My ex is stopping money for his now 'independent' autistic son.

[placemats]

Bit of a mix here, but I know that if it was posted on AIBU, I would get roasted.

So my ex is now stopping payment for my autistic son because he's 21 and of an age of independence. The reality is he still needs me to cook a hot meal for him, get him to appointments and travel hundreds of miles to see his partner.

He's got a one off child payment which amounts to £2,500 now he's 21 because of a child savings we set up when he was born - obviously it was a post university account but our son didn't go to university. He lives with me, I support him day to day. The household has an income of no more than £10,000 a year, but I do own the house. Ex has a household income that is above £100,000 a year.

I just feel this is unjust and he should pay until our son is fully living an independent life. Am I being unreasonable to request that he keep the not very substantial monthly contribution on? I find it most egregious given the cost of living crisis.

Support him into a job and his own place supported by a social worker as suggested by very many posters

It might be possible to make an application under Schedule 1 of the Children Act. Financial orders for children over 18 are rare
but may be made if the child is over 18 and still in education, training for a trade, or there are special needs and circumstances.

The financial need would have to be his though, not yours.

Apologies if I have missed it OP but does your DS contribute to the household from his £250 a month and other benefits or does he keep all that himself?

Asking your daughters to take your place is not making him independent but giving her the burden of care instead of you

Honestly how are you still stuck on this point.

Is it money for you that you require more than anything? I get you’re in a hard place but you need to look at other options than your dd

If your son only needs help with cooking, cleaning and finances you can still help with that if you want and be part of his life but you both dont need to be completely dependent on each other.

There is help out there but it's almost like you dont want it you want to keep it all in the family but that is just not real life. You can all live happily and independently and have your son very much involved in your life but he doesnt need to be I'm your house depending on you for everything.

Getting him help or an assisted living place doesnt mean he is locked up and you cant see him, its somewhere he can feel safe and independent and supported and you can visit but equally enjoy your own life

@placemats
The choice isn't between you providing 24:7 support and your dd providing the support.

When you are able go back and find the links and advice offered on this thread because we've been trying to show you a different direction that will help you and your ds.
You haven't said where your ds is accessing his education or what form that's taking at 21. That should be the way forward together with a social care assessment and advice about maximising benefits for him and you.

OP what arrangements were made for your DS to continue developing skills/continue education after school?

In my area day centres and college courses are available for adults with disabilities to continue developing independent living skills. It can be a slow process and take several years but long term plans are drawn up in consultation with the young person themselves and the parents.

Has your DS slipped through the net? Or are his needs not actually that great?

@placemats the answers many people have given include advice about strategies for him which don't involve either you or your daughter in a full time caring role for the next 60+ years. I've seen the fallout of situations where people have not explored all the options for their LD/ASD adult child and either die before proper support is in place or with an expectation family will step in and recreate their care.

Many decades ago it often took brave parents to keep residence of their LD/ASD children because the default was residential from an early age and it was by our standards not good. Their overprotection and fear of outside interference was understandable to a large degree, but even with the far less than ideal provision of today, there are many more alternatives. This is not then. Will you consider approaching the appropriate social services team for a needs based assessment for your son?

You're misinterpreting what people are saying

He needs to be enabled, not disabled to be able to live his own life. That might mean being able to work, it might not. It might be that he sources his own accommodation which is either supported by a care package or he might not need a care package as such

Unless he is bed bound or dangerous when left alone there isnt really a need for him to need your full time care and he should have the opportunity to practice and improve on independence skills

Can he travel independently, can he call for a taxi, can he tell the time, can he cook a basic meal or a ready meal, does he understand money and to what degree, can he use a washing machine, can he hoover, can he negotiate shops or order food online, can he make phone calls, can he manage medication or appointments, can he go for hair cuts, does he manage his personal hygiene, is he aware of basic interpersonal safety, does he have friends, does he have hobbies, can he swim or does he do exercise..... the list is endless of what skills he might be able to devleop and build on and enhance his lived experience

Its not about either living with you and nothing changing or living with his sisters and nothing changing. Wherever he lives, he needs a full as life as possible

He could live in supported accommodation or he could continue to live with you but you also work and allow him and push him to do what he can to live his own life

What do you do all day?

@BarkylLoner I was wondering this too.

DS is currently 17 and has been transitioning from Child to Adult services since last Summer when he was due to move up into 6th form.

He leaves next July and we are already looking at option for "what's next" so to speak.

What does he do at the moment o/p?

he’s 21.

so too old for school. Does he work, is he in some sort of program to assist him with independence? What does he do in the day?

or are you sat at home with him all day every day? If so you really need to get him doing something, it won’t help him if his life is you and your house.

OP, I'm so sorry. There seem to be a lot of people on this thread who live in a land of rainbows and unicorns! Contact your local carers centre and ask them how you get a carer's assessment www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/getting-care-and-support/carers-assessment. And try to get a new needs assessment for your son www.gov.uk/apply-needs-assessment-social-services. They should in theory be able to be done at the same time but that's not always how it works!

This is quite difficult to answer due to the fact you haven't really answered what level of care your son needs.

You earn £6k per year which even at nmw is 10 hours work per week. Only just over one day per week.

Maybe your ds needs are, and have been all throughout secondary, so significant and appointments etc have meant you couldn't work more.

Or, maybe your ex feels you've been riding on his earnings for years, and want to continue to do so, but he isn't prepared to indulge that any more.

We actually don't know, as you haven't said.

OP, I don't have much advice, other than, you need to start looking into adult SS and begin applying for some independent housing for your boy. It's the best solution all round surely?

We have been doing similar and we are only in year 10. Its part of the SEN Code of Practice from year 9.

OP I have just read your post from when your son was 17.

You said his needs had reduced considerably, he was in sixth form and you were ready to return to full time work. You were applying for civil service posts.

what has changed? At that time you were confident you could return to work and ‘spread your wings’.

I thought OP said she earned £470 this year, thats less than a tenner a WEEK!

She has been so unclear I cant work out her income from what she has said

I've luckily never been in this position, as I last claimed benefits in the Eighties, but your post rings true to me, @ElizabethBest. Also, @placemats, what kind of father, who, like your ex, is in a position to help, doesn't carry on helping, at least financially? Talk about abdication of responsibility.

So because he's autistic you think he has extensive rights? Ar 22 he should be independent to some degree, why is he not at college or working? Or even claiming benefits of his own. At 21 you should be encouraging him to become more independent

@TravellingSpoon I'm sure it was probably earlier for my DS too, but with Covid all the years seem to have jumbled into one!

So many, meetings, appointments etc, etc, etc......

We're still in the transition process so know exactly what you're saying!
But, from what the OP has told us her DS was not known to children's social care / disabilities team so there would not be any automatic transition. She said his ehcp is still in place but education only, and she hasn't said what his current education provision is.
Thsts why she'll need to start from scratch with adult social care assessment.

I would love him to be independent so I can actually get up, move on and live my own life finally.
And yet, I'm told not to do that because it would be horrible to 'offload' my son who does need help, travelling and cooking, cleaning and finances onto my daughters.

You're not proposing independence for your son. What you propose for your son is transferred dependence to a sibling.

Independence for your son may mean a transition through supported living outside the family network. To a plan. With goals and objectives. That means engaging with adult social services. Your son may also benefit from an independent advocate as you may be too close to the situation to see it objectively.

Interesting, I’ve just read that and another thread where OP states her DS was in year 14 and had passed his label exams, and would have another go at them in a years time.

Who sorted out the support for his education OP and for him to go to sixth form a couple of years later? Did they not provide any support for his future?

He’s verbal and capable of achieving alevels, surely he has an idea for what he wants in his future that you can discuss with him

As others have said, there are some great supportive housing options out there. These help to give your son independence and day to day support - you and your daughters can still be as involved in his life as you want to be. Since he is high functioning enough for a romantic relationship and to be looking for work, giving him more independent life skills is vital. You need to maximize his benefits as well.

Has his father been in his life at all? It sounds like he sent a check and that was it. But then you said your daughter doesn't want to rock the boat so that sounds like she still has a relationship with him? Given the anger you have, Dad might visit more too if son is independent and it doesn't have to go through you.

I hear you have caregiver burnout and I get that. You also seem to feel you can't let go and let him be more independent - I am sure a big part of your identity is being his caregiver and that is a hard thing to let go of. Have you gotten yourself any support?

There are ways for both your son and you to move on and transition into the next stages of life. You don't need to be living together to still be his biggest support, while also carving out space for yourself and for him to gain more independence. I would definitely find some support for yourself. Talking to others families with young adult children with autism might be very beneficial. Some might know of family support groups.