How can I resolve this issue about the condom

[CK0513]

How can I resolve this issue about the condom?

Silly situation where the only thing I been looking for is honesty.

23 years ago, I started dating my now wife, we love each other in a big way, at that moment one day by mistake I ended up snooping into drawers, looking for a pen and I found a box of condoms where one of them was missing, then I found a Diary where she wrote this. “Neither one of us had a condom so we need to wait” , we been thru therapist on and off for 23 years where she's trying to make me understand that she never used that condom with that guy, she wrote as a fantasies that people write in diaries, as a men I truly don't understand how a person write things that are not true, Is that true that women write fantasies in diaries? she's been suffering so much because this, me on top of her on this issue asking for honesty, and always the same story of her saying that she grabbed the condom and fill it with water by curiosity. It’s been 23 years and she can't take it anymore, she's tired and after lots of tears and pain , we are again in therapy, she's still fighting for me insisting that she's not lying, I need to stop on this but all I’m looking is honesty, she's the most honest person I know and I know I’m about to loose her. Please serious comments on this issue.

The only ‘help’ you need is a signed divorce certificate. Why not go away? Tedious.

@CK0513 Please could you ask your wife to start her own thread about this situation from her point of view? So we can provide her with the support and advice she needs?
As for you - you have no right to abuse your wife for 23 years over things that happened before you met her. That is her personal life. It doesn't matter if she is lying or not, maybe she does not feel she can safely tell you the truth, no normal person obsesses and abuses someone for over 2 decades about their past.
My partner and I have had sex with other people before we met each other, it wouldn't cross his mind to ask me any intimate details because it's none of his business and his sex life prior to meeting me is none of my business.
Please get your wife to start her own thread and we can provide her with the genuine support to allow her to leave this abusive, manipulative situation.

I don't care about virginity at all! I do care about trust!

Forgot to tell you this! I been asking for years!!!!!!!!!!!! do you want the divorce????? the answer is Yes! Ok then tell me the truth about the F>>>> condom and I will leave you right now and the answer is guess what!!!! NOOOOOOOOO! I won't say something that is not tru to make you feel good! I won't lie to myself to make you feel happy.

I never asked about past sexual life, that's not my problem.

In that case OP, it sounds as if she has been telling you the truth all along and she will not lie to you to make you happy. She has given you the answer you've been bullying for, but it's not acceptable to you, so you don't believe it.
That isn't the real issue though.
The real issue is the abuse you think it's acceptable to put her through for 23 years because you don't believe her when she's telling you the truth.

So you don't care about virginity.

So it's about whether she lied about having had sex with that guy.

What is her explanation for the missing condom?

Did she use it with another guy?

Did she unwrap it to use with diary guy but not use it/not have full penetrative sex?

@CK0513 I've got a hypothetical question.
If, when you first met your wife and invaded her privacy by reading her diary, and then told her you read her diary and asked if she'd used the condom to have sex with this man. If she said "yes, what I wrote in the diary is true and we then had sex using the missing condom", what would you have said/done? Is there any reason why your potential reaction may have put her off telling you this if this is the truth?

YOU are the one causing YOUR suffering. YOU are the one causing YOU pain. It is all YOU.

She isn't lying OP. The fact you still think she is won't ever give you peace.

She isnt, she's put up with this for years. You're not being fair.

@CK0513 I agree with the above - the only pain here is the pain being caused to your wife by you, because you cannot accept that what she is telling you is the truth.
She has no reason to lie. There is nothing wrong or shameful about having previous sexual partners before meeting the person you're with now, so as long as she hasn't got a reason to be fearful about your reaction, she has absolutely no reason to lie.

...Is there a reason why she'd be scared to tell you that she's had previous sexual partners? If not, she wouldn't need to lie. If she is not scared of you and your reactions, you can presume she is telling the truth, and the fact she has stuck to the same story for 23 years further insinuates that she is telling the truth.

The only pain being caused is by the one who has abused his wife for 23 years, I'm afraid.

Defending my abuse??

