Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What did your mum give you for your 40th birthday?

171 replies

RainbowSlide · 27/09/2022 23:01

Could you share what she gave you, and how she went about it?

Context:

I have a really strained relationship with my mum, and it's my bday coming up. She suggested a big family lunch, which i agreed to as it's a nice gesture, but then she proceeded to involve me in all steps of the process, asking for dates, venues, sharing the irritations of organising it etc. I had to suggest to her that she really needed to call up some places once she had a date as we'll be a party of 13 and not all places can accommodate. Cue further questions. In the end I had to ask her to speak to my dh about it as it was ending up stressing me out. She agreed, and dh is really happy to step up and help, but she can't seem to stop herself from involving me. I am 34 weeks pregnant with two kids and a job, and it was adding to my mental load, which I had to spell out to her as she just didn't get it. I know this sounds ungrateful, but I feel like if you offer to organise a nice family lunch, once I've said yes to that, you should go and organise it, not involve me in every detail.

The next thing is the present. My mum really doesn't know me very well, which i find really hard, and gift giving is pretty triggering as it always demonstrates this - really strange things that are not something I'd ever use/buy, often from a cheap discount store. Its not the money, it's more the effort (or lack of), and "just" grabbing something that'll do.

Anyway, its my 40th coming up in a few weeks and she's only now asking what I want, "shall we just get you a voucher for a massage or something?", which in itself would be a nice gift but I don't understand why I need to be part of the process. I end up saying yes but to speak to dh as he knows what I like, so that I don't then get asked a million questions about the voucher. For a big bday i would prefer a piece of jewellery or something to keep, but I'm hesitant to suggest that as I know it would be something kind of cheap and not what I'd like. I'm really not picky, would love something simple, but its the type of stuff she buys that worries me - something jokey or with an animal on it that she thinks there's a funny back story to, or something like that. It's really hard to explain.

Tldr: I'd really like to know from people with close relationships with their mums, what did she give you for your 40th birthday? I have no idea what is normal as I have no reference point.

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Apricot10 · 27/09/2022 23:05

My mum bought me a new front door. She's quite practical bless her.

Original poster
RainbowSlide · 27/09/2022 23:07

@Apricot10 is that bc it was something you'd asked her for? Was it what you wanted?

OP posts:
thaegumathteth · 27/09/2022 23:09

A ring that I ordered myself

minticecreamisjustok · 27/09/2022 23:10

Nothing because she never buys me anything, a card sometimes if she remembers

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/09/2022 23:10

You say you're not picky OP but you sound horribly picky to me! You've forgotten about it being the thought that counts right? Sounds like your mum is trying despite your strained relationship. Give her a break!

Gotanewname · 27/09/2022 23:11

Honestly…without the full back story…going purely by what you’ve said here it sounds like she’s scared of getting it wrong.

onepieceoflollipop · 27/09/2022 23:12

I’ve got a non-traditional relationship with my mum.
She kindly chose me a necklace kind of similar to the style/price attached.
I treasure it as she chose it (she usually asks for a list)

What did your mum give you for your 40th birthday?
ChocolateElephant · 27/09/2022 23:13

Probably chocolates and some flowers as I don't actually remember. Certainly neither parent would have paid for ameal out for 13 people! That's a huge gift!!

She sounds like she's bending over backwards to try and get it "right". Tell her you'd like a voucher from X for a massage and that would be grand. I always ask my children what they want..

Pieceofpurplesky · 27/09/2022 23:14

You seem very demanding.

My mum baked me a cake and got me a lovely card. She bought me a ring for £40 that I chose. I love it. But then, unlike you, I expected nothing.

YourUserNameMustBeAtLeast3Characters · 27/09/2022 23:14

I have a good, close relationship with my mum. Just before my 40th we were in the garden centre buying her a garden swing seat. I was looking at them longingly. She picked out two folding camping chairs for me . I must admit I was a little disappointed. We use them about once a year.

She’s a bit rubbish at presents. It’s often something she likes and uses and assumes I will too (often I don’t).

All the checking details with you OP sounds like your mum knows she gets it wrong and finds it stressful, and maybe her random gifts are from a panic.

PinkStickleBrick · 27/09/2022 23:14

£30. For my sisters 30th I suggested we get a joint expensive present. Then my dad died before I turned 30 and milstone birthdays are like any other birthday I have ever had. My mum never wishes me happy birthday. It's all very weird

MarmiteCoriander · 27/09/2022 23:15

She asked if I wanted anything specific- I didn't. She suggested if I'd like a ring, earrings, necklace etc. We went shopping together, she gave me a rough budget and let me choose what I wanted.

Lurkerlot · 27/09/2022 23:15

Paid for my portion of a two week villa break in Ibiza.

Yellowcakestand · 27/09/2022 23:17

Close with my mum. Standard for every birthday/Christmas is £50 cash

Gintime74 · 27/09/2022 23:18

On my 40th my mum gave me 40 presents individually wrapped! Mostly from Poundland or Charity shops but very thoughtful anyway. A meal out for 13:people is a lot of money, sounds like she’s trying very hard but scared of getting it wrong.

Thisbastardcomputer · 27/09/2022 23:18

A bloody awful blue leather handbag from Marks and Spencer's, I'm a Mulberry girl. Charity shopped unused a few years later.

Supersimkin2 · 27/09/2022 23:20

An Indian silver bracelet she’d given me the year before. She bought a load from my cousin’s shop to impress him.

I said thank you and didn’t mention the repeat.

Somethingneedstochange · 27/09/2022 23:20

Nothing my mum died 14 years before I turned 40.

As an adult she would sometimes buy me a top she thought I might like. We would arrange a meal out as a family. Just wether spoons or a pub carvery. But that was about it.

HaveringWavering · 27/09/2022 23:22

Nothing, she died two months before it. Count yourself lucky.

Discovereads · 27/09/2022 23:22

Tbh, you come across as quite picky and entitled.
You equate a good present with effort when it’s clear from her checking with you that she knows she is rubbish at picking gifts and desperately wants to please you. I don’t think she is badgering you or adding to your mental workload by checking with you on dates, number of guests or if you have a restaurant you prefer for your own birthday meal. And you refusing to let her know her suggestion for a massage voucher isn’t what you really want by saying yes and pretending you liked it? It’s almost like you want her to get it wrong so you can continue your hard done by narrative.

As for what my mum got for my 40th, nothing because she was long dead & buried. I don’t think you realise how lucky you are to have a mum who cares enough to ask you what you want and be trying so hard to do something nice for you.

HellToupee · 27/09/2022 23:22

Absolutely nothing.

She died 2 days before my 18th birthday and trust me, for any milestone birthday I would have welcomed a cabbage wrapped in a bow with a huge smile and a grateful heart if it meant she would have still been here.

NancyDrooo · 27/09/2022 23:23

You sound like you want a lovely surprise gift, but historically you’ve not appreciated them - that makes you awkward to buy for. Find a piece of jewellery you like and send her the link. You may as well be practical about this if you want something you’ll really like!

For my 40th my mum came over for a shopping day and bought me a gorgeous pair of leather boots, and lunch at The Ivy.

coldcoldheartt · 27/09/2022 23:23

I agrée with a PP that she sounds scared of getting it wrong as you seem rather picky.

My mum gave me a budget and asked me to choose 'something to keep' from that. I got a lovely jewellery box

MammaWeasel · 27/09/2022 23:24

Money so that I could buy what I wanted. Probably flowers and chocs too. Perfect. I have a great relationship with my mum.

gretr · 27/09/2022 23:25

I’m so close to my mum, we call each other every day nearly. For my big birthdays since I was 21, she’s asked what I wanted. I usually don’t have a clue, so she’s given me money, or I’ve ordered it online and she’s paid. Your mum sounds like she’s making a massive effort and worried you won’t like it. She really sounds caring. If you want something, ask for it, and if you know what she’s like be prepared to help her. I think she sounds like she’s worried it won’t be up to your expectations