Older men hitting on teen DD

[GrossedOutByOlderMen]

NC for this one.

I have a 16 year old daughter who has suddenly become very beautiful. She is the youngest of 4 girls so I am used to blossoming teens suddenly gaining male attention, but this is totally different. And I am not stealth boasting, this is making me feel ill...

She gets stopped in the street, constantly catcalled and "bothered" when she's out and about which she gracefully ignores, but she has started a job as a waitress and is being propositioned on a daily basis while she's trying to work.

But the horrible thing is it's almost always by men in their late 30s, some even older. I've seen them in action - they literally follow her out of the restaurant to get her number as I wait in the car to pick her up, and they are quite pushy.

She always drops the fact that she's 16 into conversation (although tbh she doesn't look much older - eg cant buy alcohol) but that doesn't deter them at all. Yesterday we went out to the cinema and some 40 year old bloke was trying to pick her up IN FRONT OF ME despite knowing her age and that I am her mum?! I am absolutely disgusted by it - I know she is "legal" but it just feels really grim.

She is a quiet girl and is embarrassed by the attention - she would be mortified if I ripped into someone, though I was VERY tempted last night - she said she was 16 and had a boyfriend but the guy wouldn't drop it. She wanted to leave early so we came home 🙁.

Her boyfriend is also 16, and boys her own age might flirt / try to get her Snap but they don't act this way towards her. When my older girls were that age I was a big believer in letting them sort their own issues out but she just feels really vulnerable.

It's affecting her confidence and tbh I'm increasingly furious (she doesn't feel safe getting the bus any more after 1 incident, has started wearing ridiculous baggy clothing.....) I feel helpless because if she was 6 months younger she would be a child and the "rules" would be different. But she IS still a child!

How should she / I handle it? (Before I lose my shit at one of them and end up in the papers!)

Definitely living under a rock. My dd , mid twenties, is just getting to the end of that phase where it was quite that bad. Before, she couldn't even walk to work, and was sometimes hassled there too. And as for the gym ..

She's legal for other 16 yr old boys if she chooses to consent. She's still a minor for grown arse men.

There is something really, really off about your posts. They're giving me the creeps.

I will not be describing any young girl for you and I hope nobody else does either.

I have to say that one of my managers was brilliant in my first job. One of the security guards made some gestures and comments and before I knew it, the police were called, I had to make a statement and the guy lost his job. I felt SO mortified and guilty at the time but I was still young and had been conditioned wrongly.

I agree

Thirded.

I do agree that reading around helps a lot. Has she read The Power by Naomi Alderman? That's fiction but brilliant.

You could start a thread asking for recommendations.

And please keep telling her - it's not her fault, it's their fault. They're choosing to behave that way. Any repercussions are on them, not her.

Yes, absolutely, message number one is that it is not her fault. And message number two, which is actually message number one, is this: she has the exactly equal right to occupy the public sphere as they do. No one has any RIGHT to limit or infringe on her enjoyment of her public freedom, as long as she is not interfering with theirs. Harassment, catcalling, pursuit, intimidation - all of these limit her human right to move about in public. In an ideal - and just - world, 16-year-old girls would move about as fearlessly, as unmolested, and with as much impunity, as 40-year-old men, including the fuckwits. Although I would hope the fuckwits would become fearful and molested and lose their impunity every time they manifested their fuckwittedness.

I’m getting utopian here, but being struck with - not permanent, I’m not inhuman - 30 days of impotence for every grotesque approach to a minor (or any woman) might be an appropriate and instructive response

That book depressed me. Wouldn't have recommended it to my daughter. The balance of power will be abused. Women aren't better just weaker atm. That book could have had a much better point.

Yes more chemical (temporary) castration, men should be living with fear if we have to. But oh no no no no, we can't have men afraid of women
That wouldn't work at all.
Current status quo is fine

And yes, Alenka89, you are reported for trying to make this a racial issue. Men from every culture and background do it. Every one. No exceptions.

So, Alenka89, to put it politely, fuck off, you’re not helpful.

