My ex is stopping money for his now 'independent' autistic son.

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Bit of a mix here, but I know that if it was posted on AIBU, I would get roasted.

So my ex is now stopping payment for my autistic son because he's 21 and of an age of independence. The reality is he still needs me to cook a hot meal for him, get him to appointments and travel hundreds of miles to see his partner.

He's got a one off child payment which amounts to £2,500 now he's 21 because of a child savings we set up when he was born - obviously it was a post university account but our son didn't go to university. He lives with me, I support him day to day. The household has an income of no more than £10,000 a year, but I do own the house. Ex has a household income that is above £100,000 a year.

I just feel this is unjust and he should pay until our son is fully living an independent life. Am I being unreasonable to request that he keep the not very substantial monthly contribution on? I find it most egregious given the cost of living crisis.

15% of people with Autism work. I wouldn't call that "a lot"

If he's capable of having a relationship he's capable of working
That's a totally ignorant statement. It's this kind of ablist attitude that destroys lives.
My dd has had it all her life "if you can do X you can do y" .
I have fought against crap like this for years on her behalf and as a result my daughter has followed her own path, at her pace and in her own direction. She is thriving and currently at work. But so many people , professionals included, thought she should follow their prescribed path which was a disaster. Utterly destroyed her.

So that makes it ok for you to do so now??

I was with you until you told us that you wanted to give responsibility of your son to his sister so you could go have your own life.

OP has been really evasive to very direct and clear questions re her sons level of care needs. I also suspect they are relatively low and she is just disappointed her ex doesn’t want to continue to contribute to her staying home, under the guise of caring.

She isn’t interested in encouraging independence in her son because she is co-dependent on him.

Please, do us all a big favour, and sit down and shut up. Seriously.

Eldest adult DS is profoundly autistic. Push for an adult social worker and try to access some kind of 'floating support' to help him maximise his life skills/ independance skills. Argue you are struggling with bills and need to downsize so your son could easily end up homeless. If he needed additional special education throw that up as well. MIND have been very helpful in helping my DS to access extra disability benefits and other services. That said the system did not really begin to sort out housing for son till he was 25 and tripped into the 'really an adult now' category. Try the UK's NAS and ask for advice around all this. www.autism.org.uk

Absolutely this.

I'm just going to say it's very very hard carrying the ongoing care for a young adult who is not going to reach independence. OP I totally get where you are coming from regarding how unfair the situation with your ex is much more than I would like to.

Apologies for sounding rude or speaking out of turn but from what's been written here, the poster suggests her son could be more independent and that is part of the reason her ex husband is refusing to pay. Also I work with a lot of autistic people who love their jobs and their independence, I appreciate this isnt for everyone with autism but I've found that often people with autism are actually much more able than their families give them credit for and in fact are happier when they have that different level of support and are treated less like children.

But regardless, maybe this man wouldn't be suitable for a job but there would be activities he can get involved in and places and groups that will help him and family for respite and take off some of the burden. I just dont understand why the ex husband should be forced to pay for his adult child... how much longer does it go on for? What is in the best interests of this man.... theres a very good chance he could be better off living in a supported housing scheme but the OP just seems to want financial support from her ex husband to leave her son to her daughters for the rest of their lives.

This is exactly what I think too. The son would likely be better off in a more supported living place and the reason the father is refusing to pay is that the son actually is fairly high functioning and he sees it more as he is paying for his ex wife rather than son.

Lots and lots of people with autism do not require any care whatsoever. I know autistic people who are incredibly successful and others who can’t wipe their own bottoms - to put it bluntly (those have other diagnoses too). OP gives absolutely no indication that her son wouldn’t be able to live independently. Who knows? Maybe she’s holding him back. Autism isn’t a blanket diagnoses that equates to helplessness.

' if he can make conversation and hold down a relationship, however innocent it is, surely he can pack bags at a supermarket? Many people with autism can have jobs or do some volunteer work or something. Is he non-verbal? What is his level of functioning? '

My son tried just that.
It involved six hourson shift ending in the kind of rapid meltdown with a box ripper that lead to the police calling me in to deal with.....never ever, ever again.

He has been in the most supported group for disability ever since.

A surface veneer of ability can hide from quick sight a whole lot of blown and rotten chipboard underneath. BTW he is profoundly autistic but bright. Its a letheal mix.

How independent is your, son is he capable of working
Obviously the autism spectrum is huge, would he qualify for PIP and ESA?

Why? Maybe my comment about getting a job was out of line but the rest of it I stand by.

The OP wants the ex husband to continue to pay and the daughters to take responsibility while she enjoys her retirement and is extremely evasive about the needs of her son. Sorry but what is best for her son and daughters both now and long term should be priority.

You seem to think that because your ex husband is a high earner that he must pay for your son indefinitely.

Why aren't you earning more? Is your son claiming everything that he should be?

Something isn't quite making sense here.

This is all I meant, I meant no offence by saying about him getting a job just that I think the question of how much help the son needs has been repeatedly ignored.

I work with loads of autistic people and they love their job and their supported living arrangements and are very happy. I know nothing about this OPs son but to assume everyone who has autism is incapable of any level of independence isnt correct either. Autism is a spectrum and some autistic people can work as surgeons others cant communicate and we have no proof of where on the spectrum OPs son is but I would hazard a guess that he is somewhere in the higher functioning category and at some point long term needs need to be addressed.

I genuinly apologise if I have offended anyone but to assume that everyone who has autism is unable to have a job is equally as discriminatory.

This may sound harsh - but I propose you take the advice on this thread.

actively work to get a pathway for your son which involves him either transitioning into independent living or residential care. I don’t know how realistic either are because you won’t answer questions about him.

you have had lots of advice about ensuring you are maximising the benefits available to you and your son.

tell your daughters it’s a very sweet offer but they need to live their lives - own their own homes, have children if they change their minds, move to another city or another country if they want, get married, get divorced, go back to full time education, have a career. Do you want them to be in your position Thirty years from now - bitter about not being able to have a career because they had to care for their brother? As others have pointed out this living situation will put a huge strain in their relationships.

speak to your ex husband and get him involved in the plan for his son. You won’t answer questions about whether they see each other.

you had your son at forty - did you work full time before then? What was your career? Can your son not be home alone? Contact social services to see if there is any help you can access to allow you to work more hours, have a social life etc.

stop focusing on your ex husband.

OP you cannot expect your dd to give up her job to take care of your son.

You say she would be happy to do this, but I wonder how much of her apparently agreement of the idea is genuine vs pressured.

What would happen when she is no longer able to take care of him?

If you dump all your responsibility on your “supportive” family, you may find they’re suddenly a whole lot less supportive.

Im not too sure what you want out of this thread tbh as you disagree with every useful post, and instead assert your family will take care of both you and your DS.

What would happen if DS did go live with DD and her partner, DD gives up her job and her partner leaves her?

Although thinking about it now, I agree with posters saying OP might be holding her son back, and that he either might be capable of more independence than OP is allowing/encouraging, or happier in a supported living environment.

Perhaps DD is happy to “care” for him, and will actually put this in place for him rather than replicating OPs role.

I'm holding him back?

I would love him to be independent so I can actually get up, move on and live my own life finally.

And yet, I'm told not to do that because it would be horrible to 'offload' my son who does need help, travelling and cooking, cleaning and finances onto my daughters.

What's the answer? You tell me.

OP, it sounds like you dont actually want help, you want your Ex to continue to support your son, and by extention, you.

I know its hard, but why would you want to subject your daughters to similar helplessness and financial strain? What if you son outlives you all?

You havent been clear about what kind of care needs your son has, but you really need to think about futute planning.

What does your DS do all day? Does he access some kind of service? Day centre, PA support?

There’s lots of knowledgable people on this thread who are armed with the information to assist you in finding your answer, but they need something more to go of and hence, have asked for clarification.

If you give an idea of his care needs you’ll get some help.

Alternatively if you just wanted to vent about your ex and not share those details, that’s your right, but don’t expect people to join in if they’re not sure they agree.

But replacing your role in his life with your DDs would not make him any more independent, he would just be equally dependent on a different person?

Do you do any of the like skills type work with him they would do in a supported living home?

Also does his GF have any disabilities, how is she cared for? Perhaps her parents could help with some ideas for what they’ve got planned for the future

But how high functioning is your son? Why wont you answer that?

Would he be capable of learning new skills?

You cannot offload him on other family members that is not their responsibility. You can however get help from social workers and find out what type of supported living would suit him- why are you so against that?

Then you need to follow some of the advice on this thread, if you do truly want him to be independent.

Contact your local adult SS team. Ask for an assessment of his needs and yours as a carer. This should help to open doors for you, so that even if he cannot access work, he can access services.