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Relationships

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Can a relationship work if you're ENTIRELY seperate?

84 replies

Kimexela · 14/02/2022 13:19

Can a relationship work if two people are entirely separate, as in separate finances, separate houses, no blending of families, no moving in together on the cards?
I've met someone and I really like him, he's just recently bought a place and I like my own space with my daughter and I don't want a man to ever move in with me.
Can a relationship ever progress if two parties are to stay entirely separate? my big thing is that I don't want to share finances or actually live with anyone. I'm content with them coming over a couple of times week and spending the odd weekend together when kids are at alternate parents.
Is this a relationship model that can never progress or does it work for others?

OP posts:
Momijin · 14/02/2022 13:22

That's what I've been doing and that's what I intend. It works. He would like to move in together but understands my reasons.

thisplaceisweird · 14/02/2022 13:24

Only if both parties are truly and honestly ok with that and clear on each other's expectations.

Chasingsquirrels · 14/02/2022 13:25

It can work if it is what you BOTH want.

I'm in a similar relationship (weekends), as we live an hour apart and I feel my children have had enough in their lives (parents separating, step parents on both sides & step dad dying) without bring another adult into it.

We have completely separate houses, finances etc.

What I'm not sure about is where it will go when my children are no longer children / at home.

Gilda152 · 14/02/2022 13:26

Yes! To the point DH and I are married - and live 60 mins away from each other, although we spend 90% of every week together at either his property or mine. Same reasons as you, loved my house and loved having it as a 'girls haven' for me and my daughter as she was growing up.

We may well move together soonish as DD is now nearly 20 (DH has no children) but it has worked perfectly well for the last 7.5 years.

PatsyClinSilVousPlait · 14/02/2022 13:27

It'd work for me. Others would hate it.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/02/2022 13:28

I expect it's what almost everybody wants! If they can afford it. It's the dream. Along with many others, im in my mid forties, divorced, and on the second time round,- it's exactly what I want too. If I fancy a night of naughtiness, I have it; and if I fancy a night in my big pants slobbing on the sofa stuffing nachos in my face and watching motherland in peace, then I have that. It's perfect. And, you fancy each other more when there's no talk of who's turn it is to do the laundry, or who left a skid.

ravenmum · 14/02/2022 13:40

Been doing this for last 5 years and enjoying it. He's the one with a child, mine are grown up. We both want this arrangement.

There are some pros and cons. We normally see each other on a Tuesday night. I quite fancied doing another activity on a Tuesday night - but Tuesday works best for us both, so I've chosen him over the activity. If the other person isn't just there, in your home, all the time, then you have to make time for them. But that's also an advantage. You make time for one another. So you don't just sit there watching TV in silence. They aren't just there.

Kimexela · 14/02/2022 13:48

@Gilda152

Yes! To the point DH and I are married - and live 60 mins away from each other, although we spend 90% of every week together at either his property or mine. Same reasons as you, loved my house and loved having it as a 'girls haven' for me and my daughter as she was growing up.

We may well move together soonish as DD is now nearly 20 (DH has no children) but it has worked perfectly well for the last 7.5 years.

This sounds like my kind of dream :)
OP posts:
Kimexela · 14/02/2022 13:48

@arethereanyleftatall

I expect it's what almost everybody wants! If they can afford it. It's the dream. Along with many others, im in my mid forties, divorced, and on the second time round,- it's exactly what I want too. If I fancy a night of naughtiness, I have it; and if I fancy a night in my big pants slobbing on the sofa stuffing nachos in my face and watching motherland in peace, then I have that. It's perfect. And, you fancy each other more when there's no talk of who's turn it is to do the laundry, or who left a skid.
This also sounds like heaven 😂
OP posts:
litterbird · 14/02/2022 13:51

Yes, I am in a relationship like this now and it’s great. Right from the beginning I told him I would never marry, move in or share finances. I have too many assets, large pension and investments to give half of it away. He is divorced, mortgage free home and also never wants to marry or combine finances due to his ex wife financially getting them into big debt with her spending problems. He is debt free now and stress free. So, it’s all down to where both of you are in life and how you both want to live the rest of your life in the future. We are totally committed to each other and in love with each other. It works for us.

Hdhr8jsj · 14/02/2022 14:06

God yes. Been doing it for 3 wonderful years.

Neither of us want to get married or live with each other. Both sets of kids are grown (bar one of his children). I honestly never want to live with a man again. This is perfect.

crabappleof · 14/02/2022 14:14

It's probably the sort of setup that actually makes more sense than the conventional one. Good luck to you.

