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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has had an affair

418 replies

Pippa49 · 16/09/2022 11:12

Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

OP posts:
Wheresthebeach · 18/09/2022 16:51

You have all the proof you need OP. Those messages say it all. I don’t believe for a minute they haven’t had sex but the emotional connection they have is more than enough reason to end the marriage. I don’t think he’s being honest with you at all. Chuck him out.

ShowTime80 · 18/09/2022 18:12

Agree with the pp who suggested you use this time to make sure you get your finances in order, money for yourself and your DD. He could be stashing your joint money or something.

WelshMoth · 19/09/2022 09:09

I'm sorry OP.

Should this be happening to your DC, how would you advise them?

Your 16 especially has done The hardest thing in her life by telling you. She knew it spelt the end of your marriage, yet she found the courage. Don't let it be for nothing.

Your husband is lying to you.

Ratherperplexed · 20/09/2022 15:11

How are you OP?

Cheminaufaules · 20/09/2022 15:29

@Pippa49 you are not being self-centred.
It is entirely possible he never had a physical affair. Although extremely unlikely. But it is possible because it sounds like this is so much more about him than it is about any other woman. Could he be struggling with getting older? Could he be nostalgic for the past and is just using this OW as an object upon which to project his idealisations?

XJerseyGirlX · 20/09/2022 15:36

It doesn't matter if he has shagged her . The presents are just as bad in a way.

Sally49 · 23/09/2022 12:00

I've now found evidence of them meeting for lunch and meeting up for walks locally on days when I have been at work. Also, he has registered with an estate agent and is searching for 2 bed properties in the local area. I think he's making plans.....

LiftyLift · 23/09/2022 12:31

Sorry to hear this. Make sure you get your finances in order too, don’t underestimate him.

justasking111 · 23/09/2022 13:05

Sally49 · 23/09/2022 12:00

I've now found evidence of them meeting for lunch and meeting up for walks locally on days when I have been at work. Also, he has registered with an estate agent and is searching for 2 bed properties in the local area. I think he's making plans.....

Don't think he's checked out. He has

welshrainbow1 · 23/09/2022 13:16

I'm so sorry to read what you are going through.

I feel for your daughter, I was the one who discovered my Dad was messaging other women, it's an awful situation to be in and I don't think I'll ever fully forgive him for putting me in that position. It would have been incredibly difficult for your daughter.

Take your time to process everything, seek legal advice and do what you feel is right for you. Reassure your daughter that she did the right thing and don't be embarrassed, you did nothing wrong. x

christmas2022 · 23/09/2022 13:27

Sally49 · 23/09/2022 12:00

I've now found evidence of them meeting for lunch and meeting up for walks locally on days when I have been at work. Also, he has registered with an estate agent and is searching for 2 bed properties in the local area. I think he's making plans.....

So sorry to hear this. He needs to be fully open with you. How did you find out?

Paigeycakey · 23/09/2022 13:31

Oh dear OP. Do you get expensive gifts and dine out at restaurants usually with your DH?

I do not know what more your looking for here. It must of been pretty blatant for your own daughter to go searching her dad's laptop! He would have to move out at least by now. I would of calmly called the OW to confirm if they have had sex or not.... its likely though!

ImperfectAlf · 23/09/2022 13:34

I adore my DH deeply but if I found those messages and the evidence you DO have, it wouldn't matter to me whether he had fucked her or not.

He'd be gone.

How could you ever look at him in the same way ever again?

You couldn't. Your marriage as you knew and trusted it has gone.

I'm so sorry OP

This is how I feel.
My father did this. I was 14 when I found out. I agonised about whether to tell my mum. I did and felt really disappointed when she believed him over me.

They finally divorced 4 years later but my relationship with mum has never been the same.

Put your child first

Koyto · 23/09/2022 15:06

You will keep finding things out the more and longer you dig I'm afraid, I mean this in the nicest way- how much more do you think you need to know? At this point you are only causing more pain on yourself, what you already know is devastating enough😔 I hope he's moved out by now so you at least have some space x

PeterRabbitagain · 23/09/2022 15:27

Surely you don't wish him to have the upper hand and be looking at flats for himself and his girlfriend etc? Surely you want to put yourself and your daughter first and get your "ducks in a row" and chuck him out?

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 23/09/2022 17:35

Why've you changed your name from Pippa to Sally? My cat's name is Pippa!

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 23/09/2022 18:20

Sally49 · 23/09/2022 12:00

I've now found evidence of them meeting for lunch and meeting up for walks locally on days when I have been at work. Also, he has registered with an estate agent and is searching for 2 bed properties in the local area. I think he's making plans.....

Oh bugger.
You really have to lock everything down before he whisks it out from under your nose. The 'regretful mistake' card was strategic to keep you off balance and divert your attention to buy extra time while he maneuvered his plans. 😭
I really hope you have real life support op.

BirdinaHedge · 23/09/2022 18:43

Make sure you have control of any family or joint money. Do NOT give him the chance to use family money to set up a flat etc.

Ratherperplexed · 23/09/2022 20:29

He's not sorry one little bit, or having regrets or is full of remorse over his supposed 'emotional only' affair. He is merely buying time, getting his ducks in a row if looking for rental properties since you discovered his cheating and confronted him. Actions like this are calculated and planned. No doubt misappropriating family money.

Please @Pippa49 @Sally49 - protect yourself. Get your ducks in a row. This man is not your friend. He is not the man you married and will continue to hurt you until your heart catches up with your head and you realise it is highly unlikely your marriage can be salvaged and repaired. He has shown you who he is, believe him!

Sally49 · 24/09/2022 17:31

I actually asked the restaurants appearing on his bank account for receipts

catscutewhiskers · 24/09/2022 18:58

Think about the example you setting for your daughter if you stay. Would you want her to stay with someone who did this to her- if not you know what you should do.

Sally49 · 24/09/2022 20:39

I challenged him - apparently didn’t go to lunch with OW but with a colleague when he was really low….

Ratherperplexed · 24/09/2022 20:46

Sally49 · 24/09/2022 17:31

I actually asked the restaurants appearing on his bank account for receipts

Why on earth are you obsessing about what you already know in your heart?? He's lying to you @Sally49 not only about supposed cancelled dinner dates but his whole involvement with affair partner. He is minimising, doing damage limitation, possibly buying time whilst he gets ducks lined up or continues to cake eat? Are you being distracted with minutiae? Fiddling whilst Rome burns?

justasking111 · 24/09/2022 20:55

Perhaps the rental property is for @Sally49 rather than him.

KateADM · 24/09/2022 20:57

Sally49 · 24/09/2022 20:39

I challenged him - apparently didn’t go to lunch with OW but with a colleague when he was really low….

This excuse doesn't align with the searches for 2 bedroom flats. I know you must still be in shock, but as PPs have said, please think of what your daughter has put herself through to help you and find the strength to take some type of action. ❤