but she does her best to tell me, in practical ways, that she loves me.

In contrast, when my older brothers turned 40 she bought them concert tickets and a weight lifting bench. Pretty sure I got the better gift.