He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If either of your two DC are quiet, introvert types, they will loathe having 4 additional bodies creating noise and chaos in their lives.

Yes I wonder why the 19 year old is moving out?

Could be completely legit, but it could also be because her previously largely absent father is now off shagging every night and she has to babysit her younger siblings instead of going out herself and enjoying her life? Who's parenting her and spending time with her?

I'm sure he's a great boyfriend, but he's barely functioning as a father.

He’s 41 and done a full career in the Navy, he’ll get an immediate pension and lump sum from the AFPS.

Again, his ex must have done most of the parenting when he was in the Navy. Why aren’t they with her now?

@Sushi7
My daughter has SEMH. So you are being an arse. I wouldn't leave her alone.

You are being the arse.

Leaving a 19yo with additional needs is a vastly different prospect to a NT 19yo who has basically been repeatedly responsible for her sibling.

If you state you can’t leave a 19yo without clarifying the needs then it’s no surprise people comment accordingly.

There's some absolute hysteria on this thread. Anyone would think we were talking about 4yr olds.

Good luck with the chat OP, you sound like you've got your head screwed on. If he doesn't respect your decision then you'll know that he's badgering you to move in for the wrong reasons.

You didn't mention special needs before. A 19 year old , absent special needs, should be able to live independently from their parents, or frankly parents haven't done a very good job.

Oh me too. A 19 year is an adult who should be capable of living alone if she chose to.

A 16 year old studying for exams may well like to have dad around to make meals for them and for emotional support.

There’s no hysteria in thinking that leaving a 16yo for 5 nights in a row on a regular basis isn’t acceptable.

Especially when there is clearly a story behind the fact that the guy has only just retired from a naval career, therefore couldn’t have been a day-to-day hands on parent, yet the 16yo doesn’t visit her mother with the 17yo.

16yos need parenting.

I have an 18 year old who has just gone to Uni. She is extremely independent. She still needs guidance and parenting.

She definitely did at 16.

But something doesn’t make sense. Because he leaves them at about 9.30pm-10pm, which means he barely spends any time with the op. Especially as he leaves early. That doesn’t seem so bad for the 16 year old/

But If this is the case, op has no clue if they are even compatible living together. Never mind him and his kids.

and how can he say he feels like his home is with Op when he spends no time at all there, most of which would be sleeping. Which seems at odds with ops opening post. That they do spend lots of time together.

I suspect Op doesn’t like what she is reading and slightly changing things, to make him seem like he is a more involved parent.

Hello Miss Marple! Good point!

(Sorry OP – this may or may not be the case and even if it is hardly a crime – so don’t want you to feel like you’re being got at – but just impressed at the skills of deduction here..!)

Aw not at all, this thread has been so enlightening and yes very hard to read at times.

So as an example last night he came at 9.30ish, we all played bingo for an hour or so. We went to bed, he left about 12 this morning. Being teenagers they dont get up till late.

Friday was the same except he came left earlier for footy training.

Tomorrow his autistic son goes to his mums until Friday. He'll be here most of that time. His eldest gets herself to work. So happens this week the youngest is also going to stay with mum, but this isn't always the case, so he would generally be here too.

Tricky really, there mum has remarried an awful man who at first treated the children well until they had one of there own then they were almost being bullied.

As soon as he came home the oldest and youngest wanted to stay with dad. The son who maybe doesn't see the bullying too much because of his condition still really enjoys being with mum so goes every other week during the week.

19 year old following my in dad's footsteps and had joined the Navy

he basically lives here in that time as the other two are self sufficient

so they’ve gone from being self sufficient to barely being left alone?

People can’t give any decent help if you chop and change your story

It's selfish of him not to consider everyone in this situation;has he asked himself if his 3 teenagers want to uproot their lives to move out of their home (especially the autistic teen) and in with their dads partner and two younger kids?

Wow some of the people on here are just vile and twisted people blend families all the time doesn’t mean they don’t love their kids

Guessing you moved a man and three other adults in to your primary aged childrens’ home after barely a year of knowing them?

And yes totally right he hasn't been there for a lot of their life bar leave

he basically lives here in that time as the other two are self sufficient

so they’ve gone from being self sufficient to barely being left alone?

I'm trying to be really honest without outing myself. But yes that is the case.

If the 16yr old is also at home he'll be there more if they are with mum too every other week he's here and the 19yr old stays at home alone, although often bobbing round for tea or to ask for a lift. We live less than a mile away

Well time will tell.

Your all right no benefit to me other than him being here 24/7 which I would love, I love his company. But even so you've all made me see the price would be too high.

no I didn’t actually been with my partner years and still don’t live together but I’m sure my 19 and 18 year old are just fine being left overnight while I spend the night with my partner seeing as They both had holidays with their friends this year and we’re away from me for a week 🥱

Ah thought they’d be a reason behind your indignation.

you have a toddler and couple of weeks ago started a thread…

At what point do you call it off with someone when it’s clear u both want different things. For example I want to live together and he doesn’t. Says he’s not ready but I’m not sure if he ever will be so how long do I wait

So essentially you’re coming at it from the perspective of both the OP and her partner ie wanting to move a man in to your young child’s home after a short space of time and trying to force your partner to move in with you.

wow!