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Original poster

How can I resolve this issue about the condom

437 replies

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 02:18

How can I resolve this issue about the condom?

Silly situation where the only thing I been looking for is honesty.

23 years ago, I started dating my now wife, we love each other in a big way, at that moment one day by mistake I ended up snooping into drawers, looking for a pen and I found a box of condoms where one of them was missing, then I found a Diary where she wrote this. “Neither one of us had a condom so we need to wait” , we been thru therapist on and off for 23 years where she's trying to make me understand that she never used that condom with that guy, she wrote as a fantasies that people write in diaries, as a men I truly don't understand how a person write things that are not true, Is that true that women write fantasies in diaries? she's been suffering so much because this, me on top of her on this issue asking for honesty, and always the same story of her saying that she grabbed the condom and fill it with water by curiosity. It’s been 23 years and she can't take it anymore, she's tired and after lots of tears and pain , we are again in therapy, she's still fighting for me insisting that she's not lying, I need to stop on this but all I’m looking is honesty, she's the most honest person I know and I know I’m about to loose her. Please serious comments on this issue.

OP posts:
TattoedLady · 09/09/2022 09:10

Everything happens before we started dating. My only issue here is trust.

So 23 years ago before you started dating your now wife, she was seeing someone else and wrote a line in her diary - neither of us had a condom so we had to wait - and you read it, and you want to know did she sleep with another guy before you started dating her?

If he was the first man she was thinking of sleeping with, then there's every chance she opened one condom to test the waters so to speak, to see what it feels like etc. But honestly, none of that is your business.

I suspect the real "truth" you're after is whether your wife was a virgin when you married her.

Either way you've been obsessively hounding your wife for the "truth" and blaming her for your trust issues and need for therapy for 23 years...for something that may have happened before you met her? Your behaviour is insidious.

Marineboy67 · 09/09/2022 09:43

One man to another why on earth did you marry her? If you had this hanging over you in the beginning you should've walked away not go through 23 years of torment. Irrespective of what did or didn't happen your not getting past this. Let her go and give both of you some peace. Your never going to know the truth what ever she tells you.

squashcakes · 09/09/2022 09:44

Such double standards on Mumsnet. If someone posts they think they're partner is cheating. Going through their phone, find my phone, following them is actively encouraged. If there is infidelity then the wife is tondemand transparency and be allowed to bring it up time and time again to allow her to work through it. They are to demand change and reassurance and have free access to their phones. The replies on here beggar belief.

AlisonDonut · 09/09/2022 09:45

squashcakes · 09/09/2022 09:44

Such double standards on Mumsnet. If someone posts they think they're partner is cheating. Going through their phone, find my phone, following them is actively encouraged. If there is infidelity then the wife is tondemand transparency and be allowed to bring it up time and time again to allow her to work through it. They are to demand change and reassurance and have free access to their phones. The replies on here beggar belief.

Unbeggar yourself - this was from before she even met him. So you can relax.

TiaraBoo · 09/09/2022 09:59

You only want to hear what YOU believe is correct.

  • all women only write factual events in diaries and
  • Your girlfriend had cheated on you.
What is your reaction to these 2 “facts” being incorrect? As it doesn’t appear to be an option for you.

Your wife must be a saint to have married you and stayed married for 23 years of you telling her to lie to you so that you believe you were right.

wellhelloitsme · 09/09/2022 10:03

squashcakes · 09/09/2022 09:44

Such double standards on Mumsnet. If someone posts they think they're partner is cheating. Going through their phone, find my phone, following them is actively encouraged. If there is infidelity then the wife is tondemand transparency and be allowed to bring it up time and time again to allow her to work through it. They are to demand change and reassurance and have free access to their phones. The replies on here beggar belief.

He read her diary while they were dating and saw that before they were a couple, she wrote about someone else.

He demanded details and has consistently accused her of lying about them for twenty three years.

Someone defending or justifying that "beggars belief"!

SunflowerGirl91 · 09/09/2022 10:35

Wow a lot of incredibly hypocritical posts on here because, surprise surprise, OP is a man!

women are advised ALL the time on here to go snooping and searching on their husbands.

