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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating partner

104 replies

Olivasand · 05/09/2022 23:34

I have just found out this evening that my fiance has cheated on me. I did ask him before this but he denied it. I have had my suspicions for a while and have just seen the texts sent confirming my fears.He doesn't yet know that I know. I have her number but don't know how to approach this. I feel heartbroken.
Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olivasand · 06/09/2022 00:51

CantGetDecentNickname · 06/09/2022 00:50

He is a horrid person and the things he says are just plain nasty. Don't believe a word of it as they are just his words, not reality. You don't "deserve" any of this; he is just trying to condition you to put up with his behaviour. Please don't go along with this.

If you want to do something positive, try to work on your self-esteem as it has taken quite a battering. Please be kind to yourself and ask your friends to help.

Thank you. Where do I begin to work on my self esteem? I feel lost.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2022 00:52

Op, please don't lower yourself by chasing him for "answers." There are none other than he's a horrid prick. You will be very wise to never speak to him again. Don't give him a chance to abuse and gaslight you further.

CantGetDecentNickname · 06/09/2022 00:53

I would like answers, as in how recently it has happened, I feel like I want to contact the other woman but I want to be able to have some self respect.

This is very understandable as it is a shock, but it won't help or make any difference. Try to ignore and walk away, however hard it is to do. Dwelling on it would be a type of torture and he's not worth it.

blockpavingismynightmare · 06/09/2022 00:54

You won't get answers, or at least you won't get any comfort from knowing the details. To ask and probe is only going to make things worse for you. He won't care and will probably enjoy your distress.

Tell him to get lost. What right did he have to trash you?

Original poster
Olivasand · 06/09/2022 00:56

Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2022 00:52

Op, please don't lower yourself by chasing him for "answers." There are none other than he's a horrid prick. You will be very wise to never speak to him again. Don't give him a chance to abuse and gaslight you further.

I already felt rock bottom, I have a couple of friends but I don't have a wide circle of people or family to turn to. I completely poured my whole heart and time to him

OP posts:
Original poster
Olivasand · 06/09/2022 01:00

blockpavingismynightmare · 06/09/2022 00:54

You won't get answers, or at least you won't get any comfort from knowing the details. To ask and probe is only going to make things worse for you. He won't care and will probably enjoy your distress.

Tell him to get lost. What right did he have to trash you?

I know you are right, it's so painful as it is. And thinking of the nice times we did have just makes it worse and difficult to handle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olivasand · 06/09/2022 01:02

Thank you so much for your support

OP posts:
Original poster
Olivasand · 06/09/2022 01:02

CantGetDecentNickname · 06/09/2022 00:58

Thank you very much.

OP posts:
blockpavingismynightmare · 06/09/2022 01:07

The nice times you had were a lie really OP. He showed you what he is really like and it is time to move on. There will be nice times ahead with someone new who won't do this to you.
What you need to do is stop thinking of the past and look at how he is behaving now.
Six months from now you will wonder what you ever saw in him

Original poster
Olivasand · 06/09/2022 01:21

blockpavingismynightmare · 06/09/2022 01:07

The nice times you had were a lie really OP. He showed you what he is really like and it is time to move on. There will be nice times ahead with someone new who won't do this to you.
What you need to do is stop thinking of the past and look at how he is behaving now.
Six months from now you will wonder what you ever saw in him

I am taking everything on board from all of you and I really appreciate your advice. Like I said previously my social circle is very small which is why I might find this harder to get over.

OP posts:
Carlycat · 06/09/2022 02:05

You've had a lucky escape. In time you will realise that Flowers

MsDogLady · 06/09/2022 02:37

Olivasand, I know you are gutted, but I am not surprised that he’s a lying cheat. In the year you’ve been together, he has repeatedly abused you both privately and publicly.

He is a small, cruel man who gets his kicks by tormenting others. He says he has every right to call you cunt and tell you to fuck off. Whenever you go out he inevitably starts in on you at the table or humiliates you in front of his friends. You take his degradation and say you’ll do better. He blame-shifts and never apologizes.

Your mother normalized you to verbal abuse/name-calling and you wonder if that dynamic is your destiny. You’ve jumped from one abusive relationship to another. I so wish I could convince you that you deserve equality, kindness, fidelity, respect and honesty from a partner who cherishes you.

Olivasand, I strongly advise you to end things immediately with this utter Loser who enjoys diminishing you. Consider individual counseling to strengthen your self-esteem and boundaries. Flowers

Original poster
Olivasand · 06/09/2022 03:50

MsDogLady · 06/09/2022 02:37

Olivasand, I know you are gutted, but I am not surprised that he’s a lying cheat. In the year you’ve been together, he has repeatedly abused you both privately and publicly.

He is a small, cruel man who gets his kicks by tormenting others. He says he has every right to call you cunt and tell you to fuck off. Whenever you go out he inevitably starts in on you at the table or humiliates you in front of his friends. You take his degradation and say you’ll do better. He blame-shifts and never apologizes.

Your mother normalized you to verbal abuse/name-calling and you wonder if that dynamic is your destiny. You’ve jumped from one abusive relationship to another. I so wish I could convince you that you deserve equality, kindness, fidelity, respect and honesty from a partner who cherishes you.

