Older men hitting on teen DD

[GrossedOutByOlderMen]

NC for this one.

I have a 16 year old daughter who has suddenly become very beautiful. She is the youngest of 4 girls so I am used to blossoming teens suddenly gaining male attention, but this is totally different. And I am not stealth boasting, this is making me feel ill...

She gets stopped in the street, constantly catcalled and "bothered" when she's out and about which she gracefully ignores, but she has started a job as a waitress and is being propositioned on a daily basis while she's trying to work.

But the horrible thing is it's almost always by men in their late 30s, some even older. I've seen them in action - they literally follow her out of the restaurant to get her number as I wait in the car to pick her up, and they are quite pushy.

She always drops the fact that she's 16 into conversation (although tbh she doesn't look much older - eg cant buy alcohol) but that doesn't deter them at all. Yesterday we went out to the cinema and some 40 year old bloke was trying to pick her up IN FRONT OF ME despite knowing her age and that I am her mum?! I am absolutely disgusted by it - I know she is "legal" but it just feels really grim.

She is a quiet girl and is embarrassed by the attention - she would be mortified if I ripped into someone, though I was VERY tempted last night - she said she was 16 and had a boyfriend but the guy wouldn't drop it. She wanted to leave early so we came home 🙁.

Her boyfriend is also 16, and boys her own age might flirt / try to get her Snap but they don't act this way towards her. When my older girls were that age I was a big believer in letting them sort their own issues out but she just feels really vulnerable.

It's affecting her confidence and tbh I'm increasingly furious (she doesn't feel safe getting the bus any more after 1 incident, has started wearing ridiculous baggy clothing.....) I feel helpless because if she was 6 months younger she would be a child and the "rules" would be different. But she IS still a child!

How should she / I handle it? (Before I lose my shit at one of them and end up in the papers!)

I was attractive not supermodel but got street harassment from about 12- mid twenties too often to document

Yes, I do this. I have been shocked by the number of “family men” looking the other families’ teenage daughters up and down. They think they’re being discrete, perhaps they have sunglasses on, but I note how and where they stand, how they pretend to be casting a casual look around but only so they can take a look at the teenage girls. Body language is key.

I clock these men and am not only instantly wary but make a mental note never to let my DDs be on their own with them - this includes going on sleepovers at their houses.

These men are sometimes husbands of good female friends, and they sicken me. They often have daughters of their own.

All

It's you that is boring.
I wouldn't say my 15 yo DD is a stunning model type but she is tall and slim and over the last year she has recounted at least a dozen incidents of adult men leering at her, trying to chat her up, passing comment about her looks/body.
Why are you struggling to believe pervert men exist?

Yes, this book is excellent. Empowering.

What is it with men? Bet they’ve got sisters, girlfriends, dds too. My dd can stick up for herself but it’s still depressing as hell and makes me angry that we seem to be regressing not moving forwards.

My daughter has had this also since she was 14 and it’s massively knocked her confidence, a few days ago a man crossed the road to talk to her, she ignored him and sped up, he sped up also and started shouting at her asking what her problem was, she has asked me to buy her a rape alarm for Uni! Men and women need to challenge this behaviour!

As a consequence of this as a teen (in the 80s when the men were also disgustingly handsy🤮) I developed the most appalling resting bitch face, and learned very early the value of blunt rudeness when dealing with these arseholes. It doesn’t lessen the anxiety and horrible feeling inside when it happens, but at least gives you the armour to defend yourself and you don’t feel quite as vulnerable. Sadly the wariness of men (& the shit eye) has remained with me my whole life!

They rely on women’s compliance, unwillingness to offend and social conditioning to steamroller their way in, and very young girls are an easy target. I continually hope it’ll change one day but I really can’t see that happening and it makes me feel so angry and protective of young women. I’m so sorry for your poor daughter having to deal with this at her age, but unfortunately the reality is as everyone has said - she needs to learn some protective strategies, and extreme, assertive rudeness is a good one.

Totally blank expression, “leave me alone, I don’t want to talk to you” and keep walking (this will often result in abuse of the “stuck up bitch, you’re ugly anyway” variety, but that’s much more bearable than standing there with a fixed grin and your insides crawling, wondering how to safely get away). In work, engage more with the female customers and be much cooler/less smiley/have less eye contact with the men. They’ll latch onto absolutely fucking anything as encouragement. This isn’t going to stop, sadly, so you need to help her deal with it, bless her x

It doesn’t matter what she looks like, it’s irrelevant
DD had this from around 12, she’s 17 now and rarely gets to college without a man shouting out of a car window or sometimes a man walking past saying something to her. She took up jogging in lockdown (so age 15) but had to stop due to scumbag men shouting things at her. DD is very shy and hates the attention and unfortunately isn’t confident enough to tell them to F off but we are working on it.
DH was really shocked when he saw it , he just kept saying “but they are old enough to be her Dad”, because it wouldn’t occur to him to look at a young girl that way.

