Page 7 | Ex turning up at family funeral

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 2022-09-18T00:12:23+00:00

Been divorced 19 years - my choice and I've remarried. My exDH turns up at family funerals and it's causing me increasing discomfort. He was there at my uncle's a few years ago, I didn't know he was coming until I saw him in the car park. Now one of my cousins has passed away. My own DH won't be coming because he is holding the fort at home with our twins. My exDH will sit with me and my parents and act like we've been married the whole time. It's so uncomfortable. His family haven't spoken a word to me since we separated yet he expects to come to my family things because it was me who left him - therefore, in his eyes, he's entitled. We have got on ok over the years but politely fell out a few years ago and haven't really spoken since. (Our 2 DC's are late 20's) so its going to be doubly awkward. I suppose because it's a funeral, I feel I can't really say anything or ask him not to come but its causing me additional stress at a very sad time. I wouldn't mind if he sat at the back and nipped away before the reception but it's very unlikely. He'll make a day of it. He wasn't that interested in my family before we got divorced! Is he being weird? Am I being unreasonable? Should I speak to him in advance? Or have I just got to suck it up as it's a public event?

Fenella123 · 09/10/2022 08:01

Can't imagine why you left him, OP!

Fingeronthebutton · 09/10/2022 08:01

He couldn’t have been that bad as you still refer to him as dear husband
most people just say my ex.

JustLyra · 09/10/2022 08:10

Fingeronthebutton · 09/10/2022 08:01

He couldn’t have been that bad as you still refer to him as dear husband
most people just say my ex.

Give over. That’s clearly just shorthand.

What do you even achieve by being such a snarky pedant on a thread?

knittingaddict · 09/10/2022 08:13

Fingeronthebutton · 09/10/2022 08:01

He couldn’t have been that bad as you still refer to him as dear husband
most people just say my ex.

Don't be daft. DH is used on mn as a shortened version to mean husband. It's easy to forget the "dear" part of that.

In any case the op said exdh (ex) and dh (current and actual husband).

Is this really the best you have to throw at the op? Pathetic.

TakeTheLowRoad · 09/10/2022 08:14

Perhaps you could look at it another way? If you tell him not to come, as it bothers you, will be get off on that? Will bothering you give him a small win?

If so, you need to change the way you deal with him. Would a bright smile, head tilt and "hi" and then just pretend he is Stan from no.8 down the road and just don't engage with him as he is unimportant, work better?

If he thinks, "she doesn't care", will he back off?

MissMogwai · 09/10/2022 08:15

If he just wanted to pay his respects and sit at the back, that's fair enough. But to sit with you and your parents - nope, that is beyond weird and intrusive.

How has he been allowed to get away with this for 20 years?! It needs to be stopped now or he'll be there on the front row at your parents' funerals too.

ivykaty44 · 09/10/2022 08:17

They don't like to be rude.

tell your parents their loyalty lies with you and to not know the arrangements yet, they are unsure as so and so hasn’t got back to them

and don’t make arrangements for calls back

ivykaty44 · 09/10/2022 08:20

Alternatively if he turns up and sits next to you

whisper under your breath, but so he can hear

never one to pass a free buffet by

happy66 · 09/10/2022 08:22

This is totally weird. He has obviously not moved on.

CavaggiosCat · 09/10/2022 08:36

Such a surreal read.
It's stalkersish, controlling, passive aggressive and weird af. I'm struggling to see how his behaviour is acceptable and I'm sorry but your girls are old enough to know better by now. It also sounds like you've been apart longer than you were even together....he's a slimy creep not the respectful ex some are painting him to be. I've heard it all now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2022 08:37

It sounds as if your dd’s have been thoroughly groomed by your ex. As they are adults, I think you should discuss this with them. If you can’t do it verbally, perhaps in writing in a nice card each to them. Something like:

‘It is so sad that dad hasn’t moved on from our marriage and I do feel terribly sorry for the way life has turned out. His attending family funerals is very distressing for grandma and grandpa as well as our much loved family members grieving losses.

