Sex after affair discovery

[dumpling12]

DH and I are both mid forties, been together 20 years.

Just under a year ago I found out he’d was seeing a woman ten years younger and had been for over a year. Full on emotional and physical affair. He’d become distant, moody and I found out after a bit of digging.

We ultimately decided to stay together for DCs. I wouldn’t say it has been easy, in fact it’s been total hell at times. For the most part things are at a point of relative stability.

My reason for posting today is that one of the main issues we have right now is around sex. I know some couples go through a ‘hysterical bonding’ phase. Well, we never had that. We’ve tried to have sex a couple of times since D-day, hardly at all, I found it too traumatic. DH didn’t seem too interested either and hasn’t pushed it. I’m obviously feeling horrible, comparing myself to OW. After a lot of pressing and arguing he admitted she was more his physical type and we’re not alike. I just don’t feel like he’s interested in me in that way at all.

It’s kind of the elephant in the room. I worry if we don’t get this back on track he will have another affair. He says he won’t but I still worry. He just doesn’t seem interested in regaining that intimacy and our sex life wasn’t great before to be honest.

Anyone else had any experience of this, or sex after an affair generally? Is it time to just call it a day if this can’t be recovered? I don’t even know if I still fancy him because I’m so hurt over the affair, or if I just feel the need to ‘fix’ this so he doesn’t go elsewhere, and I also just feel like he doesn’t desire me anymore which is making me so insecure.

TIA x

You will never get over this and he appears to have shut down the sexual aspect of your relationship

but it was already shut down before the affair. This can’t be ignored. And the op physically does not desire him at all. she struggles to bring herself to have sex with him. This isn’t she fancies the pants off of him and he’s not interested and shut it down, neither wants sex with the other, but critically they haven’t since long before the affair. The affair was not the catalyst for their lack of desire for one another.

the op is being purely logical she is thinking she should get this back as if she doesn’t it could have longer term implications for their relationship ie he may ultimately leave or have another affair.

as the desire went before the affair and for both of them, it is highly unlikely it will ever come back. And it is clear he isn’t staying as he wishes a romantic relationship with the op or her him, that’s why no hysterical bonding, it is a marriage of convenience, staying for the children and the practicalities like finances, family, friends, lifestyle etc. right now they are lying to each other, as neither is admitting that. Although deep down they both know why they are staying.

So sad to read.

I can’t help thinking OP is reading as many resources as possible to figure out what is the right and next step and if she figures out the ‘answer’ and does that all could be well again. or at least back to the status quo.

Except this is not a bookish problem to solve and no one else is you. I can see it would be helpful to read others experience - but they are someone else’ emotions not yours. There is no playbook.

I agree with a PP in that sex isn’t everything and if both couples are happy with the amount of sex then that’s fine.
however, DH clearly was dissatisfied and getting needs met elsewhere, needs that I’m now not sure I’ll ever be able to fulfil if I’m not what he wants sexually and he now knows he can have someone younger and more his type! It’s not just a fantasy he knows it’s possible.
I on the other hand don’t want to be celibate forever. I would like that aspect back but I just don’t think it can be regained if as others have said, it wasn’t great to begin with and whatever was left has been shattered by the affair. I don’t know if it can be built upon. It is in the back of my mind that DH won’t settle for a sexless marriage no matter what he says and could cheat again.

some interesting insight here re: the hysterical bonding. Like I said we never had that, but in a weird way because someone younger and attractive fancied my DH it made me see him in a different light and I got extremely possessive, it was very much a case of ‘putting on a united front’ and display as to how strong we were, but that was just it really, a front. When it came down to it I found it difficult to be intimate with him and confused about my feelings generally. Hate him for what he’d done but simultaneously desperate to keep him and the family together in the face of the outside ‘threat’ I guess.

I have not read the entire thread but HouseOfGuineas I absolutely agree with you.

OP I think you guys will pull through. You have done good to keep yourself together in the face of your children. Everything will be alright, you need time to pass and if you can let that happen and keep it together as you have done you are a strong lady and this terrible time will change you and you will know what to do all in good time.

Best of luck - x

OP, please don’t spend time analysing where things went wrong. Lack of sex did NOT drive him to the affair. Let’s be clear,if lack of sex and desire was such an issue he could have made an effort and discussed things. He chose not to do this, he made the choice to pursue someone else.

Your husband had a year long affair because he wanted to.

From my own experience I can tell you that no amount of analysis or dissection is going to put the pieces together again.

That ‘spark’ you felt, those feeling of safety and security.. gone. You will never look at him as you did before.

