Older men hitting on teen DD

[GrossedOutByOlderMen]

NC for this one.

I have a 16 year old daughter who has suddenly become very beautiful. She is the youngest of 4 girls so I am used to blossoming teens suddenly gaining male attention, but this is totally different. And I am not stealth boasting, this is making me feel ill...

She gets stopped in the street, constantly catcalled and "bothered" when she's out and about which she gracefully ignores, but she has started a job as a waitress and is being propositioned on a daily basis while she's trying to work.

But the horrible thing is it's almost always by men in their late 30s, some even older. I've seen them in action - they literally follow her out of the restaurant to get her number as I wait in the car to pick her up, and they are quite pushy.

She always drops the fact that she's 16 into conversation (although tbh she doesn't look much older - eg cant buy alcohol) but that doesn't deter them at all. Yesterday we went out to the cinema and some 40 year old bloke was trying to pick her up IN FRONT OF ME despite knowing her age and that I am her mum?! I am absolutely disgusted by it - I know she is "legal" but it just feels really grim.

She is a quiet girl and is embarrassed by the attention - she would be mortified if I ripped into someone, though I was VERY tempted last night - she said she was 16 and had a boyfriend but the guy wouldn't drop it. She wanted to leave early so we came home 🙁.

Her boyfriend is also 16, and boys her own age might flirt / try to get her Snap but they don't act this way towards her. When my older girls were that age I was a big believer in letting them sort their own issues out but she just feels really vulnerable.

It's affecting her confidence and tbh I'm increasingly furious (she doesn't feel safe getting the bus any more after 1 incident, has started wearing ridiculous baggy clothing.....) I feel helpless because if she was 6 months younger she would be a child and the "rules" would be different. But she IS still a child!

How should she / I handle it? (Before I lose my shit at one of them and end up in the papers!)

I've never done this myself but I do find myself in the company of some of the locals in wetherspoons who make cringe comments about the young girls collecting glasses at the weekends..

I'm 35... And would never looked the girls in that way... They are 50s+

Sadly I don't think this is something that's ever going to change. I'm in my late 30s now and when me and my friends were 14-16yrs old the amount of men we had ogling, and making inappropriate comments to us was insane. We even had several times men follwing us through town etc.. I really worry for my daughter.

It's always been the same. I'm a kick off 50 and remember the creepy middle aged blokes shaking my hand and doing that palm tickle thing. Not that I knew what it meant then.

I had my son at 21, but looked much younger (couldn’t get served in pubs etc). Once, after leaving the hairdressers, with him holding my hand, at around age 5, a group of men in a car kerb crawled next to us singing ’Pretty Woman’ at me. They were hanging out of the windows and it was intimidating. My son always thought I was pretty, so found it funny. I was fucking furious because they were clearly referring to the film.

Years later, he recounted that memory to me, and asked whether I’d minded.

He got it.

That is really sickening to read. Your poor daughter. Do these disgusting men really think she might be interested in them?! I have no idea what the solution is I'm afraid. The problem is therm not her. I have to admit I'd worry about her safety if she's getting all this attention with you standing next to her. I was appalled recently when some grown men started flirting my my daughter who's ELEVEN! My daughter is very tall and could easily pass for 16 but still! It was horrible to see.

Do these disgusting men really think she might be interested in them?!

Most of them? No.
And that makes the entitled arseholes so butthurt that they're not doing it in the hopes that a teen will succumb to their irresistible sleazy allure - they're doing it to make the teen uncomfortable.
They know damn well it's transgressive, & that girls & women hate it.

That's why most of them do it. Revenge. Frustration. Misogyny,. Entitlement.
How much easier to externalise all those horrible uncomfortable feelings, & watch a young woman squirm instead. Makes the inadequates feel powerful.

Not pepper spray, but there's a spray you can get which dyes the attackers face. I bought one off Amazon after being flashed while walking the dog

Absolutely this.

It wasn't until I really thought about it in my late teens that I realised these vile men who beep at us from their cars and shout 'nice arse' etc don't genuinely thing 'it's a compliment'.

