Husband has had an affair

[Pippa49]

Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

Please view him for who he is at present. He will still be lying and minimising, anything he has told you at this stage will usually be the tip of the iceberg, he will only admit what he thinks he has to and he will minimise the lot of it. Do not assume that he is not contacting her either. If he wants you to believe him (his word is worthless currently) then you need to see him being willing to give you unfettered access to anything and everything you want. His phone, all tech, passwords to accounts, agree to add himself to ‘find my iPhone’ etc. If he is reticent to do any of the above there will only be one reason for it. Do not make the mistake I did initially of believing the first version of events and that he had gone non-contact. Affairs end messily, very few end with a clean break. Take care of yourself and decide what you want to do, don’t let anyone else persuade or shame you into doing anything you don’t want to do, but until he proves he’s a safe partner and the affair is over, assume that he is not and it isn’t. Protect yourself and try not to dwell on the ridiculous messages, that’s an idiot man deep in his affair fantasy bullshit and nothing a good dose of reality won’t cure. X

The other scenario from the script at this stage is he plays the victim instead of getting angry. Guilts her about breaking the family up, not giving him the chance to make right to her after what he views now as all a massive mistake and poor decisions on his part. He will act the little boy lost, realising how much OP means to him. Yawn zzzz! What this does is put pressure on you to reconcile/give him another chance etc. However it is all empty words. He wasn't sorry when he was doing it only sorry once he's been caught out.

I'm very sorry but from experience and depth of his involvement I highly suspect he's not ended it at all, cooled it maybe for time being, put her on back burner until he has got you sucked back in and under control again. He will in a few weeks give you a hard time if you mention the affair, hoping it can all be swept under the carpet and he can return to OW who is his primary partner and love interest, thus relegating you to OW status again.

If you give an inch this man will continue to manipulate and lie to you. HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

You may find this all hard to believe as you are judging your views and decisions still on the man you thought you knew, not the man he has shown to be. I am so dreadfully sorry OP. I feel your pain and know that sadly there is only one way you will ever feel whole again and that is by getting rid of the cheating low life. You and your children deserved better, so much better and this all feels like a nightmare you just wish you could wake up from or run away from.

I have been in your shoes and would not wish this on my worst enemy. I did contact OW and we chatted for several hours. Of course he had minimised everything about their relationship to me including the sex, depth of affair and all the intimate details. I was utterly heartbroken, came home and was physically sick at what I'd heard. I then drank myself unconcious, howling and raging like a baby on the bathroom floor through the night. If I hadn't been so drunk, I would have selfishly thrown myself on the local train tracks. I just couldn't get my head round it all. What you are going through is the most horrific betrayal, a pain akin to losing someone through death. None of this is your fault at all. It was his decision alone to cheat. Never for one minute forget that.

For your own sanity, you need some space between you. I would also do the 180 as it will help you cope: beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

If you know who the OW is I would contact her to get a truer picture of the affair and if indeed he has ended it with her, but keep your own counsel whilst talking to her. She is not your friend either. You might not like what you hear but at least it will give you clarity. Most betrayed wives/ partners do need to know to get an understanding and for many this helps to make that essential decision to move on.

Really routing for you @Pippa49 and hoping you can absorb some of the sage advice from other Mumsnetters on this thread who have all been in your shoes.

Without sounding disrespectful, what are you wanting from here? This man is the biggest piece of scum I can imagine and he’s playing you for an absolute fool. Pack his bags, don’t speak to him, and walk away. Just start to feel the anger as you realise what an absolute twat he’s being by taking you for a mug! How dare he! Use that anger and don’t let him catch him. Good luck xx

Aggghh! Don’t let him back him! xx

Op, while you try to gather your thoughts please protect yourself financially, it occurs that all his appeasement might just be buying him time to pre-empt the inevitable and move money, close accounts etc... Just make sure you have access to everything you should and he's not stealthily taking advantage of your confusion. He's shown where his loyalty lies and it isn't with you. 😔

your kids shared this with you. Think about how hard this secret must have been on them and the impact of you do nothing

OP some of these posts must sound very hard to read. I just want to give you flowers and a hug.

Ratherperplexed · Yesterday 23:43
Good post. Hope you are feeling better now. xx

Sorry OP for the betrayal. He spent a small fortune on gifts and probably hours on the phone to her and he is saying it wasn't a physical relationship? In my experience men only do this when they are 'getting' something or want to get something sex. He booked restaurants and then cancelled them? Doesn't make sense. She has form for having affairs but only had an emotional relationship with him? Right. You find out and he tells you that he was conveniently ending it anyway - right. He has done a cover-up and deleted communication so you can't check facts. Really? 🙄

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's a duck. He has had an affair. Not only has he betrayed you and your family, he is now continuing to do this by lying and making you doubt yourself. I expect you know this in your heart of hearts but just don't want it to be true.

