Older men hitting on teen DD

[GrossedOutByOlderMen]

NC for this one.

I have a 16 year old daughter who has suddenly become very beautiful. She is the youngest of 4 girls so I am used to blossoming teens suddenly gaining male attention, but this is totally different. And I am not stealth boasting, this is making me feel ill...

She gets stopped in the street, constantly catcalled and "bothered" when she's out and about which she gracefully ignores, but she has started a job as a waitress and is being propositioned on a daily basis while she's trying to work.

But the horrible thing is it's almost always by men in their late 30s, some even older. I've seen them in action - they literally follow her out of the restaurant to get her number as I wait in the car to pick her up, and they are quite pushy.

She always drops the fact that she's 16 into conversation (although tbh she doesn't look much older - eg cant buy alcohol) but that doesn't deter them at all. Yesterday we went out to the cinema and some 40 year old bloke was trying to pick her up IN FRONT OF ME despite knowing her age and that I am her mum?! I am absolutely disgusted by it - I know she is "legal" but it just feels really grim.

She is a quiet girl and is embarrassed by the attention - she would be mortified if I ripped into someone, though I was VERY tempted last night - she said she was 16 and had a boyfriend but the guy wouldn't drop it. She wanted to leave early so we came home 🙁.

Her boyfriend is also 16, and boys her own age might flirt / try to get her Snap but they don't act this way towards her. When my older girls were that age I was a big believer in letting them sort their own issues out but she just feels really vulnerable.

It's affecting her confidence and tbh I'm increasingly furious (she doesn't feel safe getting the bus any more after 1 incident, has started wearing ridiculous baggy clothing.....) I feel helpless because if she was 6 months younger she would be a child and the "rules" would be different. But she IS still a child!

How should she / I handle it? (Before I lose my shit at one of them and end up in the papers!)

Oh God your poor daughter! I'm so sorry I have no advice at all but hopefully this might bump your thread.

Sadly she's going to have to develop a thick skin. Make sure she's good at saying no and not feeling the need to be nice and chatty/friendly.
Shut these men down and don't give them any encouragement, however unintentional.
What creeps they are.

I was with my daughter in town a few weeks ago and she was walking ahead. A couple of guys in the thirties starting jeering at her, I was about to jog over and say something when I heard her say in a loud voice 'I'm 14, you nonce'.

i didn't feel the need to add any comments after that, they certainly looked uncomfortable to have it returned to them like that in a crowded street

How absolutely disgusting 😠 WHY would men be creepy like this!!! This is horrible! Sorry I have no advice other than what PP said but I'm really horrified too. 😢

This used to happen to me. I would dress down, and make myself as unattractive as possible. It's absolutely disgusting how these 'men' behave.

Ugh how horrible. Sometimes I bloody hate men. Maybe some self defence lessons would help her feel less vulnerable and more powerful generally. It is annoying that she is the one who has to respond rather than men not being dicks but doing something that makes her feel strong physically might help her feel strong in other ways too so she can tell them to fuck off.

Your poor daughter.
sadly I’m not sure what you can do, other than give her safety advice about what to do if she is uncomfortable with someone’s behaviour towards her.

Your poor daughter.

A friend's daughter had same issue but rather creepily it has lessened since she got older, she's 20 now. Grim.

Use to happen when I was a teenager and wearing school uniform 🤦🏻

I'd probably encourage her to get another job. She shouldn't have to, but if she's uncomfortable working in that environment, the best thing to do is give it up and find a job elsewhere.

Started happening to my daughter when she was about 14. She loved swimming but I suddenly noticed much older men staring at her, making us both very uncomfortable. We luckily have or had women only sessions at our pool and she was much more relaxed. She is now 18 and has developed a killer death stare which helps. Its shit

I Understand your perspectives op, all the best, and some self defense classes may help, better to be Jason Bourne style trained, and hopefully not need the skills.

I had this at that age and I still do now at 30, as I do look young. My dad ended up losing his shit once when we was out shopping! I can honestly say now I just laugh and walk away or flat out tell them no. Definitely gives you a thick skin! Never stops making me cringe inside though. I absoloutly hate it.

It sounds horrific. Maybe help her with some techniques to handle these situations but it won't be easy.

A false phone number to get rid of the really persistent ones.

Avoid eye contact.
A few stock phrases which will end any conversation rather than engage it.

