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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex while asleep

319 replies

Rachellilllian · 26/09/2022 13:56

I woke up a night ago as my partner turned me over and started having sex with me, I was fast asleep when he started. They was no hug or fondle just straight in. 18 months together and he has never done this before, but I feel uncomfortable. When I asked me about it the morning, he just said sorry that he didn’t know who had started it.

OP posts:
Naunet · 26/09/2022 16:07

Rachellilllian · 26/09/2022 15:54

i don’t want it deleted, I asked for help and most of you have been amazing. I didn’t want to talk to a friend, I needed it to be like this so I could clarify it in my head before I did. Im struggling not to call him but he knows he has blanked me all day.

Do you know why you want to call him? Is it to try and make everything normal again and OK? Or is it to confront him maybe? Knowing why, might help you to avoid it.

OldFan · 26/09/2022 16:08

I too was raped by an intimate partner: at the time I was very young and naïve, unable to process precisely what had happened. To cap it all, it was my first sexual encounter and thought I was in love with him.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks So sorry to hear that. Sad How're you doing now?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 26/09/2022 16:10

The posters who for some reason feel the need to explain the lack of boundaries in their own relationships, and to blur stark black and white territory into murky shades of grey, need to think about why they are doing what they're doing. And then stop it - like now.

Who do you think you're helping when you attempt to muddy the waters surrounding rape? It's a clear-cut, straightforward legal definition. And this isn't about you. Your completely messed up notions of what is and isn't an appropriate threshold for consent, or blind spot as to what kind of partners you might have hooked up with, have nothing whatsoever to do with OP's thread.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 26/09/2022 16:12

OldFan · 26/09/2022 16:08

I too was raped by an intimate partner: at the time I was very young and naïve, unable to process precisely what had happened. To cap it all, it was my first sexual encounter and thought I was in love with him.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks So sorry to hear that. Sad How're you doing now?

I'm really moved by your kind post, even though this happened to me years ago. I've been through a more serious case since - fifteen was not a good age for me in that sense.

I'm a worldly old bird now and I am completely fine. But thank you so much for asking Flowers

JustLyra · 26/09/2022 16:14

Rachellilllian · 26/09/2022 15:54

i don’t want it deleted, I asked for help and most of you have been amazing. I didn’t want to talk to a friend, I needed it to be like this so I could clarify it in my head before I did. Im struggling not to call him but he knows he has blanked me all day.

That’s also not uncommon.

If you can just talk to him everything can go back to normal and then it’s not horrible or scary or sad…

It doesn’t work though. It doesn’t go back to normal. It doesn’t leave your head completely. Then you have to deal with the “well I talked to him…” as well as the initial thing.

The fact he’s blanked you is very telling. The silent treatment very often makes people make the first move. And if you call him he can use that later when you struggle - pointing out that you called him and now you’re being mean or confusing.

I’d bet this is something he’s done before. And there’s quite possibly little things that you’ll think of further down the line that show him to be an abusive character in other ways - probably very charming and personable, but subtly abusive.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 26/09/2022 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

That is different. If my DH woke me up this way I would expect to be actually woken up before any piv took place. Like some gentle kissing or something. Putting his penis in her when she's too asleep to consent is rape. As is giving a man a blow job if he was out of it too.

OldFan · 26/09/2022 16:18

@MarieIVanArkleStinks Glad you're doing ok. I think our earliest sexual experiences, if negative, can be some of the worst for sticking around in our heads sometimes.

I've been through a more serious case since

Men can be so awful. Sad xxx

InsertPunHere · 26/09/2022 16:19

It happened to me when I was younger and we didn't discuss issues of consent that much back then. Like you, I froze. That's a very common, normal response.

It can also be pretty traumatic to realise what was done to you was rape - lots of women like to reframe it to themselves because they find it too distressing.

I hope the rape crisis service is helpful. I'm so sorry you went through this. If you feel strong enough to do so, please report it to the police. But only if you feel strong enough to do so - the priority is you.

