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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating partner

104 replies

Olivasand · 05/09/2022 23:34

I have just found out this evening that my fiance has cheated on me. I did ask him before this but he denied it. I have had my suspicions for a while and have just seen the texts sent confirming my fears.He doesn't yet know that I know. I have her number but don't know how to approach this. I feel heartbroken.
Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2022 23:37

You tell him to leave and that it's over, that's how you approach it. Don't call the other woman, she has nothing to do with this.

Unicorn717 · 05/09/2022 23:38

Get rid of him.

Original poster
Olivasand · 05/09/2022 23:38

Thank you for your message. I am humiliated.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 05/09/2022 23:39

Well unless he is utterly devastated by what he has done, is really truly sorry, repentent and can explain what happened and why, he will be very likely to do it again and again and again. Awful for you but best to know his true self before you’d got married. Hope you have some good friends to confide in as well

Original poster
Olivasand · 05/09/2022 23:40

Thank you, yes I have some good friends. I have never been through this. I am heartbroken.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2022 23:42

You'll get through this, I assure you. For as awful as this is, thank fuck you discovered this before you got married. Any shame involved belongs solely to him.

Original poster
Olivasand · 05/09/2022 23:46

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2022 23:42

You'll get through this, I assure you. For as awful as this is, thank fuck you discovered this before you got married. Any shame involved belongs solely to him.

Thank you, I loved him so much.

OP posts:
Arsepants · 05/09/2022 23:48

What a total cunt to do that to you. I'm sorry

Original poster
Olivasand · 05/09/2022 23:49

Arsepants · 05/09/2022 23:48

What a total cunt to do that to you. I'm sorry

And my other post previously on here was about him calling me a cunt. And he called it me again just last week.

OP posts:
Nsky62 · 05/09/2022 23:50

Awful doesn’t love you enough

Lozzerbmc · 05/09/2022 23:54

It is utterly heartbreaking I know but it does get better in time and thank goodness you arent married. Do you have a house together?

Unicorn717 · 05/09/2022 23:55

Just saw a little bit of your other post... I know it's hard to leave sometimes but he shouldn't have had another chance then. You deserve better.

How would you feel if you had children that were being treated like this?

Lozzerbmc · 05/09/2022 23:58

I thought I would never get over it when it happened to me. I was wrong I did get over it. It took a while but I got there with the help of my friends! Looking back I realise it was the making of me. You will get through it- I know its hard to think that but you will. Let your friends help you

drinkfeck · 05/09/2022 23:59

Firstly I'm sorry. You didn't deserve any of this. Don't feel humiliated or bad in any way. Hold your head up high.

I just had a brief scroll through your other post. Don't put up with this. He sounds horrific.

If I read it right it's your place but he has keys? Kick him out. Change the locks. Regroup. Maybe therapy to help deal with your toxic upbringing that's no Doubt effecting your relationship choices now.

But just remember you deserve better.

I am so sorry you're going through this Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2022 00:00

You are well rid of this arsehole, op. You really are. He's done you a massive favour by showing you who he really is.

Original poster
Olivasand · 06/09/2022 00:00

Lozzerbmc · 05/09/2022 23:54

It is utterly heartbreaking I know but it does get better in time and thank goodness you arent married. Do you have a house together?

He was living mainly with me, I rent my house. He wanted to have it all official but I just knew something wasn't right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olivasand · 06/09/2022 00:04

drinkfeck · 05/09/2022 23:59

Firstly I'm sorry. You didn't deserve any of this. Don't feel humiliated or bad in any way. Hold your head up high.

I just had a brief scroll through your other post. Don't put up with this. He sounds horrific.

If I read it right it's your place but he has keys? Kick him out. Change the locks. Regroup. Maybe therapy to help deal with your toxic upbringing that's no Doubt effecting your relationship choices now.

But just remember you deserve better.

I am so sorry you're going through this Flowers

Thank you so much. I was so attached to him, because he treated me quite badly sometimes and would often go off and tell me he didn't need to tell me where he was. I was believing everything to a point because I didn't want him to leave me. I am recently divorced and lost everything. I can't believe he has taken advantage of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olivasand · 06/09/2022 00:16

Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2022 00:00

You are well rid of this arsehole, op. You really are. He's done you a massive favour by showing you who he really is.

Thank you. I'm sure in time I will see it that way. I know you are right.

OP posts:
CantGetDecentNickname · 06/09/2022 00:34

It sounds as though deep down you knew it didn't feel right. He clearly could see that you had recently been through a tough time and were vulnerable so probably targeted you thinking you'd be desperate enough to put up with his behaviour for the sake of having a man in your life. Please don't ever put up with this. He needs to leave right now so put a chain on the door if you have one, stay home and call a locksmith first thing. Bag his stuff up (black sacks will do) and put it outside. Text him to come and collect and that it is over and you don't want to hear from him again. Then block him and avoid.

You will feel down for a while, so please reach out to your friends. A few years from now you will realise that you have dodged a bullet. There are nicer guys out there.

Original poster
Olivasand · 06/09/2022 00:37

CantGetDecentNickname · 06/09/2022 00:34

It sounds as though deep down you knew it didn't feel right. He clearly could see that you had recently been through a tough time and were vulnerable so probably targeted you thinking you'd be desperate enough to put up with his behaviour for the sake of having a man in your life. Please don't ever put up with this. He needs to leave right now so put a chain on the door if you have one, stay home and call a locksmith first thing. Bag his stuff up (black sacks will do) and put it outside. Text him to come and collect and that it is over and you don't want to hear from him again. Then block him and avoid.

You will feel down for a while, so please reach out to your friends. A few years from now you will realise that you have dodged a bullet. There are nicer guys out there.

Yes he knows the vulnerable side. He even said himself that I always do the chasing when he treats me badly

OP posts:
blockpavingismynightmare · 06/09/2022 00:39

The problem with men like this is they see you as a soft touch and have no respect and it sort of creates a pattern where you think it's all your fault and worry and wonder what you can do to make things right.
You can't. He has hurt you and called you names. You need to block him and let him do it to someone else.. because he will.

Original poster
Olivasand · 06/09/2022 00:42

blockpavingismynightmare · 06/09/2022 00:39

The problem with men like this is they see you as a soft touch and have no respect and it sort of creates a pattern where you think it's all your fault and worry and wonder what you can do to make things right.
You can't. He has hurt you and called you names. You need to block him and let him do it to someone else.. because he will.

Yes he blames me, and says I deserve to be called a C* because I question where he has been.

OP posts:
blockpavingismynightmare · 06/09/2022 00:44

Don't question anything now. You know all you need to know. Do not allow him to occupy your mind. Block and walk away. There is no coming back from cheating and abuse

Original poster
Olivasand · 06/09/2022 00:48

blockpavingismynightmare · 06/09/2022 00:44

Don't question anything now. You know all you need to know. Do not allow him to occupy your mind. Block and walk away. There is no coming back from cheating and abuse

I would like answers, as in how recently it has happened, I feel like I want to contact the other woman but I want to be able to have some self respect. I have feeling so unwell recently knowing he was up to something, and all the while he would blame me.

OP posts:
CantGetDecentNickname · 06/09/2022 00:50

He is a horrid person and the things he says are just plain nasty. Don't believe a word of it as they are just his words, not reality. You don't "deserve" any of this; he is just trying to condition you to put up with his behaviour. Please don't go along with this.

If you want to do something positive, try to work on your self-esteem as it has taken quite a battering. Please be kind to yourself and ask your friends to help.