He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

He had to be physically ejected in the end. Seems that he didn't take his 'romantically' ending his rental contract to force me to have him move in (and be supported by me) being rejected with abject horror very well

Classic cocklodger behaviour. After finding some financially suitable partner they then manufacture some kind of "accommodation emergency" and then guilt trip the partner into letting tgem move in.

Hobosexuals do it the other way round. There's an accommodation emergency -eg. Landlord ends contract; job loss; partner kicks then out
They then find someone to fall in love with as fast as possible and move in with.

I think it's fine to say I miss you and that gooey lovey dovey stuff. Why would you be with someone where 18 months in you didn't want to be with them and missed them. That isn't codependent, that's the honeymoon stage. It's not fine to pressure you to let him and his dc move in but of course missing each other and feeling all giddy and romantic is normal in a new relationship.

OP you will know deep down whether it's for real or not. Listen to your instincts. If he accepts that you don't want to blend atm then there's no reason it can't continue albeit with a bit less time when the 16yr old will be by themselves.

Thanks for putting this sensitively - I was trying to think how to word it when I saw you had already managed it nicely 😊

OP, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with telling him that you’ve missed him. It’s really worrying that you’ve turned this on yourself.

”I love you too much” made my blood run cold. It’s the sort of thing that an abuser would say. Please be careful

Kindly meant OP, but can you not see how spectacularly presumptuous it is of him to be telling his children that its for a few months as they will just move into your home?

Spectacularly manipulative for him to threaten to step back when he doesn't get his way.

You and your children are being played.

He either gets what he wants because he loves too much🙄or he steps back.

Don't be manipulated by this.

You truly have no idea how much you will mourn the loss of your peaceful life.

You will be ending your childrens childhood and they really don't deserve it after what they have already endured with their father.

He’s told his kids it won’t be for long?

So basically he already decided, and has told his children, that they’ll be living with you, but hadn’t bothered to even try and have a serious conversation with you about timescales or - most importantly - finances…

The current arrangement should be the one that works for him, his children, you and your children. Not a ramped up opportunity to love bomb you into agreeing and hoping his kids don’t suffer too much in the mean time (if it’s not sustainable then he knows it’s not working for his children - yet he’s still doing it).

he often says he feels torn between them and me in the evenings.

He is not torn, he knows exactly what he wants.

You’re being manipulated OP.

Please do not let them move in. Your poor kids having their home invaded, taken over. No.

You are heading for trouble here OP. Personally I don’t think anyone should even consider moving in when there are younger children in the house and also until the honeymoon phase has worn off!

@mscampbell your right there is no benefit to them at all. Just less of me of my time, which I already have guilt about if works abit full on and I have t had chance to read or do spellings that night.

@ancientgran yes six do they would all have a personal space. But it’s irrelevant anyway now as it’s not happening.

@doingprettywellthanks it was 6 months. I also asked on here for advice on that and that was the given time. He started sleeping over whilst they were here in mid November.

@saraclara thank you, no need to apologise.

@dave20 thank you for your posts, they’ve been really informative having that male perspective

No matter how big your house, teens will fill the space. As you’ve found at his house, they are often loud and demanding and needy. Mine are often up while I’m going to bed. They monopolise the TV and the kitchen 😀.

With 3 teens around your home will change, it won’t feel like your’s anymore. Realistically, you and your partner are unlikely to be able to have cosy evenings together anyway.

It’s perfectly reasonable to not want 3, unrelated children you barely know, to live with you. It’s massively unreasonable of him to keep pushing it as a viable option. That’s where he seems dodgy to me; the disruption to your life will be huge, yet still he has been so insistent.

there mum has remarried an awful man who at first treated the children well until they had one of there own then they were almost being bullied

So their mum didn't put them first. He was an absent father and now he isn't putting them first. Those poor kids deserve much better than this.

And bear in mind if he's expecting his kids to put up with him leaving them overnight, what's he going to be like when your children are older?

Best advise I have ever heard Op is ..... Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You would become a bonfire! 🔥🔥🔥🔥

Interesting segment on itv now. Regarding controlling partner who became a stalker.

Op, please be aware that your children are likely to know of your infatuation. I know many children/young adults who speak of "losing" their parent to a new relationship.. Also if you end up blending there WILL be issues. I haven't heard of one family who haven't had issues. Some much worse, including bullying from older children or just levels of resentment. I think primary school aged children is a fantastic stage so for your own sake don't sacrifice time with your children for a man you don't know well enough.

Be cynical - take off rose tinted glasses. He has been an absent parent, gone through a divorce, leaves 3 children and prioritises his love life over parenting despite the children having gone through a really difficult time.

Are you both clinging to each other to avoid facing the pain of normal life?

So introduced after 6 months
Sleeping over after 8 months
wants to move in with his three adult children after 18 months

Bloody hell. Your kids are so young OP. Just give them stability and their own bloody hone FGS

Fair enough, for him moving in would make everything easy, though he doesn't seem to be being proactive about discussing his financial contribution.

For you and your DC, not so much

I love you abit too much I think,

in a word. Gross

@Hollyjack no response? 😂

I love you abit too much I think,*

aka wow, that would fix everything for me, with no consideration for the impact on you.

So true.

Primary aged children are such a sweet age.

Before the sometimes complications of secondary and teenage angst.

Those teens could find your primary age children very annoying and think they can boss them about in THEIR home.

You would need to be everywhere.

Also it is hard to quantify the noise, spread, sports gear laundry, taxiing, music, ps4 noise, and endless late night snacking that goes on with teens+.

We go to bed long before ours that could be in bed very late during holidays and weekends.

It can be relentless.

You really need to love them, and some!

The level of imposition you are suggesting is beyond enormous.

Honestly it reads as if with him being so absent and detach from them he is trying to escape his situation.

No decent parent would behave as he does and certainly wouldn't be trying to foist himself and his family on a woman he barely knows.

I second everything @billy1966 says - I have 2 teenagers and an almost teenager who I love with all my heart, but blooming heck do they test my patience. They're messy, dominate the whole house, eat all the food, are very loud, cost a fortune and stay up late!

If I didn't love them, I might actually murder them (just kidding but they are very trying at times & I miss the days when they used to go to bed before 7.30pm and me and my DH actually had an evening together where we could talk to each other & just spend time together just the 2 of us!).

You really should ask him some questions.
Like, how would you propose we split finances?
How about household tasks? How will you be splitting cleaning, cooking, ironing, food shopping and so on?
All those sorts of questions.

If he looks surprised the answer he's trying not to give is "I haven't even thought about it. I just assumed you'd do it"

I think you’ve got the message @torndawn but I just want to add something to what everyone is saying:

Do not underestimate how much your children will need you to be present and focused on them in the years coming up. Teenagehood has always been difficult and tumultuous but young people now, in the world as it is today with all its additional poisons and pressures, often find growing up very, very difficult. It’s easy to think that they need you less as they start to get older but it’s not true at all. Of course they become self-sufficient and independent in terms of survival and looking after themselves physically, but their emotional and psychological needs become paramount and extremely important. It will not work out well for them if you move him in. With or without his children.

Your children deserve their safe space. They will need that refuge as they enter the pre-teen and teen years.

OP you clearly don’t want your partner of his children to move in, hence your thread. Do you just want hundreds of people on here to convince you you’re right? Or just reassure you.

His kids haven’t seen much of him, he was in the Navy. I presume his ex wife parented the children whilst he was at sea, as I said before?
They split up. She gets with a horrible new man who’s kids bullied her children.

Now their dad wants to shack up with a newish girlfriend and her young children.

Likewise yourself. You had a bad previous relationship and now want to move another man in with three other adults.

Is anyone thinking of both sets of children?