Olivasand, I strongly advise you to end things immediately with this utter Loser who enjoys diminishing you. Consider individual counseling to strengthen your self-esteem and boundaries. Flowers

Thank you for your kind response.. Yes its a normal environment for me to have someone call me names, shout at me, tell me I am stupid, and for me to still want them to not leave me. I don't understand it myself.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 06/09/2022 06:52

Olivasand, you must dig deep to change that destructive mindset where you cling to damaging relationships.

You have grown children. What would you advise them to do if they were in abusive relationships?

Buildingthefuture · 06/09/2022 07:33

Why did he do it? Because he wanted to. It’s as simple as that. It’s NOTHING, absolutely nothing to do with you. You could have been a super model and the perfect girlfriend and this prick would still not be able to keep his pants on. This isn’t your fault op, but only you can make this better for you. Put his stuff in bin bags, change the locks, block, delete, avoid. I know you want answers, but the answer is he’s a selfish, abusive, small minded thundercunt and frankly, he’s never going to admit or acknowledge that. I would strongly recommend you just never, ever speak to him again, but I know that’s going to be hard. So, when he blames you, says it’s your fault he did it because you did/didn’t do XYZ, dig deep, summon your inner warrior (she’s in there somewhere I promise!!) and LAUGH IN HIS FACE. He doesn’t deserve a single tear from you, not one. Stand firm here op, you CAN do this. Then, as pps have said, get yourself into therapy to work on improving your self esteem and setting reasonable boundaries. Good luck xxx

Original poster
Olivasand · 06/09/2022 07:52

Buildingthefuture · 06/09/2022 07:33

Why did he do it? Because he wanted to. It’s as simple as that. It’s NOTHING, absolutely nothing to do with you. You could have been a super model and the perfect girlfriend and this prick would still not be able to keep his pants on. This isn’t your fault op, but only you can make this better for you. Put his stuff in bin bags, change the locks, block, delete, avoid. I know you want answers, but the answer is he’s a selfish, abusive, small minded thundercunt and frankly, he’s never going to admit or acknowledge that. I would strongly recommend you just never, ever speak to him again, but I know that’s going to be hard. So, when he blames you, says it’s your fault he did it because you did/didn’t do XYZ, dig deep, summon your inner warrior (she’s in there somewhere I promise!!) and LAUGH IN HIS FACE. He doesn’t deserve a single tear from you, not one. Stand firm here op, you CAN do this. Then, as pps have said, get yourself into therapy to work on improving your self esteem and setting reasonable boundaries. Good luck xxx

Thank you for this message. I am in tears reading this. I am yet to confront him, I will think of all of you who have responded to me as a support behind me because I know full well he is going to blame me and say some nasty shit. I know.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 06/09/2022 08:20

He is a selfish nasty man and you are well rid of him because he is not good enough for you. You won’t get the answers you need its simply he wanted to cheat so he did. There is no point contacting the other woman it won’t help. I appreciate it must be tempting but it will just make you more sad.

I would suggest getting some counselling to help you think about your life going forward. I did this after I got divorced and it really helped me focus on the future and feel less daunted.

Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Olivasand · 06/09/2022 08:25

Thank you, yes counselling is definitely my next move.

OP posts:
abblie · 06/09/2022 08:26

Do you know her?

I would call her and say you know about the cheating and thank her for taking a scumbag off your hands 💥

GentlemanJay · 06/09/2022 08:28

If anyone called me a cunt I'd be out of the door in a flash.

Original poster
Olivasand · 06/09/2022 08:30

No I don't know her, but I believe they have known each other quite a long time and she is married.

OP posts:
MrMrsJones · 06/09/2022 08:38

Do the freedom programme when you feel ready.

Right now, just bag up his stuff, have someone with you while you kick him out.

If he trys to explain, tell him you don't want to hear it. That will frustrate him, that he can't worm his way out of it.

Perhaps a quick message to her husband will help as well.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/09/2022 10:52

Olivasand · 05/09/2022 23:38

Thank you for your message. I am humiliated.

He's the one who's been a twat so he's the one who has humiliated himself by proving he's not good enough for you.

Buildingthefuture · 06/09/2022 11:59

She’s married? My, what a lovely pair they are! Leave them to it op, don’t speak to either of them! She’s obviously of dubious morals but, if it hadn’t been her, it would have been someone else. She’s irrelevant. And he, just like every other lying toad, who gets caught sticking his dick where he shouldn’t, he will just blame you. The script will go….it’s YOUR fault because:
You didn’t pay him enough attention
You didn’t have enough sex
He was drunk
He is a sex addict
She came onto him
it was only once (it never fucking is!)
He is stressed
He is depressed
They only…..kissed/groped etc etc (also never true)
Honestly, it will be any one or a combination of the above, you could literally play bullshit bingo with the utterly typical shite these blokes spout. There is nothing special
about him op, he’s just your run of the mill toe rag. Hold your head high, you’ve done nothing wrong. But, throw this one back and (sorry) arrange an STI test xx