Do not mention that she is 16 as that probably encourages them. Just a brusque 'you are old enough to be my dad' response might be better + eye roll.
A personnel safety alarm which can be used when it gets too much even before any physical contact is attempted.

This used to happen to me a lot when I was around the same age. My go-to was ‘I’m under 18 you paedophile’.. they soon stop talking to or showing any attention once you drop that word. Say it above speaking volume too to capture the attention of those nearby

I have an 11 year daughter who is very pretty, and looks much older because she is very tall for her age. She wears my clothing and makeup. I let her as I think she has a right to express herself. Dressed up, then she could easily pass for 15-16 years, and I see all the pervs having a look up and down when we are out. She doesn't get approached by anyone over 18 with me around doing the death stare. She has teenage boys about 18 chatting her up in front of her Dad. He gets angry about it, but I explained this is old as time for womankind. The key is teaching young girls and women to know their value and shut down unacceptable behaviour right away. Knowing this is how it will be, I have taught her to be street smart and know her value. I haven't liked addressing mature topics with a child, but it has been necessary and I hope the open relationship we have will prove helpful in the long run (ask me anything sort of thing). I told her she is not a bit of eye-candy, but an intelligent girl. I told her no man who tries it on in the street or makes cheap compliments is worth her time, as they are chasing dozens on the same day and that isn't special. I told her they are losers who objectify her for how she looks, and not what she achieves. Fortunately she is bright and intellectually years ahead of her age, as well as emotionally grounded. I am fortunate to have a daughter like this, and very proud of this. I told her not to get flattered by the cheap attention, and focus on her education so she can be an independent woman and follow her dreams. She knows how to shut down unwanted attention with her acid tongue. Wednesday Addams eat your heart out. She understands this is not flattering to be admired by men in this way, and that she should wait to meet someone one day who adores her for who she is...creative, artistic, funny, eccentric, kind and loving...pretty fades, personality stays. This is the approach I recommend for your daughter. Teach her that her value is not in her looks, but who she is, and what she achieves. That self confidence means she will not take rubbish treatment off people as she becomes an adult.

I agree, if they persist knowing her age then a loud 'I'm a child you paedophile' should shut them down

Echoing many others here and saying she's going to have to tackle them one by one. Poor girl! I went through it too (huge boobs came in very early) and learned who I could get away with calling a "pervert" and who to completely ignore and move away from. Its sad that with all thats happened in recent yrs theres still men frothing at the mouth over young women. Disgusting! Hope she doesn't get too bothered by it🤍

My daughter has had this as well, every waiting on job either the customers make her uncomfortable or the boss is hitting on her. She’s a Uni student so luckily can just leave these jobs but what about young women who need this work. I’ve ended up saying just get a job in a supermarket with good HR.

Ugh I am so disheartened by this. Your poor daughter. I really thought we might have moved forward in the past 20 years but seems that we haven’t. This is my general experience of all waiting on and bar jobs I have ever had, treated like a piece of meat. And I wouldn’t even describe myself as especially attractive tbh.

Gosh,
what does she look like to get this much attention?
I’ve never heard of such thing!

We have the same. Dd2 basically looks like a super model. She’s only 13 but looks at least 16. I’ve had men well into their twenties come up to hit on her with me standing right there 🙄. She’s already had a bad experience on a bus. She and another young woman had to ask the driver to kick the man off.

Honestly it’s shit if anything it’s got worse than when I was a teen. Pretty sure unlimited porn relating to teen girls doesn’t help if you actually are a teen girl and are forever to live with the grim consequences. Fortunate hand guns are illegal or I may have taken a few out..

It’s gross. I bought my DD gym membership for her 16th and we go together a couple of times a week. The number of men trying to talk to her, or trying to race her in the pool (🙄), or get her attention, is ridiculous. She’s a very petite, young looking, 16yo , she’s not wearing makeup or provocative clothes, her swimsuit is an Adidas sports swimsuit so not sexy or attention seeking, and these are mostly older men in their 40s and 50s. The sense of entitlement and the belief that they’re attractive to a 16yo is completely deluded and creepy as hell.

Honestly? 🙄
try opening your eyes.

Excellent advice. My DDs do the same. It works.

Also - why HAVEN’T you “lost your shit” over this yet? The cinema moment was definitely an opportunity to teach him a lesson and humiliate him in public, as well as to show her how angry it makes you feel.