Sex while asleep

[Rachellilllian]

I woke up a night ago as my partner turned me over and started having sex with me, I was fast asleep when he started. They was no hug or fondle just straight in. 18 months together and he has never done this before, but I feel uncomfortable. When I asked me about it the morning, he just said sorry that he didn’t know who had started it.

Because he knows what he is.

I’m going against the grain here as the same has happened with me and my husband of 14 years and neither of us knew who started it! He often touches me in the night and hasn’t done it intentionally as he was asleep! You must know if you trust this person to be telling the truth or not.

Because he knows what he is - a rapist. I'm sorry that happened to you, please leave this horrible man.

It doesn't matter whether you said no

Your partner raped you in your sleep

For the love of god leave this creature and consider making a report to the police

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

But you were raped. Go to the police.

Do you have any support?

OP, leave him.

We're taught to think that rapists are strangers and monsters, not men we know and trust who exploit opportunities because they think they can get away with it. But that's what most of them are, and they use exactly this murky 'but he's nice to me sometimes' area to use women without giving them the respect we deserve as fully fledged people.

No one gets to do anything to your body without your consent. If they do, it's a violation.

Is there any chance that he was asleep? People have been known to do many strange and bizarre things for which they cannot be held responsible in a state of automatism: driving, raiding the fridge, murder...

If this was the reason, he will have a known past history of sleep activity (speaking from experience, here). If not, then I'm afraid that what others have said is true. And even if he were asleep, you would still need to assess how comfortable you are with that diagnosis, going forward.

This feels bad because it is. There is a difference between a middle of the night shag which still makes you both feel good when you're brushing your teeth in the morning, and what you are experiencing. I would suggest you need to get and stay away from him, you do not need to explain why. If you need to collect any things from his, please take someone that you trust with you.

I would seek out someone to unpack this with you, please find a therapist who specialises in sexual trauma that you can work with. I'm so sorry.

He has never done it before and no he does not do anything normally in his sleep that would make me think this. We had been out and both drinking and had sex before we went to sleep.

That's rape. You were asleep so you couldn't have "started it". He can sleep somewhere else.

It’s rape.

You were asleep so couldn’t consent. The same would apply if you were highly intoxicated. He physically had to move you to have sex with you. Again, you showed absolutely 0 signs of wanting to have sex, or initiating sex with him.

You will feel very emotionally fragile for a while now, it takes time for you to really comprehend what has happened. It’s obviously up to you whether you would want to go to the police about it, but from experience I know that this is sometimes too much of a big step. In my case, I couldn’t bring myself to.

Break up with him and please try and confide in a close friend or family member. You’ll need their support. I’d also highly recommend counselling as it would really benefit you to be able to unpick how you feel and work through it with a professional who can guide you through the process. I didn’t go for counselling but I hugely regret it now. It would have made such a difference to me, I think.

Be kind to yourself- this was not your fault. The fact he apologised shows he knows exactly what he’s done. If he genuinely didn’t think he had done anything wrong, why would he say sorry? He knows and he’s trying to downplay it. Don’t let him downplay what he did to you. He’s a scumbag.

Even if on the outside chance that he'd done it in his sleep and woke up half way through, his behaviour since isn't acceptable. Don't make excuses, there's no need for you to do that. Put yourself first, don't doubt your gut.

OP, something similar happened to me a few years ago. I was spending time with an ex I desperately wanted to get back with. We had been spooning (very sleepily and without intention of sex) and I fully fell asleep. He still proceed to initiate sex and subsequently to wake me up, I was half asleep and genuinely in a daze of confusion when we actually “had sex”.

it didn’t affect me at the time because I thought people who like each other can just have sex and that’s fine. i discussed it in therapy years later and explored why I was so unhappy about it:

1. sleep is your most vulnerable state. Sleeping next to someone you trust usually means you expect to feel safe
2. sex is based on enthusiastic mutual consent. Despite me loving my ex very much and wanting to be in a relationship with him, I didn’t consent to having sex. I wanted to sleep. I was in such a state of deep sleep that when I woke up I just “went into action” as it were - I.e., let him have sex with me. I just lay there. I didn’t scream or stop him.
3. There is a deep lack of respect for someone to initiate a sex act without the mutual consent being present. Even worse, it shows a gross entitlement to your body regardless of whatever you want.

Please do reach out to someone in real life OP.

Same with us. I did wake up with him touching me and initially wasn’t in the mood (having just been woken in the middle of the night) but next morning when I commented he said he was asleep for the first while and was totally confused about where we were and not aware himself. I think he was a bit shocked himself.

You know this guy best. You should be able to tell him it’s upset you and feels wrong and for him to be sorry about it. I’m not sure how you can both avoid it in future but at the very least you should agree that you can instantly wake him and put a stop to it rather than be left trying to figure out what’s going on.

There’s a difference between touching your partner in the night and turning your partner over, and without foreplay or anything to suggest any indication of sex, to then penetrate them.

He's a rapist. Leave his ass and report him to the police if you feel able to. You may have a sexual health clinic or sexual assault clinic near you which might be helpful for a check-up and to make sure any evidence is collected to help with the case if you choose to report him.

I'm so sorry this has happened. Look after yourself and believe in yourself. You can and will survive this.

I think any of the posters who are commenting along the lines of '...but my DP did it and I liked it, we do it, etc" should acknowledge that this is NOT the OP's situation.

The OP was raped by her DP. I'm extremely uncomfortable about some of the posts that attempt to grey area this and introduce an element of ambiguity. There is no such ambiguity here. Can those posters think twice about posting "oh well, I love it" on a thread about the OP being sexually assaulted in her sleep?

Yep, fucking rapist. Stay away from him - he will do it again.

@Mojitoo completely agree. One poster even quoted the original post which didn't match the experience AT ALL.

You're crying and upset. That enough to tell you how wrong this is. You're trying to rationalise it and make it acceptable but it's not

You can't consent to sex while you are asleep. He raped you. You don't have to say no. People can have a fight, flight or freeze response.

Should I confront him? I literally feel frozen

you need to end it

confronting him will either end in him trying to fib his way out of it or getting angry

Please read this:

www.theguardian.com/society/2021/jun/15/the-sexual-assault-of-sleeping-women-the-hidden-horrifying-crisis-in-britains-bedrooms