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Original poster

Sex after affair discovery

180 replies

dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 20:09

DH and I are both mid forties, been together 20 years.

Just under a year ago I found out he’d was seeing a woman ten years younger and had been for over a year. Full on emotional and physical affair. He’d become distant, moody and I found out after a bit of digging.

We ultimately decided to stay together for DCs. I wouldn’t say it has been easy, in fact it’s been total hell at times. For the most part things are at a point of relative stability.

My reason for posting today is that one of the main issues we have right now is around sex. I know some couples go through a ‘hysterical bonding’ phase. Well, we never had that. We’ve tried to have sex a couple of times since D-day, hardly at all, I found it too traumatic. DH didn’t seem too interested either and hasn’t pushed it. I’m obviously feeling horrible, comparing myself to OW. After a lot of pressing and arguing he admitted she was more his physical type and we’re not alike. I just don’t feel like he’s interested in me in that way at all.

It’s kind of the elephant in the room. I worry if we don’t get this back on track he will have another affair. He says he won’t but I still worry. He just doesn’t seem interested in regaining that intimacy and our sex life wasn’t great before to be honest.

Anyone else had any experience of this, or sex after an affair generally? Is it time to just call it a day if this can’t be recovered? I don’t even know if I still fancy him because I’m so hurt over the affair, or if I just feel the need to ‘fix’ this so he doesn’t go elsewhere, and I also just feel like he doesn’t desire me anymore which is making me so insecure.

TIA x

OP posts:
Original poster
dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 23:57

@LastWordsOfALiar I said repeatedly to him if he loved her he should just leave but he insisted he wanted to stay and make it work and be there for me and DC, but he’s always been cagey about how he felt about the OW.
I’ve asked if he just isn’t attracted to me anymore as you’ve said and he says he is but then doesn’t really do anything to show it.
perhaps you’re right and there really is no recovering from this.
in a strange way initially I felt like I was in competition with the OW and that compelled me to make sure we stayed together and get reassurance it was me he wanted, but as time goes on it just feels a bit silly.

OP posts:
LastWordsOfALiar · 11/09/2022 00:03

dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 23:57

@LastWordsOfALiar I said repeatedly to him if he loved her he should just leave but he insisted he wanted to stay and make it work and be there for me and DC, but he’s always been cagey about how he felt about the OW.
I’ve asked if he just isn’t attracted to me anymore as you’ve said and he says he is but then doesn’t really do anything to show it.
perhaps you’re right and there really is no recovering from this.
in a strange way initially I felt like I was in competition with the OW and that compelled me to make sure we stayed together and get reassurance it was me he wanted, but as time goes on it just feels a bit silly.

But he's shown you how he feels. He had a year long affair, it really doesn't get much worse than that.

He can tell you anything, but you can't trust him, you know he lies. He lied for a year.

He's stayed for a number of reasons I suspect. To avoid people finding out what he's done. To avoid seeing the kids less. To avoid the financial fall out from a divorce/separation. To avoid having to start over. To avoid being seen as a cheater to his kids. To keep the status quo.

But he definitely hasn't done it because he loves you. If he did, he wouldn't have cheated for a year.

I'm so sorry. But the relationship isn't what you think it is, although deep down you know that. You know you're settling. I don't know why you keep basing the relationship on what he says when he's the liar of all liars. I hope you find the strength to leave.

Bananarama21 · 11/09/2022 00:20

Your making excuses for his poor behaviour.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2022 00:20

I don't think your husband has the balls to end it. He wants you to, so you can be the "bad guy." It's some weird way to absolve himself of the guilt he has.

SarahDippity · 11/09/2022 00:32

I’m really sorry but this will poison you from the inside out. You feel that you need to reignite an intimate connection but his actions will leave you forever in a lose-lose situation. It’s impossible to rebuild from such shaky foundations. My personal experience is horrific self-loathing, hatred, and, sorry to say, huge regret around consent boundaries when things were at their worst.

Smineusername · 11/09/2022 00:36

This is very difficult and I think the way forward is to be very very gentle with yourself. I would start by telling your husband what you have written here - tell him you want to feel desired by him but you fear he doesn't and is pretending; and that you suffer from intrusive thoughts of him with OW. Then you need to be very gentle and dial back your expectations. You both need gentle loving touch, you should ask specifically for this, to build up intimacy, and it needn't/shouldn't lead to penetrative sex. If you can approach your husband and ask for this in a spirit of courageous vulnerability and he can respond in kind you can both begin to rebuild an intimate connection

silentpool · 11/09/2022 00:44

I never went near my ex-husband again after I found out. The marriage was terminal at that point.

PepperSprayFirstApologiseLater1 · 11/09/2022 00:46

I've just read your OP and I have to say, I found it really upsetting.

This will destroy the rest of your life. I'm so sorry op. I can't imagine living like this.

