He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I think he's being a dick tbf. He wants you do do all his wife work for his kids.

Yes @Dave20 I think I wanted reassurance that my gut instinct was correct. As I stated on that first post I wasn't too sure what I was asking other than advice.

If my post had been met with cries of you need to accommodate them if you want this to work, or come on your a grown woman you can do this or the likes.

Yes his ex wife did all the parenting, they have been divorced for 14yrs. He came home 3yrs ago following the concerns his children had with the situation at mums. Navy allowed and created him a job to work from home until his official retirement date which was earlier this year.

Yes it is abit codependent of me to tell him I miss him

Not at all @torndawn . Nothing abnormal about missing someone when you're apart- unless it's to a ridiculous extent.

I agree. Nothing at all wrong with missing someone you love/are in love with!

I probably told my now DH I missed him every single day when we lived apart for all those years, because I did. I was still a fully functional person without him, and perfectly happy in my own company (also just busy with looking after my children/working/studying), but I still missed him. He missed me too and we spoke every evening before going to sleep.

With his 'love you too much' and 'we need to grow up' nonsense it wouldn't surprise me if his next step is to suggest trying to have more time apart in order to scare you into acquiescing. As I said before, he's manipulating you.

I've been here, fell for the love-bombing and manipulation (numerous times) and suffered the consequences. It's so easy to see it from the outside but when you're in the thick of it it just feels so romantic and 'meant to be'.

I'm surprised you say that you asked on here about when your kids should meet him and that's how come you thought 6 months was ok - from every thread I've every read about this sort of thing, 6 months would be thought to be far too early by most.

In your position I'd be thinking why is he rushing you?

Yes his ex wife did all the parenting, they have been divorced for 14yrs. He came home 3yrs ago following the concerns his children had with the situation at mums. Navy allowed and created him a job to work from home until his official retirement date which was earlier this year.

so in the last three years his children have been through their step father turning on them, their mother (their primary carer for their whole lives) choosing her new family over them and the inevitable feeling of rejection that will bring, moving home, adjusting to living with a father who is normally away, possibly new schools/friendships etc, his nee partner and for the last year he’s been pushing forward with plans for them to move in with you and regularly leaving them for 5 nights at a time to be with you…

Please read this back OP and consider whether a good dad and unselfish, loving, caring man would do this.

I really think you need to at minimum take a step back and slow things down for the sake of all the kids involved and to safeguard yourself from being in another unhealthy, unhappy relationship.

I personally think this relationship is already unhealthy and that he isn't a suitable partner especially for someone with kids to consider as his boundaries and expectations are so off base, but I appreciate it's your call.

But as I say, please read this post from @JustLyra a few times and really ask yourself if he's a good and unselfish man and whether if the answer is no, he's the kind of man you want to be with.

So, he didn’t think of changing his job 14 years ago when he children were small and they separated? Just left their mum with three small children to bring up, including one with additional needs - no wonder she was vulnerable to some guy moving in on her.

Another big fat NO from me. He's a CF and a grifter

It's quite worrying OP that you don't seem to trust your own judgement, and are relying on others to tell you what is acceptable or not. Do you mean that if everyone on here had told you to go ahead you would have overridden your instinct and let him move in? Maybe I misunderstood what you are saying here, but that's how it comes across.

Added to that you mentioned upthread about 6 months being an adequate timeframe, because you asked on here and that was the response.
It's good that you are questioning things, but slightly worrying that you don't have confidence in your own gut instinct. No matter what anyone on here says, or what your partner says, you need to listen to your inner voice and give confidence to your own wants and needs.

Did you have any counselling after the end of your previous relationship? How much time did you have to decompress after that ended?

I agree OP, you do come across as quite vulnerable and easily taken in. Your boundaries seem quite poor because you are unable to question the love bombing and theres plenty of resources out there on the internet about this sort of behaviour, so you are making a conscious choice to overlook it. `

Some men look for women who don't object to this sort of behaviour and manipulate them by breaking down their already weak boundaries even further. He is just telling you what you want to hear and playing on your insecurities. All of that fake schmalzy OTT messaging doesn't mean he is a good guy. What you really need to look at it his behaviour - how he treats people, what his motivations are, etc.. Not place such importance on gooey text messages which take a few minutes of his time to write.

