He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

How long is a reasonable time to be with someone before moving in together though. We’ve been together 2 years I’m 38 and he’s 43 does this sound reasonable or aibu x

yeah sure you do. You posted this last month!

And another thread about your 11 month old back in May!

Take it you didn’t know about the search function 😂

@SudocremOnEverything thank you x

@torndawn it seems you have made a decision so good luck. Hopefully he will understand and wait a few years until you and your young children are totally ready. If not then at least you will know he wasn't a good 'un at all.

I’ve seen women come on here and say oh he’s backtracking blah blah what should I do?!

she’s gets told to give ultimatums/she gets told he doesn’t love her/he’s stringing her along blah blah

to all intents and purposes this guy seems fine. He’s being judged for doing nothing wrong - the OP TOLD HIM THAT SHE WANTED to MOVE in TOGETHER now she has changed her mind (yes that’s allowed) all of a sudden he’s a terrible guy because he didn’t nod in agreement when she was getting cold feet!! It’s not like he was abusive or manipulative- he responded appropriately- he was upset and he made it know?!

that is ok?!

money grabber, gold digger blah blah

if it’s the real deal I’m sure you can both come to a different agreement on what the future should look like

Op said one day, she would want to move in. She didn’t out a time on it.

She isn’t ready. He is putting pressure on due to finances, his own. And threatened to dump her because she isn’t ready.

Please Do find one thread where the Ops boyfriend is saying after only a short period ‘I am not ready to blend families to improve your finances. I don’t think it’s the right time for me or my kids’ where the Op has been told that he is stringing her along and she should issue an ultimatum.

Just one thread. I am betting it’s never happened.

so they lived with their mum @torndawn until she got a new partner who was awful to them so they went to live with their Dad they barely knew because he was in the Navy and his solution is to leave them at 9:30 and then wants to move them into a house of a new partner even he doesnt know beyond the honeymoon stage and expects it to all be ok.

Even though they would also have to share their space with much younger children

Absolutely. Even the 16yo could be married! Sometimes I wonder if some of the MN servers reside in a parallel universe where it takes 1.5 of our Earth years to equal one of theirs.
A 16yo without special needs should be just fine with their dad having a few evenings out a week. What if he worked shifts or nights, say?

I'll tell you what OP - he saw you coming.

So are you saying that if a Op posted the her 16 year old had got married you would think it was great decision.

Can and should are 2 different things.

Clearly the man agrees the 16 year old should have parent round alot as it turns out he isn’t with the op when the 16 year old is at home he just goes to op to sleep.

Even the 16yo could be married!

Only if they get a move on. It’ll be illegal from next February.

Not in Scotland. 16 year olds can get married without parents' consent.

A 16yo without special needs should be just fine with their dad having a few evenings out a week. What if he worked shifts or nights, say?

He doesn’t work shifts though, there’s no necessity here - he’s choosing to ditch her 5 nights a week every other week. He’s been away in the navy most of her life, she’s been put second by her mother and now she’s second to her fathers new partner. In an exam year.

If the OP doesn’t see that as warning bells as to how poorly he’ll treat her children then that will be a lot of kids needing therapy in years to come.

I agree. I actually think a household of a 16 year old and a 19 year old on their own , absent special needs, is fine in a situation like work shifts- even something like oil rig 2 on/2 off shifts. There's still a family unit there, working as a family unit.

It's the running off for a quick shag scenario that doesn't sit well with me.

@torndawn Some people have deeply committed long term relationships whilst maintaining separate households. I saved this thread earlier this year, but there are others, so it's worth searching Mumsnet and online generally. 'Living together apart' & 'living apart together' are common descriptions.

It has worked for me in the past. I wrote about grief here recently, about sitting vigil with the body of my great love. I don't think anyone reading doubted the depth of relationship, its intimacy or domesticity. Yet we never lived together full-time in one home.

Perhaps something to explore if you are pondering what form of relationship truly works best for you (as opposed to what we are expected to do).

Shamefully, yes. I imagine the law will change in the next few years. NI will change their law to come in line with England and Wales once there is a functioning executive in place.

@torndawn ...You say he was in the Navy and I wondered if he has left it behind or still has the mindset of being as he was while there...
Not explaining it well am I...
but I've a few friends who unfortunately divorced their Army/Navy DH's due to them being very regimentive once they'd left/were on leave, as in coming home and interfering as to how things should be done and even expecting their young children to be seen and not heard while he was home.
No matter how hard my friends tried to get their DH's to leave the Army/Navy life behind it was ingrained and they just couldn't live with such strict 'it's done this way only' lifestyles.

