He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I do think he'll understand, albeit disappointed but understanding
Why? He's been agitating for this for months and months, what would make him understanding of a No this time?

It’s another version of he is giving 110%
It’s emotional blackmail. He is giving, loving ‘too much’ which puts the OP on the back foot of feeling she is giving, loving not enough.
Whereas the OP has given this man the great privilege of a place in her and her DC’s home when he visits, and instead of being just happy and getting on with it, it’s a big drama to try and get her to give more.
The other way of works is that if he says he loves OP too much, it’s a bit of a threat that he will start to love less if she doesn’t do what he says.
I would probably roll my eyes at that kind of melodramatic nonsense.

All this inability to be apart and texting about ‘loving too much’ seems a bit unhealthy, no? Or am I being boring?

@Ameadowwalk
Absolutely - it's such a manipulative thing to say.

Yuck. Emotional manipulation at its best.

But the op sees this as romantic.Probably a sign that it's meant to be.

Just to reiterate @torndawn nothing wrong with wanting a committed relationship. Everything wrong with threatening to split up if they don't get their way, ignoring your concerns and not seeing your family's best interests as important.

Your first line in your opening post should be what you come back to.

Texting someone that you miss them when you've only just seen them does sound horribly co-dependent.

Replying he 'loves you too much' is either manipulative as others have said OR he's attempting to acknowledge how unhealthy their interaction is/has been so far.

please tell me you see the emotional blackmail in that kind of language?

He hasn’t given in

Please be very careful. Statistically people who’ve been in abusive relationships are likely to end up in another.

He actually text me this tonight. I text telling him I loved and missed him before getting into bed, he's replied saying "I love you abit too much I think, need to grow up and recognise how lucky we are to have eachother"

Oh OP, this isn't the positive message you think it is in reality.

I get that you're romanticising this bloke as it sounds like you had a really tough relationship with your ex.

But he's working on the basis of bad behaviour and disrespecting boundaries being excusable with "it's because I love you too much". Can you see that?

It's such a dangerous dynamic emotionally especially for a survivor of an arsehole like your ex.

Please dial back a little and make it clear that moving in isn't a maybe 'in a couple of months' thing. That nothing will be changing quickly.

No man falls in love as quickly as one who wants a nice house to live in and / or childcare.

He doesn't sound like a fundamentally suitable partner.

What's his plans for his 16yo when the 19yo moves out next month? Did he think they were all coming to you as of next month? Guess you'll be seeing less of him now? Let's hope so, because that's the only way he can actually parent his remaining kids.

And why was your initial post all about 3 more kids if one of them isn't even moving in?

And yes, loving you "a bit too much" is pathetic talk. Likely designed to make you think he's going to do something about that.

Op I genuinely wish you all the luck in the world. You deserve some happiness.

People have raised and discuss their concerns to a great a length. People are concerned you are swept up thinking he is the Prince Charming that was destined for you and your happy ending after a shit time.

The problem most people have is that they have been where you are and been in your position or know someone who has. We have seen how these early red flags become huge problems. He loves you a bit too much, that when you say no he threatens to end the relationship. There’s the possibility he has calmed down and realised he is ridiculous. There’s also the chance that he calmed down and realised you haven’t fallen for that so trying a new tactic. Either way, his reaction on being told that you aren’t ready for something isn’t good. It IS manipulative. It’s not a good quality.

However, I can see where you head is and hope it all works out for you

Yes that will be in the chat when we have it. That's what started the chat on Friday night, he often says he feels torn between them and me in the evenings. He's reasoned to himself and his kids that "it won't be for long". So if it's not happening then he will need to step back significantly if the current arrangement isn't a short term one.

I said 3 teens because it will still be the eldest home on leave / Christmas / will need a permanent bedroom etc. Basic training only starts next month, contract only gets signed after that

Honestly I just took it as I love you too much because I struggle to be without you when we're apart.

Yes it is abit codependent of me to tell him I miss him. But it's true I miss him all the time he's not here. Was just I miss you and goodnight message but I get it. I will stop it, it does sound incredibly needy.

He's reasoned to himself and his kids that "it won't be for long".

What does he mean by that ? It sounds like he’s still rushing to live with you if I’ve read that right?…

So are his kids keen to move in with you? My teenagers would be horrified by the idea. I really feel for them too - mum shacked up with a horrible new bloke, now their dad has had them full time for 5 minute and he's trying to palm them off onto another woman.

And have you done the Freedom Programme? This guy is so manipulative and you just can't see it

This has definitely not been betrayed well by me.

The RN help with resettled and offer funding for new careers to aid resettlement. He's done all of this training and hit the ground running with his new trade. Like most tradesman he's in demand, he's on checkatrade and works every day

No fucking way

Sounds like he is (consciously or subconsciously) looking for a nice warmhearted woman who'll be happy to "support" (= be an unpaid carer to) his son with special needs who will perhaps never live independently.

Run for the hills, OP. This is not your responsibility. Protect your own children from this situation.

Missing him when he has only just gone doesn’t sound needy, it is needy, and I say this gently, but what is your life outside your children and this man? As a single parent with two DC, out of an abusive relationship, you are vulnerable. There is a big pressure to be in a ‘normal’ family and to meet someone for the happy ever after. The emotional manipulation my ex used was around ‘being a family’, except being a family was all on his terms. It was amazing the lengths he used to make the concept of ‘being a family’ go to reduce my available time for myself and my DC. I think your man is manipulative in some ways as well - he is using your DC (that he will have to live with them when they are teenagers) to justify what he wants to do now (move his in with you) even though a) they are different situations and b) you have not even agreed he can move in. He is telling his teenagers that the current situation won’t be for long even though again, nothing has been agreed. You don’t really have a voice here, he’s deciding things and with words, creating a reality which it will become hard for you to step back from.

I didn’t notice how long you were single from your kid’s dad before you met him. What did you do on the days they were with their dad? Do you get a chance to see your friends and family? In other words, do you have a good support network? You don’t need to answer these questions online, but I would think about pulling back from this relationship a bit - as you will have to because he needs to parent his younger teenagers - and spending time with friends and family, remembering what you like to do for yourself.

It’s really difficult, emotionally and practically, being a single parent, and lonely in some way as well, so none of this is a criticism. As others have said, it is reasonable and usual to want a partner! But sadly, you do need to exercise care and caution that the desire for a partner and ‘normality’ does not lead into a situation which is difficult for you and your DC.

if he is the right person for you, he will understand that this all needs time (and he needs to parent his DC rather than move them in for you to do that).

That was some great advice from venusandmars, OP, and focusing on the positives sounds good. Keep a sharp eye on the discussion with him and see if he's open to understanding those positives, or if it feels like he's trying to put you on the back foot. The latter would be very concerning.

You sound like a really lovely, caring person and I think your DC are lucky to have you. That kind of warm, caring nature can be taken advantage of by others if we don't have good boundaries. Would you be able to do some counseling to help you check in on your boundaries?

Imagine how great your future relationship (with this guy or someone else) will be when you can maintain those boundaries. It's not about biting your tongue and stopping yourself from texting "I miss you" to the person you just saw a little while ago. You could have the calm and confidence to not need to say it in the first place, because you can love and be loved without hanging on at all cost.

Great message from Ameadowwalk. I meant to ask, do you have real life family or friends you could talk all this over with?

You have children who go to bed and let you have an evening. He has children who will be up until all hours. Even if they go off to uni, they will come back in the holidays…with their boy/girlfriends! You will lose all of your solitude and your children will lose some of your attention.You stand to gain absolutely nothing. Don’t do it- I speak from experience!

Yeah, my would-be cocklodger said exactly the same.

He had to be physically ejected in the end. Seems that he didn't take his 'romantically' ending his rental contract to force me to have him move in (and be supported by me) being rejected with abject horror very well.

I suppose 'I just (sniff) luvs u to much (sniff)' (sic - and PUKE) contrasted rather starkly with 'if you ever come here or contact me again I am calling the police'.

Unlikely

on an anonymous chat forum the op is free to adjust facts and detail to fit how she wants to present the situation to favour her and her relationship. Whereas in RL she won’t have that luxury

This has definitely not been betrayed well by me.

I'm really sorry to do this because I really don't do SPAG policing, but to spare you any future embarrassment, maybe professionally, I feel I should point out that this is the second time that you've used betrayed instead of portrayed. Betrayed gives it a whole different and unfortunate meaning. It could be an autocorrect, but either way it's an error to watch for.

Again, sorry.