@AllAloneInThisHouse

But if any girl/woman get that much of attentions, I’m assuming she much look like (young) Priyanka Chopra or something.

Nice little extra sprinkle of misogyny in brackets there. Because Priyanka Chopra isn't attractive at all now she's 40 is she? 🙄

And quite creepy

Grim grim grim. Thankfully a certain subset of men.. but one that stands out. I got my first male attention at 12 and was disgusted, my world felt a lot less innocent. Why teenage girls? Is it because they are more vulnerable and less mouthy?

And yet if the sexes were turned you wouldn't see a group of adult women at a barbecue drooling over a 13 year boy

Yep @humancalculator

It was a real eye opener for me when I read a blog post (would never be able to find it now) that pointed out that all these disgusting activities of men - staring, grabbing, comments, whistling, and worse - are primarily aimed at trying to say that space isn't OUR space. That we, women and girls, should be at home. That they, men, are the boss out there. That we should be scared of them and never forget that they could and will hurt us if they feel so inclined.

It's not about sex or who's pretty or who's single or the right age, it's about victimising women and girls (and sometimes gay/effeminate men although this thread isn't about them) and making sure we know good and early that They're In Charge.

No, I remember having an intern at my old work who turned out to be 16 (he did look a lot older, more like 19 or 20) - one of the women (also really young, maybe 22) had previously said he was quite good looking and everyone absolutely ripped the piss out of her as a cradle snatching weirdo!

Those accountants want their hard drives looking through by specialists.

There are times when you can't listen to your child and this is one of them

You're the parent. Don't keep quiet. Shutting it down quickly will save her embarrassment not make it worse

This was me too. From about 14, it was hell from white van men, builders etc etc. I also learnt to wear buggy clothes, jumpers tied around my waist etc. Thankfully at 57 I get zero looks now.

Yes I agree. Catch and Kill by Ronan Farrow details the worst excesses of this, especially Matt Lauer, the former anchor of The Today Show in the US who was finally sacked a few years ago after a decade of this.

One female presenter endured him and a male colleague, on a daily basis, detailing on open mics during ad breaks, all the explicit sexual things they wanted to do to her, so the whole studio could hear. She used to go home in tears every day but had to put up with it to keep her job. Awful.

I had this too as a child much younger than the op’s dd. Disgusting, vile men. My dd worked in a pub and every single day had to deal with old men thinking they stood a chance with her. She wore baggy casual clothes, hair tied back, no make up, not that any of that should matter. Had men shout to her in the street offering to have sex with her when she was still at school. It’s fucking revolting. Plenty of these men knew her dad and were the same age as her dad, most were fathers themselves.
I remember as a young woman being constantly interrupted on nights out, pestered by older men who I did not find attractive. What the actual fuck. I’m not attracted to someone the same age as my dad.
Nowadays I’m blunt. I don’t speak to people I don’t want to. I’m not here to brighten up Anyone’s day. I wish I had had this attitude when I was younger. Sick to death of girls and women being told ti be nice. No. I tell dd fuck that, put yourself first. If it’s safe don’t ever be afraid of either blanking someone or telling them no, go away. Done ever make room for them.
I think you have to have this attitude.

This has reminded me of being on holiday as a child 15 I think. There was some sort of game going on whereby the male volunteers all had to go and chose a female partner to help them dress up and collect items from the crowd. I was talking to my family when this man rushed up and grabbed me pulling me to my feet and choosing me as his female aid. I had no idea what was going on as seriously who the fuck chooses a 15 year old?
He was with his wife and kids and I remember standing on the stage/ dance floor thinking what the hell? I had to go and collect things such as a lipstick and then (vague memory here) use it on him. I do remember his wife was all for it handing me items etc. looking back now, if my dh did this he would not be my dh for long. That’s if he lived long enough to ever get over it. My parents didn’t object either. It was just ‘a laugh’. I wasn’t even looking at this man when he came hurrying over to grab me, I was totally blindsided by it. Just shows how creepy and widespread this whole thing is.