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Relationships

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Original poster

How can I resolve this issue about the condom

437 replies

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 02:18

How can I resolve this issue about the condom?

Silly situation where the only thing I been looking for is honesty.

23 years ago, I started dating my now wife, we love each other in a big way, at that moment one day by mistake I ended up snooping into drawers, looking for a pen and I found a box of condoms where one of them was missing, then I found a Diary where she wrote this. “Neither one of us had a condom so we need to wait” , we been thru therapist on and off for 23 years where she's trying to make me understand that she never used that condom with that guy, she wrote as a fantasies that people write in diaries, as a men I truly don't understand how a person write things that are not true, Is that true that women write fantasies in diaries? she's been suffering so much because this, me on top of her on this issue asking for honesty, and always the same story of her saying that she grabbed the condom and fill it with water by curiosity. It’s been 23 years and she can't take it anymore, she's tired and after lots of tears and pain , we are again in therapy, she's still fighting for me insisting that she's not lying, I need to stop on this but all I’m looking is honesty, she's the most honest person I know and I know I’m about to loose her. Please serious comments on this issue.

OP posts:

Lotusflower16 · 09/09/2022 14:30

You seem to ignore the fact that you had no right to ask her about who she had slept with before you started dating. That is none of your concern! Why does it matter? You were not together!

YOU CHOSE to marry her despite having your doubts and then you have punished her for years!

I don't even know why I bother to reply, your own therapist hasn't been able to talk some sense into you.

Darbs76 · 09/09/2022 14:57

You either accept she’s telling the truth (truly accept and let it lie) or you end the marriage. Neither is easy but it’s not fair to live like this. To either of you

Name99 · 09/09/2022 15:12

Did this happen before you met her, the incident in the diary?

LemonDrop22 · 09/09/2022 15:18

I'm a bit lost here.

After you got into a relationship, you found a packet of condoms with one missing/used in your now wife's home.

You read her diary and saw she wrote about a previous boyfriend that there were going to have sex but neither had a condom so had to wait.

My presumption would be that one of them bought a packet of condoms after they had to put off sex due to the lack of one, used it and the packet with the remaining condoms ended up left at her home.

Are you saying that she said when you asked her if they'd had sex ... No. But you didnt believe it because of the packet with one missing condom?

First off, you shouldn't have been reading her personal diary, secondly you shouldnt have been demanding to know if she had sex with a previous partner.

But, since you did.. and she said no (which didn't fit with the packet of condoms with one missing) .... Why did you stay in the relationship with her, get engaged, get married? etc

If it was so important to you that she told the truth about whether she had sex with the previous bf, and you couldn't square her saying no with the condoms .... Why did you go ahead, keep dating, get married?

Could she have used the condom with anothef previous partner?
Why does the missing condom mean she had to have used it with that particular ex she referred to in her diary??

LemonDrop22 · 09/09/2022 15:22

Why were/are you so hung up in this anyway?

Is it entirely honesty .... In which case why did you stay with her and marry her if you felt she was v unlikely to be telling the truth about having not having had sex with the ex she referred to in her diary?

If it's as much or more about her being a virgin and having had no previous sexual partners; did the same apply to you? Were you a virgin with her and feel she had to have been the same. Again, why did you professd the relationship if her being one did not fit with the missing condom?

LemonDrop22 · 09/09/2022 15:23

*progress the relationship

LemonDrop22 · 09/09/2022 15:29

I'd also like to point out that a condom being missing/apparently used from a packet does not 100 per cent mean it was definitely used for penetrative sex.

I've had "encounters" were a condom was opened and attempted to be used, but due to the man not being able to maintain an erection due to a variety of factors - inexperience, nerves, lack of sensation, the fit of the condom, drunkeness ....

Or people changing their mind about going ahead with penetrative sex, people maybe having another type of sex instead etc etc

It wasn't used for full penetrative sex.

Ive had occasions were we started trying to have penetrative sex but couldn't or decided not to proceed.

So it's not impossible she's not lying even if it was that particular ex she says she didn't have sex with.

But the main issue I don't understand is, if it's so important to you that she told the truth and you had such doubts based on the condom packet find ..... Why did you stay with her, get married etc.?

Was it a very short time scale, was it sort of arranged? Are you members of a religious community, did you not feel you could get out of it .....?

BadNomad · 09/09/2022 15:31

Is the guy in the diary significant to you in some way? I'm struggling to understand why you are so obsessed with the idea that that one, single, diary entry is connected to a random box of condoms. You have no idea when she purchased those condoms. You have no idea when that one condom was used. Why would she write that story, but not follow up with "bought condoms, had sex with Frank finally!" ? There is literally nothing to suggest she used that condom with that man.

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/09/2022 15:44

After 23 years you need to just let it go - you’ve been happy enough to build a marriage with her, such as it is, I’d have left you many many years ago.

Dervel · 09/09/2022 16:56

My apologies I hadn’t realised this was all about a potential encounter she had before you two were even an item. You should definitely let this go. Also why are you entitled to honesty from her, when you cannot even be honest with yourself for emotionally abusing her for decades?

Put the shoe on the other foot here, if she had put you through the ringer for 23 years over you violating her privacy, and thus was unable to trust you ever again, and KEPT querying how much of her stuff you went through despite your protestations it was only the condom packet and diary how would you feel?

In your many therapy sessions you been to had any therapist every diagnosed you with anything?

frazzledasarock · 09/09/2022 17:15

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 13:08

Sorry. The issue here is honesty! That's all! wouldn't you be honest to your husband?

Show quote history

No it’s not.

the issue here is you’re controlling abusive behaviour to your wife.

why do women have such low standards. Why the hell did she marry you?

Or did you only start abusing her after you were married?

it’s none of your business what happened prior to your relationship with her

Ofcourseshecan · 09/09/2022 17:16

This OP is beyond belief. If this story is true, and you have been harassing your poor wife for 23 years, for god’s sake let her go now. And get help for you serious mental-health problem.

economicervix · 09/09/2022 17:56

Are you a bot?

The incoherent wittering is insufferable, hope your wife ditches you and enjoys her life.

Flowersintheattic57 · 09/09/2022 20:13

The thing is that even she admits it now , you will never know if she admitted it to just stop you torturing her. It’s like when prisoners are tortured, they admit to things that they never did to stop the torture. You are the torturer here, she won’t admit it and you don’t believe that is the truth, and if she does admit it ,you still won’t know if it’s the truth.
Lose lose.

OldFan · 09/09/2022 20:29

I don't believe her about the filling it with water. But I'm a bit confused @CK0513 - would the her potentially shagging someone else have been before you were a couple? If so, she's done nothing wrong. Some people are just very private about their sexual history I suppose, even if it's nothing colourful.

I often kept some condoms in a drawer BTW, when I used them. Just as a precaution to ensure I had some.

OldFan · 09/09/2022 20:31

And then then any I didn't use lay in there for several years. So my happening to still have them there doesn't mean I was sexually active or anything.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 09/09/2022 20:39

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 03:33

It's a matter of say the truth, That's all!!! I

Show quote history

Have you ever thought that she is telling the truth?
If she now changed her mind and said yes, she did use the condom, she would be telling lies.
I think shes doing the right thing by divorcing you. She should have kicked you to the curb 23 years ago.
Stop trying to force her to lie to you

Aubree17 · 09/09/2022 20:40

Think back to the time.

How long had you been dating? Did you have any suspicion she was seeing someone else?

How do you know she wasn't writing in her diary fantasying about you?

You are destroying your marriage and I believe you have 2 options.

Accept her version of events and put it to bed. You can't continue on this path.
Leave. If it still bothers you after 23 years it sounds like you've become somewhat fixated and obsessed by this.

DatingDinosaur · 09/09/2022 21:08

Dear Diary

My husband is pissing me off. For 23 years now he’s been banging on and on and on about a missing condom in a drawer and reading an entry in my journal implying I cheated on him or something before we were even together. I’ve no idea why he won’t believe me and I’m past caring now. He can believe what he likes. I’ve lost all my respect for him and I’m just in this marriage now for the massive divorce settlement (hi hubby if you’re reading this). I’m at the end of my tether now with him. Short of stabbing him to death in his sleep I really don’t know what to do anymore.

OldFan · 09/09/2022 21:44

He won't stop going on and on, so I can't wait to leave him, even till Wednesday

pointythings · 09/09/2022 22:00

Dear Diary, I think I've found the right company to lay our new patio. Very affordable and even better they can start next Friday. This does mean a lot of bare earth over the weekend, but that's all the better!

Sooverthisnow · 09/09/2022 23:17

What an utter waste of a life, on both parts. Your own, and that of your wife. If you’re not a bot, that is…

Daisybuttercup12345 · 10/09/2022 00:10

You should have split up years ago .

Twawmyarse · 10/09/2022 00:22

So the issue as I see it is she possibly had sex with someone else before you started dating and your issue is that she's lying about it? Why do you care if you weren't even dating at the time? Or are you one of these awful men who only wants to marry a virgin?

k1233 · 10/09/2022 08:34

If she did lie way back then, she could never admit it now. You would never let her forget it. And I think you would be significantly worse than your constant accusations.

You still haven't answered why you are determined not to believe her.

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