Runmybathforme · 26/09/2022 16:19

DontBlameMe79 · 26/09/2022 14:03

Must admit my boyfriend does this every now and then and I love it. Waking up with him inside me is great. But it’s something we both know is OK, which it the important thing. This sounds a bit more grey area - was he awake?

We do the same, sleepy sex is great, but as you say, it's consensual.

Have a heart to heart with him about how it's made you feel, and see how he responds.

Pixiedust1234 · 26/09/2022 16:21

OP if you take nothing else away just remember its not your fault. None of it is. Do not accept any blame he chooses to give you. You did nothing wrong.

He chose to not wake you. He chose to roll you over. He chose to ignore that rolling you over didn't wake you. He chose to penetrate you. He chose to say he didn't know who started it despite knowing you were asleep (based on him rolling you over). He chose to blank and ignore you.

He chose all that. You chose nothing.

Please get specialist help. Whether its calling, live chat, email, text or visiting the police station. Please do something to help the inner you Flowers

BitossiBlues · 26/09/2022 16:22

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 26/09/2022 16:10

The posters who for some reason feel the need to explain the lack of boundaries in their own relationships, and to blur stark black and white territory into murky shades of grey, need to think about why they are doing what they're doing. And then stop it - like now.

Who do you think you're helping when you attempt to muddy the waters surrounding rape? It's a clear-cut, straightforward legal definition. And this isn't about you. Your completely messed up notions of what is and isn't an appropriate threshold for consent, or blind spot as to what kind of partners you might have hooked up with, have nothing whatsoever to do with OP's thread.

Absolutely this. Some people seem to think that, just because there are common features in their own consensual sex lives and the OP's experience of rape that their experience is relevant. It's as facile and fatuous as, say, a woman relaying an account of being pushed, shoved and hit by a partner, and someone coming on to say how they enjoy a bit of S&M and play wrestling.

OP, I am really sorry for what has happened to you. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, but please, please , please do not give that man the benefit of the doubt and another chance to hurt you. He knew exactly what he was doing.

bringbackveronicamars · 26/09/2022 16:23

Rachellilllian · 26/09/2022 14:11

I don’t know how to tell someone that. He was really odd and cold the next day and today.

Of course he was, because you woke him up to find him raping you. He was hoping to get away with it, and he still is.

Please report him to the police. I'm sure this isn't the first time he's done something like this.

Original poster
Rachellilllian · 26/09/2022 16:23

@CousinKrispy to be honest. Although this the first time this has happened, I have had many red flags about who he is. So I’m feeling extremely broken and vulnerable right now. I need to be strong

OP posts:
JustLyra · 26/09/2022 16:24

Runmybathforme · 26/09/2022 16:19

We do the same, sleepy sex is great, but as you say, it's consensual.

Have a heart to heart with him about how it's made you feel, and see how he responds.

Show quote history

On a thread of this nature you could at least have the decency to read all of the OP's posts.

BigPharma · 26/09/2022 16:27

Dontblameme79
what the actual........
seriously
who shares stuff like that, especially to someone who is clearly traumatized by her situation.
very strange behavior-

DontBlameMe79 · 26/09/2022 16:28

BigPharma · 26/09/2022 16:27

Dontblameme79
what the actual........
seriously
who shares stuff like that, especially to someone who is clearly traumatized by her situation.
very strange behavior-

Stuff like what?

CousinKrispy · 26/09/2022 16:28

It's hard as shit being in this position when you start to recognise the red flags. You are obviously very strong, OP, you've made it this far, so I know you're strong enough to make it through all the way. But it feels really hard, I know.

As well as Rape Crisis, you may find it useful to call Women's Aid. They are great to talk to as you start to figure out the pattern of what went wrong. I found them really helpful and they had a FTF drop-in clinic local to me too once a week.

If you have some real life friends or family you feel ready to talk to that could also help.