My dd had this as a school girl - cars pulling up telling her to get in, men following her, constantly catcalled and approached etc.

She adopted a resting bitch face and never engaged. If she had to because she felt it safer to put off some potential nutter, she would just be very neutral and say she had a boyfriend whilst walking away quickly.

Its such a crying shame girls and women have to navigate this distressing predatory behaviour from men and there is nothing to stop them. In fact quote the opposite these days - the law and society is making it easier for males to access to women in womens spaces in a way they wouldn’t have years ago. There is no respite.

@scoobydoo1971 ...snap. Unusually tall and beautiful 11 year old Dd. It's already starting. Makes me beyond angry. Like the bloke who crossed the road while we were in a car at the lights - did a double take - stopped, smiled directly at her. Eurg. I think she was 10 at the time.

Agree with the PP who said we need to intervene if we see it happening to anyone else too. I don't give a shit if someone tells me I'm jealous.

For anyone who wants to know how to intervene safely, there's a great organisation called Hollaback (now changed their name to something less memorable) their training is good as it shows several ways to intervene, not all directly confrontational.

@CrossStichQueen , don’t engage with it

How do these men have the balls to act and behave this way to other people?

I get that you can be attracted to a young girl and appreciate that for what it is, but to brazenly approach like this is absolutely shocking behaviour.

All pretty grim.

We have a fairly large juniors section down my rowing club and you get some men shouting stuff at the 14/15 year old girls from the riverbank/towpath. I actually pulled over in the launch one time and confronted them, pointing out the age of girls they were making sexual comments about, they thought it was hilarious that I was getting all riled. They kind of shut up when I called the police.

Your daughter is a legend.

I think it also scares her that they go from trying to be charming to slightly aggressive when she says she has a boyfriend or refuses to engage. And you're all correct - she's been conditioned to be polite, nice and to respect her elders (including at school where she spends all day!). She doesn't feel able to "take on" an aggressive man twice her age. I will look at the course and the book mentioned, thank you.

Your daughter is awesome.

YouAre

My post was directed at All that's why it was in bold.

Thanks for the recommendation - I had a quick google and it seems that Hollaback is now called Right to Be, and it’s an American organisation aiming to stop street harassment.

Can anyone please recommend a British organisation that deals specifically with male harassment towards young girls and women? I remember reading about one such group that was originally set up by two young women that now goes and works in schools - I can’t remember its name. Does this ring a bell with any of you reading this?

She shouldn't take them on, remind her they are strangers and she shouldn't interact with them, phone out but no interaction.

I remember this when I was a teen 35 years ago, nothing's changed 🙄

Hate so much how women ruin the wonderful sport of swimming for girls. Now I'm an adult it's just the usual unsolicited advice from blokes with a stroke like a starfish (to which I reply, "I'm trained and used to compete, thanks") but my first assault was an adult male grabbing my bottom in the pool. I was 12 and completely flat, prepubescent. Maybe he actually was a pedo.

bless your daughter :( and well done to you as mum sticking up and supporting her, my mum used to brush stuff off like this when I’d be upset that I’d been followed home by two older men.. I had similar problems with dirty old men, it was way worse when I was 16 and in school uniform than it is now I’m 26! Absolutely vile.. anyway, not gonna lie what helped get me through was getting into feminism, womens rights movement, female punk bands, and building up my own resilience and confidence to call out these men for what they are, pedos! I spoke my mind more and did not let them make me feel small. All the best x

Yes, he was if he was grabbing 12 year olds. Sorry that happened to you.

This used to happen to me from the age of 12-13 until around 19. I'm 28 now and practically invisible, which I like.

There are alot of disgusting men in this world and it scares me that I have a DD who will likely go through the same.

In my case I don't think I was particularly beautiful, men just appear to be attracted to young girls. Gross.

I like PP's daughters retort "I'm 14 you nonce"

I find it terrifying. I got this kind of attention as a teen but my dd is only 14 and very vulnerable as she's ASD and socially mute. She doesn't go out alone. If a man approached her and said get in my car....she'd just comply.

Had a bloke on a train trying to get her attention a while back. I stuck my head out the aisle and give him the middle finger but he still insisted on approaching her as we got off and saying "why don't you smile pretty lady".

She was approached five fucking times when we last went into the city!. While I was with her!.

For the person asking what they must look like to get suck attention....VULNERABLE is the answer