This is one of the more frustrating threads I have come across.

The OP seems…. To enjoy navel gazing

I disagree. The OP seems very vulnerable which I assume is based from having a very traumatic and abusive prior relationship. Do not underestimate how destroying it can be.

You find it frustrating, she finds it terrifying. You can always leave this thread if you can't be gentle with a survivor, this is her life.

To be honest I've found your posts quite provocative, I'm not sure what naval gazing is but honestly if you've nothing to add other than insults please just leave the thread.

To all the others thank you for saving mine and my childrens future mental health

OP please just ignore the shit stirring posts and focus on getting what advice you need from this thread, some people have been incredibly harsh.
None of us know your full circumstances or the whole story.

This is your subconscious calling.....

No. Nonononononononono. Don't do it, it will be a nightmare and you'll end up breaking up anyway.

I agree with @Farmageddon
There has been some nasty comments however you now know what the general consensus is and it is up to you to act on it. I will be hard and painful but you sound a decent woman. I think Dave20 has offered a man's perspective and that should really help.
I work with a charity and at tough times we say get your big girl pants on. This is the time TornDawn.

And honestly I know this sounds naive, but putting aside the loving in issue as that's been decided now.

But when meeting someone what's the difference between love bombing and just being really in love with someone?

I know you've all judged him and you have opened my eyes to many many things, but he met me at my weakest, about 4 months after my ExH. He really did pick me up off the floor and because of that it was very intense very quickly.

Yeah he could of seen me coming and homed in, or he could just be a really nice man who came along at the right time, he was at the beginning my only escape from a really traumatic reality,

I find it odd that people are questioning my need to ask for advice on Mumsnet about when I should introduce my new partner to my children or whether it's the right time to move in, thought that's what this space was for? Both these situations are brand new to my life and throughout the past 10 years ive used Mumsnet hundreds of times to ask opinions on when to wean, holiday destinations, cars, home schooling, divorce and now a new relationship.

Thanks again to everyone, it might be time to bow out now as I can see this thread is turning in the wrong direction

OP I think the most important post was from @JustLyra

in the last three years his children have been through their step father turning on them, their mother (their primary carer for their whole lives) choosing her new family over them and the inevitable feeling of rejection that will bring, moving home, adjusting to living with a father who is normally away, possibly new schools/friendships etc, his nee partner and for the last year he’s been pushing forward with plans for them to move in with you and regularly leaving them for 5 nights at a time to be with you…

So please, please read this back OP and consider whether a good dad and unselfish, loving, caring man would do this.

I really think you need to at minimum take a step back and slow things down for the sake of all the kids involved and to safeguard yourself from being in another unhealthy, unhappy relationship.

I personally think this relationship is already unhealthy and that he isn't a suitable partner especially for someone with kids to consider as his boundaries and expectations are so off base, but I appreciate it's your call.

But as I say, please read this post from @JustLyra a few times and really ask yourself if he's a good and unselfish man and whether if the answer is no, he's the kind of man you want to be with.

But when meeting someone what's the difference between love bombing and just being really in love with someone?
I know you've all judged him and you have opened my eyes to many many things, but he met me at my weakest, about 4 months after my ExH. He really did pick me up off the floor and because of that it was very intense very quickly.

Tbh the fact he let it get so intense very quickly despite the fact you were at your weakest and just out of an abusive relationship is one of the biggest red flags.

When you meet someone vulnerable you should be cautious and protective. Not behave in a way that makes them feel indebted to you or that they "need" you.

One of the biggest signs that it's love bombing - and this is only my opinion - is someone who wants to be with you all the time regardless of what that means. So he wants to be with you all the time - despite the fact his own children have been through a turbulent and traumatic time.

Being over the top - the subtle difference between "I love you" - entirely normal in a relationship - and "I love you too much" - an excessive statement that's placing your relationship on a higher status than any other, which brings natural pressure for you to behave and be the same.

@torndawn please ask those questions on a new thread as some posters won't read all your posts. However you really need some qood quality counselling as 4 months alone is not long

Just asking about lovebombing will fill a thread up quick 😅

Please please don't feel you need to leave the thread.

But I urge you to do the Freedom Programme (for the third time).

Look there is zero shame in being taken in by an abusive man. JK Rowling was, Rosie Duffield was, Nigella Lawson was (and she was at the height of her fame and success).

What is important is what you do now. You've listened to your inner voice which is great. And although you've felt very in love, you've recognised that you were being pushed into doing something you don't want to do.

And I just want to echo what @JustLyra says. A good man doesn't do this to his kids. He especially doesn't do it to an autistic one.

You and your children need space and time to be on your own. You need to heal as a family from your past trauma.

Lovebombing is being OTT right from the beginning. Huge declarations of the most magical love, filling your head with loads of easily said rubbish like ‘I love you too much/I’ve never met anyone like you before/you’re the most fantastic person I’ve ever met (when they hardly know you so can’t possibly actually know that)/you’ve changed my life/You and I are meant to be’ etc etc etc. Intensity isn’t a good indication of whether or not it’s actually love, first of all. It could just as easily just be lust, or a co-dependent personality, or someone who falls ‘in love’ quickly and out of it just as quickly. Secondly, narcissistic personalities are masters of intensity. That’s what they use to draw you in. It feels great to be wanted that badly. Until it doesn’t anymore...

Four months out of your last relationship...that’s another red flag. You’ve unconsciously said it yourself - he met you at your weakest. You probably should have waited a lot longer than that to get over what had just happened to you and your children.

Even more reason to be very careful now. Always, always judge him by his actions rather than his words. Words are cheap, they mean absolutely nothing when it comes right down to it.

Here are some signs of love bombing I found written by a psychologist online, to help people establish the difference between love bombing healthy attachment, and with my thoughts on each one in relation to him:

Fast relationship progression –the abuser can be intense and seek early and premature commitment this sounds accurate if he was asking to move in then repeatedly mentioning it, just a year after meeting a survivor of domestic abuse who has children
• Constant affection and gifts don't know about gifts but the constant affection, at the expense of his children even, is happening
• Speaking very soon about relationships, soul mates, marriage, moving in together. sounds like it
• Jealousy or always wanting to be with you or in contact with you. don't know about jealousy but him spending so much time with you at the expense of his kids and still wanting more, by moving in, is tantamount to wanting constant contact
• They get upset when you put boundaries in place. threatened to break up with you when you said no to moving in
• They get annoyed when you have other plans or get the ‘hump’ threatened to break up with you when you said no to moving in
• Trying to “take over” the woman’s life, for example by offering to solve her accommodation, child or work-related problems wants to move in and has pushed this despite you repeatedly saying you aren't ready
• Try to disable women through the support that they offer, stepping into the decision making process and encouraging reliance on him/her very early on reliance early on wise, you say he 'picked you up off the ground' just four months after you split from your abusive ex, met your kids six months later and within 60 days of doing so started to sleep in their home and within a year or so wanted to move in. Decision making process wise he's pushing you to make a massive decision, moving in, that you said no to repeatedly and threatened you with a break up when you most recently said no
I understand you've now said you'll park the moving in issue, but that doesn't mean his approach to it so far is off the table as a problem. It's indicative of his approach to your relationship, which is to be very intense very early on as a rescuer, move fast when it comes to staying over (within just 60 days of meeting your kids, at the expense of his own kids having their parent present for days at a time) and use threats to emotionally blackmail you.

It's really important you understand how common it is to fall into a toxic relationship after a previous toxic / abusive one. Especially so soon after the previous one ended when the new person seems to rescue you and is a distraction from healing for the previous abuse victim and their children.

I think it would be a shame for you to leave the thread as it could be such a help to you.

torndawn
But when meeting someone what's the difference between love bombing and just being really in love with someone?

I mean we don't really know the answer to that, and neither do you yet....only time will really tell. However it does seem that some of his behaviour is questionable - like pushing to move in when you are not ready, not spending that much time with his teenage children, and using emotional manipulation to guilt trip you for changing your mind.

Like previous posters have said, please focus on what he does, not so much what he says. It may be that he was in the right place at the right time, but also he should have realised that you were very vulnerable, and him appearing as a knight in shining armour type leaves you feeling indebted to him and a bit of an imbalance in the relationship.
This is why it is advised to stay single after a traumatic or abusive relationship, to allow for recovery and to ensure that the next person that comes along is not used as a crutch.

I do really think you need to get some sort of counselling, to try and come to terms with the trauma of your previous relationship which you may still be carrying.