Dating Thread 233 - Being Our True Selves

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Thanks so much guys. Really appreciate it. Have woken (got a minuscule amount of sleep but whatever) feeling this is a new day and already rear view mirror and key lessons learned.

Wondering about writing him a 'that's really not an ok way to behave and hope he never does it to future people' letter. It's probably not worth the energy but will make me feel less voiceless and like I've had the chance to show him how shitty he's been.

But I guess he must already know that and doesn't give a flying....

Yes yes to self-love and physical/mental health. The dog is the winner in this as couldn't bear it when I stayed overnight poor lamb

There is absolutely nothing wrong with sending a closure letter, but make sure that it serves your needs, not his.

Good old doggo that's lovely for him to have you home. Mucho dog love and gym time and buying of flowers for yourself ❤️

Here's some from my garden for you this morning ❤️

It's not that they don't give a flying fuck... it's that they're SO cowardly that their fear of being confronted about their behaviour overrides everything else. It's spineless.

They always come crawling back don’t they! Must have felt very satisfying to know that you had zero interest in rekindling anything.

"Hilarious that his original profile states how he tries to take care of people's feelings and has good morals"

That was your first red flag. Anyone who says anything about how well they treat people don't. If you're a nice guy, you don't feel the need to say you're a nice guy.

Your second red flag was him not asking about you. I go with the three strikes and you're out approach. If someone has answered three of my questions and not asked me one back I stop chatting to see if they get the message. They usually don't get back to me, so that says everything.

The problem with red flags is that they're often only visible in hindsight. I think we tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and focus on the good points when we're looking for someone to be with. Because if we're too ruthless we'll never find anyone!!

The most important thing is that this is NOTHING to do with you. As others have said, he's a user and a coward and this is what he does. You are way too good for him. It is so hard to understand why someone can engage as you did F2F and then just move on. Because that's not how we think and that's not how you operate. You care about people's feelings. You think about things. You treat people with kindness. He is a worthless wanker and you deserve someone as lovely and considerate as you. But man it hurts. We're all here for you xxx

Slothmomma

jesus (mason)
wtf was that all about
ugh

have to say I’m pleased now I didn't block Balkan

but deleted 😇

Spot on Bella …I have had to block because I felt threatened.

If I am on WhatsApp with someone , have dated him and want to let him go I just say softly I want him to move on as I don’t really know what I want …or if we have not yet met, I send them best wishes and say I want to meet someone else. Simple

However, I am guilty of low texting count sometimes. Simply because I am unsure or I am not bowled over. I normally prefer to meet in person
I only go mad texting when I like the guy a lot and feel very attracted ( happened with Mr O!)

But I totally see how Oncey feels. Once you have DTD and spent time together there should be a gracious bow out. No need to be cruel but just something that puts closure and allow both sides to move on. Oncey needs closure…of indeed he wants to move on….but we don't know yet because we don't really know for sure he’s blocked her

Worsy…better not to block but delete. If you block…you can unblock. Whereas deleting means you can no longer contact him. I always delete 😊

By the way Worsy…you sound great. Keep hitting the gym and loving yourself this month

I would delete the chat and number at this stage @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss as blocking lets him know he’s got to you. Assuming you have no reason to fear stalking etc.

I would also draft a letter which would coldly analyse his pathetic behaviour (including promising the earth in bed, delivering a cold pudding) and his incredibly bad manners at the end. I wouldn’t let him see into my feelings beyond my contempt. Like you I won’t let some man choose to silence me. But I wouldn’t send it for a week or so, to let him think he’d got away without being called out. And I would send it in a typed envelope.

I've only ever blocked for safety reasons too - like the guy who turned nasty when I wouldn't agree to stay over on second date and started hounding me for money back for drinks bought on first date or the guy in the relationship that I called out and I thought he might turn nasty because scared I would out him (he's back on apps under a different name now).

Have my second date tonight with Mr medic 😁 As its only second date I've just bought him a bottle of wine and a card as a token gift as didn't want to turn up empty handed on his bday. Looking forward to seeing him again. Messaging has been fun and not anxiety inducing which is always good - and he's sent some lovely pics including a uniform one which has made me swoon 😆

Slothmomma

ahhhh ! Love a possible good news story
gives me hope as I know you’ve had some crashing crap ones
havnt we all !

