Older men hitting on teen DD

[GrossedOutByOlderMen]

NC for this one.

I have a 16 year old daughter who has suddenly become very beautiful. She is the youngest of 4 girls so I am used to blossoming teens suddenly gaining male attention, but this is totally different. And I am not stealth boasting, this is making me feel ill...

She gets stopped in the street, constantly catcalled and "bothered" when she's out and about which she gracefully ignores, but she has started a job as a waitress and is being propositioned on a daily basis while she's trying to work.

But the horrible thing is it's almost always by men in their late 30s, some even older. I've seen them in action - they literally follow her out of the restaurant to get her number as I wait in the car to pick her up, and they are quite pushy.

She always drops the fact that she's 16 into conversation (although tbh she doesn't look much older - eg cant buy alcohol) but that doesn't deter them at all. Yesterday we went out to the cinema and some 40 year old bloke was trying to pick her up IN FRONT OF ME despite knowing her age and that I am her mum?! I am absolutely disgusted by it - I know she is "legal" but it just feels really grim.

She is a quiet girl and is embarrassed by the attention - she would be mortified if I ripped into someone, though I was VERY tempted last night - she said she was 16 and had a boyfriend but the guy wouldn't drop it. She wanted to leave early so we came home 🙁.

Her boyfriend is also 16, and boys her own age might flirt / try to get her Snap but they don't act this way towards her. When my older girls were that age I was a big believer in letting them sort their own issues out but she just feels really vulnerable.

It's affecting her confidence and tbh I'm increasingly furious (she doesn't feel safe getting the bus any more after 1 incident, has started wearing ridiculous baggy clothing.....) I feel helpless because if she was 6 months younger she would be a child and the "rules" would be different. But she IS still a child!

How should she / I handle it? (Before I lose my shit at one of them and end up in the papers!)

I’ve told dd any man trying to touch her up she should knee them in the bollocks. Pretty sure she would too. I actually think pepper spray should be legalised for women to carry around. Bet it would stop then.

H OP , I could have written this myself. My youngest is a very young 14 ( youngest in the school year). She's 5ft 10 and competes in a sport and as such is very fit and toned as well. She's got the most striking colour eyes and has been stopped in the street by genuine Scott's for modelling etc. she carrie's herself with a confidence that is just beautiful. She also favours leggings and gym wear as she trains daily.

We went on holiday to a family orientated park in Italy earlier this year and the attention she got was just ridiculous. Not the teenage boys aged 14-20 though, noooo. It was their dads. Even the coaches and staff were letching over her and staring at her. Eyes swivelling, head swivelling, reaching for their sunglasses so they could watch her without her realising. Took 1 day before she asked for us to buy her a full swim suit instead of a bikini and by day 3 she was sat around the pool wearing leggings and a bloody hoody.

We went to Turkey in august. Huge mistake. Sure was hounded by staff, "accidentally" bumped into by only men, cat called constantly even with me and her biker dad and had dozens of HILARIOUS offers to buy her which were quickly shut down by us. She is now refusing to ever go on holiday again. It's bad in this country too, arrogant men, often middle ages and over weight that are inappropriate and assume they are in with a chance. I actually don't think she's treated this way by her male school friends, they have often defended her!

By the way, telling your daughters to say how young they are doesn’t always work - I’d bet for many men that is the key.
Being older would make them run scared.
So, maybe re-think that.

Yes, I was about to say this too. Also don’t ever mention having a boyfriend. Saying stuff like this is not discouraging to creeps because they interpret it as “if only I was older/single I’d be all over you like a rash”. She should never disclose or explain anything about herself - giving excuses is equivalent to giving an apology for not engaging with them, and they may think it indicates a willingness to be ‘talked round’. All of this is submissive behaviour , which gives the man the power and confidence to continue the harassment.

I had the same thing when I was young, but I would call them out and embarrass them or joke and have fun, depending on my mood. I was a very confident outspoken teenager.
I used to love saying they reminded me of my Grandad in a very sweet gentle way. That was crushing without being rude. I saw many a man silenced by that kind of comment.

My dd is not like me, and with quieter girls you need a different strategy. My dd will point blank ignore them as if she can't hear. It is quite embarassing by default, she literally shows no emotion - totally grey rock. I have empowered with all sorts of comebacks, and to remind her she does not need to stand by and be objectified like that. For her, there is power in total silence and looking through them. As if they are invisible. They usually shout more loudly for a minute or two before shuffling off and continuing with their work.

It is worth noting we now, or are at least in the process of obtaining some legislation around this. It is harassment.

Your dd needs to realise the men are doing it to be noticed, if she does not even look in their direction, completely grey rocks (she needs to imagine they talking/cat calling someone else - that really helps) much less reply that is a snub, and one that can work extremely well in its own right.

A good dose of radical feminism early on is a shield for a young woman's mental health.

Knowing that some men view women as objects is important. Then a young woman can chose partners who see her as a person not a prize.

There is so much great advice here, thank you. And again, I'm sorry others are still experiencing this. It's so depressing (and nauseating that it seems to stop when they are out of teens). I think she does appear to be "vulnerable" and we need to change that.

I would get her to laugh and say you are old enough to be my dad yuk

I don’t think you should necessarily abide by her wish not to make a fuss. To me that’s similar to a bullied child asking her parents not to speak to the teachers about the situation. Totally understandable but not necessarily in her best interests.

YOU could be the one to say to the worst offenders - “this is harassment of a child, are you a paedophile?” or something similar. “You should be on the sex offenders register.” “Does your mum/wife/daughter (depending on age) know you go around harassing teenagers?” Or just “that’s very rude, leave us alone.”

And @forlornlorna1 is right - they look vulnerable. And also I swear to god sexual harassers are unusually dim because they often go for the tallest/blondest - I think because they’re the most obvious and like a kind of beacon??!! It’s not just about that being a preference because when I go out with a tall blonde friend I get a lot more hassle from men too and I’m the opposite.

What sleaze bags, your poor daughter.

My niece had this a lot. She is stunningly beautiful and quiet and shy. Always had boyfriends around her own age, but some older men will not leave her alone.
Her telling them she is 16 will not help, it will encourage men like this. She should lie and say she is 14 or 15 years old instead and if they keep bothering her, she will report them to the police as paedophiles.

When out with my 15 year niece I’ve noticed the stares from men. I’ve developed a good evil eye stare and have muttered at some of them in passing, loud enough for them to hear. I haven’t brought it up with her though as she doesn’t seem to notice and I don’t want to make her feel awkward.

Although someone mentioned giving out a fake phone number. I don’t recommend this as the man will think he’s been successful and if he sees her again will just ask for the right number.

Observant mothers of attractive teenage girls discover societies dirty secret

It’s not their peer group either is it the same age lads are usually fine

@AllAloneInThisHouse
Gosh,
what does she look like to get this much attention?
I’ve never heard of such thing!

Then you've been living under a rock 😲

I have 3 teen DD's and what they've experienced is vile.

Most stupid post ever. Men have hit on young girls/women inappropriately since the beginning of time. Every single attractive woman I know experienced huge amounts of harassment in their teenage years from men in their 20's, 30's and older. It's grim and unacceptable but happens ALL the time.

Bloody perverts.

I don't have daughters, but I will definitely ask if everything's okay in future, if I see a girl being cornered. I am so sorry, I honestly thought that things must have improved over the years, but obviously not.

Moms who probably hoped times would of changed

I remember this :( I started puberty at 10 and by 13-14 I was regularly being harassed by grown men any time I went out. Rolling out the usual trope of "I thought you were 18" which they clearly didn't.

I don't really have any advice other than to maybe consider her doing some self defense classes like krav maga so that she doesn't feel as vulnerable when she's out alone.

Grow her confidence s much as you can. Talk to her about predatory men and how to deal with them. Help her with some tactics on how to dissuade these men from approaching her. Teach her she doesn't have to be polite (sorry if this is undoing years of education), but she needs to stop feeling she needs to please people. She can say she will report to the police for harassment, or simply tell them to fuck off.

As a 16 yo i was greeted with a 'good morning' by a middle aged creepy man, on my way to a bus stop. When I crossed to road to avoid him, he would cross the road too. This went on for months until one day I told him to fuck off. It worked for a couple of weeks but then started up again. It's just horrible men do this to young girls.

All teenage girls get this to a certain extent, but there is no doubt drop dead beauty garners crazy levels of attention and madness.

A couple of my best friends at that age were supermodel beautiful and the hassle they got was insane.

I recall one of them saying sometimes she wished she could go out with a bag over her head. I think she found it all quite overwhelming and retreated into her academic work and musical instruments until she was 18 and more able to handle it.

I think it’s very naive to think that these older men don’t realise how old she or girls in general are - it’s precisely because they’re obviously teens that they’re hit on.

So she shouldn’t mention her age or bfs, it will simply encourage them.

I feel very sad for your dd and other girls dealing with this. Nothing changes does it? Sweaty, balding, self entitlement at its worst.