Christ alive if a woman posted on here that the packet of condoms in her husbands drawer had 1 missing then everybody would be telling her to leave!!! And if he constantly denied it you’d all be saying he was a liar and abusive for gas lighting her

OP, did she cheat? We don’t know. Do I know any grown women who would randomly fill up a condom with water? No I don’t. Do I know any woman who would make up stories in her diary? No I don’t think so. In all honesty I imagine she probably did cheat and after years of saying she didn’t, she’s not going to then admit she did. She probably is exhausted and just wish you’d drop it - if you love her and want to be with you then you’re going to have to drop it, regardless of whether you think she cheated or not. The fact you’re constantly searching for honesty says you don’t believe her.

AlisonDonut · 09/09/2022 10:37

SunflowerGirl91 · 09/09/2022 10:35

Wow a lot of incredibly hypocritical posts on here because, surprise surprise, OP is a man!

women are advised ALL the time on here to go snooping and searching on their husbands.

Christ alive if a woman posted on here that the packet of condoms in her husbands drawer had 1 missing then everybody would be telling her to leave!!! And if he constantly denied it you’d all be saying he was a liar and abusive for gas lighting her

OP, did she cheat? We don’t know. Do I know any grown women who would randomly fill up a condom with water? No I don’t. Do I know any woman who would make up stories in her diary? No I don’t think so. In all honesty I imagine she probably did cheat and after years of saying she didn’t, she’s not going to then admit she did. She probably is exhausted and just wish you’d drop it - if you love her and want to be with you then you’re going to have to drop it, regardless of whether you think she cheated or not. The fact you’re constantly searching for honesty says you don’t believe her.

Hi.

This was from before they met.

Hope that helps. You could have just read the thread of course but where's the fun in that?

pointythings · 09/09/2022 10:51

So you've spent 23 years hounding your wife about something that happened before you were a couple? Man, you're lucky you aren't resting under a patio. She needs to leave your abusive ass.

Hoppinggreen · 09/09/2022 10:52

SunflowerGirl91 · 09/09/2022 10:35

Wow a lot of incredibly hypocritical posts on here because, surprise surprise, OP is a man!

women are advised ALL the time on here to go snooping and searching on their husbands.

Christ alive if a woman posted on here that the packet of condoms in her husbands drawer had 1 missing then everybody would be telling her to leave!!! And if he constantly denied it you’d all be saying he was a liar and abusive for gas lighting her

OP, did she cheat? We don’t know. Do I know any grown women who would randomly fill up a condom with water? No I don’t. Do I know any woman who would make up stories in her diary? No I don’t think so. In all honesty I imagine she probably did cheat and after years of saying she didn’t, she’s not going to then admit she did. She probably is exhausted and just wish you’d drop it - if you love her and want to be with you then you’re going to have to drop it, regardless of whether you think she cheated or not. The fact you’re constantly searching for honesty says you don’t believe her.

She wasn’t his wife at that time, they hadn’t even met you muppet
OP sounds controlling and weird at best

MMmomDD · 09/09/2022 11:07

I hope she finally leaves. Your obsessive jealousy is abusive - I am sure it has affected the relationship over the years.
Such a waste of life for both of you.

You don’t want that truth/honesty. She already told you the truth over and over.
You have some sort of masochistic need for her to confirm a fantasy you created in your head.

Sadly - I think you are beyond help, as professionals have tried helping you all ready, and failed.
This tread won’t change anything either

squashcakes · 09/09/2022 11:40

@AlisonDonut you sound pleasant 😀

Sunnidaze · 09/09/2022 11:46

squashcakes · 09/09/2022 09:44

Such double standards on Mumsnet. If someone posts they think they're partner is cheating. Going through their phone, find my phone, following them is actively encouraged. If there is infidelity then the wife is tondemand transparency and be allowed to bring it up time and time again to allow her to work through it. They are to demand change and reassurance and have free access to their phones. The replies on here beggar belief.

This happened 23 years ago.
Before they got together.

pinkyredrose · 09/09/2022 11:55

You snooped through her stuff, read her diary and harassed her all through your marriage. And you think her honesty is the issue? It's not, it's your obsessive behaviour that's the problem. You disregarded her privacy, I'm surprised she's still with you. Sort your head out, go to counselling alone before you fuck up another 23yrs.

Brefugee · 09/09/2022 11:56

she's been saying for 23 years the same story, and after so much pain and tears , she's tired and wants to divorce,

She needs to get rid of you. You are an absolute menace to keep harping on at this. Leave the poor woman alone

wellhelloitsme · 09/09/2022 12:03

SunflowerGirl91 · 09/09/2022 10:35

Wow a lot of incredibly hypocritical posts on here because, surprise surprise, OP is a man!

women are advised ALL the time on here to go snooping and searching on their husbands.

