My ex is stopping money for his now 'independent' autistic son.

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Bit of a mix here, but I know that if it was posted on AIBU, I would get roasted.

So my ex is now stopping payment for my autistic son because he's 21 and of an age of independence. The reality is he still needs me to cook a hot meal for him, get him to appointments and travel hundreds of miles to see his partner.

He's got a one off child payment which amounts to £2,500 now he's 21 because of a child savings we set up when he was born - obviously it was a post university account but our son didn't go to university. He lives with me, I support him day to day. The household has an income of no more than £10,000 a year, but I do own the house. Ex has a household income that is above £100,000 a year.

I just feel this is unjust and he should pay until our son is fully living an independent life. Am I being unreasonable to request that he keep the not very substantial monthly contribution on? I find it most egregious given the cost of living crisis.

The £6k is what you receive, DS also receives UC and PIP of up to £15.5k.

Are you also claiming council tax reduction and have you looked at the council tax discount for carers? If there is only you and DS in the property you might be eligible for 50% discount and then council tax support as well.

Have you looked at grants for carers?

@Stripedbag101

What do you propose I do? Which was my original question.

Obviously I cannot abandon my son, I would never do that.

But with a loss of income from his dad for support, what exactly do I do?

I'm 61, have worked part-time on and off since my son was diagnosed. Would you be happy to employ me?

I haven’t read the whole thread as some of the posts early on made me angry.

”why doesn’t OP work/earn more?”……ummmm probably because she’s still caring for her son? Because she’s spend the last 21 years caring for him and not being able to push herself forward in a career? So people not realise how hard it is to raise a child/young adult alone who has SEN’s?

”Why should his dad continue to financially support a 21 year old?” ….ummm, because the mother is financially and emotionally supporting him daily, he maybe 21 and an adult but he’s not independent, your kids don’t stop being your kids when they reach 18/21.

Yes at 21 he is classed as an adult, most 21 year olds are independent (well a lot actually are not) and most work but OP’s DS isn’t.

Of course no one can make him pay money to support his 21 year old son but I can see why OP thinks he should still offer some kind of support.

I’m a single parent to 2 autistic teens (18 and 16), I will no doubt still be caring for the 16 year old into her adult years, I have been unable to work full time since her father left, he pays minimum to support her and he has never had her over night. My household income is very low because I have dd with me almost all the time and she can’t be left alone, yet her dad lives a total easy life and has been able to push forward in his career earning a lot more than I ever will.

OP, even if he doesn’t pay a monthly amount towards your DS’s care I do hope he will help in some way, maybe spending more time with him and supporting him through adulthood, for me I would prefer that than any money from my ex but it’s something he will never offer.

I think sadly the focus is in the ex and her feelings about him, but she needs to shift to thinking about the long term best interests of her son and that isn’t the ex topping up and then the daughter being his carer.

So if your son has an EHCP there should be provision for preparing for adulthood and independent living. Education is not just academic learning.

Anything that educates or trains a child or young person is deemed to be educational provision eg travel training, learning to manage money, learning to prepare meals, social skills training etc. If nothing is in the EHCP you may need to ask for an early Annual Review.

Some useful information here:

www.ipsea.org.uk/annual-reviews-in-year-9-and-beyond

www.ipsea.org.uk/asking-for-an-early-review-of-an-ehc-plan

It's clear to me that it's fine for a second family to have all the laurels but the first family is left to scrimp and save.

I understand that. It's how it works.

I really shouldn't have had that third child. But I did. Be careful what you wish for.

Made a rod for my own back and I, and I alone should have known this.

I think , as I read more from the OP, that there is a different view from what we are all suggesting re ongoing support as an adult.

Most posts are suggesting him moving to one place, getting support services in place etc .

The OP I think sees the care as being a family duty or role and not for charities/ health/council etc to fulfill.

Hence the response that he doesn’t need a social worker as she cares for him.

i can’t see anything about what his needs are, what has and is being doing to empower and support him to be able to do more such as skills in getting a bus and such like.

I think it’s a view of looking after rather than supporting to live a more independent life .

Op I think it would benefit you to be more flexible in your thinking. Ex was giving you £4k pa- that is a lot! I never saw a penny from millionaire ex for ASD DC.

You need a full income maximisation check from somewhere like CAB or a carers org.

I can see why at 61 you'd be exhausted after decades of caring.

But ASD or not Ds should be given the opportunity to try independent living.

Can you afford to sell where you are just now and buy 2 one bed flats for each of you? Maybe in the same block?

There are many suggestions on this thread but you cannot pass this unemployability to your daughter too

If it really is the money you need for you, then it could be better your dds help out financially rather than take the burden of care. £2000 a year each would that be doable for them? Will you be getting state pension?

