Sex after affair discovery

[dumpling12]

DH and I are both mid forties, been together 20 years.

Just under a year ago I found out he’d was seeing a woman ten years younger and had been for over a year. Full on emotional and physical affair. He’d become distant, moody and I found out after a bit of digging.

We ultimately decided to stay together for DCs. I wouldn’t say it has been easy, in fact it’s been total hell at times. For the most part things are at a point of relative stability.

My reason for posting today is that one of the main issues we have right now is around sex. I know some couples go through a ‘hysterical bonding’ phase. Well, we never had that. We’ve tried to have sex a couple of times since D-day, hardly at all, I found it too traumatic. DH didn’t seem too interested either and hasn’t pushed it. I’m obviously feeling horrible, comparing myself to OW. After a lot of pressing and arguing he admitted she was more his physical type and we’re not alike. I just don’t feel like he’s interested in me in that way at all.

It’s kind of the elephant in the room. I worry if we don’t get this back on track he will have another affair. He says he won’t but I still worry. He just doesn’t seem interested in regaining that intimacy and our sex life wasn’t great before to be honest.

Anyone else had any experience of this, or sex after an affair generally? Is it time to just call it a day if this can’t be recovered? I don’t even know if I still fancy him because I’m so hurt over the affair, or if I just feel the need to ‘fix’ this so he doesn’t go elsewhere, and I also just feel like he doesn’t desire me anymore which is making me so insecure.

TIA x

Well we are supposed to be trying to make it work and we discussed worst case scenario to split. He has not offered any reassurance anyway and of course trust is gone and I no longer feel the same.

dumpling12

a few more thoughts

if you split could you manage , run a home
it’s easy to give great advice but divorce is in no way shape or form easy

are you looking after yourself right now ?
are you working ?
can you start to have a rehearsal for being a single mum ?

when you say ‘keeping up appearances’
for who ? Anyone else other than kids

Financially would be ok if we divorced. I’d have to go back to work eventually (SAHM) which makes me nervous as haven’t for years.
and no one else knows about the affair. I couldn’t deal with the judgement as we’d decided to work on things. Family know we’re going through a rough patch and probably suspect but that’s it.
we have a lot of mutual friends too as been together so long.
splitting would be messy and difficult, but not impossible.
I have a feeling he’d be straight back to OW if she’d have him 🙄 despite what he says!

Well that’s brilliant
you know what
I’d start lining your ducks up
start to make steps towards having a life without him , without necessarily pulling the plug yet

dust up the cv
start living your life more
get your mojo back
flirt ! Really , get your hair done , get some nice underwear and start re engaging with men again
Re start wanking , pleasure yourself again !

you are a woman and a human being
you deserve a life without someone who doesn’t make you feel desired and makes you feel second best

I honestly don’t think you can carry on like this. It will destroy your self esteem. No need to be rash but I’d look for a job and get ducks in a row and start to consider how life would look if you move on.

Look for a job OP, it will make you feel much better to see more life outside your marriage. If it was me I would be working towards leaving, purely selfishly because I would be concerned that once the kids are grown he would on the dating apps looking for a young woman. You are in a better position to rebuild your life now, rather than staying with a slimy cheater.

Appreciate all the advice on here. Having a serious think about whether I want to continue this. As a PP said if that element is near enough dead in the water I don’t know if there’s much chance of recovery.
and I have this sad feeling that if I do end it that DH will deep down feel relieved.
not great.

dumpling12

look after yourself
I kind of hate your husband , sorry 😞
I just wish you could see that you are worth so much more
we all do

The fact you say you think your husband would be straight back to the other woman if you separated tells me everything.

He doesn’t want to be the bad guy so is hanging onto your relationship for as long as possible so he isn’t to “blame” for your marriage not working.

you deserve better!

Oh op, I was in a similar position to you. I discovered my husband's affair with a younger woman (13 years younger) via work emails.

We had been together a long time and married 13 years with two dc (9 and 11 at the time). Mine situation was slightly different in that I knew our marriage was over as soon as I found the messages. The fact he was having an affair was bad enough (after a one off incident 10 years previously and me telling him that there would be no more chances), but it was all the deceit and humiliation that went with what he had been doing. Things he'd said to her about me (which he later admitted was to "show off"). I knew there was no getting past that.

Our sex life was perfectly healthy as well as was our marriage until the affair so it doesn't always go hand in hand...sometimes the ego boost of someone else fancying you and being willing to cross that line with you is enough. Of course the OW is more 'his type'...she's 10 years younger, probably (and certainly in my case) with no children, which lets face it, does have an impact on your body and mind and how 'exciting' you may seem to be to your husband.

It's an easy choice but a weak one. Marriage is supposed to be about growing together...you both age together and go through life experiences together...you don't take a diversion when that path becomes a little boring.

I don't really have a lot of advice for you as like I said, I asked my husband to leave that day. I am almost 5 years on and in a relationship with a man who lets me know every day that I am enough for him. Our kids are happy and see their dad very regularly (I made sure things were kept as amicable as possible for their sake). I do wonder how I'd be feeling at this point if I'd stayed though.

