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Original poster

Sex after affair discovery

180 replies

dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 20:09

DH and I are both mid forties, been together 20 years.

Just under a year ago I found out he’d was seeing a woman ten years younger and had been for over a year. Full on emotional and physical affair. He’d become distant, moody and I found out after a bit of digging.

We ultimately decided to stay together for DCs. I wouldn’t say it has been easy, in fact it’s been total hell at times. For the most part things are at a point of relative stability.

My reason for posting today is that one of the main issues we have right now is around sex. I know some couples go through a ‘hysterical bonding’ phase. Well, we never had that. We’ve tried to have sex a couple of times since D-day, hardly at all, I found it too traumatic. DH didn’t seem too interested either and hasn’t pushed it. I’m obviously feeling horrible, comparing myself to OW. After a lot of pressing and arguing he admitted she was more his physical type and we’re not alike. I just don’t feel like he’s interested in me in that way at all.

It’s kind of the elephant in the room. I worry if we don’t get this back on track he will have another affair. He says he won’t but I still worry. He just doesn’t seem interested in regaining that intimacy and our sex life wasn’t great before to be honest.

Anyone else had any experience of this, or sex after an affair generally? Is it time to just call it a day if this can’t be recovered? I don’t even know if I still fancy him because I’m so hurt over the affair, or if I just feel the need to ‘fix’ this so he doesn’t go elsewhere, and I also just feel like he doesn’t desire me anymore which is making me so insecure.

TIA x

OP posts:
Imissmoominmama · 10/09/2022 20:12

Honestly? This will destroy you from the inside out.

Do you even want him to touch you, or is it because you think he’ll cheat if you don’t?

JackandVera · 10/09/2022 20:12

This is no way to live your life. You deserve to have a man who wants to be with you and you only. Sex? I couldn't even find a suitable card to give my ex H after discovery never mind sex.

Original poster
dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 20:15

@Imissmoominmama I suppose a bit of both. I want to feel desired by him, but when we’ve tried I just can’t get the image of him with her out of my head and I feel like he isn’t particularly enthusiastic about it, and then I wonder if I’m imagining it, as he tried to reassure me.

but either way I find it hard to relax and just don’t know if it will ever get better or if it’s still early days.

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 10/09/2022 20:15

I’d just agree to stay together for the sake of dc and appearances and take sex off the table. Let him go. He’s a cheating shit.

Aeio · 10/09/2022 20:17

Leave him. The kids will sense your unhappiness despite your efforts, you're doing them no favours by staying.

User0610134057 · 10/09/2022 20:19

I’m so sorry OP you must have been through so much

my first thought is, why are you doing this to yourself?

OldEnoughToHaveReadBunty · 10/09/2022 20:22

Honestly, I think this may be too much to cope with. He has told you he fancies his OW more than you & is now not making the required effort to reassure you & re-establish intimacy with you.

Sex isn't everything for sure, but I think this will always hurt you deeply. You deserve to be with someone who sees you as the most attractive person in their world.

Being alone is a million times better than constantly feeling second best in your own marriage.

Hopeandlove · 10/09/2022 20:22

So a man you were loyal to invested in another woman and had loving sex with her and pushed you away - didn’t have the guts to tell you anything except he doesn’t find you physically attractive but fancied the pants off her and you want to be with him why?? Get Some respect and a backbone and love yourself!

Original poster
dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 20:28

@OldEnoughToHaveReadBunty Ithink it was trying to offer some kind of explanation as to why it happened (amongst others) he didn’t say it in a way as to be deliberately hurtful if that makes sense (although obviously it was).
he didn’t say he fancied her more exactly, more she was different physically and more his type but that he wasn’t trying to draw comparisons.
he says he doesn’t want to push the intimacy issue and make me uncomfortable but I think it’s a bit of an excuse and actually he isn’t hugely bothered? In the early days, sure but it’s been nearly a year. Don’t know if this is ‘normal’…

OP posts:
yougotthelook · 10/09/2022 20:30

dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 20:15

@Imissmoominmama I suppose a bit of both. I want to feel desired by him, but when we’ve tried I just can’t get the image of him with her out of my head and I feel like he isn’t particularly enthusiastic about it, and then I wonder if I’m imagining it, as he tried to reassure me.

but either way I find it hard to relax and just don’t know if it will ever get better or if it’s still early days.