He did a shitty thing, but a year affair is a choice not a mistake. Same as staying in the marriage, it is a choice.

You have a few options, personally I would choose to separate and make appropriate arrangements with child care, maintenance etc.

There is a life for you outside of this, there may be a few hurdles along the way, but once settles I guarantee you will feel a weight has been lifted.

OP, I think it’s clear from reading your posts that sadly you are not what he wants sexually but to be honest he doesn’t sound like he is for you either! It sounds like this marriage has been lacklustre for many years. It’s not easy splitting and not everyone can afford it either so you have very limited choices.

You leave and start your life again. There is nothing to stop you co-parenting well.

You stay and accept that this marriage will only ever be one of convenience where you can tick over for the kids, stay relatively friendly and just have a sexless marriage (or open one if you can agree)

What you are seeking is never going to happen based on what I have read so I think you need to accept that and try to move on one way or another.

you can’t get back what you never had in the first place.

This is why staying together after an affair doesn't work. Find a way to divorce as this will destroy you. I would vomit at the thought of an adulterous husband ever touch me again

Op you’re asking the wrong questions.

He didn’t cheat solely as he wasn’t getting sex at home. It’s way way more complex than that. That spark died for you both a long time ago. That’s what he found with someone else. That spark. That connection, it was and is about way more than sex.

the spark between you died long before the affair. It will now be virtually impossible for you to get that back. You are right, he won’t settle for a life of celibacy, but he may whilst the kids are still at home. For many people sex is more than just a physical act. Many things contribute inc physical attraction. Neither of you can force yourselves to fancy the other. Going through the motions won’t stop him going elsewhere.

you need to sit down and talk. Desperately trying to get sex back as a way to keep him isn’t going to work. It is better you both talk and take the pressure off, accept what the relationship has become. If his celibacy is key to you in being with him, then explain that and see if he accepts. Otherwise discuss an open relationship

I echo this, your posts are utterly heartbreaking. This man does not deserve you.

Each to their own, but this wouldn't be a relationship for me.

@Wisteriaroundthedoor thank you - hmm I don’t think the open relationship thing is an option. If it were purely sex with no chance of feelings developing, that’s one thing. But there were feelings involved with DH and OW. He didn’t leave for her but at another time under different circumstances maybe he would have. In which case I will just be anxious he’ll eventually leave.
I also can’t see myself wanting sex with someone without an emotional connection and commitment.
we have discussed but I think he feels so guilty he will say whatever he can to keep me happy and I can’t trust his feelings won’t change and if this isn’t recovered resentment will grow.
we’ve reached a bit of a stalemate but its been interesting to read the viewpoints here. It’s clearly not normal that after this long this is still so bad and the fact that it was an issue before does resonate.

I think you have to think realistically about your options and what is most important to you. Your OH is more attracted to other types than you and is shallow enough to act on it, clearly not appreciating the things you have to offer beyond (I'm guessing here) being young and having big tits. He is probably staying because he doesn't want to look bad being the one who had an affair to his children or the rest of the world and doesn't want to ruin the easy set up he has at home. You are the safe, comfortable option, she was the hot shag.

Now he has done it once and you've let him get away with it he knows he can again - chances are that next time he'll just be far more careful. The question is how much do you want to stay with him for the sake of the kids? How much do you want to stay with him for financial convenience? Could this work better as a platonic relationship/marriage of convenience for now or forever? What about as an open relationship with boundaries? (although of course you already know he may not stick to them). This is never going to be a great love story again, sex is never going to be the same even if you have it - so now you need to be practical and think realistically about what you really want.

If you haven't already, then insist he gets a full STI check and get one yourself.

@dumpling12
The more of your posts I read, the sadder it all sounds.
Your life doesn’t have to be all about him and what he wants or feels. And who he wants to sleep with.
I think you really need to start figuring out what you want from this life, what makes you happy - beyond your H’s sexual preferences. I know it’s hard to do it, and it’s not the way you are used to be - as your life has been about your children and marriage. But to get to any place they is better than this dark hole - I think you need to.
Do you have counselling? It may be helpful for you to have some individual session to focus on YOU.

I am not suggesting you need to leave your marriage now. I don’t think that will make it better for you now. I am only suggesting you need to shift the focus from Him to you. And try to rebuild your sense of self, or remember it. And I’d try to do it, within your marriage. As for now you need it as a source of stability.

As to sexuality - it’s a tricky thing. I think losing attraction after being together 20 years is understandable. I am not sure many people can maintain strong attraction indefinitely.