KylieKoKo · 14/02/2022 14:23

Anything can work as long as both people are happy and honest with yourselves and each other. I think both people need to be reasonably equal financially to avoid resentment building up if one person is comfortable and the other is struggling. Two households cost more to run than one so you would need to be able to afford this.

Any type of relationship can work as long as both people are happy!

Mysticguru · 14/02/2022 14:27

Works for me and my partners

crabappleof · 14/02/2022 14:32

@Mysticguru

Works for me and my partners
How many partners do you have @Mysticguru ?
Sunnytwobridges · 14/02/2022 14:36

I have a friend that has been doing this for over 10 years. Her DH lives in the city, she hates the city and lives in the suburbs. They have two children, he stays at hers from Fri evening to Monday morning. When the kids are out of school they spend time at his house. They love it and it works for the.

Society has dictated that people should live together because it supposedly is a sign of progression, but I think each couple should determine what progression is. I've seen some couples "progress" to moving in together and actually it seems as if they went backwards, things were worse. I think as long as both parties want the same thing it can work.

misspercy · 14/02/2022 14:40

God, I'd love this.

I've done the whole living together thing, and I'm over it. I love my own space and my own independence. I don't want to give up 50% of my assets that I've worked so hard for - it's all mine.

I guess it's the idea of being committed to someone 100% of the time, but only in a relationship doing couple-y thing part-time. Yes, please.

Kimexela · 14/02/2022 15:21

I am SO over living with someone. I lived with my ex and it was horrendous. I love my house and my space and my little girl is so settled. I don't want anything to disrupt her life and our space. I also don't want to share my hard earned money with anyone. I've worked really hard to get where I am now after splitting up with her father and having to start again, we have our house, i have a better job and she's so settled and happy. I really like this guy, and I'm certain he wants the same as in not blending of finances and families etc, he's just purchased a 1 bedroom flat which makes me think he wants the same as me.

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 14/02/2022 16:55

It worked for my Mum. She spent 15 years with my stepdad. They kept seperate homes, seperate finances, some times holidayed together but often apart etc.

Both of them had grown to enjoy their own space after their divorces, so it worked for them. They spent some nights at hers, some as his, and some seperately.

They were unmarried for 13 of those years, until my Mums cancer came back and became terminal. They married for the party, and to acknowledge their relationship, I don't think she wanted my Dad to be remembered as her (only) husband.

There was also a financial side to it, as part of her pension was set up to go to her spouse when she died. If she wasn't married, then noone got it. All other assets went to her kids when she died.

My stepdad basically moved in with her for the last nine months of her life in order to care for her, but still kept his own home and would spend the odd night there.

Despite living separately (or maybe because of it!), she said that the years with my Stepdad were the happiest of her life. It certainly didn't seem like any less of a relationship to me or the rest of our family because of their living arrangements.

Had she lived longer, I think they may have ended up moving in together one day, but it was probably a fair way down the road.

Redwinestillfine · 14/02/2022 16:56

You're asking the wrong person! What does he think?

Mysticguru · 14/02/2022 23:51

@crabappleof

A few. There's always space for more :)

Nomorepastry · 15/02/2022 00:36

Been in a completely separate relationship for 6 years. We share absolutely nothing and it's only the last couple of months it's started to eat at me that he's not interested in any commitment or living together. I wish I left years ago to be honest but on the good days it works well for me. On my bad days, not so much

BobCatBob · 15/02/2022 00:54

Same as nomorepastry here. We split up after 8 years after yet another separate Christmas.

RoyKentsChestHair · 15/02/2022 01:40

Split up with my DP of 9 years just before Xmas. Split was for other reasons but I was always torn between enjoying my own space and wanting more commitment. We didn’t live together, although as a much higher earner than me he often helped out with things like a new TV/sofa etc and also sent me some money each month to help towards the expense of him staying here 3 nights a week.

I couldn’t imagine a future in which we lived together full time, as we both had very set ideas about how that should look and they didn’t match up. But then the idea of me living alone in what would be a small flat on a low income, while he could afford a big luxury house, holidays etc made me feel like a second class citizen and I think would have caused other issues down the line. I wanted a partnership where we both brought something to the table, both supported each other etc whereas he seemed happy with a perpetual girlfriend.

RoyKentsChestHair · 15/02/2022 01:41

And yes, we spent Xmas apart most years, although I was alway last invited to spend it with him, his DCs and his ex. Did it a few times but didn’t love it funnily enough!

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