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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has had an affair

418 replies

Pippa49 · 16/09/2022 11:12

Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

OP posts:
ThisUserNameIsAvailableOk · 17/09/2022 15:18

"If it's never been more than talking what's happened when he's been at her house with her dining table?"

His answer will be she mentioned she had one when really he's been at it on said table 🙄. Predictable

0live · 17/09/2022 15:20

Pippa49 · 17/09/2022 15:12

I found two more flower orders today with the messages below …..it’s never ending pain but the decision I need to make is clearer, just need to get planning and organising. Thanks all….

The toughest part in making the decision and not looking back. Knowing that he is the one who ended your marriage- all you are doing is ending the living arrangements .

Once you start to act it’s easier.

Im so sorry @Pippa49 I know how painful this is.

Original poster
Pippa49 · 17/09/2022 15:24

He said she moved house and talked about and shared details oh the house - I don’t believe it

OP posts:
Ryder68 · 17/09/2022 15:32

Why are you still listening to his bullshit? Why is he still there?

Colourmeclear · 17/09/2022 15:47

It wouldn't matter one iota to me if he had slept with the other women, it would just be more fuel on a fire that was already burning.

Organisation, secrecy, duplicity, emotions and thoughts about her cost time and energy. He's invested that time and energy into pursuing a relationship with someone else with a level of intimacy emotional, physical or otherwise that (presumably) was reserved for you. Now to top it all off he has stolen your time and your energy because you are having to deal with the fallout of his actions.

I am accomodating and I am fair but I will not be betrayed. Which is exactly what he has done. You deserve much better. You deserve it consistently and you deserve it forever.

ThisUserNameIsAvailableOk · 17/09/2022 15:49

Come on OP, do this for your daughter. He's just another lying, pathetic snake.

millymog11 · 17/09/2022 15:55

OP.
I have nothing to add apart from that I have been there. I love you. I understand your posts. If you want to direct mail me it is ok. You will be ok. x

BadNomad · 17/09/2022 15:59

Aww bless. Look how cute he's being by saying "I love you" without saying "I love you".

Asshole.

LetHimHaveIt · 17/09/2022 16:08

'And I, well I kind of, you know,
well I don't have to say really
do l!!'

Bleurgh. What utter twats men become when they're enmeshed like this. Revolting.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 17/09/2022 16:23

A

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 17/09/2022 16:29

So he loves her.

Get him out of your house now, OP. You need space and time to think clearly about your next steps. (Solicitor, etc).

Get yourself to the GP for antidepressants, it will
help with your anxiety and sleeplessness.

Lottapianos · 17/09/2022 16:29

'He said she moved house and talked about and shared details oh the house - I don’t believe it'

You're getting there. The shock is slowly melting and youre getting clarity on what a cruel, spineless liar he is. The next stage for you will be entirely justifiable rage. God I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please lean in to the support you have on here. Have you told anyone in real life, any friends?

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 17/09/2022 16:31

Last night he said. it started when he felt I wasn’t listening to him and she did.

BANG! Straight out of “the script”. It’s always your fault. You didn’t pay him enough attention. Waaaa.

Alcemeg · 17/09/2022 16:35

And I, well I kind of, you know, well I don't have to say really do l!!
...meaning no need to say what has already clearly been demonstrated one way or another.

So sorry you're going through this OP, it must be hell. But better than being married to a cheat and not realising it. Imagine finding out in 20 years' time!

Like PPs, I hope your daughter knows how much she has helped you, and is not just agonising over the pain she might worry that she has caused you. He caused it, no one else.

0live · 17/09/2022 17:22

I predict that when you tell him to move out he will stop crying and ramp up on the blame game.

“ Well yes I might have made a monetary mistake / error of judgement but I think you need to look at your part here. You were too busy with your work / our sick child to pay me enough attention. OW gave me time, love and attention, it wasn’t physical at all. We had a deep spiritual connection that I would have loved to have with you, but you wouldn’t let me in. I think we are both at fault here, it’s not black and white “.

“ I understand that you are angry because of my teeny tiny mistake but I can’t believe you are going to destroy our marriage and our children's lives just to punish me for what you imagine I’ve done. That’s just vindictive. “

Im just saying this to warn you OP. It will be less hurtful if you are prepared for it and know that it’s complete and utter BS. They will say anything to blame shift.

Remember that he’s had two years of practising this story in his head / with OW. That’s how they can both live with with themselves - they are Special and have Reasons that mean their relationship is Pure and Good and not like other peoples taudry affairs. Your being a inadequate wife is an essential underpinning of that narrative.

You need to be prepared because when he turns from guilty apologetic husband to attacker you will feel like you’ve been punched in the stomach.

Courgettecity · 17/09/2022 17:50

I would also wonder OP why he took so long to finish it. He has told her he loves her, she has form for married men, I wonder if when you found out he was actually hoping OW and he would make a go of it, and actually she dumped him.

I worked with a serial OW, she loved being spoilt, the sneaky sex, the chase, admitted this, she also loved going back to her own house and never wanted a full relationship. Any time her current affair partner got too intense, they got dumped.

As others have said, I think his sadness is grief at losing her and panic that he might find himself without anyone.

Do it for your daughter if not for you, show her to value herself, he has put her in the terrible position of having to blow her mum’s world up. He’s a shit and you are worth so much more.

Original poster
Pippa49 · 17/09/2022 19:42

Really appreciate all the messages of support and advice - I need head space and time to think and plan

OP posts:
cabansunset · 17/09/2022 20:21

If there is any hope of continuing with your marriage he needs to provide complete disclosure.
Open access to bank accounts, emails, messages etc. maybe an open talk with OW as she will have all their messages saved.

I'm sorry, he's lying. Isn't what you know already enough to leave him?

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

LiftyLift · 17/09/2022 20:32

You really don’t need any more “evidence” of this. He’s in love with another woman. That’s enough for you to LTB.

MrsPerfect12 · 17/09/2022 22:12

Don't let in on your him your plans. Try and see a solicitor for advise and start planning your exit. Take the time to gather your thoughts you're still in shock. Wishing you all the best.

Original poster
Pippa49 · 17/09/2022 22:15

Haven’t told anyone - am so ashamed and embarrassed.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 17/09/2022 22:26

Pippa49 · 17/09/2022 22:15

Haven’t told anyone - am so ashamed and embarrassed.

Don’t be! You really have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It’s not your actions that have caused this, it’s his.

If one of your friends confided in you and told you she’d just found out from her child that her husband was having an affair, would you be ashamed of her? Because I certainly wouldn’t. No one would. No one will think less or negatively of you.

You don’t have to tell anyone the details, just please confide in a trusted friend or family member because you need support.

Keeping your emotions in, bottling everything up and pretending to the outside world that nothing is wrong will do so much damage.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 17/09/2022 22:35

LetHimHaveIt · 17/09/2022 16:08

'And I, well I kind of, you know,
well I don't have to say really
do l!!'

Bleurgh. What utter twats men become when they're enmeshed like this. Revolting.

What a load of juvenile bollocks.

Pippa, get rid of the piece of scum.

Jewel7 · 17/09/2022 23:01

In terms of emotional affair I have been there. He wasn’t very discreet. It took me ages to try and understand. As he made me feel so confused. I was imagining it etc etc. Then we went for counselling and he admitted they were emotionally supporting each other. We are now on a break. I feel like I can breathe. I didn’t rush. Or kick him out I took my time to get my head round things. But that’s just me. I would suggest journaling and to get yourself some counselling as first steps. Space and a break may be wise also. I hope your ok it will get easier.

Angrymum22 · 17/09/2022 23:33

Please talk to someone you can trust in real life. You can’t deal with this alone. No one will judge you.