They enjoy making us uncomfortable, they get a kick out of it.

It's absolutely sick and it's so scary how many men are doing it.

I used to get it a lot when I got to y10/y11 I had to walk home along a main road (in my school uniform) and had white van men jeering me as they were stuck in traffic crawling along. I just ignored it, but it was gross given they knew I was between 14 and 16 years old. Funny I got it much less when I walked to college in my own clothes a year later, grim men.

I'd just make sure she knows she doesn't have to be polite, what she's saying pointing out her age might deter some, although not all clearly. Maybe say she's 15, might make them rethink? If I was there I'd absolutely rip into them, you have more restraint than me.

Absolutely this.

It’s so depressing. It happened to me from about 15, and I’m already noticing adult men ogling my 13 YEAR OLD daughter. It gives me the absolute rage. They do always look away when I catch their eye, but I’m not always going to be with her 🥺

That definitely doesn’t work, they ask for a threesome.

Yeh telling men you’re a lesbian definitely doesn’t put them off!

@musicaldilemma tell your DD to say ''you're confused. You don't know us'' and walk off.
Much more effective.

I don’t think there’s much you can do. I’m not very pretty and never have been, and indeed when I was seventeen I cut all my hair off severely. That summer I worked as a silver service casual waitress and was inundated by male attention from middle aged men telling me I looked like Sinead O’Connor and trying to get my number. It really shook me.

we went out to the cinema and some 40 year old bloke was trying to pick her up IN FRONT OF ME

When my mum was a teenager, she was in the cinema with my granny and a guy sitting next to her tried to touch her up. She asked my granny to swap places because of it and my granny stood up to her 4ft 11 height in the middle of the film and loudly told him to "keep his hands off my daughter".

Just lose your shit if it happens in front of you and tell your daughter to laugh in their faces and say she already has a dad, thank you.

Fuck off you nonce usually works if done loudly enough.

miniature hairsprays are legal to carry and use. Stings like fuck too so you can run.

I was hit on from the age 12 too and I was conditioned to be nice, well I snapped one day and told the sleazy fukker to fuck off I was a child.

The reason it happens less with younger men is some schools actually spend time teaching boys that this sort of thing is not acceptable. Biology isn’t going to go away and young women will always be attractive but parents and schools of young boys and men need to train them to be decent - men acting like this is a total failure of parenting.

Men do this to young girls because the combination of being pretty and not very confident or assertive makes them feel powerful.

Please don’t get her to tell them she’s 16 (they’re going to think wahay, she’s legal) or that she has a boyfriend (they’re going to think wahay, she’s sexually active). Re shouting that they’re a nonce - not sure, it depends on the situation. It has the potential to spark some aggression.

I like the idea of “You’re confused, I don’t know you”.

I also had this as a teenager in the 1980s. All my female friends and I did. It made me very uncomfortable. I would generally ignore it or if pushed would tell men to fuck off and leave me alone. But I think saying - “no thanks, I already have a dad” is a great answer. Am going to suggest it to my DDs.

They know they don’t have to be polite and are quite tough in that regard - they recognise the intrusion by the man as being a very rude thing that doesn’t require a polite response. But that answer encapsulates the entire message.

"ThelmaDinkley · 05/09/2022 08:46
I’ve told dd any man trying to touch her up she should knee them in the bollocks. Pretty sure she would too. I actually think pepper spray should be legalised for women to carry around. Bet it would stop then."
To this I would add what my Dad taught me from his army training. Having knee'd, scrape your heel down his shins and stamp on his instep, hard. Then run - or if the opportunity presents itself, double punch him in the now bent back, and then run.
I have never had to do this, but even now, my body knows about it.

OTOH, it is possible that some of the men involved simply haven't realised they are not young any more and have forgotten how old ten years older looks when you are a teen.

Nah, mostly creeps. But I know I still feel 28 inside while being well over that. And invisible, except when driving correctly and winding up some speed merchant investigating my exhaust.

Fuck off you nonce usually works if done loudly enough.

I think I have just worked out why this works so well. They are scared of the reaction from other men.