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose ·

Op, while you try to gather your thoughts please protect yourself financially, it occurs that all his appeasement might just be buying him time to pre-empt the inevitable and move money, close accounts etc... Just make sure you have access to everything you should and he's not stealthily taking advantage of your confusion. He's shown where his loyalty lies and it isn't with you. 😔

^^ This with knobs on

"only had an emotional relationship with him?"
That is enough. Infact an "emotional relationship" is the kerosene. Often times you don't need much more.

You need the complete truth before you can decide anything. He needs to show you everything.

At least 50% of men cannot commit long term. They just do not. They are cheaters.

An emotional affair is enough. More than enough. It means he is seriously committed to looking somewhere else. I would re direct 110% of your enery on yourself.

Is that an official statistic or your assumption? A fair one most likely but just wondered it theirs anything to back it up apart from generally know what half of men are like. (Arseholes)

You could state that if he could go two years being unfaithful to you as that IS absolutely what happened here, and he cannot be truthful to you now, but you later find out there was more to the story, there will be no more discussion he will be GONE.

I for one hope he will be gone anyway but you never know this threat might tease out a tiny detail more.

No need to be ashamed or embarrassed, it wasn’t you f*+king another.
Get him out while you sort out your head.

The shame is all theirs op.

Yes, me too. Some of the comments are gratuitously blunt. It would be weird if this shocking news didn't knock you for 6. It takes time to reconcile your outlook to a complete 180 of what you thought you had. Hope you have some rl support op for you and your children. 💐

I don't have any advice to add, but I feel your pain and I'm so sorry

andI feel for your DD. Isn't she amazing! Intelligent, brave and strong

Also do not ask/expect your daughter to keep this secret any longer.

She's done enough. She needs to talk too. And not be made to feel shame or guilt. Shes an absolute hero. Tell people. The shame is all his.

I wonder if he's done it before.

Thank you @millymog11 and yes I'm in a much better place now 18mths on. I refuse to let those very dark days of betrayal, disrespect and heartbreak define and ruin my life.

Yes my DD is amazing - I need to turn my attention to her. Having re-read this thread, I realise that I have been far too self-centred and have been wallowing in my own hurt, pain and grief.....knowing you've been living a lie for two years is hard, and also coming to terms with my DH of 20 years actually doing this to me and our family is going to take some time.

Pippa49 - that’s understandable. You’ve had a lot to take in. The man you thought you knew and trusted has been leading a secret life, and that’s bound to unsettle you and everything you knew.

Wishing you and your dc all the best for the future.

Don’t be hard on yourself, you’re suffering from shock and sometimes you need to ‘put on your own mask before you help others’. I’m sure you are a great source of comfort and support to your daughter. If you have decided that this is definitely insurmountable, then that is perfectly understandable. If you are confused and still in two minds, then that is what my advice above was about. On paper at face value these things are no -brainers, but if you need time to decide what you want to do, then take it. There is no shame in walking away and also none in wanting to try to save the marriage and keep the family together. The latter is a very hard road to travel, even if you know the end result is worth it. It has to depend on many, many things, plus a lot of stamina and a lot of hard work on his part, as to how he got to a point in his life where he could justify and maintain an affair, what he is going to do about it, what he has learned, and how he is going to conduct himself in the future. At present, however, he will be in pure panic and damage limitation mode, even if he sincerely wants to save his marriage. Whether or not this is physical (I strongly suspect that it is, however) as well as emotional, isn’t really the point. The point is that he has chosen to let this woman loom large in his life for two years and he needs to know that staying with you (if that’s what you decide) means she is gone for good, no communication of any sort whatsoever. Forever. No “how are you?” and no “just a friend”. He needs to ask himself honestly for all concerned whether he can do this. At present if he is fence sitting and she is in the background, here are some red flags: he will be reluctant to talk about affair details, (making up crap and remembering it all is very hard and stressful so they say as little as they can get away with) get angry when you bring it up and try to guilt you for asking questions eg “I’ve told you it’s over! Why keep raking it up?”. He will be very protective of his phone, or leaving it switched off, or face down, or leaving it in his pocket or in the car when he gets home, “Did I? I didn’t realise where it was!”. He will be refusing financial transparency and refusing to be on any shared app which shows his location. All this will be accompanied with “Poor me! I’ve told you it’s over, why don’t you trust me? You’re never going to get over this/ stop throwing it back in my face when I’ve said I’m sorry and you know I love you.. etc etc”. Insist on the truth, openness, honesty and transparency. He has to earn his right to privacy back. He used the right to privacy you quite rightly trusted him with to deceive and betray you in the worst way possible. If he wants to be your husband then he gets his privacy back when you think he can be trusted with it. End of. Take care OP, this is so painful and feels like the rug got pulled from under everything sacred to you. Sending hugs X