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Original poster

Ex turning up at family funeral

246 replies

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 01:12

Been divorced 19 years - my choice and I've remarried.

My exDH turns up at family funerals and it's causing me increasing discomfort. He was there at my uncle's a few years ago, I didn't know he was coming until I saw him in the car park. Now one of my cousins has passed away. My own DH won't be coming because he is holding the fort at home with our twins. My exDH will sit with me and my parents and act like we've been married the whole time. It's so uncomfortable.

His family haven't spoken a word to me since we separated yet he expects to come to my family things because it was me who left him - therefore, in his eyes, he's entitled.

We have got on ok over the years but politely fell out a few years ago and haven't really spoken since. (Our 2 DC's are late 20's) so its going to be doubly awkward.

I suppose because it's a funeral, I feel I can't really say anything or ask him not to come but its causing me additional stress at a very sad time. I wouldn't mind if he sat at the back and nipped away before the reception but it's very unlikely. He'll make a day of it. He wasn't that interested in my family before we got divorced!

Is he being weird? Am I being unreasonable? Should I speak to him in advance? Or have I just got to suck it up as it's a public event?

OP posts:
RaraRachael · 09/10/2022 09:58

My XH of 13 years does this at all my family funerals and plonks himself down at the front in the family seats. It's my family and nothing to do with him any more. I would never go to any of his family funerals. It makes me really angry buf he probably does it because he knows how much it annoys me.

WilsonMilson · 09/10/2022 10:09

Going to the funeral is fine.

Expecting to sit next to you and be part of the whole thing like close family is weird and unacceptable - how on earth does your DH feel about it?

I would call your ex and just say to him that going to the funeral is fine and thank him for paying his respects, but that he is not to sit with the family party and is not expected to go to the tea /gathering afterwards.

Crazykatie · 09/10/2022 10:09

I wouldnt try to stop him going to a funeral but he would NOT be sitting next to me my current DH or children would be next to me, him further away if he wants.
Nothing wierd either way just what I would be comfortable with.

MeridianB · 09/10/2022 10:12

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 01:22

I assume the DC tell him and he calls my parents for details. They don't like to be rude.

This needs fixing. Explain to your children why it’s an issue and ask them not to pass on the information. There are a million ways they can show support and love to their father without making sure he attends funerals of people he no longer sees. Don’t let their sensitivity around him being alone or emotions around looking after him dictate how this goes.

Then explain the same thing to your parents. I’d be wondering what else they were telling him. Suggest they reduce contact as a way of supporting you, rather than him!

I’d also quietly share the same concern with wider family. Not suggesting they ignore him but they don’t need to pander to him. And they may not know how you feel about it all.

Sitting up front next to you is odd unless his children are devastated by the loss. What would he do if you told him this wasn’t appropriate? If the pew was full? Would he still do it if your DH was there? I agree this is controlling and making all about him - disrespectful to those grieving.

Finally, I’d have some plan Bs up your sleeve for all of the above failing…. Prime the dullest guest to ‘look after’ him and say ‘ex is dying to hear all about the latest additions to your model railway/problem with your NDN/new shrubs’.

Also, some diplomatic but firm relatives to have a quiet word if he’s still intruding.

Starting to address this now will help build boundaries for when you really want them, with your own parents.

Crazykatie · 09/10/2022 10:21

Crazykatie · 09/10/2022 10:09

I wouldnt try to stop him going to a funeral but he would NOT be sitting next to me my current DH or children would be next to me, him further away if he wants.
Nothing wierd either way just what I would be comfortable with.

I would not stop him from going to the wake afterwards, his children and friends would be there

anonacfr · 09/10/2022 10:26

I agree that going to the funeral is OK (even though after no contact and 20 year divorce it is very odd).

However joining in as a family member I'd not acceptable.
My aunt died in her late 60s and cousin's ex (not amicable) showed up at the funeral because his daughters (teenagers) wanted him there as a support.
He sat with them behind aunt's immediate family and left right after the service. He'd been part of our family for 20 years and we all loved him but he didn't want to add drama so made a swift exit.