He will keep trying to blame you--ignore this!!

It could also be worth posting on the Relationships board about the wider picture of your relationship. Posters on that board are generally a little more clued-in about the difference between consensual acts in a healthy relationship and abuse, and might be a little less likely to derail your thread with a load of "but I want to have the last word about MY situation!!" posts.

GarlicCrackers · 26/09/2022 16:32

My ex husband used to rape me in my sleep. If it feels wrong it's wrong.

The father of my incoming baby sometimes will sleep-sex. Its really weird but there's a major difference between him being awake and him being asleep when he does it. He's usually embarrassed in the morning but since Ive learned to tell the difference I can generally stop it with a bit of force. He's done it less since going on antidepressants.

The main thing is I don't feel fear with him, but I did with my disgusting ex husband

GarlicCrackers · 26/09/2022 16:34

I should say, I didn't report my exhusband, I wasn't very strong and I live with that regret every day.

Cw112 · 26/09/2022 16:36

I'm so sorry that he did that to you. Unless you have previously agreed that it's something you're fine with etc then he didn't have your consent to do that. You have a few options, you can talk to the police, talk to a trusted friend or relative who you can be open with, or you might find it's easier to open up to a stranger through nexus or the domestic and sexual violence helpline, it just depends on what you feel most comfortable with. Can you take some time away from him to let yourself process your feelings- sometimes it takes time to decide what you want to do and you are allowed to take that time. The main thing to remember here is you did absolutely nothing wrong, nothing to deserve what happened and it is entirely his fault. You have every right to be upset and to speak to someone about it but I would try to speak to someone that isn't him and isn't loyal to him so you get an impartial and supportive response. Please look after yourself and put yourself first here going forwards no matter what that looks like.

uncertainalice · 26/09/2022 16:38

@Rachellilllian recognising and having to begin to accept that your partner is not who you thought they were is really difficult. This disgusting act sounds like the biggest red flag of many previous flags - which is what, in my experience, happens when you discover you are in an abusive relationship; it takes time to realise it, but eventually something happens that is just too much to explain away.

Please get some support from Women's Aid or a counsellor experienced in abuse, they will help you work through this - however strong you are it will be good to have someone to lean on.

CousinKrispy · 26/09/2022 16:40

Flowers for GarlicCrackers and everyone else on the thread who has survived it too. Please don't beat yourself up for "not being strong." You were assaulted and the blame lies solely with the dickheads who commit assault, not the person who was left to deal with having been violated in the best way they could.

Herejustforthisone · 26/09/2022 16:50

Runmybathforme · 26/09/2022 16:19

We do the same, sleepy sex is great, but as you say, it's consensual.

Have a heart to heart with him about how it's made you feel, and see how he responds.

Show quote history

Are you two totally dense? Can you not read the tone of the thread or at least the OP’s posts???

This was rape. His subsequent behaviour is very telling. I’m so sorry.

Naunet · 26/09/2022 16:51

Rachellilllian · 26/09/2022 16:23

@CousinKrispy to be honest. Although this the first time this has happened, I have had many red flags about who he is. So I’m feeling extremely broken and vulnerable right now. I need to be strong

Well then that only backs up the fact this isn’t a mistake as some are implying, he’s a dangerous guy. I suspect he’s being cold to you now because he wants you to brush this aside and try and fix things, he’s literally trying to train your reaction to this, right now. He plans to do it again.

I know you may not want to tell anyone in real life yet, but please do consider it over the next few days. You need some real life support. Or maybe you could try writing down all your thoughts, just to get them out?

Algor1thm · 26/09/2022 16:53

I'm so sorry this happened to you 😔 Someone did this to me once when I was young and it took me a long time (years) to come to terms with the fact I was raped. Most rape isn't pulled down an alleyway by a stranger - it's this or similar within a relationship.

From my experience, yes this is a huge red flag. More than a red flag. And the silent treatment afterwards is yet another. Please get out ASAP.