Sometime in the not so distant future, one of the funerals being held will be for one of your grandparents. It would be devastating for grandma or grandpa to have to face your dad at the funeral. Everyone has been polite to your dad for your sakes for the past 20 years despite his presence adding to their grief. However, our bereaved family members and especially your grandparents, are the ones, who must be prioritised at future funerals.

Dad saw very very little of my family when we were together and he had only ever met (the name of person, whose funeral has just taken place) 2 or 3 times. For this reason, I am asking you to tell your dad the next time there is a family funeral that he should not attend as he is upsetting your grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, who are grieving a much loved family member. They are the ones, who must be prioritised always at a time of great grief.’

If they come back angry, you could tell it to them straight that he is doing this to try to hurt and control you and that he treated you in this way when you were married and this is why you left him.

napody · 09/10/2022 08:48

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2022 08:37

It sounds as if your dd’s have been thoroughly groomed by your ex. As they are adults, I think you should discuss this with them. If you can’t do it verbally, perhaps in writing in a nice card each to them. Something like:

‘It is so sad that dad hasn’t moved on from our marriage and I do feel terribly sorry for the way life has turned out. His attending family funerals is very distressing for grandma and grandpa as well as our much loved family members grieving losses.

Sometime in the not so distant future, one of the funerals being held will be for one of your grandparents. It would be devastating for grandma or grandpa to have to face your dad at the funeral. Everyone has been polite to your dad for your sakes for the past 20 years despite his presence adding to their grief. However, our bereaved family members and especially your grandparents, are the ones, who must be prioritised at future funerals.

Dad saw very very little of my family when we were together and he had only ever met (the name of person, whose funeral has just taken place) 2 or 3 times. For this reason, I am asking you to tell your dad the next time there is a family funeral that he should not attend as he is upsetting your grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, who are grieving a much loved family member. They are the ones, who must be prioritised always at a time of great grief.’

If they come back angry, you could tell it to them straight that he is doing this to try to hurt and control you and that he treated you in this way when you were married and this is why you left him.

The poster who said 'can't imagine why you left him, OP" made me LOL! What a weirdo.

But I disagree with this route with your daughters. I'm sure they know, deep down what he's like but you can't stop them feeling protective and awkward- it's not their fault their dad's a dickhead (It's yours! Sorry... no offence meant, I'm in the same situation so I'm really not judging)

I think by the sounds of it you made a massive leap forward this time. Perhaps MN backup that YWNBU helped. Last time he was trying to hold your hand and cry on your shoulder. Consistently polite neutrality/slight frostiness should make a big difference.

Kassiopeia · 09/10/2022 08:57

Does he have a relationship with your family outside of funerals?

If not, it's a bit weird he turns up at their funerals. As others said, you can't stop him from coming but it doesn't entitle him to sit with mourners.

Can someone redirect him to the back?

butterfliedtwo · 09/10/2022 09:09

Reallycomplicatedpants · 24/09/2022 11:30

No, but I will request he sits quietly at the back and doesn't come to the reception afterwards.

Good for you. Time to stop his passive aggressive nonsense.

MoggyP · 09/10/2022 09:13

If he wants to come, then he comes (especially if your joint DC want him there as well, you don't stop needing your parents when bereaved just because you've hit your 20s)

He sits with DC if they are present (you might be with closer family?) and if they are not then somewhere near the middle/back with extended family and acquaintances (rather than close friends - unless he was a close friend, of course)

MoniJitchell · 09/10/2022 09:17

Yanbu. Like you said if he came and sat at the back it would be fine. Bring your husband and your twins and don't leave any space for him beside you. Tell your parents not to tell him the funeral details I'm sure he hasn't kept in touch with your cousin all these years, absolutely no need for him to be there.