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/10/2022 10:28

I suppose because it's a funeral, I feel I can't really say anything or ask him not to come

As others have said - funerals are public and you're right that you can't ban anyone, but there's no reason why he should sit with the family.

If you speak to the funeral director s/he may be able to steer him away from the family pews. Think it's really up to all of your family though to tell him he's no longer part of the family and not to make him welcome. (Why are your adult children telling him this stuff? Have they no concern for your feelings?) I would suggest that men in your family who would step up to the mark and make it clear he isn't welcome at the funeral "tea", but he would probably revel in this as he would know it was still getting to you, so probably best to let it go.

Same with your parents. "Rude" my *rse. They should just put the phone down on him, or tell him that they'll contact him when details are finalised and just never ring. It's possible to screen calls these days, so they need not answer if he calls. . There is no reason for you to be in contact with him for anything that doesn't involve your shared children.

You divorced him but you can't stop him paying respects to people who have died.

This isn't "paying respects" BCconrad. "Paying respects" is attending and sitting at the back away from the family of which you are no longer a part. "Paying respects" is not attending a wake that you know you aren't welcome at.

This is a control thing.

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/10/2022 10:31

RaraRachael · 09/10/2022 09:58

My XH of 13 years does this at all my family funerals and plonks himself down at the front in the family seats. It's my family and nothing to do with him any more. I would never go to any of his family funerals. It makes me really angry buf he probably does it because he knows how much it annoys me.

That's exactly it, isn't it?

A deliberate provocation.

What sad, pathetic POS these men are. They have nothing better in their lives than to try to torment someone who is no longer any part of their life.

GlasgowGal82 · 09/10/2022 10:35

I don’t think you can stop him coming to family funerals but it is weird that he sits with you and your parents. There’s a number of exs from my parents family who still attend family funerals despite being divorced 20+ years and to be honest I’d find it strange if they weren’t there now. However, it’s not uncommon for people to sit on their own at a funeral if they’re not close family or friend.

When he calls your parents for info could you ask them to kindly request that he sits elsewhere in the church because you find it upsetting when he sits by you as if your still married. Or depending on how mature they are and what your relationships are like one of your kids might be able to have a conversation along those lines.

Hawkins001 · 09/10/2022 10:38

Not quite the same but when I see.my ex's parents, e.g. In person now and then, I still make small.chatter and say hi etc, as they were kind with me,

slowquickstep · 09/10/2022 10:48

Here in my wee corner of the country he would be talked about for decades if he didn't turn up and sit on the family side. My Ex brother in law was in one of the family funeral cars at my Mum's funeral.

sue20 · 09/10/2022 10:52

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 01:12

Been divorced 19 years - my choice and I've remarried.

My exDH turns up at family funerals and it's causing me increasing discomfort. He was there at my uncle's a few years ago, I didn't know he was coming until I saw him in the car park. Now one of my cousins has passed away. My own DH won't be coming because he is holding the fort at home with our twins. My exDH will sit with me and my parents and act like we've been married the whole time. It's so uncomfortable.

His family haven't spoken a word to me since we separated yet he expects to come to my family things because it was me who left him - therefore, in his eyes, he's entitled.

We have got on ok over the years but politely fell out a few years ago and haven't really spoken since. (Our 2 DC's are late 20's) so its going to be doubly awkward.

I suppose because it's a funeral, I feel I can't really say anything or ask him not to come but its causing me additional stress at a very sad time. I wouldn't mind if he sat at the back and nipped away before the reception but it's very unlikely. He'll make a day of it. He wasn't that interested in my family before we got divorced!

Is he being weird? Am I being unreasonable? Should I speak to him in advance? Or have I just got to suck it up as it's a public event?

That’s weird. But sounds like you got it that he feels entitled. I think if you feel it’s not about the person the event’s for it would be worth letting him know your feelings.

sue20 · 09/10/2022 10:55

Then move? A few rows away? It doesn’t matter where you sit at a funeral. There’s usually empty seats.

sue20 · 09/10/2022 10:57

Completely different .

ladywithnomanors · 09/10/2022 11:01

I don’t it’s weird him going. It’s quite normal in my family for everyone to attend a funeral. My parents haven’t been married for 40 years but they still attend each other’s family funerals.