Ultimately your children will know, staying together for the kids is never a good idea.

PeacefulPottering · 11/09/2022 00:48

Can I tell you my take OP because your post resonates.
My long term partner ( 25 years) we were not married, two beautiful teen kids.He had brief affair , got caught out exactly like yours, silly random email booking for a hotel he didn't delete.
I did exactly what you did. I wanted to be in control, I wanted to say fuck you to her, look we are still together, I had two teen age kids. Both at vulnerable times in their life so I was determined to keep my status quo, had an almost animal desire to keep my family together.
In the immediate aftermath he said he " didn't feel that way about me" when I pressed it was sex. He didn't fancy me. When I pressed more, after a night of tears and snot, he said I had stopped making him feel sexual, I didn't make an effort to be sexy but crucially ....it had started after my Mum died. We had a horrendous experience with my Mum dying, and I can admit looking after two kids, working and dealing with a shocking bereavement put my libido out. I had checked out. But...he didn't talk to me, just went and found surface comfort .
I'm now six years post affair. I stayed and we have had some great times, we have successfully seen both kids off to Uni just this year. I'm seriously considering long term plans to leave him. Not because we couldn't get the sex back ( we did, sporadic, not much feeling for me) but because I now can finally say to myself...I never got over the betrayal,lies, gaslighting. I'm leaving ,not because the sex was missing but because after six years of trying I can't lie to MYSELF anymore. You will get there but it has to be on your timeline. Much xxx to you, I know how you feel.

MMmomDD · 11/09/2022 01:06

I think marriages come in different shapes, and evolve in different directions. But we all have this idea that it must cover all aspects - friendship, partnership, child rearing, financial security, physical intimacy.
It sounds like your marriage has lost one of the components - the physical intimacy.

The way you talk about sex ia quite telling - you talk logically, you talk of needing it to come back so that marriage continues.
Its not something you actually want to do or miss not doing. And it seems that you have been feeling this way for years, even before the affair. Post discovery it all got even more difficult for you.
You also talk about sex in very passive terms - it’s about him wanting/or not; being attracted/or not. It’s not about your desires or needs. For intimacy to work - desire needs to come from both ways. You don’t actually feel it at this moment, or for a while. So - it doesn’t really work.

Ask yourself this - if you knew he won’t leave, and he loved only you - would you actually care if he had sex with someone else? Or would you be relieved you didn’t have to do it?

If you actually miss sex with your H and want to get back to how it was in the earlier days when you actually wanted and enjoyed sex with him - then you need to figure out how to get your mojo back.
If it’s all just to make sure H won’t go and find it somewhere else - that is doomed
to fail. You can’t will yourself to want it. And both of you would get progressively more frustrated and unhappy.

BrazilBrazil · 11/09/2022 01:36

Ask yourself this - if you knew he won’t leave, and he loved only you -
would you actually care if he had sex with someone else? Or would you
be relieved you didn’t have to do it?

I've never known a woman not care if her husband was being serviced by another woman, people talk of it but no, never come across it in real life, or even on here.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Op still wants to be desired, as most of us do.

PeacefulPottering · 11/09/2022 01:41

But being desired by your husband involves you feeling safe, not betrayed by frankly what we are saying here is he has fucked another woman, behind your back. How do you feel safe after that?

PeacefulPottering · 11/09/2022 01:45

And safety for women just isn't about staying in the relationship. I have done that so can absolutely talk about it. It ultimately comes down to when you feel safe to leave or stay. Some women stay some leave. It is NEVER if they feel desired ENOUGH.

caringcarer · 11/09/2022 02:14

Why live every day knowing he does not want intimacy with you because he has feelings for someone else? Children can still feel loved and secure if their parents live apart. You must know your marriage has no future. End it and stay friends and co parents.

Mumofnarnia · 11/09/2022 03:51

If my partner said another woman was more his physical type that would be it for me, I wouldn’t have stayed. No matter what your reasons for thinking he said it is for.

Id love to know what he found that was so appealing about the other woman that he felt the need to potentially destroy his family and hurt you over it! Just greediness that’s all.

marblemad · 11/09/2022 04:14

Why are you even giving it another try?? He was seeing the other woman for over a year he clearly has feelings for her and over a year is considered a relationship! If you're staying together for the kids he isn't going to magically love you instead of her again because of obligation. Cut your losses the trust is gone.

Original poster
dumpling12 · 11/09/2022 04:51

@PeacefulPottering I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through something similar. There really are no words for how it feels. It’s been the most terrible time of my whole life.
and yes like you my instinct was to not let the family fall apart. I think when your world is falling in you do whatever you can to try and preserve it. A year down the line when the crisis period is over I’m beginning to question it.
like your DP my DH said he sought it out initially for sex but with DH it ended up being more than that. But as I said he is quite cagey about it. He said he wouldn’t have left the marriage but I don’t know if they were in love, I suspect so.
He also said he was surprised at my reaction because he didn’t get the impression I felt that way about him at all anymore and I guess in his mind he had rationalised that I was no longer interested and he was doing it in such a way that the family unit was preserved.
six years is a long time to keep things going and I hope you find the strength to leave if that’s what you want and are ultimately happier!

OP posts:
EmEllGee · 11/09/2022 05:00

@dumpling12

Of all the couples I know, including myself and DP - I can’t think of any who still have sex regularly. DP and I have pretty much stopped. The practicalities of life take over. We too are more like siblings or housemates - I don’t really think about whether I fancy him anymore. And I’m sure he doesn’t fancy me in the same way as he did 15 years ago. I can’t see this changing - we’re ageing. Generally couples in their fifties are less likely to have that drive than people in their twenties - and we are heading in that direction.

In your situation - if my DP had an affair - I could see that novelty of someone new, younger could spark up his sexual feelings again. But it would be meaningless because it’s just sex. DP and I have developed a far deeper bond because of the many years we have spent building our home, building our family - and I think this is of greater importance than how attractive we find each other.

marblemad · 11/09/2022 05:43

EmEllGee · 11/09/2022 05:00

@dumpling12

Of all the couples I know, including myself and DP - I can’t think of any who still have sex regularly. DP and I have pretty much stopped. The practicalities of life take over. We too are more like siblings or housemates - I don’t really think about whether I fancy him anymore. And I’m sure he doesn’t fancy me in the same way as he did 15 years ago. I can’t see this changing - we’re ageing. Generally couples in their fifties are less likely to have that drive than people in their twenties - and we are heading in that direction.

In your situation - if my DP had an affair - I could see that novelty of someone new, younger could spark up his sexual feelings again. But it would be meaningless because it’s just sex. DP and I have developed a far deeper bond because of the many years we have spent building our home, building our family - and I think this is of greater importance than how attractive we find each other.

Then you aren't in a relationship! You're just close friends! Honestly if you're at that point then split up, you aren't sexual but still care for each other, that's just a friendship, no need to waste each others time.

Mummysharkargggggggg · 11/09/2022 06:21

For me it was easier because the OW was ten years older than me and a lot heavier so I knew it wasn't his desire to be with someone more physically attractive.
We had just let live get in the way and not given each other any attention.It could have been either of us who had an affair to be honest.
We now both make more time for each other.

EmEllGee · 11/09/2022 07:19

@marblemad But as a couple entering our fifties, me being menopausal - our relationship is more about friendship and our biggest focus is our children. I don’t think this is uncommon. I don’t know many - or any -couples my age with children where it is still about sexual attraction.

deedledeedledum · 11/09/2022 07:41

@marblemad you are placing your requirements of a relationship onto other people. People have different drives and sex is not the major drive for all people. If both parties are happy then who are you to say they should split up. You presumably don't have sex with your parents or siblings yet the relationship with them is more than it is with 'just friends'. Same with couples. Just because they don't have sex it doesn't mean they are just friends there are bonds between people that are not sexual. My dh and I are in our late 50s and have what I think of as a healthy sex life but it's once or twice a week not daily any more and not as ferociously, rabidly horny as it was 30 years ago.

SavingsThreads · 11/09/2022 07:44

Mummysharkargggggggg · 11/09/2022 06:21

For me it was easier because the OW was ten years older than me and a lot heavier so I knew it wasn't his desire to be with someone more physically attractive.
We had just let live get in the way and not given each other any attention.It could have been either of us who had an affair to be honest.
We now both make more time for each other.

You don't think a man can fancy an older, heavier woman? Not everyone's taste is skinny.

Marineboy67 · 11/09/2022 07:48

dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 20:51

@Marineboy67 thanks for the insight… did you stay together? That’s how I feel, like it’s a bit of a Performance and I have to push all thoughts of OW aside… with varying success!

Yes I stayed with her for 15 years. I didn't want my children to grow up without me. I'd been brought up in foster homes and wanted stability for them. Looking back it was a miserable relationship and with hindsight I should have left. I also it's blighted subsequent relationships to an extent. Perhaps that's the Cue to end your relationship before the tainted rot really sets in.
I know people can eventually put it behind them and rebuild their relationship but I'd say they are small minority.

deedledeedledum · 11/09/2022 07:53

OP not withstanding what I said in the post before this one which was directed at a poster who was responding to someone else, I don't feel there is much hope for your relationship and I do feel you are worth more than this life of feeling not good enough. We are all worth more than that. For him to say someone with different coloured hair and is younger is more his type is quite galling. My body is not what it was 30 years ago. My weigh has yo-yo'd over the decades. My hair is greying. My body shake has changed with menopause. My husband is crazy for my body. Because it's MY body. You will never get over this and he appears to have shut down the sexual aspect of your relationship. I just don't think it is worth fighting for and I rarely say that.