Yes, you keep doing so.

Do'n you think I'm suffering too????

Yes, you're unwell and suffering in that sense. You're still abusing your wife and not prioritising her suffering over your own, despite the fact you're the perpetrator and she's the victim.

My pain is real and I don't want to cause any pain to the love of my life.

Then stop abusing her.

You know what? you don't help me! you are aggressive towards me because I been honest about my situation

I haven't been aggressive. I've been honest.

Aggressive is accusing someone of lying for twenty years when they've repeatedly said they haven't lied.

If you didn't believe her, you shouldn't have stayed with her, got engaged, got married, got kids and continue the whole time to call her a liar. Why did you do all those things if you couldn't let it go and thought she was lying?

I can only imagine the sessions she's sat through of you accusing her, shouting at her, not stopping accusing her when she's pleading with you to stop. That's aggressive. And I'm sure you do passive aggressive very well, too.

You are the snooper who read her diary, I would not be forgiving you. You sound horrible and controlling. I am astonished she has stayed so long.

OP there was a poster on here just today saying she'd cheated on her boyfriend at 18, he suspected and she lied for 10 years. My DH was telling me he loved me and trying to line up other people for 25 years, I suspected and he lied the whole time. He also said many times that he wouldn't say what I wanted to hear because he'd be lying then (this wasn't true he was already lying), he'd literally say anything and was very convincing. People can lie for a very long time is the point I'm making.

IMO the chances are she did it and now has backed herself into such a corner she can't get out - and if she hasn't admitted it yet I doubt she ever will. Why would she change her approach now, after all this time? What she did only makes sense in the context that she cheated. No one makes up stories about sex in their diary while coincidentally having a box of condoms with one missing. When I found out the first few things about DH it quickly became clear that anything that didn't add up was because he was lying. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it probably is a duck.

You know this already though. So surely it's time now just to either walk away or accept she probably did it, feels it was a terrible mistake but can't cope with owning up - and choose to put it behind you and not mention it again. The only other choice is to continue in this misery.

You say you only care about trust...

You don't trust her. You're convinced she's lying. You can't accept her version of events, so there's your answer. Doesn't really matter if she did or she didn't. Stop torturing the both of you.

You don't have the right to remain married to her if she wants a divorce.

You don't have the right to withhold a divorce from her until she "confesses" something to you.

So you obsessive thoughts and behaviours about other things, OP? Have you tried medication?

Ok I will tell you
No! I don't care about anybody virginity!

Yes, It's about if she had sex with the guy Which I don't care either

I will use the words lots of people is been using on me, I been torturing my wife looking for the truth about the missing condom that she say she filled it with water as curiosity. That's the problem I have for 23 years. For not believe in that story and after she sent me in the last 23 years to therapist to make me believe she's not lying! I still doubting that's all!!! Stupid right?

I would've say by then 23 years ago. Thanks for being honest but its been the opposite all this years

Thanks for your honest answer

Defending my abuse?? Do'n you think I'm suffering too????

That doesn't mean you're not abusive.

^My question to you guys, after 23 years of me asking her and yes mentally torturing which gives me a big pain because that's not what I want.
Do you think she's lying or not? Please help me with a since short answer^

You still are not making it clear if this was before you were even in a relationship. If you weren't in a relationship at the time, she's done absolutely nothing wrong @CK0513 , even if she, as a single person, got off with someone. Your interest is prurient. You could read/watch Othello or something.

You don't seem to have any friends. I wonder why. I wish you well in therapy.

You could also chat/chat again to your GP. This issue is effecting your marriage. They would take it seriously.

I agree 100% with you.
After 23 years suffering and me suffering, me on top of her for an answer that I don't received, always denying, always been in different therapists to convince me she's not lying,

After 23 years saying no I didn't do it!!! she say I won't tell you something that is not true to make you happy!!! I won't lie to myself to make you happy!!!

That's a way to say it. Do you want the divorce?ok tell me the truth , its not that I'm witholding anybody to divorce

But she say no! I won't tell something to make you happy!