Dating Thread 233 - Being Our True Selves

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Hello jangolina how’s your weekend going ?

Thank you - ill in bed and glued to Mumsnet ! 😁😁😁

I’ve decided to just read the thread now and no longer post. I think it helped to get everything of my chest over the past few weeks, but seems nothing will change with MM situation. 1 month this week, 1tick next to his photo. So instead of dwelling on it i have to make peace with this new reality and do my best try to move on. So i’m still here in the background reading with interest. 🤩 Hope you’re all having nice weekends

Naimee87

i get you don’t want to contact him
but genuinely do you know he’s ok and thriving ?
what’s the risk in doing some kind of search to know that he’s at least still around ?

my concern is you have a story ‘nice guy , hot sex , connected ‘ then he totally ghosted me and hurt me

but until you know he is still around (and did that ) , it’s going to be very hard to heal from it and reconcile

Quick question…

I’ve been dating someone for a few weeks. He seems very keen on me although I’ve expressed to him that I want to take things slowly. He’s twice now made the point that he doesn’t want to date anyone else. He’s away with work at the moment so I thought I’d go on the app to see if his location changed, i.e. whether he actually meant it. His location has changed 🙄 and I know it only changes if you open it.

I actually wouldn’t mind at all if he was still dating other people. It’s the bullshitting me I don’t like. Bin off or am I being too harsh?

Big hug Naimee , I’m with Worsy on this. I’d like to know what happened …we still want your input if you think we are going off the rails…we appreciate your comments 🥰

@IodineQueen I wouldn't bin yet - he might have gone on to read your thread or check out your pics 🤷‍♀️

@IodineQueen …I think you don’t need these promises so early on to be honest. I really really think that if you are the right one he will choose you no question because we always end up choosing the one person. I’m incognito on bumble and I check from time to time feeling quite smug I found a really really handsome articulate man there. But I also think it’s way too early. We started chatting 12 August and had first date 23 August. I was insanely into him to be honest and threw caution to the wind. It’s been quite intense but I expect him to meet other women or at least browse. I don’t think he’s meeting other women though. You know deep down

I’ve seen MrO’s bumble on his phone with lots of notifications when we first spent weekend together. I did not care one bit. He’s always available to me on the phone and I really don’t need him to drop anything. I know he’s not seeing anyone else. He texted last night he was thinking of me more than it’s healthy. That’s enough. I think I’m the crazy one and he’s the controlled paced one.

I agree with Slothy …he might have just checked your pics

I’m very conflicted and premenstrual today…I really don’t know what I want yet but I don’t really think I want to meet MrEx…it feels wrong finally

Hmm maybe I’m being a bit harsh then! I’m so wary of men’s intentions these days.

I do like him and he ticks most of the right boxes, but I’m finding it difficult to work out whether my hesitancy is coming from fear (after an abusive relationship and a lot of trauma previously) or if I’m just not feeling a spark. I’ve only ever felt a spark about one person I’ve dated though - my most recent ex - and that came from knowing him as a friend for several months and admiring him from a safe distance. And even then I still remember feeling really awkward and wondering whether I really wanted to be with him when we started properly dating. I’m very avoidant.

I don’t know whether to keep seeing him and see if feelings grow or to leave it. We haven’t slept together yet and I keep going backwards and forwards about whether I want to. But mostly backwards. I wish I found this stuff easier as I do really want to be in a nice relationship.

@Naimee87 i agree with worsy and mila… what if something has actually happened to him, you want to know either way? Id say at this point you have nothing to lose and just for yourself to gain your own peace of mind to check he’s not dead or something mad? He might have been a loser and ghosted but i really think it would be good for you to know. 💐 whatever you decide.

@Mila14 love the way youre just going with the flow on your situation and you definitely sound like someone who flows with their feelings and heart, and I think living truly like that pays off. Im a bit like that too but think i need to be even more like you 🙂

sorry but completely non dating related (unless you count it in the grander scheme of things) day 11 of tee total here 💪 and its so easy this time… i feel very proud and delighted with myself 😁 and I feel SO much better mentally cutting the booze out!! 🥛 cheers!