Christ alive if a woman posted on here that the packet of condoms in her husbands drawer had 1 missing then everybody would be telling her to leave!!! And if he constantly denied it you’d all be saying he was a liar and abusive for gas lighting her

OP, did she cheat? We don’t know. Do I know any grown women who would randomly fill up a condom with water? No I don’t. Do I know any woman who would make up stories in her diary? No I don’t think so. In all honesty I imagine she probably did cheat and after years of saying she didn’t, she’s not going to then admit she did. She probably is exhausted and just wish you’d drop it - if you love her and want to be with you then you’re going to have to drop it, regardless of whether you think she cheated or not. The fact you’re constantly searching for honesty says you don’t believe her.

They weren't even together when she wrote the diary entry.

So your claims of hypocrisy / anything to do with cheating are really odd.

HTH.

Lotusflower16 · 09/09/2022 12:53

So basically you don't believe her. That's the issue. She may as well have slept with the guy, so what? How does that change your current situation?
Why is it so important especially if it had happened before you were together?

Original poster
CK0513 · 09/09/2022 13:08

Lotusflower16 · 09/09/2022 12:53

So basically you don't believe her. That's the issue. She may as well have slept with the guy, so what? How does that change your current situation?
Why is it so important especially if it had happened before you were together?

Sorry. The issue here is honesty! That's all! wouldn't you be honest to your husband?

OP posts:
Lotusflower16 · 09/09/2022 13:16

As far as you know she's been honest all these years and you still don't believe her. Isn't it odd?
Why would you obsess so much over something that had happened when you were not together? Is the guy she supposedly slept with of any importance to you?

I am honest to my husband and at the same time he wouldn't ask me about stuff that had happened before we met. I think everyone is entitled to some privacy and if they choose not to disclose some things from the past due to various reasons like fear of being judged, shamed etc and as long as these things don't have any impact on the relationship/marriage, their choice should be respected.

gamerchick · 09/09/2022 13:16

She probably has been honest and you've abused her for years. You need to give yourself a good hard slap and tell her to get as far away from you as she possibly can.

pointythings · 09/09/2022 13:19

Sorry. The issue here is honesty! That's all! wouldn't you be honest to your husband?

The issue here is your obsessive jealousy and controlling abusive nature. What your wife did before you were a couple is none of your business. I hope she divorces you soon and takes you for everything she can. Meanwhile you need to go back to counselling and admit that you are a deeply dysfunctional man who has major issues around control, jealousy and healthy relationship boundaries. Frankly you are terrifying.

marcopront · 09/09/2022 13:26

@CK0513

Sorry. The issue here is honesty! That's all! wouldn't you be honest to your husband?

Unless you have evidence she used the condom to have sex the issue isn't honesty as she could be telling the truth now.

Original poster
CK0513 · 09/09/2022 13:33

Lotusflower16 · 09/09/2022 13:16

As far as you know she's been honest all these years and you still don't believe her. Isn't it odd?
Why would you obsess so much over something that had happened when you were not together? Is the guy she supposedly slept with of any importance to you?

I am honest to my husband and at the same time he wouldn't ask me about stuff that had happened before we met. I think everyone is entitled to some privacy and if they choose not to disclose some things from the past due to various reasons like fear of being judged, shamed etc and as long as these things don't have any impact on the relationship/marriage, their choice should be respected.

Agree a 100% with you. What about me? What about my sanity? Why is so hard for me to believe that your naive wife got a condom and fill it with water do you think is good to feel that your wife is playing with your intelligence? after everything I read, she said she's not lying

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 09/09/2022 13:35

pointythings · 09/09/2022 13:19

Sorry. The issue here is honesty! That's all! wouldn't you be honest to your husband?

The issue here is your obsessive jealousy and controlling abusive nature. What your wife did before you were a couple is none of your business. I hope she divorces you soon and takes you for everything she can. Meanwhile you need to go back to counselling and admit that you are a deeply dysfunctional man who has major issues around control, jealousy and healthy relationship boundaries. Frankly you are terrifying.

jealously? sorry I rather to know the real true and move forward knowing that there's nothing to hide

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 09/09/2022 13:36

marcopront · 09/09/2022 13:26

@CK0513

Sorry. The issue here is honesty! That's all! wouldn't you be honest to your husband?

Unless you have evidence she used the condom to have sex the issue isn't honesty as she could be telling the truth now.

a 29 years old woman filling a condom with water? really?

OP posts: