Husband has had an affair

[Pippa49]

Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

Has he apologised unreservedly ? You don't actually say.

Men don't have 2 year relationships without sex. Was he sleeping with you at the same time ?

Is he sleeping in the spare room? Making his own food and doing his own laundry?

Talks cheap, isn't it. According to him him only talked to her for two whole years...

yep sleeping with me all that time….

yep very apologetic…

still insisting there was no physical relationship or meet ups outside of work although the Michelin star restaurant has a record of his booking. He said he called and cancelled

any idea whether deleted messages can be restored?

Gosh so sorry didn’t mean to post this here!

Have reported to have removed. So sorry for all you are going through. Xx

How many Michelin star restaurants has he booked for you two in the past few years? He's such a disgrace

Please say don't still believe the bullshit about not having sex with her

Morning 🌼I can't stop watching this thread as it's so close to what happened to me, everything you feel could have been me writing it 3 years ago. Just to say that so many people are giving you such good advice here ❤
It's hard not to focus your anger on her isn't it, for a while I admit I went a bit crazy when it all came out, 3 years later I still wish I could smash her face in when I see her but then I also feel the same way about my ex too 😂. She helped my ex hurt me in the most cruel way but a point came where I realised she had no commitment to me or my children, even now I think she did a skanky thing to another woman, helped destroy a whole family- but she couldn't have done any of that unless my ex had allowed her into our life, HE was the reason I even had to think about her at all.
The thing that hurt more than anything for me is that the man you live with, the one you knew inside and out, shared intimate details with, saw you at your most vulnerable, shared your precious life moments with - has betrayed you so callously like your heart means fuck all to him. The man you married is gone, he doesn't exist anymore and I really struggled with that bit, I felt very embarrassed, used, duped and stupid. Your husband has been emotionally disconnecting from you for 2 years but you haven't, of course you can't undo that overnight, you're still married to the man who couldn't possibly do something like that to you, right? That's an inconceivable thought, right? But he did it, every little moment of your life together for 2 years tainted, I know that's a very painful thought to process. He couldn't have made what he thinks of you more clear, the fact he has sneaked around for 2 years shows that he knew you would be devastated and heart broken, yet he still did it. That is not a love that you deserve, you seem such a lovely and intelligent lady.

Have you asked him to move out for a while to give you some space to process? Having him there is not going to help you think clearly about what you want to do. You will find with quiet reflection you will start to think of little moments over the 2 years that were clues to him disconnecting from you, they are there to find and will help you understand what you need to do. I still find these moments nearly 3 years later and I know I made the right decision!. You'll continue to be in my thoughts, look after yourself and your daughter x

Last night he said. it started when he felt I wasn’t listening to him and she did. But hr added that our relationship has been better over the last year - but this is the period when the gifts ramped up in cost and regularity

OP I would ask him to leave, to allow you time to think, a month minimum. You do not need to decide anything quickly.

I don't believe a word he's saying. He has been lying to you for two years, there is no reason to believe he hasn't shagged her or he's ended it. You are an intelligent woman, from what I can see. Do you honestly believe he cancelled all the reservations? And just kept making them, to cancel more?

If he's ended it there should be no reason why you cant see his bank statements, and he should now be open with his phone...however what kind of relationship will it be now? Do you have any lawyer friends who do family law? If so, I would start getting things in order...

My DH began an EA during lockdown. I noticed within weeks something was different and “investigated”. I confronted him and he confessed all. It was tough but we worked through it.
I don’t believe in Karma but it seems that OW’s life has suffered more, she has become a stalker. I know that DH is not engaging with her, he had a stroke not long after ( he’s only late 50s) and life has turned upside down for us.

I was very hurt by the EA, in some ways it would have been better if it had just been sex. But our relationship is now very different, health problems have reinforced it, we have a very different future. There is a very small part of me that wishes I’d kicked him out and that it would now be OW’s life permanently changed by the stroke.
I forgave him but forgetting is almost impossible. We still talk about it but not in an emotional context. Getting past the pain is difficult, only you can decide your future. You will be judged whatever your decision.
Take your time, whatever decisions you will not be set in stone. I would see a solicitor to just get an idea about how divorce/separation would affect you. They won’t pressure you into making a quick decision but at least you can look at options.
The difficult part is trying to live together with your children still around while you sort it out. The sheer anger I felt at times made it difficult to be around DH, and as it was during the first year of Covid there was no where to go. Maybe having no escape helped us work it all out.

He's blaming you for his behaviour.

Really think about what you want in tye long term. I agree that you might need some space. I'd consider asking him to leave to give you some space.

@Pippa49

What has he said about your poor daughter finding out?

And crucially what has he said to her about it?

What have you said to her about it?

I've been her and I wasn't brave enough to tell.

She's really been through the mill and I'm curious what conversations he and you have both had with her since disclosure?

Well if you know who she is, then get in touch with her or better still, find out where she lives, turn up on her door step and very calmly tell her that you know she's been shagging your husband. Demand to know how often where she has been shagging him. Her reaction will be the proof you're looking for and might be what you need to get very fucking angry. Massive hugs to you and your children. I agree with what everyone else has said. Get practical, pack a bag for him, tell him to get out, get the deeds, mortgage savings account etc info and get to a solicitor on Monday (well Tuesday) morning, first thing. You deserve so much better and you know it deep down.

You want to find proof he didn't sleep with her. That's impossible.

So you have to trust him. From your description he's not a man I would trust.

I would expect to see full bank and credit card statements. If he's unwilling it's because they contain evidence of further lies. Eg restaurant bills.

I don't know if you can recover messages. But have you looked on his Google maps? It shows everywhere you've been on any date.

I'm sorry for what he's done to you and your family. I couldn't even consider staying in this marriage.

Actions speak louder than words. He didn’t need to buy her gifts or spend money on her, but he did. Maybe she manipulated him, but more fool him. You’ve not done anything wrong. He’s a grown man, responsible for his actions.

Haha my god, aren't they all so full of shit. Since when would a bloke start spilling his private emotions to a rep who occasionally pops into his work because he needed someone to "listen"? 😂😂

Never. That's when.

He fancied her, they flirted, he sent a text to test the waters, it became flirty until it turned into a drink. Then a kiss. Then sexting. Then a shag. Then a bunch of flowers. Then a relationship. Then love. (He crying over her not you or his poor kids btw).

Jesus Christ. So tragically predictable

I’m so sorry OP but trying to recover any deleted messages won’t make you feel any better.

It’s over. You will not be able to possibly trust him after this.

He has no respect for you or your children. He doesn’t care about your feelings or his childrens feelings. He only cares about himself. Sad, selfish man.

Dont keep thinking about the OW. Her workplace. How she sleeps about. (Because so does your H). You will make yourself ill with the constant obsessing.

It’s time to throw him out, get legal advice (can you access some through work?) and be a good role model for your DD. Because her father certainly isn’t.

'he said it started when he felt I wasn’t listening to him'

Grrrr this made me mad! He's trying to make you feel like it's your fault.

It is NOT your fault. The fault lies squarely with him, and him only.

' I had to get my penis out and wave it around near a woman I work with because I felt you didn't listen to me'

Twat.

I found two more flower orders today with the messages below …..it’s never ending pain but the decision I need to make is clearer, just need to get planning and organising. Thanks all….

If it's never been more than talking what's happened when he's been at her house with her dining table?

Doesn't have to say it because she already knows. He's shown her.

Yuk. Get rid OP. You can do so much better and it will get easier. Erase her from your mind (hard I know) and focus on your kids (and rinsing the fucker for all he's worth)