Sex after affair discovery

[dumpling12]

DH and I are both mid forties, been together 20 years.

Just under a year ago I found out he’d was seeing a woman ten years younger and had been for over a year. Full on emotional and physical affair. He’d become distant, moody and I found out after a bit of digging.

We ultimately decided to stay together for DCs. I wouldn’t say it has been easy, in fact it’s been total hell at times. For the most part things are at a point of relative stability.

My reason for posting today is that one of the main issues we have right now is around sex. I know some couples go through a ‘hysterical bonding’ phase. Well, we never had that. We’ve tried to have sex a couple of times since D-day, hardly at all, I found it too traumatic. DH didn’t seem too interested either and hasn’t pushed it. I’m obviously feeling horrible, comparing myself to OW. After a lot of pressing and arguing he admitted she was more his physical type and we’re not alike. I just don’t feel like he’s interested in me in that way at all.

It’s kind of the elephant in the room. I worry if we don’t get this back on track he will have another affair. He says he won’t but I still worry. He just doesn’t seem interested in regaining that intimacy and our sex life wasn’t great before to be honest.

Anyone else had any experience of this, or sex after an affair generally? Is it time to just call it a day if this can’t be recovered? I don’t even know if I still fancy him because I’m so hurt over the affair, or if I just feel the need to ‘fix’ this so he doesn’t go elsewhere, and I also just feel like he doesn’t desire me anymore which is making me so insecure.

TIA x

Pretty much my story as well although I haven't got remarried and won't (DP understands why).

I also wish I'd just got out of dodge when my ex's affair first came to light but I was worried about the kids etc. and it took me a while to figure out that these things can'g hold a marriage together when someone has betrayed you trust so utterly.

I'm hoping this isn't the case for me either.

I do have a few older friends and some seem to be in this position. They claim that it is a mutual lack of interest but it isn't clear that any of them have spoken to their husbands or partners about it and are sort of assuming that their lack of interest in sex is mutual. I think that shows a real lack of care for their relationships to be honest but I know that some are very much still going through perimenopause so it might be related to that.

We do hear a lot of complaints on MN about grumpy husbands in their 50s who seem more interested in their hobbies than their wives... coincidence? Not saying which came first, but there is a lot of relationship breakdown in the late 40s and early 50s.

@Eleganz sorry to hear that, well done for leaving, and hopefully you’re a lot happier in your new relationship. How long did it take for you to decide to leave your exH? I worry sometimes I haven’t given it ‘enough time’, but equally don’t want to waste my life flogging a dead horse.

think it takes a while to get over the shock too.

It took around 2 years to fully leave him. In some ways it was better in that he was resigned to the divorce when it came and I was less fuelled by anger as well but it was a waste of time. We got married and has kids quite young (first one was while I was doing my PhD, which was fun!) so was only in my early thirties when we split.

I think you are right to be concerned that he might stray again. If someone doesn’t have enough respect to stay faithful or the desire to try and sort out problems as they arise, that is who they are . Once caught out they will usually do their best to talk their way back into you heart, it didn’t mean anything etc . The only thing that didn’t mean anything was you when they were excitedly making plans and meeting up with OW. If sex and intimacy was a problem in the past and despite everything is still a problem now , then tbh that speaks volumes . He obviously does have a sex drive but isn’t very interested in pursuing one with you . This will destroy you over time, you will constantly be wondering if he’s thinking about her , if he’s missing her , if he’s fantasising about cuddling her when you get into bed with him at night . It’s not even about the actual act of sex , it’s the emotional intimacy , the feelings , that is the absolute killer.
I think you need to consider what you want really carefully, to be in a relationship where you don’t feel loved appreciated and desired is the loneliest place in the world . No one deserves to feel like they are second best