GrumpyPanda · 09/10/2022 11:01

He's essentially a stalker, and your daughters are enabling his stalking. In your place, I'd make very sure to discuss it with them in precisely those terms. Same for your parents. I'd even consider dropping hints to the effect to wider family.

Did he behave in this manner throughout your marriage?

GrumpyPanda · 09/10/2022 11:06

ladywithnomanors · 09/10/2022 11:01

I don’t it’s weird him going. It’s quite normal in my family for everyone to attend a funeral. My parents haven’t been married for 40 years but they still attend each other’s family funerals.

Maybe so, but I bet your parents don't demonstratively plonk themselves down next to an ex-partner of 40 years. They also seem to be in mutual agreement on attending. From OP's description it is quite clear this is nothing about the ex paying respect and all about a unilateral power play.

dontgobaconmyheart · 09/10/2022 11:15

If it is an open funeral (ie not close family and friends only) then I suppose he can attend if he knew them or in support of his children, though I have no idea why he is being allowed to sit in the next of kin.

I would be calling him to say that if he wants to pay his respects he is welcome to do so but will not be permitted to sit with the next of kin, as he is not one. I'd definitely be making it clear to him that it causes me (and the family) unnecessary distress that he attends at all and that it would be more respectful to the family to keep an appropriate distance. I'd certainly make clear to the rest of my close family how I feel about his attendance and seek their support. Ultimately who attends is down to the family, not down to him and he can be told no, or asked to leave.

I think in all honesty if I were surprised in this way by an ex I probably would ask them to leave or certainly say " thank you for coming to pay respects, understandably out of respect for the family these seats are for immediate family and friends only so if you wouldn't mind seating yourself at the rear for the service" - preferably with your DH with you. I do think what he's doing is disrepectful and would have thought most people would find what he is doing odd.

HairyToity · 09/10/2022 11:22

I've seen my auntie's ex husband at funerals, lending support to his children. It's normal in our family. When you share kids, it's never no contact.

DH has divorced parents, both parents have to put up with each other all the time, at grandchildrens birthday parties etc. In fact when my FIL had brain surgery (a shunt fitted), my MIL took it upon herself to do his food shopping and drive him to his hospital appointments.

IVbumble · 09/10/2022 11:22

It's important to tackle the subject of his behaviour - even if your DD's don't like to hear it. They really need to understand that women no longer have to pander to men - which is something they are already doing.

HairyToity · 09/10/2022 11:23

P.S. MIL has a long-term partner. FIL's second wife died a couple of years ago.

zingally · 09/10/2022 11:27

Perhaps he thinks he's coming in order to "support" your shared adult DCs?

Otherwise, he's just an odd attention seeker.

If he rocks up, as you expect he will, ignore, ignore, ignore, and let your DCs handle him.

whynotwhatknot · 09/10/2022 11:34

when my dm passed away-her sis in law by marriage turned up they had nt spoken for years after a row

nothing i cold do but made it clear she wasnt invited to the wake-why cant you say something like its weird to turn up to a wake when youre not invited next time

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 09/10/2022 11:35

Fraaahnces · 07/10/2022 15:06

Tell him that the only funeral you want to see him at is his own.

👏👏👏 🤣

youlooklikeapenis · 09/10/2022 11:40

So many people completely missing the point. While at the same time making it incredibly clear how men get away with abusing women in so many ways, so conditioned to be polite aren't we and never rock the boat. 'Oh it's so nice he feels close to your family, it's not weird at all'.

It's incredibly fucking weird and he's only there as a power play and to punish the op. Fucking freak. It's been 20 years, he needs to move on.

Your daughters op are walking over you just as he did. Time to stand up for yourself and if they get upset too bad. They will need to for once think of you and your feelings rather than focus on their own and their dad's.

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