I think ‘being more his type’ is a red herring here. People are rarely only attracted to one specific body/hair/etc type. It’s more likely that what drew him in was that she found him attractive and made him feel desired. Being younger and beautiful also was great for ego.
Main question here - is your libido just gone or is it dormant. And I think you need to let yourself explore it - and separate it from only focusing on your H.

If your sex live with him was never that great - it may be that HE wasn’t your type. Or maybe you just aren’t that sexual.
I don’t really know how one can do it - sexual therapy? Getting in better shape? Going out with friends more?
But mostly - just allowing yourself to look around and notice men and let yourself wonder what if?

I guess what I am trying to say - I think you need to stop making your life being about affair recovery only. And start making it about living. And your happiness.

I do think Ester Perel had some interesting thoughts on that in her ‘The state of the Affair’. It’s an account of her experience as a couple counsellor dealing with affairs over a long period of time.

Your OH is more attracted to other types than you and is shallow enough to act on it, clearly not appreciating the things you have to offer beyond (I'm guessing here) being young and having big tits

wtaf?

I had the reverse of this after I found out about a very old emotional affair (I can't prove it was more) - H was very keen to act as if it wasn't an issue, it was just a crush and he went too far- I on the other hand went totally off sex , was in the menopause anyway , and it's never come back for me. Still married and I'm 60 now , but whilst we get on well , finding it out made me see him and 'us' in a different light and killed my libido stone dead.

@Crikeyalmighty and you were ok having a totally sexless marriage?

@dumpling12 to be honest yes, but I've not been bothered really for last10 years!! And at 60 having had a sex life continually since I was16 I'm just no longer bothered

@Crikeyalmighty fair enough, I think even if I felt that way DH definitely wouldn’t!
I thought he just had a low sex drive generally given he hadn’t initiated much with me but seems it was the opposite story with OW!

I wouldn’t get hung up that OW was his type and you weren’t / aren’t.

I would concentrate on what’s YOUR type.

Your type is likely someone honest and loyal - which he isn’t so that’s why YOU don’t fancy him emotionally or physically and so sex with him gives you the ick.

I think the 2-5 years to get over an affair sounds about right….similar to grief - but it’s just integrated it and living around it.

During that time at various points many people decide they are done. Many are not done on D-Day. They try during the initial shock and crisis to hold everything together and then when the dust settles they make a more rational choice on how they feel.

Staying for the kids is a sacrifice and a potential erosion of self that they will intuitively sense and absorb but likely be confused and destabilised by.

Will both of you be staying for the DCs when they are 18, 21, 28, 38 etc?

I can relate to this situation. My DP has been online cheating and I have caught him by chance many times over and over on hook up and dating sites as he is careless. Of course it was only to make “friends” due to loneliness. As if Tinder is the place to go for middle aged men for friends! I think he doesnt consider a big deal because its not physical. He has made little effort in reassurance it wont happen again. He has always been v protective of his phone. Its utterly insulting really.

We have a very happy 15 year old who is oblivious to this as we get on day to day, so I want to hold out for GCSE’s being done. We’ve discussed splitting after then. At least DP agrees we must put DC first. Im using this time to pay off old debts and get myself in a good position financially so I can take on mortgage and bills.

I cant have sex with him. I just cant - hes not interested either. My self esteem is low and I am working on it not eroding totally. I know I can get through in the very short term but no longer. I sometimes feel fine then it comes over me in a wave and I feel anxious. Doing anything before DC is 16 would make me feel I am putting my mental health before my DCs and I cant do that.

With your DCs so young i just think it will get more difficult for you as they head towards teenage years. And frankly most cheaters if they get away with it once, they will do it again… im so sorry to say it. I think better to make a break for it.

@Applecrumbleforme sorry you’re going through it - I guess in some sense if you’ve agreed to split then there is no pressure for sex? Terrible just feeling like you’re waiting though and have to keep up appearances in the meantime.

So in other words, you stayed for the kids?

Do you really think your children are blissfully unaware of the unhappiness and dysfunction in your marriage? I assure you they are not. This is a horrible example being set for them.

Obviously really want to avoid this as much as possible, but yes I do worry. They are old enough to know something is wrong but no details, although I imagine they might guess.
Have tried to reassure them as much as possible but uncertain as to whether me and DH will definitely stay together at this point so hard to know what to say to them.

@PeacefulPottering I feel exactly like that- it kind of snuffed a candle out - even though we get on well. If he didn't want sex I would find it easier, but he does