@Mila14 CONFIDENCE!!
“I’ve seen MrO’s bumble on his phone with lots of notifications when we first spent weekend together. I did not care one bit. He’s always available to me on the phone and I really don’t need him to drop anything. I know he’s not seeing anyone else. He texted last night he was thinking of me more than it’s healthy. That’s enough. I think I’m the crazy one and he’s the controlled paced one”

i REALLY admire this. I want this to be me 🙂🙂

Hey. I’m dipping back into this thread (I’m a very occasional visitor tbh).

have had 3 “first dates” now and have thrown all 3 back. No horror stories, just no spark.

im also finding when chatting to people that they seem to get a bit stroppy when I can’t commit to making them my number 1 priority in life. I have a busy job and 2 kids with disabilities so sometimes a date will have to wait.

I know everyone wants someone who will be important to them, but how do you explain to someone they will have to sometimes not be the top priority?

how do you explain to someone they will have to sometimes not be the top priority?

@FloydPepper i don’t think you do. Anyone who assumes they should be top priority in the dating stage isn’t worth bothering with IMO.

You’re right, there’s just a part of me that feels, I don’t know, mercenary, for saying “you’ll have to fit around me”

I know on here we’re encouraged to do that, but that’s mums and I’m a dad. A busy dad.

@FloydPepper , agree with PP, if you are a parent, your kids come 1st and others have to fit around you , and those who disagree get the push

So the weekend was a bust, she bailed on with no warning and a fucking piss poor excuse, I was so pissed of , angry & upset all at once.
i don’t know why some people think that sort of behaviour is acceptable, it’s fucking not.

I’m done with dating & women.

Aw @HowlongWillThisTakeNow I'm so sorry to hear that. Any wonder we lose faith in the process. So disappointing for you.

@FloydPepper I understand what you are saying about fitting around you but in reality both parties are fitting around each other in the successful pairings. Personally I would find the fact that someone is a busy, hands on dad a very attractive trait.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow gosh I’m so sorry to read this update. Why on earth would she flake on you at such a late point. It seems at odds with how positive she has been about seeing you and spending time together. Do you think whatever caused her to bail might be something she’s uncomfortable about being truthful with you about? Something connected to her marriage or DC ? Or something physically personal that she didn’t know how to explain? I understand your frustration as last minute cancellations without what feels like a full truthful explanation cause a very unsettled feeling. Maybe she will come back with some more clarification.

@IodineQueen ..,if you are not crazy to fumble in bed with him it’s a no. So many men so little time. I can’t be with anyone I don’t fancy crazy. I tried in the past and I can’t do it.

oh…please give her a chance to explain herself. She bailed put of seeing you one day but maybe she had real reasons for that. Please…calm…let her explain.
You are not done neither is she
calm the fuck down and wait a bit

@Thisisworsethananticpated & @mila & @ButterflyOfShay thanks! I love reading everyones updates and posts. Seems everyone here is juggling kids(teenagers aaaah mine’s one tomorrow), work, pets, hobbies OLD or current squeezes and the chaos of life in general 😂 i spent some time with a friend today whose known the MM story since the beginning and she thinks i should just accept he’s gone and move on. I just fluctuate from thinking thats the best idea to what you are all thinking, what if something has happened. I deserve to know but my opinion is it has to come from him. I think if someone isn’t in touch these days its because they don’t want to be. I could be mistaken but 9/10 this is the case. I got DSs birthday celebrations tomorrow and my fantastic dad’s coming to visit, hopefully the truck tour takes place and the week after a trip abroad with work. So i’ll do my best to focus on all that. Thanks though! Hope you’re having lovely sundays! 😌 Mine is blissfully peaceful in the countryside with the doggy! She’s helped tremendously through all this and doesn’t even know it!

I thought about this carefully FloydP…I’m a mum too and have busy schedule. I can understand a very busy dad and people with mental stressful job but I make little allowance these days. I want the one of us with more constraints to have the say on meeting etc, With Mr O…its around me and my issues. With Mr Ex normally it was around him and his issues. Im a bitch. It's not working for me having to bend over a guy’s priorities. I resent it.