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Original poster

My ex is stopping money for his now 'independent' autistic son.

338 replies

placemats · 17/09/2022 12:44

Bit of a mix here, but I know that if it was posted on AIBU, I would get roasted.

So my ex is now stopping payment for my autistic son because he's 21 and of an age of independence. The reality is he still needs me to cook a hot meal for him, get him to appointments and travel hundreds of miles to see his partner.

He's got a one off child payment which amounts to £2,500 now he's 21 because of a child savings we set up when he was born - obviously it was a post university account but our son didn't go to university. He lives with me, I support him day to day. The household has an income of no more than £10,000 a year, but I do own the house. Ex has a household income that is above £100,000 a year.

I just feel this is unjust and he should pay until our son is fully living an independent life. Am I being unreasonable to request that he keep the not very substantial monthly contribution on? I find it most egregious given the cost of living crisis.

OP posts:
Theillustratedmummy · 17/09/2022 18:26

Op some autistic people function pretty much like non autistic people, they have a 'normal' life. They have high powered or complex careers, marriage, children and friends. Just like everyone.
Some need 24/7 care, everything from toileting to getting out of bed.
Some sit in various places on the spectrum. So can do somethings really well and need more help with others. Sometimes this varies and changes depending on the day or time and what else is going on.
What needs to happen here is you engage with Professionals to work out where your son sits, what he can do and what he may need support with.
It feels to me you have been given the diagnosis and taken it to mean you need to care fully for your son for the rest of your days. Its easy to think that and easy to become co dependent as you age. However, you owe it to both of you to end this thinking.

ElizabethBest · 17/09/2022 18:29

@MissMaple82 My autistic son is non-verbal, not toilet trained, and prone to violent outbursts and meltdowns. He has the comprehension of a 2 year old. I’d LOVE to hear what career you suggest…… Hmm

bellac11 · 17/09/2022 18:39

ElizabethBest · 17/09/2022 18:29

@MissMaple82 My autistic son is non-verbal, not toilet trained, and prone to violent outbursts and meltdowns. He has the comprehension of a 2 year old. I’d LOVE to hear what career you suggest…… Hmm

Whats your son got to do with anything and why are you asking about him?

The poster was referring to the OPs son who, on the limited information we have so far, is likely capable of more independence than he currently has

HotDogKetchup · 17/09/2022 18:42

ElizabethBest · 17/09/2022 18:29

@MissMaple82 My autistic son is non-verbal, not toilet trained, and prone to violent outbursts and meltdowns. He has the comprehension of a 2 year old. I’d LOVE to hear what career you suggest…… Hmm

the advice would differ for your son - but it wasn’t your post?

bellac11 · 17/09/2022 18:44

HotDogKetchup · 17/09/2022 18:42

the advice would differ for your son - but it wasn’t your post?

Show quote history

Why do people have to make it all about them all the time

MarshaBradyo · 17/09/2022 18:45

ElizabethBest · 17/09/2022 18:29

@MissMaple82 My autistic son is non-verbal, not toilet trained, and prone to violent outbursts and meltdowns. He has the comprehension of a 2 year old. I’d LOVE to hear what career you suggest…… Hmm

That’s the thing though it is across a broad spectrum. The op’s son has A levels and a GF, although she hasn’t posted what he directly needs help with day to day

titchy · 17/09/2022 18:53

placemats · 17/09/2022 16:18

@Stripedbag101

What do you propose I do? Which was my original question.

Obviously I cannot abandon my son, I would never do that.

But with a loss of income from his dad for support, what exactly do I do?

I'm 61, have worked part-time on and off since my son was diagnosed. Would you be happy to employ me?

  1. Make sure you're claiming all the benefits you're entitled to. It sounds like you're not claiming caters premium.
  2. Charge your ds rent given that he's probably getting £10k plus in benefits and apparently never spend it.
  3. Seek a proper assessment of his needs from SS.

If you were less evasive you might also get better advice from MN.