Of course it’s not great but better than transferring the burden to a young adult who is not responsible

Any other options are better than leaning your dds to it

Why would my son have a social worker when he's well looked after? He was diagnosed autistic at 3 years old.
Because he should have an assessment of needs and you should have a carer assessment, and without external support he is never going to move forward on a pathway to independent living. If that's what you want. Which from your responses I genuinely doubt.

Stop fixation g on your ex and his life .

I did a long post to you with lots of info on support and places that can help.

It looks like you didn’t read it or actually want any constructive suggestions other than us all to say how shit your ex is .

I think most posters are trying to look at what is best for your son , which would also allow you a better retirement.

But it comes round to your ex and it’s not fair. No , probably not . But focus on your sons future . And your ex just keeping paying doesn’t help your son long term.

I spent time finding links and thought perhaps no one had really told you about lithe support etc . But I’m thinking you were told about what is out there but you want your ex to pay and that the focus .

We are all going round in circles as basically you want your ex to pay for another ten years and then expect your daughter to take on the role of carer and impact her life .

You said earlier wives are expected to do all this, and then you expect your daughter to do it . Reinforcing the role of women yourself.

lots if people have given you lots of really good advice, their own experiences nd links .

You have two choices, follow them up and support your son to a fuller adult life or go on about your ex .

Please don't repeat this to your son.

As PPs have said, you need to switch your focus.

Forget about your ex and what he's doing and focus on you and your son.

This

Jesus christ nobody is saying abandon your son. We are saying make long term plans for him... plans that dont involve your adult children having to look after him for the next 60 years of their lives.

Honestly OP you seem like your main focus is on your ex husband and his financial contribution rather than helping your son become independent.

Get help from social services, you are struggling after 21years but you expect your daughters to give up their lives and care for your son for the rest of theirs? If you are exhausted after 21yrs why do you think they would do any better for 60years+

I'd honestly be very surprised if their husbands were happy about moving in and spending the rest of their lives taking care of their BIL and MIL- that is no marriage and honestly you should want more for your daughters.

I'm honestly starting to think this is all made up because you are being very evasive and not answering peoples questions. I suspect your son has the potential to be more independent than you allow him to be.

Did you expect your ex to keep finding your lifestyle choices indefinitely?

It's a choice you've made not to make sure you're claiming all you can for your son and not to assist him with moving towards independence of whatever sort he is capable. You can't have expected your ex to pay towards that for ever surely?

Agree totally with this.

you need to get him a social care assessment, an adult disability social worker and a review of the EHCP including the social care section.

OP, what sort of future would your DS like for himself?
Has anyone asked him?

Get a full time job and make your son get one as well. If he's capable of having a relationship he's capable of working.

Sorry OP but it is not the responsibility of you daughters to support and fund your son. Please don’t expect or put that burden on them.

The cycle will then continue. What if they get to your age and feel burnout. The same as you? They could split with their partners and hence be single and not be able to work having to care for your son.

Please don’t put that on them. It’s not fair. For anyone involved. It is selfish.

You need to contact CAB and your local authority to get the ball rolling with care for your son.

Speak to your GP as well, as you are clearly struggling.

This thread is full of people who have no idea what their talking about.

The problem with your post is you say 'until he is independant' which suggests he has the capability to be in which case its your choice to support him instead of him being independant.

It would be different if you where talking levels of autism without the ability to ever have independance although legally I'm not sure what you could do but there would be some options available to assist you but if he is able to be independent and just isn't yet because you still do these things for him then thats on you and your choice not his father.

This.

I agree if he can make conversation and hold down a relationship, however innocent it is, surely he can pack bags at a supermarket? Many people with autism can have jobs or do some volunteer work or something. Is he non-verbal? What is his level of functioning? Can he be left alone for short periods or does he need supervision with everything?

But you cant seriously expect your ex to continue to fund you and your son when you also dont work, surely your ex would be heading near retirement age as well?

OP what is the long term plan regarding your son’s needs? If your son’s father had continued to pay beyond 21 years, what was the plan?

I have no doubt that your daughters would help and support their brother but it isn’t a long term solution and there needs to be a plan. I understand your exasperation and it isn’t fair that the burden of care fell to you but could you really be able to enjoy a future without caring for your son daily, knowing that his care needs fell to your daughters.

Yes his father should support his son financially beyond 21 but your son’s father wouldn’t be the first not to care enough to do the right thing.

I have an autistic brother who lived at home with my parents until a few months ago. My mother cared for him until she was in her nineties. He is now late sixties. My mother refused to consider any plan other than him 'living with family'. Social services would try to engage with him and she would cancel and undo all the arrangements. I was only ever able to work part time myself as I was emotionally blackmailed into supporting both of them as she grew older and they both suffered various illnesses (dementia, strokes, broken hips, stoma operation etc). The worry of what would happen to my brother after her death cast a massive shadow over my life until she died, when she was still insisting he should come to live with me.

He is now in a mencap shared home. He is the happiest he has ever been in his life, living with friends and says he wants to live there for the rest of his life.