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Original poster

Sex after affair discovery

180 replies

dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 20:09

DH and I are both mid forties, been together 20 years.

Just under a year ago I found out he’d was seeing a woman ten years younger and had been for over a year. Full on emotional and physical affair. He’d become distant, moody and I found out after a bit of digging.

We ultimately decided to stay together for DCs. I wouldn’t say it has been easy, in fact it’s been total hell at times. For the most part things are at a point of relative stability.

My reason for posting today is that one of the main issues we have right now is around sex. I know some couples go through a ‘hysterical bonding’ phase. Well, we never had that. We’ve tried to have sex a couple of times since D-day, hardly at all, I found it too traumatic. DH didn’t seem too interested either and hasn’t pushed it. I’m obviously feeling horrible, comparing myself to OW. After a lot of pressing and arguing he admitted she was more his physical type and we’re not alike. I just don’t feel like he’s interested in me in that way at all.

It’s kind of the elephant in the room. I worry if we don’t get this back on track he will have another affair. He says he won’t but I still worry. He just doesn’t seem interested in regaining that intimacy and our sex life wasn’t great before to be honest.

Anyone else had any experience of this, or sex after an affair generally? Is it time to just call it a day if this can’t be recovered? I don’t even know if I still fancy him because I’m so hurt over the affair, or if I just feel the need to ‘fix’ this so he doesn’t go elsewhere, and I also just feel like he doesn’t desire me anymore which is making me so insecure.

TIA x

OP posts:
fdkc · 14/09/2022 22:55

EmEllGee · 11/09/2022 05:00

@dumpling12

Of all the couples I know, including myself and DP - I can’t think of any who still have sex regularly. DP and I have pretty much stopped. The practicalities of life take over. We too are more like siblings or housemates - I don’t really think about whether I fancy him anymore. And I’m sure he doesn’t fancy me in the same way as he did 15 years ago. I can’t see this changing - we’re ageing. Generally couples in their fifties are less likely to have that drive than people in their twenties - and we are heading in that direction.

In your situation - if my DP had an affair - I could see that novelty of someone new, younger could spark up his sexual feelings again. But it would be meaningless because it’s just sex. DP and I have developed a far deeper bond because of the many years we have spent building our home, building our family - and I think this is of greater importance than how attractive we find each other.

Wow this is depressing. Myself and dh are early 40's, please don't tell me in ten short years time that we are going to be living as roommates in a sexless marriage?

I am still mad for me dh and he for me as far as I can tell, he still wants sex alot, we do it at least 3 times a week and we have 4 kids ranging in ages of 18 to 4 and we both work full time. We have been together over 20 years, since our late teens.

It genuinely upsets me to read your post about you and your partner and alot of your friends who are only in your fifties and have accepted that the sexual side (which is one of the best parts) of your relationship is over. Are you going to just accept that and live like that for the next 20-30 years??

Twillow · 14/09/2022 23:00

Presumably your children are teens. They will very probably be aware of at least some of what has gone on, regardless of how well you think you have concealed it. Why exactly are you staying together for their sake? Finances? Or to provide a 'family' role model?
What would you tell a friend in your position is always a good way to look on it.

Original poster
dumpling12 · 14/09/2022 23:11

Twillow · 14/09/2022 23:00

Presumably your children are teens. They will very probably be aware of at least some of what has gone on, regardless of how well you think you have concealed it. Why exactly are you staying together for their sake? Finances? Or to provide a 'family' role model?
What would you tell a friend in your position is always a good way to look on it.

DC are 11 and 8 so not teens yet.
I agree they probably have some awareness of what’s been going on, but no details for obvious reasons.
mainly to try and provide a stable family home. I would hate the thought of them shuttling back and forth and meeting new partners etc. it’s just not the life I had planned for them and I hate DH has threatened and undermined that.

OP posts:
Twillow · 14/09/2022 23:20

I appreciate that, but children have a spidey sense when things are wrong but they don't know quite why and it's maybe not the stability you think it is. You're right to be very angry and upset, he has behaved horribly. Is the affair definitely over? Could it happen again? How is he trying, if at all, to repair your relationship and rebuild the family?

Sunflowergirl1 · 15/09/2022 07:52

dumpling12 · 10/09/2022 20:15

@Imissmoominmama I suppose a bit of both. I want to feel desired by him, but when we’ve tried I just can’t get the image of him with her out of my head and I feel like he isn’t particularly enthusiastic about it, and then I wonder if I’m imagining it, as he tried to reassure me.

but either way I find it hard to relax and just don’t know if it will ever get better or if it’s still early days.

@dumpling12

My friend was in a similar position to you. Decided to try again but she couldn't get the OW out of her head. She never got over it and It took several years before she realised she couldn't do it any more and asked for a divorce. He was gutted and couldn't understand when all this time had passed.

She had some time alone but now remarried and very happy. Wished she hadn't wasted years of her life trying

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/09/2022 14:25

I would hate the thought of them shuttling back and forth and meeting new partners etc

they will adapt
and you will also

Now it’s not as fast or as easy as others migjt have you believe !
but it happens , I’m approaching 3 years now

and more critically they are going to have a mum that grows older and happier

as seriously this can’t continue
he’ll probably cheat again
and you will get more and more unhappy

Lozzerbmc · 06/02/2023 10:39

@dumpling12 Hi OP was rereading this thread and wondering how you were doing?

Coffeeandanap · 06/02/2023 10:47

The first time I found out we had the hysterical bonding thing, it didn’t last and wasn’t ‘me’.
There were instances of being unfaithful after a period of time, post that initial discovery, and I just couldn’t be intimate with him then, it was like that part of me just switched off.
Just know that this is his doing, not yours. There’s nothing wrong with you and you deserve to have a fulfilling relationship in all areas.

Original poster
dumpling12 · 06/02/2023 11:03

@Coffeeandanap so sorry - yes it’s a horrible feeling. Like living with a stranger in the same body.

thanks for checking in anyway. We got through Christmas for the kids, but we are going to separate. I think when I discovered he was still pining after OW that was it for me. Over a year later, it wasn’t just ‘limerence’ or ‘affair fog’ was it. as much as he wanted to deny it.

in the end I couldn’t take being with someone who clearly isn’t physically attracted to me and doesn’t love me. Taking it one step at a time right now, he hasn’t moved out yet but we’re in separate bedrooms.

OP posts:
DiscontinuedModelHusband · 06/02/2023 16:04

well done for putting your own feelings further forward OP.

i can say from personal experience that's often extremely difficult, however crappy your situation might be.

Youpillock · 06/02/2023 16:37

I'm so sorry you've had such an awful time of it. The next few weeks and months aren't going to be easy but I can tell you something. Making the decision to separate, taking back some control and not having to live under this constant shadow will keep you going through the tough times. Feeling second best/unloved/unwanted etc is no way to live and puts untold strain on you. Best foot forward now op. If you can afford it, go to a therapist. It's a great outlet and helps to get all the noise out of your head.

psychstudent8 · 06/02/2023 16:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as we don't allow research on the main talk boards.

PeacefulPottering · 06/02/2023 17:32

Really glad to hear you are doing alright Dumpling, although not the outcome you probably would have wanted.
I do feel now you have made the decision it will be easier to focus on you and your children and not on him and his feelings/wants/ desires. It's all about YOU now and you can look to the future.
Separate bedrooms is good. You have space and time to plan without having to see him.
Try to focus on you now. Get your hair done,rejig clothes,make up. It's a cliche but it really helps to give you confidence.
Be aware as well, he may panic in the next few months that you are taking control back and try to change your mind. Especially if he's been in contact with OW and she doesn't want to know.
Hopefully he will be amicable and help you navigate a split and put your kids first. Just don't put him first anymore. X

Bansheed · 06/02/2023 17:48

OP, you poor thing. FWIW I believe you are making the right decision. Living with that would completely destroy you.

He did this to you, his wife and your children. Not you

Ladybug14 · 06/02/2023 18:01

Here's the thing that I get now, that I didn't get in my 40's

You're here to be happy. Your children come first and then you MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY

You don't think 'if I leave my husband I might not find another romantic relationship '

It's not about being in a romantic relationship

It's about making sure you are happy, fulfilled, joyful, content

That's it

Original poster
dumpling12 · 06/02/2023 18:12

Thanks all, I agree it’s a relief to have finally made the decision rather than subconsciously waiting for it to happen again which is inevitably would have!

@Ladybug14 easy in this case as not really much romantic relationship left with DH anyway…! Wonder how long it will take him to get in touch with OW…

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 06/02/2023 18:16

dumpling12 · 06/02/2023 18:12

Thanks all, I agree it’s a relief to have finally made the decision rather than subconsciously waiting for it to happen again which is inevitably would have!

@Ladybug14 easy in this case as not really much romantic relationship left with DH anyway…! Wonder how long it will take him to get in touch with OW…

Not long xxx

But you are worth SO much more than being an afterthought

You are an amazing woman ..... please remember that

He is not the architect of your future. You are

Stay strong and focused

PeacefulPottering · 06/02/2023 22:15

Just wanted to bump x

Nowthatlovehasperished · 06/02/2023 22:17

If you still want to stay together you have to get counselling to process the affair and to unpack everything else.

Original poster
dumpling12 · 06/02/2023 22:24

@Nowthatlovehasperished I will for myself but I think as a couple we are past that now.
he couldn’t even help himself from looking up the OW online, kind of speaks volumes as to his ‘recommitment’ to the marriage…

OP posts:
PeacefulPottering · 06/02/2023 22:30

Hi Dumpling, I feel you have had so many conflicting opinions you are well confused. Do you my love, just look after what you feels okay , Mumsnet can be an awful place if you are confused or not okay. It's your life .

Bansheed · 07/02/2023 03:17

He will have looked her up.as it was an easy short-cut to a serotonin burst and home isn't, as it has his wounded wife.
You will be absolutely fine. He was looking for a quick high to relieve the stress and it put the final nail in the coffin.

It did you a favour really and helped you decide.

Mylaferret · 07/02/2023 07:53

You feel like he doesn't want to have sex with you but i wonder if it's more like you don't want to have sex with him. Having sex with someone usually involves trust, even at the most basic one night stand. He's driven a snowplough through your trust. No wonder you're finding it difficult to be intimate.

You could have so much more than this half life.

Original poster
dumpling12 · 07/02/2023 08:02

@Bansheed possibly, as it’s been so long I reckon it’s to try and get a gauge on what she’s up to. See if she is still around / interested.

could be an escapism thing as you say.

OP posts:
Original poster
dumpling12 · 07/02/2023 08:04

@Mylaferret i think both… I feel stressed about it. But also it wasn’t great pre-affair. He had issues in that department with me, and still does.
presumably not with OW but maybe it the sneaking around that does it for him 😂 or I was just never his type which is basically what he said!

OP posts: