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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I resolve this issue about the condom

437 replies

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 02:18

How can I resolve this issue about the condom?

Silly situation where the only thing I been looking for is honesty.

23 years ago, I started dating my now wife, we love each other in a big way, at that moment one day by mistake I ended up snooping into drawers, looking for a pen and I found a box of condoms where one of them was missing, then I found a Diary where she wrote this. “Neither one of us had a condom so we need to wait” , we been thru therapist on and off for 23 years where she's trying to make me understand that she never used that condom with that guy, she wrote as a fantasies that people write in diaries, as a men I truly don't understand how a person write things that are not true, Is that true that women write fantasies in diaries? she's been suffering so much because this, me on top of her on this issue asking for honesty, and always the same story of her saying that she grabbed the condom and fill it with water by curiosity. It’s been 23 years and she can't take it anymore, she's tired and after lots of tears and pain , we are again in therapy, she's still fighting for me insisting that she's not lying, I need to stop on this but all I’m looking is honesty, she's the most honest person I know and I know I’m about to loose her. Please serious comments on this issue.

OP posts:
ladydoris · 10/09/2022 10:44

I beg you to leave her. You don't believe her and you never will. You never did. And it's fine. It is absolutely fine. You will be fine.

Lozzerbmc · 10/09/2022 12:03

OP So am I right in thinking you have been suspicious of your wife over this issue for the whole 23 years of your marriage?

Username1009 · 10/09/2022 22:15

Don't know if this is a serious post but if it is, you need to let it go or let her go. It happened 23 years ago when you first started dating. Surely if you were that bothered by it, it would have all come to a head a lot earlier on and you would have gone your separate ways.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 15:17

wellhelloitsme · 09/09/2022 14:20

I just couldn't stop the curiosity, I was a naive about diaries, that's all.

You're an adult man who couldn't stop 'curiosity' and allowed that 'curiosity' to turn into 23 years of emotional abusing your wife by spending two decades accusing her of a lie about something you had no right to know in the first place.

Aren't you just exhausted? Isn't this a waste of years and years of your time? You could have let it go back then, been happy, been kind and loving to her, been accepting of the fact you have no right to know details of her private sex life from before she met you. You could have had a happy, loving and secure marriage.

You are clearly resistant to any comments that don't fit your narrative which is why therapy hasn't made a difference - you aren't going into it with a genuinely open mind.

You're coming at this from the POV that she's lying and that you need to learn how to accept that, when in fact you should be coming at it from the POV that it doesn't matter if she lied or not because it was about something you had no entitlement to know in the first place.

Your focus should be on stopping emotionally abusing her and working on your ability to self regulate.

I would have said maybe these are intrusive thoughts and you're genuinely struggling to get past them but I don't think you see your own thoughts as the problem, you see her defending herself as the problem.

Mental health wise you aren't a safe person for someone to be in a relationship with.

Take a step back. Imagine you were accused of lying about something personal and private. Imagine you were in fact telling the truth. Imagine someone then accusing you of lying for the entire 23 years following the original incident. Twenty three years. 275 months of being called a liar. By the person supposed to love and cherish you. Over and over again.

She must be absolutely broken down by this. I hope she can get free.

Ok, after having the opinion of all of you people that I don't know. I'm with a therapist for the the fourth time to try to believe in what she say, and the reason I opened this forum was to ask for some help and advise since I don't have anybody to talk to.
My question to you guys, after 23 years of me asking her and yes mentally torturing which gives me a big pain because that's not what I want.
Do you think she's lying or not? Please help me with a since short answer

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 12/09/2022 15:18

No.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 15:18

pinkyredrose · 12/09/2022 15:18

No.

Thanks!!!

OP posts:
ClareBlue · 12/09/2022 15:32

You don't want the truth you want her to confirm what you think is the truth. Eventually she will just say whatever you want to hear. Then what will you do?

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 15:36

ClareBlue · 12/09/2022 15:32

You don't want the truth you want her to confirm what you think is the truth. Eventually she will just say whatever you want to hear. Then what will you do?

she always say that to me. that she's been saying the truth and she will not tell me something that is a lie just to make me feel like I'm the winner in all this.
But yes I want the truth!