The point isn’t about the OPs partner leaving his kids at home alone. I agree 19 year olds are full blown adults and can live alone, go to Uni etc etc.When I was 17 I joined the forces and had to grow up straight that away.
Even 16 year olds aren’t small children, let’s remember we have 16 years old who can get married and join the army.

The issue is ex Navy man wants to move his three young adult children into the OPs home. Both of OPs children are under 11. The couple have only been together 18 months. One of ex Navy’s man’s children has autism- so potentially will need parental care for the rest of his life.

Thats merging two separate families together. Three young adults/ teenagers wouldn’t want to move into their dads girlfriends home with her two young children, I’d suspect.

And two young children wouldn’t want their mums boyfriend to move in with three older teenagers/ young adults and disrupt their home life.

Well I thought I had read the ops responses thoroughly but clearly not.

I thought he had his own home? He had a trade and is working? So earning his own money and has his own home?

I read it as they are madly in love and wanted to spend as much time together as possible

op doesn’t want to move in together and he will accept that but he might need sometime to get his head around it.

so any man who wants to move in with the op would be after her for her money by these MN standards?

I guess you need a millionaire or thereabouts to settle the minds of the doubters.

@torndawn I think what you have at the moment sounds perfect.

You live very close to each other, close enought that he spends time with you and still be an active and involved parent to his teenagers (and could rush round there very quickly if they needed him) - I'm not sure you realise what a bonus that proximity is...

He spends a couple of nights with you, you spend a couple of nights there, and therefore (presumably) you also have 2 or 3 nights every week when it is just you and your dc. Do not underestimate how important that is for them - to have your undivided attention - and for you, to have the peace and space to be you, yourself, a mum.

Hi dc have had a lot of recent turbulence - going from the stability of life mostly with Mum (Dad at sea), to a difficult life with Mum and her new partner, to stability with their Dad (with you joining the happy throng a couple of days a week). I'd be doing what I could to preserve that stability for them. They've already faced the challenge of a new step-parent dynamic, please only change things for them again if you are 100% certain that the new arrangements would beenefit them. This is not about 'not wanting to live with his children' it is about both of you putting your wants aside a little, to give his children what might genuinely be in their best short/medium/long-term interests. At the moment they don't need the upheaval of moving house; they don't need you to be their step mum; they don't need the challenge of living with ''2 annyoing little brats'' (I'm sure your dc are delightful and everyone gets on wonderfully but a late teen WILL, at times, pereive an 8 year old as a brat).

It seems that the only person a blended household would benefit is your dp - it means he would not have to make the difficult decisions about being away from you or away from his dc. Well tough! He's the adult in this. He (and you) are the ones who should be responsible enough to recognise the positive reality of your current blended 2-property live vs the disney image of lets-all-live-happily-together.

I know you've seen that, and got it. Has he?

If he walks away from the realtionship because he can't accept your (all of you) current realities, then he was never going to make it work when things got tough.

I think creating blended families is a bit like making an omelette - some eggs ARE going to get broken. Those broken eggs should not be you, they should not be your dc, they most definately should not be his dc.

Good luck.

Thanks for your kindness and positivity, that's how I'm hoping to betray it to him....How lucky we are

He actually text me this tonight. I text telling him I loved and missed him before getting into bed, he's replied saying "I love you abit too much I think, need to grow up and recognise how lucky we are to have eachother"

I do think he'll understand, albeit disappointed but understanding

I hope

I hope he does understand.

I would be very reluctant to live with anyone else should something happen to DH. After 20+ years we know how to accommodate each other. The thought of sorting that with someone else and their teens 😳

So much compromise which just isn't needed if you maintain separate homes.

How does that amount of love bombing not give you the ick? Its so over the top and sounds a bit fake. Granted some people communicate in this way, like teenagers, but he's certainly found someone who will lap it up Many women wouldn't be comfortable with this, especially so soon.

He will just be all loving and nicey nicey to you before asking to move in again. I give it 3 weeks.

For goodness sake, in the interim, see a solicitor so you can have the implications and dangers of what you may (inevitably) enter into explained to you properly.

What does 'I love you a bit too much' mean?!

Indeed...