Sex while asleep

[Rachellilllian]

I woke up a night ago as my partner turned me over and started having sex with me, I was fast asleep when he started. They was no hug or fondle just straight in. 18 months together and he has never done this before, but I feel uncomfortable. When I asked me about it the morning, he just said sorry that he didn’t know who had started it.

And if someone has it, it is their job to lock themselves away at night to stop themselves from raping anyone, not the job of any women in the house to make allowances for him that he may rape them.

Absolutely this.
He raped you. Leave him now before he does anything else.

You don't have to say no for it to be rape OP.

The definition is that you didn't say yes! You did not say yes because you were asleep. That means you were unable to consent.

That means that he raped you.

I think you’ve got mixed up here @Ameadowwalk. That poster was referring to someone other than the OP.

EVERY TIME this comes up on Mumsnet, some idiotic fucker whose partner is doing this to her and who cannot face the fact that she is with a man whose sexual preference is screwing unconscious bodies, tries to defend what is a straightforward act of rape.

Why do women do this to other women? FFS. Have a look on some of the darker sides of reddit - such men boast about 'gimp' sex. About having 'gimp' sex with their partners. About getting their partners drunk enough so they can rape them while they are unconscious.

It's not a grey area it's 100% rape. The fact that you have given open consent to sex while you are asleep does not mean OP was not raped.

I feel uncomfortable

That's because he raped you.

It's not just that you didn't say no - consent has to be 'enthusiastic', not coerced and not assumed. Having sex previously doesn't mean you agree to sex again. Consent is required every time.

I'm a lot older than you. Laws and expectations were very different forty to fifty years ago. We put up with such shit. You don't have to.

Finish the relationship. You don't have to confront him with what he did (to be fair, you did that already) and you don't have to report to the police if you don't want. Convictions for reported rapes in the UK stand at 1.6% (I read that this weekend, not sure where) so the only point in reporting is that it might support some other woman's case and get her taken seriously when he does it again. 'Reported' rapes - probably nowhere near the number of actual rapes. Basically, the UK is a free-for-all for rapists.

So. From now on your life is about you, not him. Finish the relationship, by text. Block him. There used to be Rape Crisis Centres and Rape Crisis lines - don't know if those exist now. If not, see your GP (and don't accept any bullshit from medics who suggest he might just have made a mistake) and tell them you need urgent counselling. It's not unreasonable to want to talk to a stranger rather than family or friends.

I wish you well. So do all of us who have been raped by someone we were in a relationship with. It's demeaning, humiliating, depersonalizing. You are worth something, worthy of respect and love. It might take a while to feel that again, but you're on the right path.

Rape.
I've had it done to me by a partner.
It only stands a chance of not being rape if the couple have discussed it and agreed they're both ok with it beforehand.
Without that discussion and agreement, it's rape because you can't consent while asleep.

When I asked me about it the morning, he just said sorry that he didn’t know who had started it.

It's very, very unlikely you started it, what with you being fast asleep.

She’s 100% right, nothing pompous or self righteous about it.

There is no need for other views other than the fact it was rape, which is exactly what it was. Rape victims spent days, weeks, months and years doubting themselves. The feelings guilt and shame take over, even though there is nothing to feel guilty or shameful about. OP did absolutely nothing wrong. She wasn’t “asking” for it- she was asleep beside someone she’s been in a relationship with for a year and a half. He physically moved her and forced himself on her. She had no opportunity to consent. She had not had a discussion beforehand giving consent to this act.

Anyone posting about how much they love it are just attention seeking. No one gives a fuck if you like “waking up to him inside” you, it’s a fucking thread about someone who has went through a horrible sexual assault. No one wants to know that, no one cares. It’s such bad taste to post that, anyway.

Oh he's done it before you just havent woken up!! He is grim.

This is a situation that solely depends on your own boundaries.

My husband does this occasionally and I find it really spontaneous and fun. I have told him in the past that I’m good with it. He would stop if I batted him off or told him to bugger off so I just see it as him being turned on the night.

However, I am completely comfortable with my husband doing this, I would not have been with my ex before I met my husband.

you are not wrong to feel the way you do, it is something you are uncomfortable with and crosses your boundary. You need to have a think if you can move past this.

Oh Jesus Christ, that’s horrific. And Reddit allows that??

Great post.

Only one thing to add- some workplaces offer counselling and such through their occupational health department. It might be worth having a look through your benefits package if you’re in work and see if they offer something similar. I work for a large chain and we have access to x amount of sessions at no cost.

In principle that sounds fine. But the bloke in the US who killed his parents-in-law in his sleep hadn't ever committed murder before. One can suffer disturbed sleep behaviour without it always being violent, or ever being predicable. One might think that it's stopped, having not been active for some years, only for it to be brought on again by stress. It's a tenuous defence - and difficult to prove - but it does happen. But if it were relevant in this case, the OP would probably have some awareness of it, even if it hadn't happened in the 18 months they've been together. The whole incident is horrifying and I have the greatest sympathy for her.

OP

Please don't confront him until you have spoken to a specialist rape counsellor or the police. He could turn violent if you confront him alone. This is the link for the national rape support in England and Wales. Ignore those who are saying its a grey area. The law says your situation is not.

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/

Op this is just horrible. It is rape. Please tell someone irl and get some support. Get this man out of your life immediately.

I can't even begin to imagine my husband doing this. It simply would never happen. In any situation. It's horrific. You do deserve much better and now is the time to not bury the feelings you have that are telling you it's wrong, act on them and leave him. Get someone you trust irl to help you with any practicalities. Best of luck

Well if he was asleep he couldn’t consent either. So what then?

Thank you everyone for your time to reply. I will speak to crisis and see if they can help me, I just feel so conflicted but him saying sorry and acting cold says it all doesn't it.

Mummydoingmybest

I think you are being naive, he often touches you in the night but said he didn't know who started having sex?

Op, I'm so sorry, you have been raped.
Please don't see him again, he will minimise and make excuses, as others on this thread are doing.

💐

The most important thing to bear in mind is that you didn’t say yes.
I hope you have got support in RL.

That's a good plan OP, I hope they are able to help

pumpkinsboo

This is not the thread for saying how much you like it.
The OP feels upset and uncomfortable, she didn't consent.