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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I resolve this issue about the condom

437 replies

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 02:18

How can I resolve this issue about the condom?

Silly situation where the only thing I been looking for is honesty.

23 years ago, I started dating my now wife, we love each other in a big way, at that moment one day by mistake I ended up snooping into drawers, looking for a pen and I found a box of condoms where one of them was missing, then I found a Diary where she wrote this. “Neither one of us had a condom so we need to wait” , we been thru therapist on and off for 23 years where she's trying to make me understand that she never used that condom with that guy, she wrote as a fantasies that people write in diaries, as a men I truly don't understand how a person write things that are not true, Is that true that women write fantasies in diaries? she's been suffering so much because this, me on top of her on this issue asking for honesty, and always the same story of her saying that she grabbed the condom and fill it with water by curiosity. It’s been 23 years and she can't take it anymore, she's tired and after lots of tears and pain , we are again in therapy, she's still fighting for me insisting that she's not lying, I need to stop on this but all I’m looking is honesty, she's the most honest person I know and I know I’m about to loose her. Please serious comments on this issue.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/09/2022 13:37

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 13:35

jealously? sorry I rather to know the real true and move forward knowing that there's nothing to hide

Show quote history

The whole issue is you’ve decided that’s true and won’t listen to any other explanation.

This has been going on for twenty three years. Surely it’s time to just let it go?

toomuchlaundry · 09/09/2022 13:38

Why do you have a right to know about something that happened before you were together?

Original poster
CK0513 · 09/09/2022 13:39

PurpleDaisies · 09/09/2022 13:37

The whole issue is you’ve decided that’s true and won’t listen to any other explanation.

This has been going on for twenty three years. Surely it’s time to just let it go?

Show quote history

How??? the bad timing is the whole issue here, of why I think is hard to believe, too much coincidence

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 09/09/2022 13:40

toomuchlaundry · 09/09/2022 13:38

Why do you have a right to know about something that happened before you were together?

why not being honest to your husband if there's something to say?

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 09/09/2022 13:40

Why do you have a right to know about something that happened before you were together?

This. It's a simple question OP. What's your answer?

BadNomad · 09/09/2022 13:41

Look, just because you don't understand or like her explanation, it doesn't mean it's a lie. If you don't believe her, you don't believe her. Badgering her for 23 years hasn't changed her answer, has it? So you need to deal with it. It is you who is holding you back and making you miserable.

pinkyredrose · 09/09/2022 13:42

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 13:08

Sorry. The issue here is honesty! That's all! wouldn't you be honest to your husband?

Show quote history

Sounds like she's been honest and you don't believe her.

Original poster
CK0513 · 09/09/2022 13:43

BadNomad · 09/09/2022 13:41

Look, just because you don't understand or like her explanation, it doesn't mean it's a lie. If you don't believe her, you don't believe her. Badgering her for 23 years hasn't changed her answer, has it? So you need to deal with it. It is you who is holding you back and making you miserable.

She's been sending me to therapist for years to stop with the whole idea that she's lying, but is been very hard for me to understand and believe

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/09/2022 13:44

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 13:39

How??? the bad timing is the whole issue here, of why I think is hard to believe, too much coincidence

Show quote history

If you can’t let it go, let her go.

Twenty three years. This is really disturbing.

pinkyredrose · 09/09/2022 13:44

You're the kind of guy that makes my skin crawl.

wellhelloitsme · 09/09/2022 13:45

why not being honest to your husband if there's something to say?

You don't strike me as someone who it's safe to be honest with tbh.

You come across as intense and entitled. You had no right to demand information about someone's sexual history from before you were with them.

The fact you did demand it and clearly felt absolutely entitled to, would make many many people not want to share with you.

The idea you are obsessing over this 23 years on and literally ignoring the overwhelming response (that you're being controlling and emotionally abusive by continually chastising her for this and questioning her) is genuinely frightening when it comes to what you're like as a partner.

You had no right to know. That hasn't changed.

You're punishing her for having a private life before you even met. She is not obligated to disclose details from her sex life previous to meeting you.

You sound like the kind of man who is so intensely aggressive that women are frightened to share the truth with them for fear of punishment. You've punished her for 23 years now... and for what?

When you originally read that in her private diary without permission, why did you feel you had the right to know more details?

What was it about what she wrote that had anything whatsoever to do with you?

Do you have kids? What a toxic, abusive dynamic for them to have grown up under the same roof as.

pinkyredrose · 09/09/2022 13:47

What will you do if she says yes i slept with someone? Will you say thanks for your honesty and never mention it again. Or will you obsess over it and ask for details?

wellhelloitsme · 09/09/2022 13:47

She's been sending me to therapist for years to stop with the whole idea that she's lying, but is been very hard for me to understand and believe.

You sound like the kind of man that women are rightly afraid of.

BadNomad · 09/09/2022 13:49

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 13:43

She's been sending me to therapist for years to stop with the whole idea that she's lying, but is been very hard for me to understand and believe

Show quote history

Do you understand that that is your issue, though? She can't solve your paranoia. It's understandable that she has now accepted that this is never going to change, and she wants to get off this rollercoaster.

