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Original poster

Sex after affair discovery

180 replies

dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 20:09

DH and I are both mid forties, been together 20 years.

Just under a year ago I found out he’d was seeing a woman ten years younger and had been for over a year. Full on emotional and physical affair. He’d become distant, moody and I found out after a bit of digging.

We ultimately decided to stay together for DCs. I wouldn’t say it has been easy, in fact it’s been total hell at times. For the most part things are at a point of relative stability.

My reason for posting today is that one of the main issues we have right now is around sex. I know some couples go through a ‘hysterical bonding’ phase. Well, we never had that. We’ve tried to have sex a couple of times since D-day, hardly at all, I found it too traumatic. DH didn’t seem too interested either and hasn’t pushed it. I’m obviously feeling horrible, comparing myself to OW. After a lot of pressing and arguing he admitted she was more his physical type and we’re not alike. I just don’t feel like he’s interested in me in that way at all.

It’s kind of the elephant in the room. I worry if we don’t get this back on track he will have another affair. He says he won’t but I still worry. He just doesn’t seem interested in regaining that intimacy and our sex life wasn’t great before to be honest.

Anyone else had any experience of this, or sex after an affair generally? Is it time to just call it a day if this can’t be recovered? I don’t even know if I still fancy him because I’m so hurt over the affair, or if I just feel the need to ‘fix’ this so he doesn’t go elsewhere, and I also just feel like he doesn’t desire me anymore which is making me so insecure.

TIA x

OP posts:
Original poster
dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 20:51

@Marineboy67 thanks for the insight… did you stay together? That’s how I feel, like it’s a bit of a Performance and I have to push all thoughts of OW aside… with varying success!

OP posts:
ginexplorer · 10/09/2022 20:52

I’m sorry you had to go through the betrayal of an affair. It must awful.

I wonder what work you have both done on creating an emotional connection and emotional safety? Until you both have that, the intimacy will just not come. Have you really been able to talk openly with him about how this affair has made you feel? And has he validated that? It’s not an overnight process. I would suggest that you tell him the lack of intimacy concerns you and if you want the marriage to heal and grow rather than going through the motions for the sake of the kids you need to find professional help together. Someone who can facilitate and help you really get to the bottom of the issues. If he is willing to invest in the relationship and not just for the children then it’s worth a go. People can recover these things.

Original poster
dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 20:53

@Pipsickl thanks for the kind words.
I feel like it wasn’t a straightforward as him saying he preferred her but obviously that’s how I feel.

OP posts:
Bessica1970 · 10/09/2022 20:54

Is there a possibility that he’s still seeing her, or someone else?

SavingsThreads · 10/09/2022 20:58

Bessica1970 · 10/09/2022 20:54

Is there a possibility that he’s still seeing her, or someone else?

I was going to ask this. A year long affair with feelings, doesn't just end I suppose. Were they in love? Have you heard her version?

Original poster
dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 20:58

@ginexplorer yes we’ve talked in detail about everything, he has answered all my questions and all the ‘right’ things as far as reconciliation goes, but sexually I feel very disconnected from him and that he isn’t interested. He reassures me but obviously I just don’t feel it. Emotionally I feel a lot better than I did and I feel the trust is slowly returning.
But I didn’t feel our sex life was hugely strong before so obviously this has compounded it.
I wonder if he is thinking of OW and obviously be ended it because he was caught out, so a lot of insecurity there.

OP posts:
Original poster
dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 21:03

@Bessica1970 @SavingsThreads I haven’t heard her version, I think it’s highly unlikely they are still seeing each other as he has done all
he can to give me access to everything and try to reassure me.
were they in love? I think it’s likely they were given how he was behaving at the time but he denies it. It was quite a long term thing. I don’t know if I’ll ever know the whole truth because even if he says he didn’t love her I just worry it’s because he knows it’s what I want to hear.

OP posts:
affor · 10/09/2022 21:06

OP I'd like to offer some advice/ insight from the OW perspective, but wanted to flag that first as perfectly happy for you to ask me not to/ to stay away from your thread.

ginexplorer · 10/09/2022 21:09

So from what you are saying you don’t feel emotionally ‘safe’ with him then. Not at the moment at least. Can you remember what it was like when you first met and were attracted to each other? As you say the intimacy issues started before the affair and clearly it was an issue for him which he chose to resolve by looking elsewhere. Now he is back and clearly wants to make a go of it but the same issue is still there. So you both need to address it. The affair will have exacerbated it now for you but perhaps start looking at when it first became a problem ? Was it before you got married or after? People lose their connections for all sorts of reasons. Your challenge is to both work out why and what you can do about it. A marriage coach would be a good start. I wish you all the best. If you explore this route then at least you can say you gave it your best shot if it doesn’t work out.

Original poster
dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 21:11

@affor no all insights welcome. And in my case I certainly recognise that the problem was my DH not the OW.