This is no way to live.
Find your own path...on your own...and eventually you will meet someone who does love and desire you...like you deserve x
Please don't let this destroy you.,.you deserve so much better xxxxx
Sending love x

Summerslam · 10/09/2022 20:34

You deserve better than this. You know that. Kick him to the kerb. The children will cope. Far better to be happy apart than unhappy together. Call it a day and put yourself first.

Bananarama21 · 10/09/2022 20:36

Your flogging a dead horse. He's not interested in you op if he was he would be making an effort with you instead he says ow was more physically his type.

SavingsThreads · 10/09/2022 20:41

Is it possible that this is rooted in the fact that you've decided to stay together, rather than him being apologetic and desperate to be with you?

How did you find out?

And are the children still young?

Original poster
dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 20:41

@Bananarama21 He’s made a huge effort in every other way. That isn’t the issue.
He did say that but as explained above not to be deliberately hurtful. I think to try and explain and give a ‘reason’ for the affair, amongst others.
just posting for advice/opinions and to see whether others have been through this and if it can be regained, or if as it’s been a while there’s not huge hopes for this aspect of our relationship recovering. I know they say it takes years to recover from infidelity but I’ve also read other couple go through phases of intense sexual activity and that’s not been my experience at all!

OP posts:
WunWun · 10/09/2022 20:42

What are you doing?! You are literally writing your life off.. for what? This isn't going to benefit your children in any way and you're willing to live your life like this, with someone who has treated you like shit and pretty much told you he doesn't find you attractive. This is crazy.

Original poster
dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 20:43

@SavingsThreads i found out from an email from OW that hadn’t been deleted. I went looking as I noticed a change in behaviour.
DC are 11 and 8

OP posts:
Smilingwithfangs · 10/09/2022 20:44

Leave. For your own sanity, for the kids and for your future. You are worth and deserve to be with someone who loves you, is faithful and desires you and with whom you feel comfortable. This situation sounds completely impossible I’m so sorry.

WunWun · 10/09/2022 20:44

Why would you want to recover from it? The thought of sex with him is traumatic? Why are you trying??

SavingsThreads · 10/09/2022 20:44

What was your sex life like before you found out? Or before the affair?

Original poster
dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 20:44

@SavingsThreads and he has been apologetic… in regards to being desperate to be with me… for me and not all the other factors… given this situation, I’m not so sure.

OP posts:
Thekormachameleon · 10/09/2022 20:45

You deserve so much better than this

Throw him out and learn to live yourself, then when you're ready find someone who can't keep their hands off you

Once a cheat, always a cheat, put him in the bin where he belongs - you are better off without him

Original poster
dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 20:47

@SavingsThreads very sporadic for the last five years or so I would say, maybe once every few months or so and special occasions. More like housemates generally but he didn’t initiate all too often so I assumed he was fine with the way things were and I wasn’t too bothered, I felt secure in our marriage, stupidly!

OP posts:
EllieRosesMammy · 10/09/2022 20:47

It wasn't a one time thing, he was seeing her for a full year? I'd honestly just end it, you can do a lot better than that. Staying together for the sake of the children is so old fashioned, children can sense when parents are unhappy. It's better to be seperated and happy than together and miserable x

Marineboy67 · 10/09/2022 20:48

Very difficult area I'd say from experience. It was never the same for me afterwards. I felt like I had to put in the performance of a lifetime everytime. Took the enjoyment and simple pleasure completely out of it. Sadly it's a part of a relationship that may never recover.

Pipsickl · 10/09/2022 20:48

Please consider whether you really even wanna have sex with him in the first place.

imagine having sex with someone you actually really fancied and fancied you back. Imagine being excited at the prospect of having sex. Surely in this scenario it’s not with him?

I know it’s not always as simple as leave the bastard, but in this case, is there no way that you could?

I don’t normally comment on relationship posts, but yours made me sad.

you get one life, and you deserve so much better than this man. He had an affair for a year, he insults you by saying he prefers her.. you are doing the emotional heavy lifting of trying to work out how both yours and his sex life can be satisfactory.. all sounds so bloody unfair.

whatever you do take care and put yourself first xxxxx

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