Original poster
CK0513 · 09/09/2022 14:04

pinkyredrose · 09/09/2022 13:44

You're the kind of guy that makes my skin crawl.

Really? not fair

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 09/09/2022 14:06

wellhelloitsme · 09/09/2022 13:45

why not being honest to your husband if there's something to say?

You don't strike me as someone who it's safe to be honest with tbh.

You come across as intense and entitled. You had no right to demand information about someone's sexual history from before you were with them.

The fact you did demand it and clearly felt absolutely entitled to, would make many many people not want to share with you.

The idea you are obsessing over this 23 years on and literally ignoring the overwhelming response (that you're being controlling and emotionally abusive by continually chastising her for this and questioning her) is genuinely frightening when it comes to what you're like as a partner.

You had no right to know. That hasn't changed.

You're punishing her for having a private life before you even met. She is not obligated to disclose details from her sex life previous to meeting you.

You sound like the kind of man who is so intensely aggressive that women are frightened to share the truth with them for fear of punishment. You've punished her for 23 years now... and for what?

When you originally read that in her private diary without permission, why did you feel you had the right to know more details?

What was it about what she wrote that had anything whatsoever to do with you?

Do you have kids? What a toxic, abusive dynamic for them to have grown up under the same roof as.

Thanks for being honest, but your comments don't help me

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 09/09/2022 14:08

So you can't answer these questions?

When you originally read that in her private diary without permission, why did you feel you had the right to know more details?

What was it about what she wrote that had anything whatsoever to do with you?

Original poster
CK0513 · 09/09/2022 14:10

wellhelloitsme · 09/09/2022 14:08

So you can't answer these questions?

When you originally read that in her private diary without permission, why did you feel you had the right to know more details?

What was it about what she wrote that had anything whatsoever to do with you?

I just couldn't stop the curiosity, I was a naive about diaries, that's all.

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 09/09/2022 14:11

This thread is like being trapped in Groundhog Day. I can’t imagine this woman living this for 23 years. 23 minutes of this and I am ready to divorce the Op!

Pixiedust1234 · 09/09/2022 14:12

She has been honest with you. Nobody could keep a lie going after 23 years of badgering and with therapists involved. Nobody. Not even a POW.

Now what?

wellhelloitsme · 09/09/2022 14:12

OP can you not consider the fact that as almost every single person in this thread has replied saying you're being unreasonable and abusive and that your obsession with this for 23 years is bizarre... this might be a you problem? Rather than being something you can continue to blame on your wife?

If you had kids together they will have been emotionally harmed by living under the same roof as an abusive relationship.

Your obsession with a few sentences written two decades ago has tarnished your entire adult life. Your entire marriage. And damaged your poor wife's mental health to the point she quite rightly can't stay in the relationship.

Roundthetwistyroad · 09/09/2022 14:12

My skin is crawling too. You need to let your wife go and you need to continue in therapy ALONE so you can work out why you are obsessed and weird and completely stuck in your life. It is not normal to be hung up about something that happened over 20 years ago. Many on mumsnet have experienced much worse but they have moved on and created new lives. You are chosing to remain stuck and your problem is not whether or not your wife cheated, your problem is your own mind.

gamerchick · 09/09/2022 14:15

I really hope this is made up and there are no kids involved if true. You have serious issues Op. Your wife needs to divorce you.

Pixiedust1234 · 09/09/2022 14:17

a 29 year old woman filling a condom with water? really?

And

I was naive about diaries, thats all.

^ both your statements. You can be innocent but she can't. You really are a horrible person. Get help for your paranoia.

wellhelloitsme · 09/09/2022 14:20

I just couldn't stop the curiosity, I was a naive about diaries, that's all.

You're an adult man who couldn't stop 'curiosity' and allowed that 'curiosity' to turn into 23 years of emotional abusing your wife by spending two decades accusing her of a lie about something you had no right to know in the first place.

Aren't you just exhausted? Isn't this a waste of years and years of your time? You could have let it go back then, been happy, been kind and loving to her, been accepting of the fact you have no right to know details of her private sex life from before she met you. You could have had a happy, loving and secure marriage.

You are clearly resistant to any comments that don't fit your narrative which is why therapy hasn't made a difference - you aren't going into it with a genuinely open mind.

You're coming at this from the POV that she's lying and that you need to learn how to accept that, when in fact you should be coming at it from the POV that it doesn't matter if she lied or not because it was about something you had no entitlement to know in the first place.

Your focus should be on stopping emotionally abusing her and working on your ability to self regulate.

I would have said maybe these are intrusive thoughts and you're genuinely struggling to get past them but I don't think you see your own thoughts as the problem, you see her defending herself as the problem.

Mental health wise you aren't a safe person for someone to be in a relationship with.

Take a step back. Imagine you were accused of lying about something personal and private. Imagine you were in fact telling the truth. Imagine someone then accusing you of lying for the entire 23 years following the original incident. Twenty three years. 275 months of being called a liar. By the person supposed to love and cherish you. Over and over again.

She must be absolutely broken down by this. I hope she can get free.