OP posts:
Bestcatmum · 10/09/2022 21:12

I'm sorry OP but I'd never be able to have sex with him again. I couldn't do it. This affair lasted a whole year it wasn't a one night drunken fling. That would be it for me.

SucculentSunshine · 10/09/2022 21:15

Please consider moving on from this. You can and will find someone who will adore your body.

2pinkginsplease · 10/09/2022 21:17

If you haven’t had sex with him by now you never will, there is a barrier. He has cheated and also told you the OW was more his type. Can you forgive this?

this isn’t a relationship I’d want to be in, you deserve better and your children will sense your unhappiness.

I would hate to have thought my parents stayed together for my sake, I’d rather thyey both be happy apart than miserable together.

affor · 10/09/2022 21:19

I had an affair with a married man for a year, which ended just over a year ago Honestly if it weren't for the age of your children, I'd think you were his wife!

We're still in contact as 'friends'. They haven't slept together since we broke up, because it was always he who initiated it and now he feels too guilty to. This is in no way undermining the role of a cheater or saying we should feel sorry for them, but cheating is stressful. It's not all roses as you are lying to everyone. It got to the point where he would have performance issues with me from guilt/stress over her as well as changing his bed habits at home (wearing pjs to cover up) out of guilt over me.

It's been over for a year and we've not done anything in that time, but he is different. They are staying together for the children but that just means they are stuck in a world where they've essentially decided not to be happy.

Signoramarella · 10/09/2022 21:21

This :
Being alone is a million times better than constantly feeling second best in your own marriage.

Youre mid 40s, thats potentially another 40 years of this? Are you really sure? Fucking hell OP, I think you should take a good close look and do some work on yourself. My Exh was a shit but in a different way. Our sex life was a drag. I left him and yes.. It nearly killed me but guess what, recently I met a new partner and OMG the passion, the desire, the intimacy is truly life changing. I would NEVER stay and settle , and with a man who preferred another woman, there is NO WAY I would set the bar so low.

Even my kids agree we did the right thing leaving.

Leave him , please, don't subject youself to 40 more years of fake orgasms and pretending you are enjoying it. Theres so much more out there, believe me.

70billionthnamechange · 10/09/2022 21:22

This is not good for the kids, the opposite in fact. It does surprise me that people still don't realise that but I guess it's easy for me to say and perhaps I would do the same if actually faced with the situation. But please, do you all a favour and kick him out.

grayhairdontcare · 10/09/2022 21:26

Honestly op ( and i mean this in the kindest way)
Pick your self respect up off the floor and go get yourself and your children a happy life.
Imagine your daughter telling you this .
Would you tell her to stay n this marriage?
No you would not!

Figgygal · 10/09/2022 21:26

Its over OP dont waste anymore years of your life on him

Original poster
dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 21:26

@Signoramarella thanks - congratulations on finding someone better suited to you… I worry that might not necessarily happen for me and whether it’s worth uprooting DCs lives on the off chance!
the ideal situation would be if we could recover this aspect but given it’s been a while I’m not so sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 21:28

@affor given you are still in touch and there is still no sex in his marriage do you think you will rekindle the affair?
I know DH is not in touch with OW as far as I know but worry this might change.

OP posts:
economicervix · 10/09/2022 21:30

You wouldn’t be uprooting your kids on the off chance of you getting a boyfriend, you’d do it to not give them a shit childhood in a miserable house. If you want to stay with some dirty liar you can never trust again, own it, don’t pretend it’s altruism for your kids.

affor · 10/09/2022 21:31

dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 21:28

@affor given you are still in touch and there is still no sex in his marriage do you think you will rekindle the affair?
I know DH is not in touch with OW as far as I know but worry this might change.

I think there's always a chance something could happen, but no, no more affair.

He wouldn't as he has made his decision. He had a breakdown over all the lying and the possible consequences on the children. Took him about 6 months to recover enough to function normally.

I wouldn't as it completely eroded my sense of self worth. We were in love and it destroyed me when he ended it, to the point I seriously thought about killing myself.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2022 21:35

I'm sorry, op, but this marriage is over. You just haven't accepted it yet. You're not fooling anyone, especially your children. It would be tragic for you to waste one more day staying with a man who has clearly checked out of the relationship.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 21:36

I think as you’ve agreed to stay together for the children and not because you love and want to be together as a couple then you should really both accept what that means. You are Co -parenting only. So in this instance neither of you would wish sex with the other.

hysterical bonding happens when two people want to stay together to be together. It will never happen in a marriage of convenience which is what you’ve both agreed this is.

DeoForty · 10/09/2022 21:40

From an outside perspective you either need to work on this together with the help of a counsellor, or cut your losses and go. I suspect you are feeling too vulnerable to have sex, you might be getting on ok in other areas but he isn't your flatmate and I wouldn't want to get to 10 years down the line and realise you should have gone now.