Mila14
im so so , pretty ❤️‍🩹 and sad still

but feeling more peaceful and less angry

I’m also likely starting HRT which sits with me better than increasing SSRI x

@Badbaddogagain …I would be terrified of creating huge conflict here.
I think it’s wrong to get into the bed performance. I could have with MrO and decided to be gracious when I dropped him. It’s just not necessary to create more agro. The point here is not sexual but about being human and disengaging from a relationship giving proper closure to it. My opinion but of course Oncey will do what she thinks right

including promising the earth in bed, delivering a cold pudding

😂😂 again mean, but funny 😆

Oh my Slothy pic in uniform of Mr Medic…swoon… very good re wine and card. Excellent idea
I can’t believe a guy wanted his money back. WTF?? I’ve been in very posh restos first dates and closed the chance to a second date. I would absofuckinglutely block anyone asking me to pay back anything

@Badbaddogagain
im in a social/ sports club with about 50 or 60 other blokes mostly over 50, so your comments are so funny, we are always ribbing each other about our advanced age and various health maladies , the old farts club …

Worsy…please consider HRT. Many women are prescribed SSRI when in fact they are premenopausal. Im on the pill to regulate my pre menopause and it’s great. My gyno is a woman in an all women clinic and she believes in starting BEFORE menopause. It does not work with everyone ( you need to stay healthy and very fit and have a lot of tests and no women type cancer in family). Its an option to us. I started to feel weird at 44 although still regular with period. A few blood tests opened my eyes. Almost 46 and already on anti-conceptive/ pre HRT treatment. As I said before I get a lot of criticism…it’s not for everybody

I’ve always suspected I’m actually a man… 😂

@Mila14 he hasn't been gracious to @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss so why should she be kind to him? It’s the patriarchy innit, conditioning us to be nice. I’m not nice.

Just my perspective though, obviously @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss will do what is right for her .

Yea @Mila14 what a gem he was. I wouldn't mind but he was drinking a pint and spirit chaser to my ciders and I offered to pay half on the night and even pushed the money across but he point blank refused to take it - until of course I wouldn't agree to sleep with him and then I got bombarded with messages as he found me on social media accounts and sent his bank details 😆

Badbaddogagain

I agree he deserves a shit kicking , deplorable

my reason for avoiding confrontation is more mental health related and mental peace

I know if I sent message in this scenario I’ll be bag of nerves waiting for a reply
and I’ll use so much limited emotional energy
but also they don’t care , so you lose energy for something fruitless

im a firm fan of completion but sometimes weak people will never give you that sadly

but we are all different 😊

Slothmomma

word to the motherfucker !!!!
he sent his bank details for a few ciders
😂😂😂😂

sorry ! You have to laugh else you cry

He SENT HIS BANK DETAILS!!!! Whaaaat???

I’m just too scared of knee jerking and agro so avoid confrontation, especially as he has my name and details. It’s self protection on my side

Glory be guys Mr Art did not block me so got my ' what's up?' gif this morning and swiftly replied (a meh one liner)

Yay as now I get to be the bigger person & finish it with grace and kindness and no need to send a snot-o-gram typed and in a Manila envelope to his home or be forever left wondering Wtf happened. Who knows maybe getting my 'This is not meeting my expectations. Thanks for the fun times.' text will have him pick up the phone but if not no matter.

Everyone's comments here as so very very helpful and supportive. I need to remind myself what is important is true connection not a set of so called desirable attributes.

Q-asking has forever been top of my list of must-haves and each time I allow a pretty/tall/interesting/funny/charming man through the net who doesn't have any actual interest in me as a person I ALWAYS kick myself and get bruised by the experience. It is NEVER EVER worth it.

From here on (or when I rejoin OLD) this becomes the MAIN criteria for early binning off. I WILL be true to myself on this front.

Super beautiful rose there @BelladiMamma many thanks for taking and sharing. Much appreciated.

Plus everyone's top comments

'Promising the earth and delivering cold pudding' 🤭
I feel bad for him. But not my issue. If he was actually into me and had been from the get go it would be a couple issue but he's not so his lazy willy is not on my list of things to be concerned about.