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 12/09/2022 15:44

What do you think the truth is?

marcopront · 12/09/2022 15:45

But yes I want the truth

You don't
You refuse to believe she could be telling the truth.
You want to be right.

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 15:46

You don't want the truth.

You want to be right.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 15:52

pinkyredrose · 12/09/2022 15:44

What do you think the truth is?

That after 23 years she's saying the truth, but why I'm still doubting??? Why???
Why is so hard for me to understand as a sick man I am??? I feel so bad!

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 15:54

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 15:46

You don't want the truth.

You want to be right.

reading your lines, is hearing that from her, and she keep saying NO! I won't tell you something that is not true

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 15:56

marcopront · 12/09/2022 15:45

But yes I want the truth

You don't
You refuse to believe she could be telling the truth.
You want to be right.

That's what she say to me all the time, and she refused to tell me that I'm right even if we lose this marriage

OP posts:
pointythings · 12/09/2022 15:58

So have you accepted that you're the one with the problem and that you have no right to know?

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 15:59

Oh and the point of your therapy sessions shouldn't be to 'try to believe in what she says', they should be to 'try to establish why this topic is still something you're obsessing over and how you can stop doing so'.

That isn't me being sarcastic, it's really really important that you tackle this as a you issue first and foremost, not a relationship issue.

Are you and your wife quite an insular couple? Do you have hobbies and a good social life? There may be some codependency going on as your wife hasn't yet left you despite being emotionally attacked for two decades.

Again, that isn't me being sarcastic, it's me genuinely trying to work out why she's stayed in a relationship that involves her being accused regularly of being a liar about something that happened more than two decades ago.

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 16:00

My question to you guys, after 23 years of me asking her and yes mentally torturing which gives me a big pain because that's not what I want.

It's good that you can see this is emotional abuse of her as I think it will help in therapy if you can admit that.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 16:00

pointythings · 12/09/2022 15:58

So have you accepted that you're the one with the problem and that you have no right to know?

Yes I accept 200% that I'm the one with the problem, my question was after 23 years do you think she's lying yes or no?

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 16:02

Yes I accept 200% that I'm the one with the problem, my question was after 23 years do you think she's lying yes or no?

If you accept you're the one with the problem, why is your question whether or not she is lying?

Your question should be 'why have I been unable to let this go' and 'how can I move on from this without relying on her answer as her answer isn't going to satisfy me'.

Lotusflower16 · 12/09/2022 16:06

It doesn't matter what we think, it matters what you think. And you don't seem to believe your wife. Your question is pointless because you think she lied.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 16:06

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 16:02

Yes I accept 200% that I'm the one with the problem, my question was after 23 years do you think she's lying yes or no?

If you accept you're the one with the problem, why is your question whether or not she is lying?

Your question should be 'why have I been unable to let this go' and 'how can I move on from this without relying on her answer as her answer isn't going to satisfy me'.

because for me everything turned to an obsession looking for the truth! and that's why I created this forum since I have nobody to talk to, That's all!
To know people opinions in both genders not only the women side, which is been my case with all the female therapists we have seen! I'm always create some kind of anxiety and looking for an excuse to think she's lying, the last one was always female therapists

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 16:08

Lotusflower16 · 12/09/2022 16:06

It doesn't matter what we think, it matters what you think. And you don't seem to believe your wife. Your question is pointless because you think she lied.

do you think that's the problem here? and what do you think please be honest

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 16:09

I truly appreciate all your help, I need to resolve this issue and try to recover my wife and my best friend forever!

OP posts:
pointythings · 12/09/2022 16:09

The answer is irrelevant. You don't need the answer. You need to deal with your obsessive, controlling, jealous nature and you need to accept that you have no right to know anything about your wife's life before you and she became a couple.

Failing that, you need to let her divorce you, give her everything she wants in the divorce and never go near her again. You should not be in a relationship.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 16:10

pointythings · 12/09/2022 16:09

The answer is irrelevant. You don't need the answer. You need to deal with your obsessive, controlling, jealous nature and you need to accept that you have no right to know anything about your wife's life before you and she became a couple.

Failing that, you need to let her divorce you, give her everything she wants in the divorce and never go near her again. You should not be in a relationship.

ok. Thanks for your honest opinion

OP posts: