What did your mum give you for your 40th birthday?

[RainbowSlide]

Could you share what she gave you, and how she went about it?

Context:

I have a really strained relationship with my mum, and it's my bday coming up. She suggested a big family lunch, which i agreed to as it's a nice gesture, but then she proceeded to involve me in all steps of the process, asking for dates, venues, sharing the irritations of organising it etc. I had to suggest to her that she really needed to call up some places once she had a date as we'll be a party of 13 and not all places can accommodate. Cue further questions. In the end I had to ask her to speak to my dh about it as it was ending up stressing me out. She agreed, and dh is really happy to step up and help, but she can't seem to stop herself from involving me. I am 34 weeks pregnant with two kids and a job, and it was adding to my mental load, which I had to spell out to her as she just didn't get it. I know this sounds ungrateful, but I feel like if you offer to organise a nice family lunch, once I've said yes to that, you should go and organise it, not involve me in every detail.

The next thing is the present. My mum really doesn't know me very well, which i find really hard, and gift giving is pretty triggering as it always demonstrates this - really strange things that are not something I'd ever use/buy, often from a cheap discount store. Its not the money, it's more the effort (or lack of), and "just" grabbing something that'll do.

Anyway, its my 40th coming up in a few weeks and she's only now asking what I want, "shall we just get you a voucher for a massage or something?", which in itself would be a nice gift but I don't understand why I need to be part of the process. I end up saying yes but to speak to dh as he knows what I like, so that I don't then get asked a million questions about the voucher. For a big bday i would prefer a piece of jewellery or something to keep, but I'm hesitant to suggest that as I know it would be something kind of cheap and not what I'd like. I'm really not picky, would love something simple, but its the type of stuff she buys that worries me - something jokey or with an animal on it that she thinks there's a funny back story to, or something like that. It's really hard to explain.

Tldr: I'd really like to know from people with close relationships with their mums, what did she give you for your 40th birthday? I have no idea what is normal as I have no reference point.

Thanks in advance

Tell her you don't want a pay your own way lunch (unless you do, which it doesn't sound like) and then tell her you'd like a shopping trip with her to choose something (which it also doesn't sound like) or just tell her to decide for herself, at least she's trying! I didn't have a 21st, 30th or 40th with my mum and my dad chucks £20-£40 in a card so either tell her your wishes or don't but if you'd prefer something else while she's involving you just say.

For my 30th she and my partner conspired together and I got a weekend away in Edinburgh. Nothing for my 40th because it's next year and she's dead, but were she around it'd probably be a weekend away again.

I'm quite hard to buy for, Im not really one for stuff, and if I do want something it's probably some obscurely named computer part. So she'd either ask me what I want, or give me money towards something, or sort out an experience of some sort. She'd put the effort in though.

My Dad on the other hand would get me a card if I was lucky.

My mum died when I was 38. Before then it was lovely things, like if we were out shopping and I tried on a perfume I liked, she would buy it and say have that for your birthday coming up. Once she bought me a chest of draws for my bedroom, which I've still got, another time a lovely coat and some gloves, a filofax, knitted throws, flowers. We spent a lot of time mooching around shops or garden centres together, going to cafes for cake, so she knew what things caught my eye. She was my best friend, she knew me inside out.
I am sorry you have a strained relationship with your Mum, maybe she senses this and worries out upsetting you hence why she over thinks all of the decisions. I hope you can find a happy medium for your relationship. Best of luck with the new baby xx.

I can't even remember and I'm 51!

She's your mum OP, she's just trying to do her best and get it right, especially if you have a strained relationship.

Mine wanted to pay for dh and I to go to New York for a few days but it didn't appeal to us so I asked if she'd put the money towards a caravan instead, over 10 years later we're still using the caravan, sadly dm is no longer with us but it was a great present. I probably have an emotional attachment to caravanning because I used to go with my dm.

I think I had a vaguely similar relationship with my mum before she got dementia. We're very different people and honestly she had no idea what I would like so sometimes I'd get something random or just 20 quid in a card.

However, now 'my mum' is gone and there's just this lady who looks a bit like my mum left, one of my most treasured possessions is a reusable shopping bag with my name and a trite little verse on it. My mum got me it one day for no reason at all and now it means everything, it was a time when she still thought about me when I wasn't there.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is appreciate it, all the shitty little bizarre gifts because your mum is thinking of you and wants to try for you and you never know when that will end.

When I was 16 my mother who was dying and obviously not working gave me a piece of her jewelry as she in her own words said she had no money, shortly after she died.
I cherish that piece of jewelry and make a point of wearing it on birthdays, and special occasions.

Maybe age 40 is a time when you stop thinking of your needs and think of her needs, she won't be around forever.

I must admit if she had been around now I would have been spoiling her rotten.

My mum got me a wine glass with a glittery picture of designer shoes on it and "Happy 40th". Which would be okay but I don't drink wine (and never have), and I am never going to be able to wear high heels again! It made me laugh though.

I’ll let you know in November as I turn 40 then!

I have a really close relationship with my mum but tbh I wouldn’t be bothered if she got me nothing!
I know she can’t afford anything expensive and she’s already asked me what I want and i said I’d think about it but I really don’t need anything.
Normally on our birthdays we go for a nice lunch together somewhere whilst my kids are at school.

Some nice ideas there, thanks for those.

She wouldn't go shopping with me, it's not what she likes to do.

I don't care about who pays for what at a family lunch, it's not the point. The point was that she would be asking me how to do every step of the way to organise it while I was wrangling two small kids, and I hadn't asked her to do it, she'd offered but then put all the decisions back on me so it was just another thing to organise.

I'm sorry so many of you have lost your mums.

Being told to be grateful for what I have is pretty invalidating, I know things could be worse, there's always someone worse off. Should I just swallow the sadness and be grateful? Doesn't sound healthy to me, possibly neither is asking strangers on the internet for their experiences. I was reaching out to understand others' relationships with their mums and how that relates to gift giving. No it's not the Most Important Thing, but I was hoping to get some sense of balance around my expectations. I have a daughter and would hate for her to feel this way about me, but with no sense of normal I am pretty concerned I'll repeat the relationship. This isn't what I was asking about, but all part of the story i guess.

This isn't really about what I do for her though. I spend a lot of time and effort on her. Every birthday I get her a mix of things like books she wants, donations to charities she really likes, photo gifts of her grand kids, flowers, bowls/pottery that she has really liked. I spend the time to think about it so she feels valued and special. Its not about the money, it's the thought.

How do you know your mum wants and likes the things you buy for her?

My 40th was this year and my mum bought me a new pair of converse, a personalised candle and a photo frame. I was delighted with the gifts and we are very close.

I don't buy into this 'big birthday' nonsense that everyone should move heaven and earth for your special day.

I think it's the way society is now though. We see photos of expensive gifts that others have received, plastered all over social media. Big gatherings for birthdays, elaborate gifts etc. We are almost trained to think this is the 'norm'.

Normal is different for everyone. I do think you are possibly putting a bit too much pressure on your mum but your feelings are still valid.

I hope you have a lovely birthday with your family 💐

Trust me, she'd tell me if she didn't like them.

The same way you tell her if you don’t like a gift?

No. In the sense that she has no filter and limited tact, or understanding of her impact on others feelings. If I told her, she would get cross and sulk, and then bring it up at any opportunity to others to shame me. It's not the same at all.

i get where you’re coming from, but you know by now I’m what your mum is like so it’s time to accept that. Tell her what you want to avoid disappointment.

Thanks, that's probably the best advice isn't it.

I love my parents with every fibre of my soul and I still couldn't tell you what they bought me for my 40th. Next year is my 50th and I'll probably forget that too!

It sounds like the lack of connection and warmth in the relationship with your mum is starting to make you think more about the relationship in general and you are looking for something solid to try to understand what is going on? You are pregnant and your 40th is approaching as you have a lot of change coming your way. I think you sound confused about something you can't quite work out, and your mum's behaviour around birthdays represents something much bigger.

Honestly you are coming across as someone who thinks she's a nuisnance.

Would she be less annoying if she bought you a Channel handbag.

Jusy quietly steer her to something you would like, it's really not that hard, unless you're saying she puposely buys you shit gifts on purpose to upset you.

Is that what you are implying ?

A new extra warm winter coat. I love it

I should never have given any back story. It's too hard to portray a lifetime's complicated relationship here, and tbh i just wanted answers to the main question. Lesson learned, it's more fun for some to pick holes in how I come across than just share what your experiences have been.

I've had a real vent here, very self indulgent and not super rewarding.

Thanks to those who have shared their experiences and given constructive advice, it's really appreciated.

@RainbowSlide I understand. My mother was similar. Not sure if it was for my 40th, but one birthday stood out when she gave me a handbag that she thought I wouldn't like! Her words.

She would buy other family members quite extravagant and thoughtful gifts and ones that they would like. With me, she seemed to go out of her way to buy cheap, inappropriate gifts.

On other milestone birthdays she would happily let me organise, buy and cook for a family meal and then take all the credit for it.

I get it, I really do x

@RainbowSlide it's obviously not about the present.

We know that.

I know all about difficult mother daughter relationships.

What do you do?

HARD BOUNDARIES. Really.