Sex while asleep

[Rachellilllian]

I woke up a night ago as my partner turned me over and started having sex with me, I was fast asleep when he started. They was no hug or fondle just straight in. 18 months together and he has never done this before, but I feel uncomfortable. When I asked me about it the morning, he just said sorry that he didn’t know who had started it.

I agree. A reasonable discussion would be better

OP - I'm so glad you got through to somebody as they can help you so much more.

If you start to feel the pull of contacting him again please post in relationships forum about the whole relationship you have. Too many people think aibu is a green light for kicking those who are down. It can be awful.

Everyone else, please ignore the alleged non woman , its posts are very revealing.

Sorry to hear about what’s happened to you OP, and the childhood abuse 💐

You don’t have to do anything immediately, that’s right. You need time and space to process what has happened.

But the only thing I would do immediately is cut all contact with this man. You do not owe him an explanation. If you stay with him this will only escalate. It’s up to you wether your want to press chargers, but that’s probably something to discuss with a professional once you do so xxx

OP, here's a website that helped me a lot when I was going through the (slow) process of leaving a bullying, insecure, abusive man: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/tag/verbal-and-emotional-abuse/

It may not be relevant to you, but might be worth taking a look.

Go to the police while they can still collect the physical evidence.

Dont shower and take any underwear you were wearing and sheets.

I wish I had known about "marital rape" years ago. I really thought I had to put up with it. (Long before I found Mumsnet).

OP you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. In fact, it’s very important right now to tune in to what you need now. The most important thing is a place to sleep safely.

Take as much time as you need to process and to heal; feeling strong will come, but first you have to feel the feelings. Reach out to the crisis lines as often as you need to.

Hi @Rachellilllian we're sorry to hear what you're going through and we hope you get the support you need.

We're going to move your thread over to the Relationships board now. AIBU isn't really the place for it.

Can we also remind people that we take a particularly dim view of attempts to derail a thread where the OP is seeking support. If you don't think you can help here, kindly step back from the thread. Thanks.

This happens more than you think, my ex used to take liberties like this, bloody annoying most of the time, I didn’t like being woken up, after a few bollockings it stopped. I’ve always had a high sex drive if he’d asked he could have had sex.

This is a good website, agreed.

No, no discussion is needed. SImply support for an OP who has gone through a trauma that has clearly triggered past trauma.

How to access support, being there for the OP to talk through any feelings or thoughts she may have and recognising that FOR HER this crossed so many boundaries and was a violation

@Rachellilllian I'm so very sorry this has happened to you. You do need to stay away from him now, I hope you can find the strength and have the support around you to do that. Don't feel bad for freezing, things might have turned violent if you'd objected, you'll never know for sure, but know that YOU did nothing wrong. You were not wrong the other night and you were not wrong at 13. I'm hoping that the crisis team can help you get therapy for your previous abuse, if you need it.
It took a lot of strength to write this post and call for help and you should be very proud of yourself. Hold onto that strength, you'll need it. You might not feel it now but up until this point you have been strong and brave. Keep going, take any support you can get.

On a separate note, some PP have made me feel sick to my stomach so I can't imagine how this poor woman must be feeling. If she'd said 'on my way home last night, I was dragged into an alley and raped against the wall' would you honestly fucking say 'I like having sex against a wall' ?! Jesus fucking christ.
Look up the definition of rape before posting shite.

Men who say they aren't aware they're doing this are lying. They're rapists.

Women's survival responses to threats are freeze, fawn, flight or fight. None of them are 'right' or 'wrong' in terms of victim behaviour. They just are. Not a single one of them are a green light for a man to carry on raping.

No I’ve woken up a partner with a blow job for the simple reason that I would not do a sexual act on someone Wo their consent.
And a blow job isn’t quite different than touching/caressing to wake your partner up and see if they are up for it.

@Rachellilllian i am so sorry that this has happened, as others have said this would be considered rape and by the sounds of how you feel, you haven’t just taken this as adventurous.

I would really consider how you move forward with him, as this type of behaviour is not ok and is a red flag in how he respects you! It is a violation and I can only imagine will put doubts on whether you can trust him.

Have you got someone in real life to speak to op? A friend or a family member you can trust?

This will have triggered a huge amount of past trauma.

I will say one thing, a man that can do this - and yes he did know it was wrong hence the coldness the following day he is trying to detach. He will never change, and I think it is going to be very hard for you to trust him again after this.

Given all you have been through already, you deserve to have a gentle and respectful partner that would never make you relive the worst moments of your life. I am so sorry he is not the man you thought he was, be glad you don't have children or are married to him, you are free to walk away.

Look after yourself. We are all here for you, and many of us have been through similar experiences. The frozen feeling during and after is very common, it is a defence mechanism. 'Fight, flight or freeze' Your body was keeping you safe.

Inadequate as the flowers are, you will come through this op.

I should say, I didn't report my exhusband, I wasn't very strong and I live with that regret every day.

@GarlicCrackers If you're in the UK, we don't have a statute of limitations on this. So you could still report it. I mean, the police are crap but who knows, it might help some other woman- or someone else might've already reported him.

@CousinKrispy thank you, that’s extremely helpful. Spent a long time reading that last night x

@Kissingfrogs25 thank you. I tried to talk to one of friends yesterday but she didn’t seem to understand it at all so that wasn’t helpful. I have to try and get through long shifts at work today and tomorrow but have counsellor Thursday

That's great, I'm glad that website was helpful. Did you get any sleep last night?

One of the unfortunate things about abuse and sexual assault is that some people just don't have a clue about it. Hence all the "well, it's a grey area" "why doesn't she just leave straightaway?" "All couples disagree, sounds like there was fault on both sides" kind of stuff that makes it hard to step back and see: no. This is a different category of situation. And the dynamics are very different from a healthy relationship.

I'm glad you tried talking to your friend anyway, but unfortunately sometimes this happens, a friend or family member or even a therapist is clueless or unhelpful. Listen to your gut and if someone is upsetting you with their response, pull away and focus on finding other sources of support instead.

The troll above has just been reported.

@Redqueenheart I didn’t see it thankfully. Thank u