Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Sex while asleep

319 replies

Rachellilllian · 26/09/2022 13:56

I woke up a night ago as my partner turned me over and started having sex with me, I was fast asleep when he started. They was no hug or fondle just straight in. 18 months together and he has never done this before, but I feel uncomfortable. When I asked me about it the morning, he just said sorry that he didn’t know who had started it.

OP posts:
DontBlameMe79 · 26/09/2022 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

candycaneframe · 26/09/2022 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You might not class it as rape

That doesn't change the fact it is rape

You're entitled to your own opinion, but not your own facts

Naunet · 26/09/2022 15:13

DontBlameMe79 · 26/09/2022 15:06

Well if he was asleep he couldn’t consent either. So what then?

Are you fucking joking?! He turned her over. Stop making excuses for rapists.

BirdyWoof · 26/09/2022 15:13

DontBlameMe79 · 26/09/2022 15:06

Well if he was asleep he couldn’t consent either. So what then?

Have you always been such a rape sympathiser?

He clearly doesn’t sleepwalk or such, I think after being in a relationship for 18 months OP would have noticed once by now.

He was aware the next day because he was acting weird and shifty.

He’s a shitty male. OP is the victim.

Are you just being purposely dim at this point?

OldFan · 26/09/2022 15:14

Gah my post vanished.

He isn't claiming sexsomnia, he's admitted that he was awake. He might change his story now but it would be to cover his arse.

Tuilpmouse · 26/09/2022 15:14

There’s a difference between touching your partner in the night and turning your partner over, and without foreplay or anything to suggest any indication of sex, to then penetrate them.

This.... there's a massive difference between touching with the hope of it escalating into sex, and actual penetration of someone whilst sleeping. And quite apart from being asleep and unconscious, penetrating someone without any "warming up" is violating and surely painful unless your man is very small!

Naunet · 26/09/2022 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

These people are making me feel sick, god knows how they’re making OP feel.
Does Mumsnet delete rape apologists?

SpotlessMind88 · 26/09/2022 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

@pumpkinsboo no we haven't all done that. Don't tar us all with the same brush.
if i want to know if my partner is awake i'll ask "are you awake?" And if he answers yes then i know he is awake. If he doesn't answer then i know he is asleep. I don't need to fondle or blow him to get him to wake up. I enjoy having sex with a consenting and conscious adult.

OutWalkin · 26/09/2022 15:17

I have never woken up my partner by penetrating him, no. I doubt @pumpkinsboo has either.

Calandor · 26/09/2022 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

That's nice for you. Legally it is rape. So it's not really about if you'd be ok with it... OP isn't feeling good about it and by the definition of rape (penetration of a non consenting person with your penis) he raped her.

BirdyWoof · 26/09/2022 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You’re being incredibly naive if you think any of what you have just said has any relevance to this thread.

You’re assuming that your boyfriend would be trying to wake you up to have sex rather than trying to have sex without waking you up.

You have no idea how you’d react if someone was forcing themselves on you.

There’s a big difference between hinting at sex while waking someone up and literally just having sex with them regardless if if they are awake or are up for it.

And you know, the obvious fact that this was not “some fun” to the OP.

Don’t talk about things you know nothing about.

pumpkinsboo · 26/09/2022 15:18

@candycaneframe

Fair enough, but all I'm saying is people have different relationships and in their relationship they might feel like this would be okay... if my bf did this it's not because he wants to rape me...

My point is most people wouldn't think it's rape if a women wakes a man up with a blowjob do they? And I'm pretty sure most of us have done that at some point.

Mojitoo · 26/09/2022 15:19

Another nutty post - I can consent ahead of time if I want to. You trying to take away my agency is ridiculous and controlling. Also dogmatic, prudish, silly. And probably a wind up

MN deleted your earlier post. I'm glad admin are alert to you and others on this thread.

Rape apologists and those who seek to spout ambiguity, doubt, grey areas, etc. will be called out. Loudly and repeatedly.

Dancingjane · 26/09/2022 15:19

Rachellilllian · 26/09/2022 15:08

Thank you everyone for your time to reply. I will speak to crisis and see if they can help me, I just feel so conflicted but him saying sorry and acting cold says it all doesn't it.

Yes it does. Seek support irl and talk to family and friends. Another thing you could do when you are feeling ready, is report it to the police. I bet thats not the first time hes done that to someone and it won’t be the last.0

CousinKrispy · 26/09/2022 15:19

it would be more appropriate for those who want to brag about how it's part of their sex lives to start their own separate discussion, rather than tastelessly coming onto a thread in which the OP is clearly very upset by an experience she did not consent to or enjoy, as that's not the same as your own situation. That's not censorship, it's having basic fucking decency.

OP and other PP who have experienced this, please contact Rape Crisis rapecrisis.org.uk/ for specialist support. Big hugs, I hope you get the support you need.

Mojitoo · 26/09/2022 15:20

it would be more appropriate for those who want to brag about how it's part of their sex lives to start their own separate discussion, rather than tastelessly coming onto a thread in which the OP is clearly very upset by an experience she did not consent to or enjoy, as that's not the same as your own situation. That's not censorship, it's having basic fucking decency

Agree completely.

SpinningFloppa · 26/09/2022 15:21

My ex use to do this, it honestly never occurred to me it was considered rape till I read it on here... we never spoke about it but for me I dont feel like it was personally

pumpkinsboo · 26/09/2022 15:21

Can I just point out, if op isn't happy for her boyfriend to do this and has told him and communicated with him about it and he has still contained to force and ignore her then obv this is not okay!

I'm just pointing out that people have different
boundaries and relationships than just jumping to tell someone to go to the police that's all I'm saying.

weemouse · 26/09/2022 15:21

The old "tea analogy" covers it perfectly - see the bottom bit for consent when unconscious

You say: “Hey, would you like a cup of tea?”
If they say, “Yes, I would love a cup of tea! Thank you!” then you know they want a cup of tea.

If you say “Hey, would you like a cup of tea?” and they hem and haw and say, “I’m not really sure,” then you can make them a cup of tea or not, but be aware that they might not drink it.
If they don’t drink it—and this is the important bit—then don’t make them drink it.
You can’t blame them for the fact that you went to the effort of making tea, on the off-chance they wanted it. You just have to deal with them not drinking it; you making tea doesn’t mean that you are entitled to watch them drink it.

And if they say, “No thank you,” then don’t make them tea. At all. Don’t make them tea; don’t make them drink tea; don’t get annoyed at them for not wanting tea. They just don’t want tea, ok?

They might say, “Yes please, that’s kind of you.” And then when the tea arrives, they might not want the tea at all. Sure, that’s annoying, as you’ve already made the tea, but they remain under no obligation to drink the tea. They did want tea, now they don’t. Sometimes people change their mind in the time it takes to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk. And it’s ok for people to change their mind. You are still not entitled to watch them drink it.

If they are unconscious, don’t make them tea. Unconscious people don’t want tea and can’t answer the question, “Do you want tea?” because they are unconscious.
They may have been conscious when you asked them if they wanted tea, and they said yes. But in the time it took you to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk, they are now unconscious. You should just put the tea down, make sure the unconscious person is safe, and—this is the important bit—don’t make them drink the tea. They said yes then, sure, but unconscious people don’t want tea.
If someone said yes to tea, started drinking it, and then passed out before finishing it, don’t keep pouring it down their throat. Take the tea away and make sure they are safe.
Because unconscious people don’t want tea. Trust me on this.

If someone said “yes” to tea around your house last Saturday, that doesn’t mean that they want you to make them tea all the time. They don’t want you to come around unexpectedly to their place and make them tea and force them to drink it, while you say “But you wanted tea last week!” They don’t want to wake up to find you pouring tea down their throat, saying “But you wanted tea last night!”

JockTamsonsBairns · 26/09/2022 15:22

Mojitoo · 26/09/2022 14:30

I think any of the posters who are commenting along the lines of '...but my DP did it and I liked it, we do it, etc" should acknowledge that this is NOT the OP's situation.

The OP was raped by her DP. I'm extremely uncomfortable about some of the posts that attempt to grey area this and introduce an element of ambiguity. There is no such ambiguity here. Can those posters think twice about posting "oh well, I love it" on a thread about the OP being sexually assaulted in her sleep?

I absolutely agree with this fully. Nobody should be responding to this with any sort of "oh but I quite like when this happens" - because it minimises the gravity of what's happening here, and effectively silences the Op in drawing up her own boundaries as to what she wants to happen to her own body.

When DH and I started out in an exclusive relationship, we talked about 'sleep sex' and I told him it was something I enjoyed - and gave explicit consent for it to happen. He would never have dreamed of doing it without that agreed consent in place.

This is completely different to the Op's situation. Consent has not been given, and therefore it's rape.

Op, I hope you can give yourself some space to really consider what has happened here. This isn't about him apologising. He has helped himself to your body in an intimate way while you slept - the most vulnerable state you can be in.
I really hope you're ok, and have a rl close friend who you can talk this through with.

LovinglifeAF · 26/09/2022 15:22

That’s fucking disgusting I’m so sorry.

he’s a rapist. Please leave him.

BirdyWoof · 26/09/2022 15:22

pumpkinsboo · 26/09/2022 15:18

@candycaneframe

Fair enough, but all I'm saying is people have different relationships and in their relationship they might feel like this would be okay... if my bf did this it's not because he wants to rape me...

My point is most people wouldn't think it's rape if a women wakes a man up with a blowjob do they? And I'm pretty sure most of us have done that at some point.

Can you stop wittering on? You’re embarrassing yourself at this point.

If OP had consented in the past to this sort of behaviour, do you think she’d be posting right now?

The fact your boyfriend is doing this often is weird and creepy in my opinion. Does he like having sex with someone who’s basically unconscious to sleep? But if you’re ok with it then that’s what it is.

No, I haven’t. It’s fucking weird and I prefer my men awake and involved in sexual acts rather than asleep and lying in bed like a snoring corpse.

SpinningFloppa · 26/09/2022 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I agree with this

LovinglifeAF · 26/09/2022 15:23

And who THE FUCK has voted YABU?!

Naunet · 26/09/2022 15:24

SpinningFloppa · 26/09/2022 15:21

My ex use to do this, it honestly never occurred to me it was considered rape till I read it on here... we never spoke about it but for me I dont feel like it was personally

Because men have a right to penetrate their partners body whenever they want? Either you think they do, or you think they don’t, it’s as simple as that.