Sex while asleep

[Rachellilllian]

I woke up a night ago as my partner turned me over and started having sex with me, I was fast asleep when he started. They was no hug or fondle just straight in. 18 months together and he has never done this before, but I feel uncomfortable. When I asked me about it the morning, he just said sorry that he didn’t know who had started it.

Wouldn't it be better to report the terrible posts? I know it might look like swiss cheese (who knew so many people like that existed), but I want to see the op get the support she needs.

No it was someone else going on about their amazing sex life, not me. The wake up blowie person I assume.

Unfortunately if too many posts are reported the whole thread is often taken down.

Here's what I have learned from working with women in trauma resolution:

It doesn't matter if they don't call it rape, they call it anything but rape, they still know what it is on some level. It comes out in depression, fear, anxiety, body tension problems, all kinds of ways. This is because the material reality is that they were penetrated with a penis when they had not consented. Or they withdrew consent and that was not respected. Whatever. Call it what you like, it will affect you like rape will.

OP, please leave this man. Then seek help.

Bizarre that people should offer up their own sexual preferences as though that's meant to be instructive. The legal boundaries are the only relevant boundaries and they are clear.

I figured I'd let MN HQ decide the best course of action TBH. I'm actually properly disturbed by what some posters have said.
OP has said she's going to contact Crisis - and I really hope she does and gets proper support of professionals not random's on the internet.

I agree with a pp. The sock puppet/rape apologists on here are thriving on the oxygen.

It's hard, because they're a disgrace, but they really are best ignored (I haven't followed my own advice on this so far).

MN will delete more posts hopefully.

I think asking, am I being unreasonable, is asking for views.

Ugh, so OP loses the thread she started for support because some vile dipshits think it’s ok for a man to penetrate a woman’s body whenever he feels like it.

Well done misogynists, give yourselves a big clap.

OP, maybe you could start a new thread on the relationships board?

i don’t want it deleted, I asked for help and most of you have been amazing. I didn’t want to talk to a friend, I needed it to be like this so I could clarify it in my head before I did. Im struggling not to call him but he knows he has blanked me all day.

@Rachellilllian

Please, please find your nearest Rape Crisis centre and talk to a counselor there.

This is traumatic and you will need help getting through the violation of your body and also the betrayal of trust.

You need to go with a friend to take any of your things that are at this man's house home with you. Put any stuff of his that's at your place in a bag outside where he can find it. Tell him by text or email that you are dumping him. Then block him.

No one was looking for views on your “situation”. OP wanted views on her situation with a very specific set of circumstances.

You just wanted to attention seek and get validation for being so ~ sexually liberal ~.

Literally not a single user on the Mumsnet Database gives a fuck about you waking up with him inside you.

If you want to talk about your sex life, surely you have a mate you haven’t bored to tears yet with it? This thread is not the time or the place. It was incredibly insensitive to have posted what you did on a thread such as this.

You froze at the time and now feel upset because he raped you, he is being cold and distant because he also knows he raped you (but is probably trying to make it seem like you're in the wrong).
I hope you're doing okay OP, if I were you I wouldn't see him again.

I don't use this word often, but the poster going on about their sex life and trying it normalise this behaviour is disgusting. I hope OP knows to ignore your insensitive, damaging posts.

I read @pumpkinsboo post as her just trying to explain that if her boyfriend did this he wouldn’t be intending to rape her but instead have spontaneous sex.

I have just looked up the definition of rape and read that yes, it is legally rape if the person is asleep. I think maybe she was just trying to point out that there may not have been any maliciousness intended. It does not make the situation ok for somebody that feels violated but I can relate to different relationships having different boundaries.

I think most people would not be ok with this and consider it rape not only legally, but morally.

Its very clear that pumpkinsboo is in a relationship where her partner understands her boundaries and the OP is not.

@doesthatmakesense

Call Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247.
You can get help making a plan to end the abusive relationship you are stuck in, move out, and get signposted to counseling.

You need to gontonyour local Rape Crisis centre too, and get counseling. Your P is raping you and gaslighting you about it.

@Rachellilllian It is completely understandable that you didn't react. It's very, very common for people to 'freeze' when something like this happens, and I think it's even more understandable in your case given that you were asleep and it was the assault that woke you up.

I'm really sorry you've had this experience. It's awful and it's absolutely not OK or acceptable. And yes, it's the lack of any preamble that to me makes it very clear that this was an act of abuse.

I think asking, am I being unreasonable, is asking for views.

Ah you see I took it to be asking for views on how to handle her being, very clearly, raped. Not sure why you and a couple of others have waded in with your crass and distasteful comments.

OP, just incase the thread is taken down.

You're more than welcome to message me if you need someone to talk to anonymously. I am not a professional by any means but went through a very similar situation that you have a few years ago. I know how it feels.

I just wanted to put that out there, as I know how low and alone you’re probably feeling right now. You have support here.

Yes, it does. This sort of behaviour is calculated to bring you into line; make you grovel to him to get back into his good books when he is the one knows fine well he's committed an act of unambiguous rape. Trying to place you in a position where you think you are the one who's done wrong is a variation on the theme of gaslighting: manipulative and truly grim behaviour.

In response to your comment that When I asked me about it the morning, he just said sorry that he didn’t know who had started it, a PP responded It's very, very unlikely you started it, what with you being fast asleep.

He knows this. This is classic gaslighting, in view of which I concur with the comments above that confronting this devious rapist would be pointless. He knows exactly what he's done, will minimize or deny it, and you'll be left even more confused and probably feeling worse.

I'm sorry this happened to you and hope you can find some support. I too was raped by an intimate partner: at the time I was very young and naïve, unable to process precisely what had happened. To cap it all, it was my first sexual encounter and thought I was in love with him.

Took me all of two decades to recognize it was rape.

for you.

Thank you for explaining it better. This is exactly what I meant.

Please don't contact him OP, it will mess with your head even more. Erase him from your life, get support from Rape crisis or SARC sexual assault referral centre and cut him out of your life completely.

Whether you choose to report it or not, that's something for you to decide and discuss with the center you seek support from.

He's more than likely being arsey as he's not had the response he was expecting. He may have don't this to others before and pretty sure it won't be the last time.

Take care. Little steps at a time, but start by blocking his number xx

I think it's pretty fucking clear that in the OP's case the person who 'started it' was the person who grabbed his partner, physically turned her over into his position of choice and then penetrated her. He wasn't asleep and he didn't just touch her in the night. He turned her over and forced himself on her.

Thank you this is exactly what I meant.

I already quoted this post but it never posted my response for some reason?

If that poster is happy with similar situations, there's absolutely no need to bring it up on this thread. It was insensitive and minimising OP's situation.
It doesn't matter if he intended to be malicious or not, this is exactly why so many rape cases are dropped. An adult show know that unconscious = unable to consent, therefore sex with said unconscious person = rape. OP didn't previously consent, she is clearly very shaken by what happened. It isn't considered rape, it IS rape.

More for OP.

You said that you're struggling not to call him. This is also normal and don't beat yourself up about it. It takes time to work yourself loose from any relationship, and perhaps especially an unhealthy one in which your partner has violated your boundaries. It's the nature of that kind of relationship that it drains your energy, erodes your boundaries, and steals your self-esteem, and that makes it extra hard to walk away.

You may be feeling like everything is upside down as before last night you thought you could trust him to love and respect you. It's going to take time for it to sink in that that's not true. But don't waste time thinking you've been stupid or anything, many of us have been in your shoes and been taken in by a partner who turned out to be unhealthy for us. The important thing is reaching out for support.