Blackberrybunnet · 09/10/2022 09:29

I can't understand why he would go to your family's funerals unless he has kept in contact with them over the years. If this is the case, he has every right to be there (although why you would sit with him is a mystery to me). If this is not the case, tell him you and your family would rather he wasn't there as it makes everyone uncomfortable. Tell your DC to tell him too - they aren't babies any longer - they know the score.

Ange211 · 09/10/2022 09:35

It’s weird but I’m not sure what you can do? either fill the row so he hasn’t the option to sit with you or contact him prior to tell him while you can’t stop him attending he is not welcome to sit in the immediate family section.

dottiedodah · 09/10/2022 09:43

What about getting a babysitter for DC? Taking hubby along.Also may be explain to DC you would prefer them not to tell him off future events

Chilmark79 · 09/10/2022 09:44

I’m sorry about this awkwardness at a difficult time, @ItsnotaHenryMoore. The thing is though, that you have DC together and this creates a tie whether you like it or not. He is you elder DCs’ DF and therefore still a member of your extended family. And you can’t ban him or anyone else from attending a funeral however inappropriate or unwelcome you find it because funerals are public acts of worship.
Looking ahead if your shared DC get married, have children etc you will be co-parents and co-grandparents for these life events and it will be essential to your DCs’ happiness that you find a way of cooperating, not just coexisting. I don’t think the standard MN hue and cry on this thread is helpful to you: understanding the presence of your exDH is unwelcome and uncomfortable at funerals you need to reach a place where it can be normalised for everyone’s sake, especially your shared DCs’.

C8H10N4O2 · 09/10/2022 09:46

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 10:15

That was so selfish of him, intruding into your grief, just to make a point. Sounds like the funeral directors handled it brilliantly.

Show quote history

Funeral directors IME are very good at handling difficult family situations. Ask for their help to keep him away from the family and seated at the back somewhere (or as PP upthread suggested - maybe with your DD).

Have you or anyone in the family ever said bluntly to him that you don't want him there and if he must attend, then you don't want him sat with the family and making a difficult day even more difficult? Without engaging into ifs and buts - you just don't want him sat with you and playing happy families.

If not, its probably an overdue conversation. As is the conversation with the rest of your family to stop giving him info and invites to family events which are nothing to do with him. Your DDs are quite old enough to respect this, even if you did feel obliged to put up with it when they were younger.

diddl · 09/10/2022 09:51

Glad there was no room on the pew.

Your parents don't help though.

They should get up & walk away if he sits next to them!

Serenitymummy · 09/10/2022 09:52

This needs a conversation with your adult kids and get them to ask him not to come. "please don't come dad, you're making everyone uncomfortable". It's fucking weird and horribly passive aggressive and controlling. I don't like it. What a horrible tit.

Cavagirl · 09/10/2022 09:52

@Reallycomplicatedpants sat next to your DF eating a scotch egg.... what a charmer.

Does your DF enjoy his company?

Lots of posters suggesting writing something along the lines of "you're upsetting the family, no one wants you there" but if that's not true it makes it trickier. What do your parents honestly think about this?

I agree with PP that you need to be braver with your DDs and get over this guilt about ending the marriage. Thank God you got out. Can't imagine why he's never found anyone else! I also find it a little concerning that they've bought so much into the poor, sad, Dad narrative - what storyline has he been feeding them about the reality of your marriage and divorce? What does that mean for their future relationships? You can start to model something really useful for them here OP, by being very clear about what you will and won't accept from him, and why.

QuitMoaning · 09/10/2022 09:57

I get on very well with my ex in-laws even though ex left me 24 years ago. When they finally pass on, I will attend their funerals but I will slip in at the back, sit quietly and not attend the wake. I will avoid mixing with anyone and just pay my quiet respects.
I see them quite regularly and am still close to them so this feels right. Whilst I am very fond of the rest of the family, I don’t attend any other family event and will not attend any other funerals. Just the parents.

My ex will hate this, particularly his wife, but I will not do anything to embarrass them and will keep well away. My (our) son will understand and assist me in my quiet attendance.