LosingTheWill2022 · 17/09/2022 18:55

A levels and a "girlfriend" are not in themselves indicators of of independent life skills. Or even of a persons potential life skills.
For example, a person may be able learn academic facts and pass exams but have extremely poor executive functioning skills. You need the latter over the former to live independently.
People still seem to think of the autism spectrum as going from severe to mild, or low functioning to high functioning and that's just not the case. There are so many factors involved and their interaction and impact on the individual may be far more debilitating than people might expect.

bellac11 · 17/09/2022 18:57

LosingTheWill2022 · 17/09/2022 18:55

A levels and a "girlfriend" are not in themselves indicators of of independent life skills. Or even of a persons potential life skills.
For example, a person may be able learn academic facts and pass exams but have extremely poor executive functioning skills. You need the latter over the former to live independently.
People still seem to think of the autism spectrum as going from severe to mild, or low functioning to high functioning and that's just not the case. There are so many factors involved and their interaction and impact on the individual may be far more debilitating than people might expect.

Correct but there are skills to be encouraged and built on and the issue is that he is not comparable to someone who has similar functioning to a 2 year old so why that poster had to make it all about them I do not know

MarshaBradyo · 17/09/2022 18:58

LosingTheWill2022 · 17/09/2022 18:55

A levels and a "girlfriend" are not in themselves indicators of of independent life skills. Or even of a persons potential life skills.
For example, a person may be able learn academic facts and pass exams but have extremely poor executive functioning skills. You need the latter over the former to live independently.
People still seem to think of the autism spectrum as going from severe to mild, or low functioning to high functioning and that's just not the case. There are so many factors involved and their interaction and impact on the individual may be far more debilitating than people might expect.

There is no suggestion that is the case

But clearly the pp is in a different situation with a child that has comprehension levels thatcare very low

We don’t know what the son can do day to day as the op is concentrating on her ex in her mind and posts rather than his move to independent living

LosingTheWill2022 · 17/09/2022 19:08

As you say @MarshaBradyo we have very little information about the OP's DS. Pps have brought up information from old threads and I was simply advising against leaping to conclusions based on the facts that he was studying for A levels and meets up with his 'girlfriend' once a month.

Iwonder08 · 17/09/2022 19:10

I don't understand one thing OP.. His father paid CM since his son was 9. He hasn't stopped whe. The boy turned 18 even though he wasn't legally obliged and carried on for another 3 years. What was your plan? Have you discussed when his dad plans to stop payments? Did you think he will continue until his son is 50?
Something tells me his father has a different view on the level of independence the boy should have and the level of financial independence OP should have had as well

Reallyreallyborednow · 17/09/2022 19:12

We don’t know what the son can do day to day as the op is concentrating on her ex in her mind and posts rather than his move to independent living

the fact that the o/p has refused to say what her son’s needs are and what his level of care is makes me think he’s more independent than she’s saying.

and also that she’s not thought about his potential or future beyond now, where he’s living at home, with no education or training, and her income is benefits, minimal work and her ex’s contribution.

from her evasiveness on this I wonder if she does actually want to make changes, or if she’s happy with the status quo and pissed off that the ex is forcing a change.

no one can know who’s right here as o/p won’t give the information.

stayinghometoday · 17/09/2022 19:15

What's the plan if he outlives his sisters or their ability to care for him? Sometimes it's kinder to get someone in supported living when they are young, than when they are older and have even more trouble adjusting...

Stripedbag101 · 17/09/2022 19:21

I am someone who brought up old info from previous threads.

OP is so evasive I was simply trying to determine if her son needs care or if she can work full time.

I have no idea if he is capable of holding down a job - but that is different to him being safe home alone.

I suspect the issue is that as a high earner the child support payments were also high.

if the ex earns £120k a year and has two children at home he would have been paying around £800 a month.

that stopping has a big impact on OP.

she is now over 60 and is struggling to find full time employment.

that must be incredibly hard. But the solution can’t be to look to her daughters to plug the financial gap.

she was looking for full time employment four years ago. I think the issue has been she hasn’t found full time employment - her son can be left at home okay.