Sunshineandflipflops

what happened to ex
did he end up with ow

anyway go YOU

@Sunshineandflipflops so sorry - it’s horrific reading what they’ve said. DH was telling OW how much he missed her, couldn’t wait to see her, all sorts. Nothing about me. Apparently I didn’t exist in their little world. It’s devastating. I’m glad you’re happier now.
of course DH said it was all ‘limerence’ and he got swept away with it all. Felt bad about himself and it was just an ego boost and a fantasy. Etc etc!

He stayed with OW for a year or so and then it ended (unsurprisingly). I don’t think it was ever really destined to be long term. They were at completely different life stages and I think she resented the time he spent with his children. Thankfully he is a better dad than husband.

he was with his current partner soon after so I suspect there was some overlap. It’s his style.

Sorry, that was in response to @Thisisworsethananticpated

Please read “leave a cheater, gain a life” by chumplady and look up her website. Also “cheating in a nutshell”, which explains the effects that cheating has on the victim.

This isn’t a healthy way to live.

OP I really feel for you.

I ended my marriage under similarish circumstances. I would say take your time - really think in detail about how your life would be if you divorce. Maybe read the some of the divorce/lone parent threads here. They'll be worst case scenarios, but at least you'll be prepared.

Divorce is brutal and expensive, but not as brutal as being a single mum. Honestly I've found it horrendous. Exhausting, lonely and heartbreaking. And there's no guarantee of meeting anyone else decent at this stage of life, or at least it could be many years. I've had around 50 dates (lost count) and no one suitable. Ultimately, I wish I'd stayed till the dc were older - not for their sakes (they're fine) but for myself.

I think I'd almost advise you and my previous self to actually look for someone nicer before ending the marriage. Not have an affair but basically have the chance of a relationship to go to (no guarantees obviously). Given what he's done to you and the family.

He has put you in a horrible dilemma, and like pp I hate him on your behalf!

Really? So being in an unhappy relationship is better than no relationship at all?!

I have a partner now but before I did, I was never exhausted or lonely (not after the initial trauma subsided). I had friends and hobbies and pushed myself to do things that I wasn't always confident about. I also dated and had fun with it! I wasn't looking for my next husband though.

I also had time to spend with my children when they most needed me and actually, I had one less child to look after in many ways.

I'm sorry your experience wasn't good but to advise the op to wait until she finds someone else before leaving a marriage in which she has been disrespected and lied to is absurd. You can be happy/find peace on our own...it's really not the worst thing in the world.

I have been a single mum for 5 years and have a better relationship with my children than I ever have. I work and am independent (I choose not to live with my dp) and am almost divorced and own my own house. It's not all horror stories!

It's true it's not all horror stories but I described my experience.

I'm no happier than I was in the marriage, it's not what people want to hear but it's the truth.

DCs aren’t super young so I could probably manage.
I also think you can be far lonelier in a bad relationship than when you’re actually single. I don’t want to feel second best or like DH has ‘settled’ for the sake of DC which is how I’m starting to feel. He is certainly not behaving as though he wants me in that way.

About10lbstogo

that’s fair enough and it’s your truth x

being a single mums brutal at times
as is dealing with the aftermath and the impact on my elder son and his mental health
in fact through dating I’ve not met many people that didn’t have horrific divorces
and the baggage !

but I’m happier and i can look into the future
the very idea of growing old with my ex scared me

I’ve also met someone I fancy and who fancies me back , now is he the one - no !

I hope things can get better and easier

dumpling12

id reiterate that making plans for you is the way to go now
have a ‘plan myself happy ‘ week (year…)

fuck him (well don't actually !)

but really start to get very selfish and focused on yourself and your dreams and aspirations

Thank you, I’m starting to mentally come round to the idea of leaving.
found out he’d looked up OW on social media this morning (he’d done so a couple of weeks ago but only found out today, didn’t delete his history on his phone which I still check occasionally, sadly). Said it had come up as a recommended friend or something. Well, I thought he’d deleted and blocked her on everything so there we are.
had a huge row anyway, just don’t know if I can be bothered anymore. I’m so tired of going round in circles.
it’s like he wants me to be the one to call time on it honestly. So it seems he is doing all the ‘right’ things but really he’s hoping he’ll be free.

I’m so sorry that’s really horrible for you. My ex husband had an affair and told me about it we had been doing IVF treatment and I wanted to do another course he said he couldn’t commit to that because he met someone else. He said it as calmly as you like. After various huge rows I ended the marriage and he went off to OW & didnt look back! It was only years later that I realised he pushed me to end the marriage to make him feel less bad.

He really doesn’t deserve you anyway. I think you have to think me me me and DC from now on. Don’t waste any more energy thinking of him

I never see how people come back after affairs like these.

Especially men, they have a very hard time faking sexual attraction if it simply isnt there. If his AP was more his type, I don't see how he will go back to OP, admittedly not his type the way OW was, and still be satisfied

Well I kind of get the feeling men will sleep
with pretty much anyone once or a few times. But in a long term relationship? No it can’t be faked. And so here we are.