Sex while asleep

[Rachellilllian]

I woke up a night ago as my partner turned me over and started having sex with me, I was fast asleep when he started. They was no hug or fondle just straight in. 18 months together and he has never done this before, but I feel uncomfortable. When I asked me about it the morning, he just said sorry that he didn’t know who had started it.

Why is he acting cold? Is it because of your reaction? Or is he just acting cold that you didn't react? just trying to make sense of the coldness towards you after this happened.

Sexomnia disorder is a really thing. Might be worth doing some reading.
It is also possible that he just decided to take advantageof you.

I'm so sorry OP. I wouldn't confront him as such. I would end the relationship immediately, sort out what needs sorting out and - if you want - tell him why that's happening.

His cold attitude the following day is another massive red flag.

Decent men will never find themselves in this situation. It's not accidental. It might not be the first time. I'm so sorry.

It is rape.

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/husband-had-sex-asleep-didnt-realise-rape/

This.

Its not a grey area at all. Its black and white.

You either consent and its consensual. Or you don't consent and its assault / rape.

It is rape. I’m so, so sorry.

Call the police, and break up with him. He’s a rapist. And he’ll do it again.

Don’t blame yourself at all for not saying no, you were asleep, and in shock. Survival instinct kicks in at such a time; many women freeze, because it’s safer to do so.

@DontBlameMe79 she's not trying to "cancel" you. There's no grey area here. You can have a different opinion, but everyone else is entitled to tell you that your opinion is factually incorrect. Unconscious people cannot consent to sex. Even if the boyfriend was asleep himself and was not consciously aware of what he was doing (a v v unlikely scenario) then that doesn't change the fact that the OP didn't and couldn't consent.

Why confront him? What is he going to do, say "sorry I raped you" ? Gaslight you into believing you somehow consented? Get angry and call you names, maybe assault you?

Kick him to the kerb OP he's been lying to you about who he is for the last 18 months. You accept this it will be for the rest of your time with him and maybe even worse.

You were lied to, lucky for you you found out now before moving in and having kids with him. RUN.

Sorry to hear this OP, I agree that it was rape. Unless a couple have discussed this previously ie I find it a turn on when you do x when I'm asleep, then there's no grey area at all; the onus isn't on you to say no when you're asleep.

I'm so sorry OP that you are going through this.
Certainly opinions will run high on this one - and honestly I'm not sure MN is the right place for you to get advice on this one.

I think you definitely need some time to process what happened before you decide what to do / what to say to your partner.

Try to contact a rape counselling service - you're much more likely to get good advice from there rather than randoms on MN. I'm sure a quick Google will help you find one you can call for free.

Good Luck

Feeling frozen is a normal response to trauma. You don't need to decide anything right away as you don’t live with him. Why dont you just tell him you are not feeling well and cancel any plans you might have to see him.

Then phone a rape crisis helpline and talk to someone. You can give a fake name if you like, even though its all confidential.

Oh ffs. It's not about YOU or 'canceling POVs.'

And the OP did NOT ask for different perspectives. Stop derailing. The OP's thread is important and she does NOT deserve that bullshit.

Jesus.

Its not remotely a grey area, don’t make excuses for rapey men. It’s nothing like your situation, you’ve already consented.

If he had a disorder, then he would know he has a disorder and it’s his responsibility to sleep on his own at night so that he doesn’t rape anyone.

Are some posters really trying to say this man didn’t know what he was doing?! He physically had to turn her over to have sex with her while she was sound asleep! Come on!

OP, the way you feel now is enough to know that you weren’t ok with what happened. And the way he is acting now is shocking. Someone sincerely apologetic would explain themself and show remorse for what they had done. He believes he has a right to your body, whenever he wants regardless of whether you consent or not. Personally I’d be telling him what a piece of shit he is and running for the hills.

Op he knows what he did was wrong and he is trying to brush it under the carpet he could have tried this before and got away with it maybe not with you but maybe someone else. Please report him.
Massive hugs for you.

No, she has not ‘already consented’ for goodness sake. She is asleep, she cannot consent. Consent is an ongoing process, not a one stop. Does your boyfriend know that what he is legally doing is raping you DontBlameMe?

to the OP, I am sorry this has happened to you. It happened to me too. The person who did it said he thought I was awake (?! I had my back to him so how exactly?!). I got good counselling from our local rape crisis centre but it took me years to find the words to explain why I needed counselling.

It isn't a matter of 'opinion' or 'perspective' and what you 'think' has jack shit value except to the inside of your head.

Liking and wanting sex with unconscious women is a fetish. Some men are really into it and there will be women reading this having lightbulb moments.

Men with this fetish do not want sex with a conscious, enthusiastic partner. Some women presumably agree to this and it is fine, if both partners agree to engage in it in advance.

Otherwise it is simply and legally rape as there is no consent.

Unless you've agreed to presumed consent, then it is wrong. If he had have been devastated and doing a groveling apology, then it might have been possible to talk through how it was wrong and can't happen again. But he isn't doing that. I think that this is just going to be the first of him disrespecting and abusing you.

Agree

I think you’ve misunderstood my post. It was commenting on someone else who had this agreement with their partner already in place.

Many years ago I was dating a really nasty piece of work. I turned him down for sex but woke up with him doing it anyway. I too didn't stop him. I don't know why, possibly because I didn't have time to react or to process it all. It really messed me up. Big time. I thankfully finally left him, but unfortunately not until things got much worse. I broke down over a decade later because a plot on a TV show triggered me and it all came flooding back.
Please don't blame yourself because you didn't stop him. Honestly, you wouldn't be feeling this way if you didn't think what he did was wrong. Be kind to yourself and if you're feeling strong enough leave him. Also consider reporting him. He could have done this before

I think it's up to you. Do you want to continue the relationship? What do you think you'll gain from confronting him? Do you feel you want or need to confront him? (You don't need to reply just have a think. I really think you would benefit from talking to someone who can really support you and help you process this.)

Please please end the relationship. This is not a man who respects you (or any woman). He will not be a kind supportive long term partner, he will not be an honest and equal father. What would you say to your mother/sister/daughter If this happened to them. Please don’t let this be your life. You deserve much much more

OP don’t listen to all these comments explaining away his behaviour. I’m sure you’d realise if he had a sleep disorder before 18 months into the relationship.

I wouldn’t confront him either, he will likely gaslight you out of shame or fear. Please do listen to the comments confirming to you what you already feel - that this was wrong.