LosingTheWill2022 · 17/09/2022 19:36

I understand @Stripedbag101
It's been a frustrating thread.
But people are reading it so I felt the need to make sure that those lurkers don't get the wrong idea. My dd and I come up against misunderstanding so often that I feel its important to spread better understanding.
I've tried to engage with and help the OP as have lots of others. Hopefully she can use that info when she's ready.
And hopefully she will be able to shut the door on her anger at her ex. I understand where that comes from but it won't change anything as you and others point out.

jacostajune · 17/09/2022 19:57

@placemats you haven't really explained why you (or his dad, I know it shouldn't all be on you) have looked at how your son can start to live more independently ie away from his family. It's not "abandoning" him, it's letting him have the same life goals that any young adult would have, with the right support in place. I completely understand that actually getting that support can be immensely challenging, but it doesn't sound like you've even tried.

Passwordsffs · 17/09/2022 20:01

placemats · 17/09/2022 13:11

Thank you. x

Show quote history

Absolutely. Hope you can get this sorted OP xx

Passwordsffs · 17/09/2022 20:05

ElizabethBest · 17/09/2022 13:09

This thread is full of people who have clearly never tried to access so called support services and disability benefits. YANBU, your ex is a cunt.

I quoted wrong post earlier . Absolutely agree @ElizabethBest . Hope you are ok OP x

MoriaRoseForever · 17/09/2022 20:06

placemats · 17/09/2022 17:27

I'm holding him back?

I would love him to be independent so I can actually get up, move on and live my own life finally.

And yet, I'm told not to do that because it would be horrible to 'offload' my son who does need help, travelling and cooking, cleaning and finances onto my daughters.

What's the answer? You tell me.

Show quote history

What’s the answer you say .

you Have had loads of advice and links to places that can give you advice, information about social care and still you ignore it and say what is the answer !

Raddix · 17/09/2022 20:17

I don’t think there’s a way you can force your ex to pay, nor should he have to. Neither you nor your ex should be supporting your adult son. If he’s unable to work then he’s entitled to claim benefits and care in his own right. If necessary he’s entitled to care which will help him live independently, he doesn’t need to be living with you at all. I find it very odd that he’s supposedly able to hold down a relationship and travel hundreds of miles to stay with a partner, but apparently can’t cook a hot meal?

Lennybenny · 17/09/2022 20:20

You should be thankful the ex paid until 21. He was within his rights to stop at 18. Why should he finance you being at home? Either find ds somewhere independent to live or get carers so you can work and bring in the income. Thats how it works, once your child is no longer a child you don't recieve anything for them. At least he's got some form of income (which you aren't using to pay for his keep apparently so it's no wonder you're skint). The rest of us have to work very long hours to pay for it all when the child is no longer a child.
You've had a 3rd child that at the age of 21 you've decided you don't want to look after him anymore but you want you dd to so you can go off and do your own thing. That's not how it works no matter how much we want it.

Thatsnotmycar · 17/09/2022 20:27

Lennybenny · 17/09/2022 20:20

You should be thankful the ex paid until 21. He was within his rights to stop at 18. Why should he finance you being at home? Either find ds somewhere independent to live or get carers so you can work and bring in the income. Thats how it works, once your child is no longer a child you don't recieve anything for them. At least he's got some form of income (which you aren't using to pay for his keep apparently so it's no wonder you're skint). The rest of us have to work very long hours to pay for it all when the child is no longer a child.
You've had a 3rd child that at the age of 21 you've decided you don't want to look after him anymore but you want you dd to so you can go off and do your own thing. That's not how it works no matter how much we want it.

As OP’s DS has an EHCP he is likely to have still been in full time non-advanced education post 18 therefore the ex would legally have to pay until 20.

bellac11 · 17/09/2022 20:31

None of that is clear actually, OP specifically didnt answer questions about post 18 planning either for living or education.

Thatsnotmycar · 17/09/2022 20:36

bellac11 · 17/09/2022 20:31

None of that is clear actually, OP specifically didnt answer questions about post 18 planning either for living or education.

Actually, it is clear, if you know the system. If DS wasn’t in education or was in advanced education he wouldn't still have an EHCP, it would have be ceased.